Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The same boiling water that softens potatoes hardens eggs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

At this very moment someone is talking about you and other unsightly blemishes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Curves and rolls are not the same thing.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s important to know when and how to hide your pissism.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may not be done but you are finished.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can always see a man’s intentions when he’s not looking.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Never sneak up on anyone in a graveyard at night.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Destroy the root of the problem. Not the tip of the branch.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The past, the present and the future will walk into a bar and it will be tense.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Change your plan but not your goal. Also change your underwear. That’s pretty important, too.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Going to work is the easy part. Waiting 8 hours to go home is the bullshit challenge.

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Quote of the week:   “With great power comes great electricity bills.”