Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A 400lb wino will offer to wash your hair.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your ugliness doesn’t look any better when you primp it than it does when you don’t.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The more body hair you have the harder it is for you to tell people what you really want.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone doesn’t believe you are foolish enough to do something so stupid. But little do they know. You are twice the fool.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Deja vu isn’t what it used to be.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Someone remembers you being taller and smelling better.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Don’t do anything that requires discipline or realistic thinking. In a nutshell, today is no different than any other day. Sucks to be you if you’re not happy with what you don’t already have.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your creative nature lies at the bottom of a 2 liter grape soda.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
The thing to be most concerned about today is that moldy smell coming your gym bag. If squirrels are dying all around you, blame it on the gym bag or your trifling ability to make it a habit not to do laundry. This is also a bad week for blind dates.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you’re lucky you will have lost weight in your ear lobes by 5PM. If you haven’t . . . well then I guess your ass just isn’t that lucky.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Luck or hormones places you at a wedding while masturbating.
Quote of the week: “Coffee is not your cup of tea.”
