This Week, on “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been smashing this chick for a lil while now, and the more time I spend with her the more I realize how ratchet she is. How do I get rid of her? Breaking up in the traditional sense isn’t working.

Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball

Dear Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball,

ratchetIt’s not uncommon for us men to be led by the heads in our pants versus the head on our shoulders. That’s in our DNA. However when such a thing happens, sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for only to suffer the consequences after the rainfall has dried up. Then what are we left with? Depending on what neck of the hood we’re from, we get a ratchet broad that wears an unmatched bra and panty set.  So how do we get rid of them? I’m glad you asked. Below are nine ideas that are almost proven to drop that ratch-ball in no time. And by almost proven, I mean not proven at all.

Before we begin, let’s look at the Urban Dictionary’s definition of Ratchet.

Ratchet 

A word that people use to call something “ghetto” or the equivalent of “ghetto”.

The irony lies in that 95% of the time, a “ghetto” person is using the word.

Person 1: She so ratchet gurl.
Person 2: Oh the irony.

ratchetlogo

Ratchet 

A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every mans eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.

Typical signs to beware of include, but are not limited to:

  • Owning a Blackberry
  • Blares anything by Drake, 2Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka, Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Cali Swag District, or any other garbage entertainment rapper
  • Rowdily quotes “lyrics” from aforementioned artists
  • Has a weave reminiscent of a bird’s nest after a tempest hit the tree it was in, and is dyed at least thrice
  • Wears torn leggings/stalkings (mostly of the fishnet variety), unpolished 8″ heels (or higher, depending on how God-awful they look), fitted jean jackets (to accent the blubber ’round their arms and stomach), and 4 layers of caked on make-up to go clubbing
  • Repeatedly use ludicrous terms such as “YOLO”, “swag”, “boost”, “beaking”, “doe”, “really”, “naw”, “actually”, “twerk”, “coaster”, “dagga”, etc., to make a valid statement when they speak
  • Have side bangs, despite having incredibly small-ass foreheads to support them
  • Are commonly overweight
  • And are mind-numbingly stupid; a safe assumption to make would be saying they’re uneducated (as if they could pass the 4th grade)

Ratchet 

Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus is ratchet. She thinks she can “twerk” and thinks she is from “the hood”.

Miley-Cyrus-We-Cant-Stop

PERSONALLY I LOVE MILEY CYRUS. Hey Miley, call me! ~Hottywood


NINE WAYS TO GET RID OF RATCHET

  1. Speak in complete sentences. A true ratchet broad will be too lazy to carry a dictionary to understand any and all of your unEbonic words. Nine times out of ten she’ll think you’re offending her intelligence. Be prepared to be cursed out. Curse words are her version of intelligence.
  2. Blurt out “last call!” When the liquor runs out (and the potato chips), so will she. Be sure to blink your eyes repeatedly and kind of fast. It’ll be reminiscent of the lights flickering at a nightclub when the bartender allows all the drunks one last round.
  3. Always announce, beforehand, that you can’t afford to supersize any value meals. You’ll be deemed cheap; and everyone knows no ratchet broad will date a man (or boy) that can’t afford to up the size of her French fries.
  4. Spend more money on her children’s clothes than you would on hers. She may have you jumped by Pookie and nem, but after you heal from your near death ass whooping, you’ll never hear from her again. …well, until school gets ready to reopen after summer.
  5. Wear a suit and tie the next time you take her out to the movies. No respectable ratchet chick would be caught dead hanging out with a guy that wears a suit and tie. He’s waaaaaay out of her league.
  6. Maintain a close relationship with your mother. A true ratchet woman wouldn’t know how to take you if you have respect for a woman, even if it is your mother. If you’re not calling a woman a bitch, then you’re not a real man.
  7. Late at night when she’s good and sleep, wake her up to the blasting tunes of folk music. This will work best if you’ve taken the time to learn the lyrics to the song so you can sing along. By doing this you will immediately lose all cool points and she’ll no longer want to be bothered with you.
  8. Serve her Lipton iced-tea instead of grape soda. This is enough to end ANY relationship!
  9. Don’t return any “special kisses” after she’s done it for you. This may or may not bother her, so use this as your last resort.

I won’t bother to end this post with a clever conclusion because it speaks for itself. But if you follow these suggestions, you just might save yourself a whole heap of trouble.


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