Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the worst places to ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen?”
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to ask what you’d do for a Klondike bar.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Botox injections are needles full of lies.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass from the grocery store even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
To a heavy drinker, beer is a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A little danger is a tonic for the soul.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
In some countries hairy areolas are a sign of power and wealth.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The power of your sexuality is harnessed in your ankles.
Quote of the week: “Lack of consistency is a weakness shared by all nations.”
