Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Paper plates are your best china.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you refuse to let a pedestrian cross in the crosswalk, ten days after November 17th, your transmission will disintegrate, forcing you to catch the bus. Your legs will fall off during rush hour and no one will give up their seat for you on the metro.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are a quick thinker and fast on your feet, which makes you a perfect suspect for a liquor store robbery. Mistaken identity is inevitable. You have no idea what the word inevitable means. You are also a part time moron that never travels without beer and a pocket protector.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will be sympathetic to someone else’s problems. You were one of those suckers born every minute.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It’s bad luck to talk about a skin rash before any forms of foreplay. It’s also kind of gross unless you’re into that kind of thing, which no mortal should be.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
This week you will eat the biggest piece of cake on the planet and there won’t be a drop of juice in the house to wash it down with.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your local 24 hour convenience store will inconveniently close at 8PM tomorrow night.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are logical, practical and weird. Some would define you as boring. They would be right. You relish organization, except in your underwear drawer. Pray no one asks you about your underwear drawer. In fact, forget it even came up.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The mayor of Puppytown is a cat.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Peeing can teach you a thing or two about life. For example, once you put something into motion it is very hard to stop it. See the relation?
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There are two things you’re good at; (1) showing up and (2) eating, which in your warped little mind is a good thing because you usually show up uninvited to parties empty handed.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You have a reckless tendency to rely on booze since you have no talent or enough confidence in people to hope they pretend to find you remotely entertaining, and your favorite colors are paisley and polka dots (yeah, neither is a color).
Quote of the week: “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” -unknown
