Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 30-September 5, 2015

Yumi_telekinesis

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never trust a woman that can’t wear flats.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Broken crayons still color the same.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A spam and gubment cheese sandwich will save the day next Tuesday if it doesn’t tomorrow.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

If someone calls you a scuzz-bucket, you should officially be offended if your middle name begins with the letter Q.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Some people treat their body as a temple. You however treat your body as an amusement park.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A container of spaghetti is going to spill inside whatever bag you carry to work.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There are three things that can make up for anything: a deep fried apology, jewelry and some ass.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are qualified for any job involving a cardboard hat.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.


Quote of the week:  “Kettle, meet pot.”

It’s Time to Tell Bad Barbers to Cut it Out

BAD HAIRCUTSIf there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a lousy barber. Every man on the planet, and some bald women, know exactly what I’m talking about. Barbers that have no eye-hand coordination; barbers that talk on the phone while cutting a customer’s hair; barbers that knick necks with sharp ass razors; barbers that push back hairlines; barbers that don’t take showers, knowing they have to stand right next to you; slow cutting barbers; novice barbers; blind barbers; and barbers that haven’t received their green card, so they can’t understand the style of cut you want even though you’ve explained it to them three times in plain English.

BarbershopToday is the day when men and women with bushes take a stand and demand better service out of  groomers. Yesterday is gone where those of us in need of haircuts grow dread locs because good service is hard to find. No longer will we stuff our full head of hair under skull caps and baseball caps and toupees and bandannas. No more will we wear bags over our heads. Beginning today – right now – we demand that you Edward Scissorhands and Wolverine wanna-bes get your stuff together or suffer the consequences of being buried alive in your own pool of afro sheen.

If you are tired of such disservice America, let your voice be heard! Sit in that barber’s chair and stand up for your rights!

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Quote of the Week:  “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 9-15, 2015

Beer-Psychic-Future-Crystal-Ball

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A 400lb wino will offer to wash your hair.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ugliness doesn’t look any better when you primp it than it does when you don’t.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The more body hair you have the harder it is for you to tell people what you really want.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone doesn’t believe you are foolish enough to do something so stupid. But little do they know. You are twice the fool.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Deja vu isn’t what it used to be.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone remembers you being taller and smelling better.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t do anything that requires discipline or realistic thinking. In a nutshell, today is no different than any other day. Sucks to be you if you’re not happy with what you don’t already have.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your creative nature lies at the bottom of a 2 liter grape soda.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

The thing to be most concerned about today is that moldy smell coming your gym bag. If squirrels are dying all around you, blame it on the gym bag or your trifling ability to make it a habit not to do laundry. This is also a bad week for blind dates.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you’re lucky you will have lost weight in your ear lobes by 5PM. If you haven’t . . . well then I guess your ass just isn’t that lucky.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck or hormones places you at a wedding while masturbating.


Quote of the week:  “Coffee is not your cup of tea.”

This Week, on “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been smashing this chick for a lil while now, and the more time I spend with her the more I realize how ratchet she is. How do I get rid of her? Breaking up in the traditional sense isn’t working.

Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball

Dear Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball,

ratchetIt’s not uncommon for us men to be led by the heads in our pants versus the head on our shoulders. That’s in our DNA. However when such a thing happens, sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for only to suffer the consequences after the rainfall has dried up. Then what are we left with? Depending on what neck of the hood we’re from, we get a ratchet broad that wears an unmatched bra and panty set.  So how do we get rid of them? I’m glad you asked. Below are nine ideas that are almost proven to drop that ratch-ball in no time. And by almost proven, I mean not proven at all.

Before we begin, let’s look at the Urban Dictionary’s definition of Ratchet.

Ratchet 

A word that people use to call something “ghetto” or the equivalent of “ghetto”.

The irony lies in that 95% of the time, a “ghetto” person is using the word.

Person 1: She so ratchet gurl.
Person 2: Oh the irony.

ratchetlogo

Ratchet 

A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every mans eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.

Typical signs to beware of include, but are not limited to:

  • Owning a Blackberry
  • Blares anything by Drake, 2Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka, Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Cali Swag District, or any other garbage entertainment rapper
  • Rowdily quotes “lyrics” from aforementioned artists
  • Has a weave reminiscent of a bird’s nest after a tempest hit the tree it was in, and is dyed at least thrice
  • Wears torn leggings/stalkings (mostly of the fishnet variety), unpolished 8″ heels (or higher, depending on how God-awful they look), fitted jean jackets (to accent the blubber ’round their arms and stomach), and 4 layers of caked on make-up to go clubbing
  • Repeatedly use ludicrous terms such as “YOLO”, “swag”, “boost”, “beaking”, “doe”, “really”, “naw”, “actually”, “twerk”, “coaster”, “dagga”, etc., to make a valid statement when they speak
  • Have side bangs, despite having incredibly small-ass foreheads to support them
  • Are commonly overweight
  • And are mind-numbingly stupid; a safe assumption to make would be saying they’re uneducated (as if they could pass the 4th grade)

Ratchet 

Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus is ratchet. She thinks she can “twerk” and thinks she is from “the hood”.

Miley-Cyrus-We-Cant-Stop

PERSONALLY I LOVE MILEY CYRUS. Hey Miley, call me! ~Hottywood


NINE WAYS TO GET RID OF RATCHET

  1. Speak in complete sentences. A true ratchet broad will be too lazy to carry a dictionary to understand any and all of your unEbonic words. Nine times out of ten she’ll think you’re offending her intelligence. Be prepared to be cursed out. Curse words are her version of intelligence.
  2. Blurt out “last call!” When the liquor runs out (and the potato chips), so will she. Be sure to blink your eyes repeatedly and kind of fast. It’ll be reminiscent of the lights flickering at a nightclub when the bartender allows all the drunks one last round.
  3. Always announce, beforehand, that you can’t afford to supersize any value meals. You’ll be deemed cheap; and everyone knows no ratchet broad will date a man (or boy) that can’t afford to up the size of her French fries.
  4. Spend more money on her children’s clothes than you would on hers. She may have you jumped by Pookie and nem, but after you heal from your near death ass whooping, you’ll never hear from her again. …well, until school gets ready to reopen after summer.
  5. Wear a suit and tie the next time you take her out to the movies. No respectable ratchet chick would be caught dead hanging out with a guy that wears a suit and tie. He’s waaaaaay out of her league.
  6. Maintain a close relationship with your mother. A true ratchet woman wouldn’t know how to take you if you have respect for a woman, even if it is your mother. If you’re not calling a woman a bitch, then you’re not a real man.
  7. Late at night when she’s good and sleep, wake her up to the blasting tunes of folk music. This will work best if you’ve taken the time to learn the lyrics to the song so you can sing along. By doing this you will immediately lose all cool points and she’ll no longer want to be bothered with you.
  8. Serve her Lipton iced-tea instead of grape soda. This is enough to end ANY relationship!
  9. Don’t return any “special kisses” after she’s done it for you. This may or may not bother her, so use this as your last resort.

I won’t bother to end this post with a clever conclusion because it speaks for itself. But if you follow these suggestions, you just might save yourself a whole heap of trouble.


Kermit & Piggy: America’s Most Powerful Couple No More

There have been many celebrity breakups that I’ve cared nothing about: Demi Lovato and that dude . . . um . . . what’s his name? Trace Cyrus. Whoever the hell he is. Khloe and Lamar; Kendra and Hank; Selena and the Biebs; Wiz and Amber; Kourtney and Scott; Mariah and Nick; That guy and that gal from that movie. Seriously, I could go on. But nothing has shaken me to the core like the demise of the world’s most powerful couple. NOT Obama and Michelle. NOT Oprah and Gayle. NOT Jay and B. NOT Ben and Jerry. Oh wait. They broke up, too. But rather . . . are you sitting down for this? Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!  OH. MY. GOSH.

1438710188_475921722_kermit-miss-piggy-467

What has the world (and by the world I mean Hollywood or Muppetland, whatever) come to? Just when I had revived all hope for love, this happens.

Many have speculated that the breakup was a result of Piggy’s diva-esque Mariah-Carey syndrome. Many more have speculated that Kermit’s sudden desire for chitterlings caused a moral divide between the pair. My younger cousin’s daughters classmate’s half brother’s boo thang thinks it’s because Piggy was no longer satisfied with Kermit’s skinny ass frog legs.  I personally think this break up is a ploy to rake in more ratings and curiosity for the Muppets’ upcoming ABC television show that no one under 40 will watch.

SayinggoodbyeWhatever the case this is a sad, sad day in Hollywoo . . . Muppetlan . . . the world.  And to show my respect for this now unbound union, I vow that for the next 7 hours, 13 minutes and 2 seconds I will not fill a plate with crispy, succulent bacon. Oh gosh that sounds good! That’s how much I respect Miss Piggy. I ain’t said nothing about no ham. That’s a horse of a different color.

Kermit, stay strong bruh. After 40 years of devotion to the same woma . . . pig, you’ve proven that you are a good catch. Don’t jump out there too soon to try to mend a broken heart. And Miss Piggy, I hope your career is worth more than the love you’ve foolishly given away.

I’m not choosing sides here. I’m equally pissed at the both of you and equally hurt for the both of you. Even though I’m 1,000,000,000% sure I’ll never watch The Muppets reboot, you still have my support for the next 7 hours, 12 minutes and 38 seconds.

Announcement


I wish they would have called me. Hottywood could have helped.

Traffic’s Hate Mail

What would you say to traffic if you had the chance to catch it out on the street alone and vulnerable?  Find out what one irate driver had to say…

Dear Traffic,

It’s time we had a little chat.  I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone sitting down to tell you exactly how much bullsh*t you’re worth.  You are evil and rude and vindictive and I personally don’t like it.

As I sat in my car, singing out of tune at the top of my voice to that song I hate so much, but can’t help singing because I’ve heard it a dozen times (with all the cars on the road being at a complete stand still and all), I had time to think of what I’d say to you if I ever caught your ass alone on the street — off duty.

You’d better be lucky I can’t physically put my hands on you, because if I could the convo would go something like this; I’d start off by grabbing you by the collar and looking you dead in the eye, in fact, I’d look in both your eyes with only one of mine, kind of like a pirate [for the intimidation effect] and say:

“Damn you!  Damn you, Traffic, for the loud horns and the inconsiderate school kids sticking out their tongues and giving me the middle finger as they scurry back and forth in front of my car.  Where’s a safety patrol when you need one?  Damn you for making me miss my doctor’s appointments, staff meetings and one hour sales.  Curses for making me miss happy hour by 15 minutes!  I blame unneeded construction on you.  I blame potholes on you.  I blame broken traffic signals, slow walking old people and suicidal stray cats all on you.  It’s your fault, Traffic.  Do you hear me???”

At this point you’d probably give me a blank stare, kind of like you’re doing now, with an irritating smirk on your face, followed by a weak laugh — almost as if to ask, “What are you going to do about it?”  Oh, but I’ll tell you what I’d do about it.  I’d tie you down with duct tape and toss your ass in the middle of some train tracks with two speeding steam locomotives coming at you from both directions.  I’m not sure if I’d wait for the collision or not, but I am pretty positive that I’d find great pleasure in your panic.  The same panic that I feel as I dash through my office doors, hoping my supervisor doesn’t catch me; the same panic that I feel as I try to sneak into the church sanctuary without being called out by the minister; the very same panic I feel when I’m late picking up the kids from day-care, and the day-care teacher has a hot date…the first one in like, forever!  

You see, Traffic, if we could only compromise a little bit, then I wouldn’t have to track you down like a hunter during duck-hunting season.  All you need to do is fix it so that all the green lights remain green until I’ve passed.  Oh, and maybe keep a giant umbrella over my car when it rains.  Because you know as well as I do that people in the city can’t drive in the rain…or the snow…or at night…or…well you get my point.

So if you don’t want your ass beat, then I suggest you rethink your routine and give it a rest, already.  Stick your nose in the business of morning and evening mayhem only when I’m nowhere to be found on the streets.


Quote of the week:    “I don’t like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.”

ask-hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 2-8, 2015

psychic_abilities

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ll think you’ve been bitten by a swarm of mosquitos.  Rest assured, it’s just bad acne.  Get an extra brown paper bag from the market to cover your face.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

1 and 2 will be your lucky numbers if your name is Sam, otherwise 1 is the number of booty calls you’ll get this week and 2 is the number of times you’ll be pulled over by a mall cop.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You smell of lies and vegetable oil.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your lover will be horny as a toad this week…just not for you.  Start looking for an AA support group.  You’re going to need it for the road ahead.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If your enemy has two faces, strike a deal with both.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone will refer you to a position within a prestigious dog-walking firm.  The sad part is all dogs will pee on your shoes.  Your future boss will be a dog with two legs instead of four.  Make wise decisions.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your phone will be disconnected at the exact moment you climax during a phone bone.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that could make tomorrow better. Good luck.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

By the end of the day, your lucky bacon themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.


Quote of the week:  “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”