Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A 400lb wino will offer to wash your hair.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ugliness doesn’t look any better when you primp it than it does when you don’t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The more body hair you have the harder it is for you to tell people what you really want.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone doesn’t believe you are foolish enough to do something so stupid. But little do they know. You are twice the fool.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Deja vu isn’t what it used to be.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone remembers you being taller and smelling better.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t do anything that requires discipline or realistic thinking. In a nutshell, today is no different than any other day. Sucks to be you if you’re not happy with what you don’t already have.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your creative nature lies at the bottom of a 2 liter grape soda.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The thing to be most concerned about today is that moldy smell coming your gym bag. If squirrels are dying all around you, blame it on the gym bag or your trifling ability to make it a habit not to do laundry. This is also a bad week for blind dates.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you’re lucky you will have lost weight in your ear lobes by 5PM. If you haven’t . . . well then I guess your ass just isn’t that lucky.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck or hormones places you at a wedding while masturbating.

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Quote of the week:  “Coffee is not your cup of tea.”