THROWBACK: Through the Eyes of a Laundromat Attendant

No man is an island; no matter how great or how small.  I repeat, “NO MAN IS AN ISLAND.”  …Especially and including the laundromat attendant.

The laundromat attendant is the one man on the planet that no one notices until they need him.  And though he speaks with a voice of an army, he is yet never heard.  From day to night he doesn’t just clean the grimy residue from communal washing machines.  He gains the knowledge of man.

With nothing to do but scrub scorching dryer handles and mop lint from the corners of the floor, the laundromat attendant spends all of his extra spare minutes observing the behavior of the average man and woman, delving into the core of the inner person they are trying to hide and protect from the outside world.  To anyone who doesn’t get paid to be ignored inside a laundromat, laundry facilities aren’t just for washing clothes.  They are also intended to wash away secrets.

From the average working mother to the most cunning con artist on the block, the laundromat attendant has seen and heard it all;

Parents who bring their kids with them to wash clothes but lets them run wild like ferrets. 

To the common eye those kids are just wildly out of control and the mother doesn’t have a grip.  But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, he sees a woman who doesn’t give a damn about how noisy and wild her kids are because subconsciously she wants the whole damn world to know what she goes through every day.  I guess it’s true what they say, “Misery loves company.”


Panhandlers and Hustlers  

I don’t care who you are or where you wash clothes, there’s always someone who’s trying to sell something.  The laundromat is no different from the barber shop or the beauty salon.  Anywhere a person is sitting around waiting to spend money, there rests someone begging to take it.

But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, these panhandlers and hustlers aren’t just begging scavengers trying to make a quick buck.  They are underdeveloped individuals who haven’t matured to a basic level of “common sense.”  What the attendant observes is a man [or sometimes a woman] who is not capable enough to realize that they are doing nothing but wishful thinking if they believe people who scraped up their last hard saved quarters all week long are going to be distracted, side tracked, or even stupid enough to actually buy what they’re selling.  They do not understand the meaning of rejection and denial and therefore should be declared unstable specimen who simply can’t help themselves.

You and I don’t want to hear that sh*t but we’re not looking through our eyes, are we?

The lady who calls everyone she knows to tell them that she’s at the laundromat.

Most laundromat visitors go to the facility with one goal in mind: to wash their clothes.  Because the place is public, everyone knows that there’s no guess as to who or what you may see while there.  From intrusive conversations with strangers, to bad attitudes of husbands, wives, and often more, bitter single people who get life from staring at other people’s pre-washed unmentionables.

The attendant sees it all.  And the one who stands out the most is the lady who puts out a public service announcement to everyone that she knows to let them know that she’s in the laundromat.  To the common eye she’s just loud and annoying.  But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, she is merely conveying an illusion of importance when deep down she’s a lonely woman who can’t accept the fact that no one gives a sh*t about where she is or what she’s doing.  This act screams, “Dependency issues!”

No one realizes that great power comes from observation.  And there are only two types of people that have such power: Parking attendants and Laundromat attendants.  Through the joy of people-watching, though in trade of suffering the consequences of alienation, underestimation, and custodial abuse, the one person that you don’t think about is the very person who knows most about the demons you try to wash away.


Quote of the week:   “Reason, observation, and experience; the holy trinity of science.”

The Rules of Bacon

Guys and Gals, this week will be a crazy week for me as work has once again interfered with my ‘actual’ life – the [perfect] life of my inhuman consumption of potato chips and grape soda while blatantly and selfishly slacking off and vegging out in front of the boob tube.

Since it’s imperative that I go rub elbows with Uncle Sam (to stand over his shoulder as he puts his John Hancock on my paycheck), I’m going to leave with you food for thought for my second favorite thing on this planet (my first favorite thing should only be discussed late at night with someone special after a few drinks in private; PS, my first favorite thing is none of your business if you haven’t figured it out by now, so stop trying to be nosy).

Meanwhile, enjoy! And if I haven’t said this to you in the last 24-48 hours, EAT MORE BACON.

Go now. And prosper.

Rules of Bacon

I’ll be out of the building for the rest of the week so I’ll catch you on the rebound. Meanwhile if you need to reach me or have any questions, click on the box below.


Passing the Torch: Keeping the White House Black


As if we didn’t smell this coming.

Yezzy and Kim

Guys and gals, I’ve been saying this for years, Yeezy and Kim Kardashian-West are going to rule the world.


west-vs-obamaPresident Barack Obama is under fire for his recent election campaign collaboration album with hip hop artist Kanye West.

The album entitled “If I Ruled the World,” according to an anonymous Obama administration source, is said to be the Commander-in-Chief’s attempt to fall next in line to conjugate with reality star Kim Kardashian, who is rumored to be featured on the LP’s second track, conveniently titled “What an Armenian She-Devil Won’t Do for a Buck.”

The unlikely alliance between the self-proclaimed king of pop and the political giant stuns music lovers and politicians alike and tailgates the president’s second grade-school name calling antics, reaffirming the ever humble West as a “jackass.”

In September 2009 Obama memorably christened West a jackass after the hip hop mogul hammer jacked Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, leaving the country chanteuse to stain her overpriced studded gown with tears of embarrassment.



Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 13-19, 2015


Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


December 22 – January 19

You will almost find a psychic partner but they will leave you before you meet.


January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.


February 19 – March 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher that can be bribed with lunch.


March 21 – April 19

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.


April 20 – May 20

There is a strong chance you may be caught in a love triangle between two guys named Ben & Jerry.


May 21 – June 20

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.


June 21 – July 22

Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrow’s tax fraud investigation.


July 23 – August 22

Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.


August 23 – September 22

This week, talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.


September 23 – October 22

If it is for you it will be blessed. If not, know the signs and purchase a giant sling shot. It may come in handy.


October 23 – November 21

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.


November 22 – December 21

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.

Quote of the week:  “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”