Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’ll think you’ve been bitten by a swarm of mosquitos. Rest assured, it’s just bad acne. Get an extra brown paper bag from the market to cover your face.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
1 and 2 will be your lucky numbers if your name is Sam, otherwise 1 is the number of booty calls you’ll get this week and 2 is the number of times you’ll be pulled over by a mall cop.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You smell of lies and vegetable oil.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your lover will be horny as a toad this week…just not for you. Start looking for an AA support group. You’re going to need it for the road ahead.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If your enemy has two faces, strike a deal with both.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone will refer you to a position within a prestigious dog-walking firm. The sad part is all dogs will pee on your shoes. Your future boss will be a dog with two legs instead of four. Make wise decisions.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your phone will be disconnected at the exact moment you climax during a phone bone.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that could make tomorrow better. Good luck.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
By the end of the day, your lucky bacon themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.
Quote of the week: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
