Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

All of your sweatshirts may smell of old pork lo mein.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can change your mind many times in a thousand years. Well, technically you can’t because you’ll be dead in about 60 years unless you’re a witch, a vampire or Nicholas Cage.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Lying about your age is proof that it is never too late to hire a math tutor.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never do what you don’t want to do, except on 2nd dates – because that’s just good manners.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt looks like you are trying to smuggle two bald guys across the border.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A river too pure has no fish.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The way you look today is the best you’re going to look for the rest of your life.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

That gut feeling you’re experiencing is not a McDonald’s Big Mac settling on your stomach. Some shit is about to go down. No pun intended. Be ready.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You begin as a 7. After 100 cosmetic products and 3 ½ hours of prep work, you turn into a very temporary 9.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you made someone cum this year, you owe them a Christmas present.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Nothing takes the venom out of a strongly worded email like a spelling error.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your hair may smell like an improperly dried wash cloth.

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Quote of the week:  “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that make it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld