Don’t Sleep on the Toe Doze

I suppose now is as good a time as any to sit down and have a random chat of observation specifically about the wheels of the body – aka feet/toes. If we were sitting face to face, right about now would be when you’d witness me hang my head low and shake it in disappointment, though not without mixed emotion.

As a man who is no big fan of feet, I am more than elated that the winter weather is approaching, thereby forcing sandal lovers to hibernate their thong flops and bare feet for a season. On the flip side, I am saddened that a lot of people, both men and women, will use the cold weather as an excuse to ignore the maintenance on their feet, leaving pedicure specialists across the world frightened of the white crusty foot build up they will have to look forward to facing come the dawn of spring and summer.

Some people will ignore foot upkeep out of laziness. Some will do so because they are just plain ol’ cheap. Others, because they feel no one will see their bunions during the colder months of the year. Sadly all are mistaken.

Feet must be kept up for three reasons:

REASON NUMBER ONE

The upkeep of hardwood floors.

The crust that builds on the heel of a foot will scratch the beautiful finish of hardwood floors.

I remember going to a dinner party over a friend’s house one winter’s night. The splinters in her floors were so out of control that I had to leave the party wearing stilts because they ate through the soles of my shoes like termites. This was all thanks to that young lady (whose food I refused to eat for fear that her hands were anywhere near her feet) that refused to pay a $17 visit to her foot care provider. Because she was either cheap or lazy, I had to pay the price. I’m still picking splinters out of my feet.

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REASON NUMBER TWO

Life Expectancy of Bedmates/Bed Linen/ Mattresses.

Unclipped toe nails will break the skin of the person sleeping next to you. They will also slice bed linen and rip through a mattress like Freddie Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street. Razor sharp toenails fall into the category of “worst case scenario” for one night stands, right after bad sex and hermaphrodites.

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REASON NUMBER THREE

Respect for Apartment Renters that Live on a Lower Level.

Between the extra long raggedy toenails and weighted ashy heels of the neighbor that lives in an apartment unit on any level above the ground floor, the weight of the [foot] heel crust build up will damage the ceiling of the lower level tenant, running the risk of a possible ceiling collapse.

My Uncle McWeeterwatten used to walk around his apartment barefooted all day every day. I don’t think he realized that the build up on the bottom of his feet were destroying his floor beams with each step he took. He managed to survive one massive winter without getting his corns scrubbed. But on the first day of spring, just as he tied up his sneakers to run to the neighborhood foot spa, his floor beams finally gave out, sending him plummeting through the ceiling of the apartment below him. He suffered a law suit from his neighbor, the property owners of his complex, incurred an outrageous hospital bill and a spike in his home renter’s insurance. His failure to keep his feet up during the winter resulted in him spending so much money that he couldn’t afford to buy a new pair of shoes (or sandals) for eight months, three weeks, and two days.

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For the sake of sanity, personal safety and good health, it’s always important to keep your toenails clipped, your heels sand blasted and lathered up with lotion, and [in some cases] doused with a little baby power. And by ‘a little’ I mean a whole bottle full. Not only will you get a little more respect from your local pedicure specialist, but your feet will think twice before betraying you by kicking you swiftly where the sun doesn’t shine.

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Quote of the Week:  “Better to slip with foot than tongue.”

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