Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 15-21, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You stand for three things: truth, justice and candy corn.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your cantaloupe will end up on the right side of your fruit salad.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Go to your local grocery store and randomly shadow box in the produce section. See what happens.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Be sure not to do anything to attract the attention of baby lizards.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today may be the day, whether you like it or not, to speak on a concerning recurring and resentful issue of someone’s inability to match their socks with their belt.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may have to give your seat up on the bus for a blind man and his seeing eye llama.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have a reason to be about as jumpy as a mermaid at a fish fry.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

This week you will speak as if you are storing a mouthful of acorns.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can totally think of five nemeses more archier than your #1 arch nemesis, and one of them will be wrapped in a yellow boa.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will be to be more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has established a successful career as a parrot breeder.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Everything can be controlled except farts, and the amount of time it takes for a Domino’s pizza delivery…oh and Lindsay Lohan and the shrill of Aaron Neville’s voice.


Quote of the week:  “Only trust people who like big butts. They they cannot lie.”

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