This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I thought I met the love of my life until we broke up yesterday morning, though I expected the end of the relationship was nearing. My heart is broken and I’m having a really hard time letting go and moving on. What do I do?

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina

Dear Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,

The first thing you have to do is realize, accept and understand that you obviously didn’t meet the love of your life. If you loved them that much to give them that title and they didn’t reciprocate, then your title for them was “love of my life” while their title for you was “stalker.” The only things stalkers ever get are killed, jail time and restraining orders – not necessarily in that order.

The second thing to do is remember that your breakup was just a day ago. You need time for your heart to heal.

Sometimes

The third thing to do is stop harping over what was, accept what is and have faith in what will be. Your life isn’t over yet. Just don’t go out and get hit by a bus any time soon, or listen to any Aaron Neville records. That’ll sure as hell kill you.

Aaron Neville

The fourth thing you should do is eat a tub of vanilla ice cream with extra lactose, drink as much liquor as humanly possible and download a lot of porn. It may not heal your heart but your stomach, commode and private parts will thank the hell out of you!

Lactose

Your pain isn’t going to go away overnight. You shouldn’t and can’t expect it to. That’s considered false advertisement. If you expected the demise of your relationship was drawing near and were still holding on, that past love didn’t break your heart. You broke your own heart. Trust the process of healing. Trust the process of porn. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about when I mention porn…I mean healing.  My grandmother always said, “This, too, shall pass.”

If this breakup or any Aaron Neville song doesn’t kill you, it’ll prepare you for the next big thing. Be patient. Get laid. And then get over it. Annie said it best when she said, “tomorrow is only a day away.”


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