Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Every time you don’t say “thank you” for any act of random kindness that someone shows you, your tongue will burn as if you’ve ingested a thousand baby stick pins and your nails will crumble like old Masking tape.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Someone is likely to beat you up in a parking lot. There is no question about that.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The best way to get your point across today is to speak like a parrot.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every one of your belches will make a cross-eyed gold fish die. This is your way of giving back to your community.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware. You may be attacked by a lonely old office-hag whose renter’s insurance just lapsed.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a man tells you his real middle name, you are officially betrothed.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are sure to win a Nobel Prize if you can successfully photograph a midget leprechaun doing the Electric Slide on stilts in the middle of an Arizona desert at night while blindfolded and wearing a pinky ring.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to say.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and see how that works out for you.

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Quote of the week:  “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”