Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
All of your sweatshirts may smell of old pork lo mein.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You can change your mind many times in a thousand years. Well, technically you can’t because you’ll be dead in about 60 years unless you’re a witch, a vampire or Nicholas Cage.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Lying about your age is proof that it is never too late to hire a math tutor.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Never do what you don’t want to do, except on 2nd dates – because that’s just good manners.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt looks like you are trying to smuggle two bald guys across the border.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A river too pure has no fish.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The way you look today is the best you’re going to look for the rest of your life.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
That gut feeling you’re experiencing is not a McDonald’s Big Mac settling on your stomach. Some shit is about to go down. No pun intended. Be ready.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You begin as a 7. After 100 cosmetic products and 3 ½ hours of prep work, you turn into a very temporary 9.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you made someone cum this year, you owe them a Christmas present.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Nothing takes the venom out of a strongly worded email like a spelling error.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your hair may smell like an improperly dried wash cloth.
Quote of the week: “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that make it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld
