Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Every time you don’t say “thank you” for any act of random kindness that someone shows you, your tongue will burn as if you’ve ingested a thousand baby stick pins and your nails will crumble like old Masking tape.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Someone is likely to beat you up in a parking lot. There is no question about that.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The best way to get your point across today is to speak like a parrot.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Every one of your belches will make a cross-eyed gold fish die. This is your way of giving back to your community.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Beware. You may be attacked by a lonely old office-hag whose renter’s insurance just lapsed.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If a man tells you his real middle name, you are officially betrothed.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are sure to win a Nobel Prize if you can successfully photograph a midget leprechaun doing the Electric Slide on stilts in the middle of an Arizona desert at night while blindfolded and wearing a pinky ring.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to say.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and see how that works out for you.
Quote of the week: “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
