Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If in heaven we don’t meet, hand in hand we’ll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Do the stuff that you used to do that you don’t do like you used to.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Something happened a couple of weeks ago. You think it was a Tuesday, but it was raining so you can’t recall.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
A nickel is bigger but a dime is worth more.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The only thing worse than guilt is fear of getting caught.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Life was so much simpler when there was only chocolate and vanilla ice cream.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Try as you may but the secret you keep is known to the one you hide it from the most.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
On Thursdays you use guns to describe philosophical concepts, approximately four minutes after you’ve looked up the correct spelling of “philosophical.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your kneecaps are hairier than anyone you know. This characteristic sets you apart from most.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
You have an ability to hold grudges over things that never happened.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The letters DM will get you in a lot of trouble.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You are liable to pick small fights with children and moon people at weddings.
Quote of the week: “Transparency increases the cost of hiding the truth. More efficient interactivity exposes truths that have to be inexpensive to hide.”
