Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Never trust a woman that can’t wear flats.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Broken crayons still color the same.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A spam and gubment cheese sandwich will save the day next Tuesday if it doesn’t tomorrow.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
If someone calls you a scuzz-bucket, you should officially be offended if your middle name begins with the letter Q.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Some people treat their body as a temple. You however treat your body as an amusement park.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A container of spaghetti is going to spill inside whatever bag you carry to work.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
There are three things that can make up for anything: a deep fried apology, jewelry and some ass.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are qualified for any job involving a cardboard hat.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.
Quote of the week: “Kettle, meet pot.”
