Never Allow Your Lips to Look Like a Stale Glazed Donut

Ashy LipsYou know, you wouldn’t believe the number of people who don’t realize or appreciate the necessity in chapstick and lip balm. I guess I have to go out on a limb here and say this message is specifically for men (not to include drag queens or the like). Women and those that impersonate them are pretty privy to lip balms and lip sticks and lip gloss. Good for them. Those are people we don’t need to talk about (or laugh at – some things considered).  But fellas, whether you believe it or not, there is an important need to tend to your lips. Wait. Wait. Hear me out. Nah, this isn’t some homo shyt. This is real talk. And in the end some of you may thank me.

Your lips need as much care as the rest of your face, especially since lips are almost always exposed to the elements. Chapped lips can happen year-round, but we are now in a season where no one should be caught slipping (as one of my Facebook friends so eloquently put it, along with a picture of someone who looks like they bathed [only] their lips in a tub of confection sugar).

You should always your hydrate your lips. Now I won’t be too picky on how you do that. What you do in the privacy of your own home (or behind an old trash dumpster) and how you do it is of no concern to me. But there are two good ways of hydrating your lips. The first way has everything to do with what you do in the privacy of your own home or behind an old trash dumpster; the second way is to apply alcohol-free lip balm. I’m not saying don’t drink alcohol. Only someone who skipped class(es) all through high school would think that. Actually, that’s the first thing I thought when this little rule was revealed to me. But I still graduated at the lower middle of the top of my class, so there! Alcohol is good. And everyone should drink it. Well maybe not everyone. 9 out of 10 people should drink alcohol. That one 1 person who doesn’t drink it probably shouldn’t, because alcohol is…wait. Alcohol isn’t the main focus of this post is it? What were we talking about? Damn. I need to stop drinking so much.  Oh yeah! Keep them lips hydrated. If you’re one of those people that does unmentionable things in the privacy of your own home or behind an old trash dumpster, dry, cracked lips could cause major interference and could very well be considered as its own cock block! Drink water . . . with every glass of alcohol.

Glue Stick

You want to make sure that you always sun-proof your lips. If I were still in middle school, I’m sure this would sound funny to me, especially because I’m also sure I’d have skipped science class. Since your lips have no melanin (the pigment that gives skin their color) they can easily get burned. NOTE: They can also get burned by doing those unmentionable things that we aren’t going to mention. Apply some lip balm that contains SPF (Sun Protection Factor, which is a measure of how well sunscreen will protect skin from UVB rays, the kind of radiation that causes sunburn, damages skin, and contribute to skin cancer).  You’d be surprised at the number of people that look down on burnt lips. One could easily assume that some oral foreplay went terribly wrong and will in turn run away from your ass screaming, and eventually laughing!  One could also easily assume that you are hitting the pipe or are a chronic weed or cigarette smoker. Though that may be attractive to some, it’s the total opposite for others. Although I personally don’t see how cracked lips can be attractive to anyone, but who am I to judge?

A good lip balm could heal your lips quickly for those instances where oral foreplay goes terribly wrong. It can prevent infection, dryness and irritation. It won’t get rid of any unsightly sores around the mouth though. With that said, always be careful of whom or what you put your lips on!  I’m gonna leave it at that. Kermit the Frog said it best when he said, “but that’s none of my business.”

kermit none of my business

Chapped and ashy lips can also make you look like you’re on crack, which is almost always a deal breaker in the world of dating and booty calling.

I could offer one final piece of advice by telling you to lay off salty snacks and spicy foods, like hot wings, for a while because they can dry your lips out. However, advising that would go against everything “chicken” that I stand for. Giving up anything chicken-related is simply un-American. And if nothing else, I am American. So eat on my friends. Kill chickens and eat them as much as your heart desires. Just remember that your lips can be affected by your heart’s desires.

P.S., you’re welcome.


Quote of the week: “Things could be worse. Someone out there has more intimacy with their lip balm than they do with their significant other.”

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