Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The same boiling water that softens potatoes hardens eggs.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
At this very moment someone is talking about you and other unsightly blemishes.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s important to know when and how to hide your pissism.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You may not be done but you are finished.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can always see a man’s intentions when he’s not looking.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Never sneak up on anyone in a graveyard at night.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Destroy the root of the problem. Not the tip of the branch.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
The past, the present and the future will walk into a bar and it will be tense.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Change your plan but not your goal. Also change your underwear. That’s pretty important, too.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Going to work is the easy part. Waiting 8 hours to go home is the bullshit challenge.
Quote of the week: “With great power comes great electricity bills.”
