Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the worst places to ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen?”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to ask what you’d do for a Klondike bar.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Botox injections are needles full of lies.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass from the grocery store even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

To a heavy drinker, beer is a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A little danger is a tonic for the soul.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In some countries hairy areolas are a sign of power and wealth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The power of your sexuality is harnessed in your ankles.

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Quote of the week:   “Lack of consistency is a weakness shared by all nations.”