Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 4-10, 2015

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HORRORscopes

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Paper plates are your best china.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you refuse to let a pedestrian cross in the crosswalk, ten days after November 17th, your transmission will disintegrate, forcing you to catch the bus. Your legs will fall off during rush hour and no one will give up their seat for you on the metro.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are a quick thinker and fast on your feet, which makes you a perfect suspect for a liquor store robbery. Mistaken identity is inevitable. You have no idea what the word inevitable means.  You are also a part time moron that never travels without beer and a pocket protector.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be sympathetic to someone else’s problems. You were one of those suckers born every minute.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s bad luck to talk about a skin rash before any forms of foreplay. It’s also kind of gross unless you’re into that kind of thing, which no mortal should be.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

This week you will eat the biggest piece of cake on the planet and there won’t be a drop of juice in the house to wash it down with.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your local 24 hour convenience store will inconveniently close at 8PM tomorrow night.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are logical, practical and weird. Some would define you as boring. They would be right. You relish organization, except in your underwear drawer. Pray no one asks you about your underwear drawer. In fact, forget it even came up.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The mayor of Puppytown is a cat.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Peeing can teach you a thing or two about life. For example, once you put something into motion it is very hard to stop it. See the relation?

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are two things you’re good at; (1) showing up and (2) eating, which in your warped little mind is a good thing because you usually show up uninvited to parties empty handed.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a reckless tendency to rely on booze since you have no talent or enough confidence in people to hope they pretend to find you remotely entertaining, and your favorite colors are paisley and polka dots (yeah, neither is a color).

Quote of the week:  “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” -unknown