Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never trust a woman that can’t wear flats.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Broken crayons still color the same.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A spam and gubment cheese sandwich will save the day next Tuesday if it doesn’t tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If someone calls you a scuzz-bucket, you should officially be offended if your middle name begins with the letter Q.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Some people treat their body as a temple. You however treat your body as an amusement park.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A container of spaghetti is going to spill inside whatever bag you carry to work.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There are three things that can make up for anything: a deep fried apology, jewelry and some ass.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are qualified for any job involving a cardboard hat.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.

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Quote of the week:  “Kettle, meet pot.”