Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
December 22 – January 19
You stand for three things: truth, justice and candy corn.
January 20 – February 18
All of your cantaloupe will end up on the right side of your fruit salad.
February 19 – March 20
Go to your local grocery store and randomly shadow box in the produce section. See what happens.
March 21 – April 19
Be sure not to do anything to attract the attention of baby lizards.
April 20 – May 20
Today may be the day, whether you like it or not, to speak on a concerning recurring and resentful issue of someone’s inability to match their socks with their belt.
May 21 – June 20
You may have to give your seat up on the bus for a blind man and his seeing eye llama.
June 21 – July 22
You have a reason to be about as jumpy as a mermaid at a fish fry.
July 23 – August 22
This week you will speak as if you are storing a mouthful of acorns.
August 23 – September 22
You can totally think of five nemeses more archier than your #1 arch nemesis, and one of them will be wrapped in a yellow boa.
September 23 – October 22
When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will be to be more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has established a successful career as a parrot breeder.
October 23 – November 21
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
November 22 – December 21
Everything can be controlled except farts, and the amount of time it takes for a Domino’s pizza delivery…oh and Lindsay Lohan and the shrill of Aaron Neville’s voice.
Quote of the week: “Only trust people who like big butts. They they cannot lie.”