Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. I’ve taken your messy laziness for far too long!
On Monday you burned my toast, leaving with me with only the buttery middle of the bread, probably the size of a U.S. silver quarter. As much as I wanted to punch you in your titty ball, I forgave you. It was, after all, Monday.
When Tuesday rolled around, you completely said screw the toast all together. Though your intentions were in the right place, replacing the toast with stale bagels only landed you in the number one spot on my sh!t list. I wasn’t sure if I’d acknowledge you as a sh!t list offender or not, but after sitting in the dentist’s office for three hours waiting to have my broken tooth fixed, coming to that decision was easier than I thought.
By the time I accepted that I didn’t have anyone to hump on Wednesday, I realized my forgiving attitude would shift swiftly if you didn’t get your act together. I’m not sure if you were pissed off with Mr. Cafeteria Lady for not putting it down the night before or if the kitchen was too hot for you to slave over a stove, but serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on Tuesday’s stale ass bagels was not only ghetto, but warranted me to steal one of your hairnets to give to my neighbor’s pet pit bull to sniff so he’d have your scent when I released his viciousness on you for not satisfying my hunger. If the problem however was Mr. Cafeteria Lady, I figured it would be okay if I whooped his ass myself and told him to handle his business so you don’t have to receive any more hate mail from me or any other employee in the building. I haven’t gotten around to fighting him yet because the dentist told me I needed seven days of rest so the antibiotics he gave me can take effect on my tooth. Because my mouth is still sore, even if Mr. Cafeteria Lady isn’t the problem, I might kick his butt just for the hell of it. I need to take out my frustrations some kind of way.
When I woke up Thursday morning, I prayed for a change of heart. I asked the Lord for patience and understanding in the event I found another strand of your wig hair in my runny scrambled eggs or another one of your IDGAF (I don’t give a f—k) mystery meats. But when I actually bit into the furry burger [or whatever the hell it was you served on the menu that day] and in fact almost choked to death like my cat does when he has a fur ball lodged in his throat, I drew the conclusion that I either didn’t pray hard enough or should have left out the curse words in my request for understanding. My throat is still itching and I still want to punch you in your titty ball.
Well today is Friday. I am completely fed up from the lousy week I’ve had, the poor breakfast and lunch you’ve dished out all week, and am tired and hung over from the party I crashed last night, not to mention sick as a dog for mixing alcohol with antibiotics. Learning there is no damn coffee in the coffee pot this morning is the last straw! You have had ample time to get it right and you still haven’t complied. Enough is enough! I would like to officially warn you to email your ass home today before you get off work, because if you don’t there will be a gang of girls waiting for you in the parking lot to beat the crap out of you, unless you have a large pizza delivered to my office with extra cheese, pepperoni AND sausage…and no hair!
I will not accept any apologies, sob stories, or any forms of bribery that does not involve mozzarella cheese or vegetable oil.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just had a bad week, however that is not my problem and giving you the benefit of the doubt will not protect you from getting drop-kicked in the parking lot. I am a firm believer that you must learn from your mistakes so that you won’t make them again. And after those girls run your wig up a flag pole, perhaps then you will take your job a little more seriously and realize that employees that deal with a whole bunch of mess eight hours a day, five days a week, will not tolerate any excuses from you or anyone from the kitchen staff. Food is our salvation and cooking is your job. Get with the program or get lost!
Have a blessed day!
Quote of the week: “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
Click HERE to see what others are asking
(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column
Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,