THROWBACK: Through the Eyes of a Laundromat Attendant

No man is an island; no matter how great or how small.  I repeat, “NO MAN IS AN ISLAND.”  …Especially and including the laundromat attendant.

The laundromat attendant is the one man on the planet that no one notices until they need him.  And though he speaks with a voice of an army, he is yet never heard.  From day to night he doesn’t just clean the grimy residue from communal washing machines.  He gains the knowledge of man.

With nothing to do but scrub scorching dryer handles and mop lint from the corners of the floor, the laundromat attendant spends all of his extra spare minutes observing the behavior of the average man and woman, delving into the core of the inner person they are trying to hide and protect from the outside world.  To anyone who doesn’t get paid to be ignored inside a laundromat, laundry facilities aren’t just for washing clothes.  They are also intended to wash away secrets.

From the average working mother to the most cunning con artist on the block, the laundromat attendant has seen and heard it all;

Parents who bring their kids with them to wash clothes but lets them run wild like ferrets. 

To the common eye those kids are just wildly out of control and the mother doesn’t have a grip.  But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, he sees a woman who doesn’t give a damn about how noisy and wild her kids are because subconsciously she wants the whole damn world to know what she goes through every day.  I guess it’s true what they say, “Misery loves company.”

 


Panhandlers and Hustlers  

I don’t care who you are or where you wash clothes, there’s always someone who’s trying to sell something.  The laundromat is no different from the barber shop or the beauty salon.  Anywhere a person is sitting around waiting to spend money, there rests someone begging to take it.

But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, these panhandlers and hustlers aren’t just begging scavengers trying to make a quick buck.  They are underdeveloped individuals who haven’t matured to a basic level of “common sense.”  What the attendant observes is a man [or sometimes a woman] who is not capable enough to realize that they are doing nothing but wishful thinking if they believe people who scraped up their last hard saved quarters all week long are going to be distracted, side tracked, or even stupid enough to actually buy what they’re selling.  They do not understand the meaning of rejection and denial and therefore should be declared unstable specimen who simply can’t help themselves.

You and I don’t want to hear that sh*t but we’re not looking through our eyes, are we?


The lady who calls everyone she knows to tell them that she’s at the laundromat.

Most laundromat visitors go to the facility with one goal in mind: to wash their clothes.  Because the place is public, everyone knows that there’s no guess as to who or what you may see while there.  From intrusive conversations with strangers, to bad attitudes of husbands, wives, and often more, bitter single people who get life from staring at other people’s pre-washed unmentionables.

The attendant sees it all.  And the one who stands out the most is the lady who puts out a public service announcement to everyone that she knows to let them know that she’s in the laundromat.  To the common eye she’s just loud and annoying.  But through the eyes of a laundromat attendant, she is merely conveying an illusion of importance when deep down she’s a lonely woman who can’t accept the fact that no one gives a sh*t about where she is or what she’s doing.  This act screams, “Dependency issues!”

No one realizes that great power comes from observation.  And there are only two types of people that have such power: Parking attendants and Laundromat attendants.  Through the joy of people-watching, though in trade of suffering the consequences of alienation, underestimation, and custodial abuse, the one person that you don’t think about is the very person who knows most about the demons you try to wash away.

Damn.


Quote of the week:   “Reason, observation, and experience; the holy trinity of science.”

The Rules of Bacon

Guys and Gals, this week will be a crazy week for me as work has once again interfered with my ‘actual’ life – the [perfect] life of my inhuman consumption of potato chips and grape soda while blatantly and selfishly slacking off and vegging out in front of the boob tube.

Since it’s imperative that I go rub elbows with Uncle Sam (to stand over his shoulder as he puts his John Hancock on my paycheck), I’m going to leave with you food for thought for my second favorite thing on this planet (my first favorite thing should only be discussed late at night with someone special after a few drinks in private; PS, my first favorite thing is none of your business if you haven’t figured it out by now, so stop trying to be nosy).

Meanwhile, enjoy! And if I haven’t said this to you in the last 24-48 hours, EAT MORE BACON.

Go now. And prosper.

Rules of Bacon


I’ll be out of the building for the rest of the week so I’ll catch you on the rebound. Meanwhile if you need to reach me or have any questions, click on the box below.

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Passing the Torch: Keeping the White House Black

Yeezy


As if we didn’t smell this coming.

Yezzy and Kim

Guys and gals, I’ve been saying this for years, Yeezy and Kim Kardashian-West are going to rule the world.


 

west-vs-obamaPresident Barack Obama is under fire for his recent election campaign collaboration album with hip hop artist Kanye West.

The album entitled “If I Ruled the World,” according to an anonymous Obama administration source, is said to be the Commander-in-Chief’s attempt to fall next in line to conjugate with reality star Kim Kardashian, who is rumored to be featured on the LP’s second track, conveniently titled “What an Armenian She-Devil Won’t Do for a Buck.”

The unlikely alliance between the self-proclaimed king of pop and the political giant stuns music lovers and politicians alike and tailgates the president’s second grade-school name calling antics, reaffirming the ever humble West as a “jackass.”

In September 2009 Obama memorably christened West a jackass after the hip hop mogul hammer jacked Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, leaving the country chanteuse to stain her overpriced studded gown with tears of embarrassment.


 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 13-19, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will almost find a psychic partner but they will leave you before you meet.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher that can be bribed with lunch.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is a strong chance you may be caught in a love triangle between two guys named Ben & Jerry.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrow’s tax fraud investigation.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week, talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If it is for you it will be blessed. If not, know the signs and purchase a giant sling shot. It may come in handy.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.


Quote of the week:  “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

Payback is a Bytch – I Mean Pig!

The Muppets. Kermit the Frog has a new girlfriend, Denise, after splitting from long term love Miss Piggy. Pictured Kermit and Denise who is his new girlfriend Image grab from internet - for Nikki http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/DeniseIt’s no secret that the world isn’t taking so well the demise of the long-standing relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog.  While Piggy has been hush hush about the recent split, Kermit’s cool points have spiked with the onset of his relationship with his new squeeze, Denise, a sexy marketing executive at Network ABC, home of the Muppet’s new show soon to be aired later this month.

Though media circuits across the celebesphere have been ablaze with word of Kermit’s latest conquest, no one can overlook or forget that Miss Piggy is the original diva of ‘bounce back!’

Since their split, Piggy has traded in her pint-sized stilettos for a pair of one-size fits all leg warmers to don at the gym as she shapes her post-breakup body for a string of rumored new beaus.  And let me tell you, Miss Piggy lives to prove that even a pig can be a baaaaad bitch!

PiggyBoar

While Kermit the Frog paves the ground with interviews and press conferences to promote The Muppet’s new show and shed light on the Piggy split, Miss Piggy hasn’t exactly shied away from the spotlight either, though she’s never been one to shy away from the spotlight.

Known to be one of Hollywood’s most celebrated fashionistas, she can’t help but to attract the attention of some of Tinseltown’s hottest men, starting her own social media trend that #frogsaresolastseason. Though she’s been parading around town on the arms of some pretty highly profiled arm candy, an anonymous source has hinted that Miss Piggy may have found someone special enough to replace her former green lover.

Miss_Piggy_and_Matt_Lauer

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No word yet on how serious things may be getting in her love life, but if anything can be judged by this picture, this pig may soon be poked by another pound of bacon!

PIGGYMOVESON

You know what they say, “PIGS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!”


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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 6-12, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If in heaven we don’t meet, hand in hand we’ll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Do the stuff that you used to do that you don’t do like you used to.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Something happened a couple of weeks ago. You think it was a Tuesday, but it was raining so you can’t recall.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

A nickel is bigger but a dime is worth more.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only thing worse than guilt is fear of getting caught.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Life was so much simpler when there was only chocolate and vanilla ice cream.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Try as you may but the secret you keep is known to the one you hide it from the most.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

On Thursdays you use guns to describe philosophical concepts, approximately four minutes after you’ve looked up the correct spelling of “philosophical.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your kneecaps are hairier than anyone you know. This characteristic sets you apart from most.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

You have an ability to hold grudges over things that never happened.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The letters DM will get you in a lot of trouble.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are liable to pick small fights with children and moon people at weddings.


Quote of the week:  “Transparency increases the cost of hiding the truth. More efficient interactivity exposes truths that have to be inexpensive to hide.”

Don’t Be Left Out of the Loop

If you haven’t ordered your copy of Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, Hottywood Helps’ debut novel, what are you waiting for?

Get your copy now!

TUAC Cover

After being holed up in a grungy jail cell for a crime committed by his alter ego, Gardner, a Washington DC newspaper editor, sits down for his first one-on-one interview with the very one who framed him, Hottywood Helps. What Gardner discovers is that Hottywood’s wisdom (per the nonconformist musings of his own witty advice column, ASK HOTTYWOOD!) comes with a past. The advice connoisseur embraces his calling as an unorthodox advice columnist when he finds himself amidst the drama of friends who had betrayed their love interests, in addition to witnessing a sideways cultural upheaval in his very own neighborhood; and in true artist fashion, paints pictures on his computer screen as Gardner experiences the adventures first hand.

Through Gardner’s fingertips, Hottywood’s voice sings in blog posts responding to individuals seeking solutions to their troubled day-to-day lives. Whether he’s filling the seats of church pews or spinning in office swivel chairs, Hottywood does not disappoint in guiding the misguided with over-the-top solutions to small life difficulties and easily comes into this own as a beacon of counsel behind a facade of a pair of dark shades.

Washington DC is a small city with big nerve. Ask anyone.

Better yet, ASK HOTTYWOOD!


“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist is a laugh out loud, feel good novel sprinkled with hilarious advice that will tickle your nostalgia and bring back memories of yesteryear!” ~ Owner, Full of Memories Travel

“Seldom have I read a book, such as Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, that has the common sense to combine textbook intelligence with real live street swag. I found myself lost in the true-life feel of the book, and at times reminded of personal experiences where I wished I had a “Hottywood” to help steer me away from foolish decisions.” ~ Raymond Glover, Department of Agriculture


“I can see this branching off onto the big or small screen.” ~ Assistant Superintendent 


“This is a really funny book.” ~ Sandra Mitchell, DCPS Substitute Teacher


“This book is funny as sh@t!” ~ Ivan Jenkins


Purchase your copy today!

updated

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Weekend Eve: “Kiss My Ass,” Never Sounded So Good

Guys and Gals, the week is almost over and we have officially arrived to the sweet symphony of Thursday, better known as WEEKEND EVE!  Yesterday you reaped the benefits of Hump Day, now is the time to start fixing your lips to tell all your haters, bosses and bill collectors to, “Kiss my ass!”  You’ve dealt with pissy attitudes, impossible demands and the screeching cry of your alarm clock all for this one day to say, “Tomorrow is “Fuq ‘em Friday and the weekend is history in the making!”

Sure, you have one more day to slave over paperwork in an office that doesn’t appreciate you.  You have another day to practice your road rage as you sit in traffic.  You even have one more day to pull some old wrinkled garment out of the dirty clothes hamper because you were too lazy or too trifling to do laundry.  But this day – this grand ole Thursday is the one day out of the week where the butterflies in your stomach are from pure genuine excitement and not from the booze of last evening, after having dealt with the agony of Monday thru Wednesday.

This is your day to close one final project and sweep all the rest under the carpet until next Monday, where all the bullshytters, complainers and back stabbers line up to piss you off all over again.  The best part of this day however, is that you couldn’t give a shyt less because you know in your heart and soul that doing anything responsible on Fridays goes against everything you believe in and stand for.  So although you may have a disturbingly shytty job as an armpit sniffer or a soda pop taste tester who has been plagued with eternal pimples from a heavy ingestion of sugar, you know that Friday, Saturday and Sunday holds nothing but mischief, mayhem and an illegal count of alcohol consumption.  This is what you’ve worked all week for!

To the mean old cafeteria lady who works in the school with adolescent demons that point and snicker at her hair net; to the little old lady who’s forced to play bingo with a bunch of old bitties that can’t watch anything on TV except ‘The Price is Right’; and to the office geek who’s greatest talent is to get beat up in the parking lot every day at the sound of the 5 o’clock whistle; it’s time to pull yourself up by the boot straps and get a little crazy!

Dear Ms. Lunch Lady, remind those bad ass kids that Hansel and Gretel was cooked in the witch’s oven for being naughty little bastards.

Dear Old Grandma, tell your senior citizen stick-in-the-muds to stick their dentures where the sun doesn’t shine!

…and Dear Little Office Geek, your best bet is to hop on the internet and find some bored schmuck to terrorize in a chat room because your ass is getting whooped for a reason, so you’d better not take any chances going out in public.

To all others – young, old, working or not, grab your best pals [or anyone gullible enough to pay your way] and paint the town red!  For in four more days, you will remember what it’s like to live in hell on Earth in a bottomless pit called Monday.

Get off your ass and plan your celebration on this here weekend eve.  C’mon. Make Hottywood proud.


Quote of the week:    “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”



wpid-picsart_1435935380046.jpgFind out what happens when a wacky advice columnist takes a walk along the tracks of his own mind.

Order your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, today!

Available at Amazon.com

For more information CLICK HERE.

Kermit’s New Pig is a Fox!

Denise and KermitListen here, guys and gals. If there’s any one man . . . ahem – frog . . . on this planet that I have mad respect for, it’s Kermit the Frog!  That amphibian is a G!  Not long after his very public breakup with America’s favorite bacon-flavored diva, Miss Piggy, Kermit has gone all googly-eyed for another porker. And this pig is a fox! Sources say things could be heating up fast.

Rumor has it Kermit’s been getting cozy with a hot little ABC marketing executive who is exotically named Denise. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know ABC is the network home of his new hit show The Muppets, with whom he costars with none other than his former lover and attention hog, Miss Piggy – and I hear, kats and kittens, that Piggy is none too happy with Kermit’s recent hook up.

Tension between Kermit and Piggy has already been strong, but now the air is really getting thick with Kermit’s steamy new relationship. One would imagine The Muppets would suffer greatly from Piggy’s subtle jealousy and Kermit’s gigoloism, but the two remain professional during filming, often times noted as storming off in two separate directions once the cameras have stopped rolling – Piggy to her tricked out on-set  trailer and Kermit to an all-expense paid night out on the town with his new piece.

While Miss Piggy may be off somewhere feeding her troubled little heart,

Piggy-donut-GIF

Denise is gearing up for her acting debut, appearing along side the former couple on The Muppets, set to premier September 22 at 8PM on ABC.

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I personally am not ready to see Kermit move on to another, especially so quickly, but I also admittedly can’t knock his hustle. Do you, Kermit. Or should I say do Denise?

funny-Kermit-frog-suit


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Don’t Sleep on the Toe Doze

I suppose now is as good a time as any to sit down and have a random chat of observation specifically about the wheels of the body – aka feet/toes. If we were sitting face to face, right about now would be when you’d witness me hang my head low and shake it in disappointment, though not without mixed emotion.

As a man who is no big fan of feet, I am more than elated that the winter weather is approaching, thereby forcing sandal lovers to hibernate their thong flops and bare feet for a season. On the flip side, I am saddened that a lot of people, both men and women, will use the cold weather as an excuse to ignore the maintenance on their feet, leaving pedicure specialists across the world frightened of the white crusty foot build up they will have to look forward to facing come the dawn of spring and summer.

Some people will ignore foot upkeep out of laziness. Some will do so because they are just plain ol’ cheap. Others, because they feel no one will see their bunions during the colder months of the year. Sadly all are mistaken.

Feet must be kept up for three reasons:

REASON NUMBER ONE

The upkeep of hardwood floors.

The crust that builds on the heel of a foot will scratch the beautiful finish of hardwood floors.

I remember going to a dinner party over a friend’s house one winter’s night. The splinters in her floors were so out of control that I had to leave the party wearing stilts because they ate through the soles of my shoes like termites. This was all thanks to that young lady (whose food I refused to eat for fear that her hands were anywhere near her feet) that refused to pay a $17 visit to her foot care provider. Because she was either cheap or lazy, I had to pay the price. I’m still picking splinters out of my feet.

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REASON NUMBER TWO

Life Expectancy of Bedmates/Bed Linen/ Mattresses.

Unclipped toe nails will break the skin of the person sleeping next to you. They will also slice bed linen and rip through a mattress like Freddie Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street. Razor sharp toenails fall into the category of “worst case scenario” for one night stands, right after bad sex and hermaphrodites.

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REASON NUMBER THREE

Respect for Apartment Renters that Live on a Lower Level.

Between the extra long raggedy toenails and weighted ashy heels of the neighbor that lives in an apartment unit on any level above the ground floor, the weight of the [foot] heel crust build up will damage the ceiling of the lower level tenant, running the risk of a possible ceiling collapse.

My Uncle McWeeterwatten used to walk around his apartment barefooted all day every day. I don’t think he realized that the build up on the bottom of his feet were destroying his floor beams with each step he took. He managed to survive one massive winter without getting his corns scrubbed. But on the first day of spring, just as he tied up his sneakers to run to the neighborhood foot spa, his floor beams finally gave out, sending him plummeting through the ceiling of the apartment below him. He suffered a law suit from his neighbor, the property owners of his complex, incurred an outrageous hospital bill and a spike in his home renter’s insurance. His failure to keep his feet up during the winter resulted in him spending so much money that he couldn’t afford to buy a new pair of shoes (or sandals) for eight months, three weeks, and two days.

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For the sake of sanity, personal safety and good health, it’s always important to keep your toenails clipped, your heels sand blasted and lathered up with lotion, and [in some cases] doused with a little baby power. And by ‘a little’ I mean a whole bottle full. Not only will you get a little more respect from your local pedicure specialist, but your feet will think twice before betraying you by kicking you swiftly where the sun doesn’t shine.

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Quote of the Week:  “Better to slip with foot than tongue.”