There have been many celebrity breakups that I’ve cared nothing about: Demi Lovato and that dude . . . um . . . what’s his name? Trace Cyrus. Whoever the hell he is. Khloe and Lamar; Kendra and Hank; Selena and the Biebs; Wiz and Amber; Kourtney and Scott; Mariah and Nick; That guy and that gal from that movie. Seriously, I could go on. But nothing has shaken me to the core like the demise of the world’s most powerful couple. NOT Obama and Michelle. NOT Oprah and Gayle. NOT Jay and B. NOT Ben and Jerry. Oh wait. They broke up, too. But rather . . . are you sitting down for this? Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy! OH. MY. GOSH.
What has the world (and by the world I mean Hollywood or Muppetland, whatever) come to? Just when I had revived all hope for love, this happens.
Many have speculated that the breakup was a result of Piggy’s diva-esque Mariah-Carey syndrome. Many more have speculated that Kermit’s sudden desire for chitterlings caused a moral divide between the pair. My younger cousin’s daughters classmate’s half brother’s boo thang thinks it’s because Piggy was no longer satisfied with Kermit’s skinny ass frog legs. I personally think this break up is a ploy to rake in more ratings and curiosity for the Muppets’ upcoming ABC television show that no one under 40 will watch.
Whatever the case this is a sad, sad day in Hollywoo . . . Muppetlan . . . the world. And to show my respect for this now unbound union, I vow that for the next 7 hours, 13 minutes and 2 seconds I will not fill a plate with crispy, succulent bacon. Oh gosh that sounds good! That’s how much I respect Miss Piggy. I ain’t said nothing about no ham. That’s a horse of a different color.
Kermit, stay strong bruh. After 40 years of devotion to the same woma . . . pig, you’ve proven that you are a good catch. Don’t jump out there too soon to try to mend a broken heart. And Miss Piggy, I hope your career is worth more than the love you’ve foolishly given away.
I’m not choosing sides here. I’m equally pissed at the both of you and equally hurt for the both of you. Even though I’m 1,000,000,000% sure I’ll never watch The Muppets reboot, you still have my support for the next 7 hours, 12 minutes and 38 seconds.
I wish they would have called me. Hottywood could have helped.