Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 17-23, 2016

SOUL

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Lure the wolf with a hen.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.” 


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.


Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST

Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.

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The Booty Call Agreement

So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money.  Did you miss something?  Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship.  News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping.  This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love.  We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class.  Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit.  It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single.  Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed).  The sex may have been great last night.  It may have been even greater this  morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’.  However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire.   After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading.  So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A)  You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing.  That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B)  They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C)  What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement.  It’s a binding contract.  It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out.  They’ll be back.  They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are.  At this point, you have the upper hand.


Quote of the week:    “It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

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Unapologetically You

Over the last 365 days (plus six more days), I’ve observed a lot of people and the impact their behavior has had on society and the people in it.  And what I’ve learned is that no matter how questionable some people may be; no matter how clueless, careless, impulsive, uncompromising, unsympathetic, arrogant, obsessive or overly aggressive; people are the only somebodies they know how to be.  And it’s those qualities, good or bad, that makes them who they are.  Take it or leave it, babies.  Either way you’ve no right to judge.
At the end of the day we are all struggling to illustrate our own individualities in a society that’s now almost forcing us to be clones of one another.  And regardless of how we may dress it up, we are all one people fighting for a place of acceptance in this cold, cruel world.  We want to be accepted into a group, a club or a clique; or loved by someone who hasn’t quite mastered the art of loving their self first.  And to prove what to whom?  Who dictates society?  Other than the government…and the media…and our peers and neighbors, and possibly even a few coworkers.  Okay, so that probably wasn’t the best question to ask to prove a point.
The point is, regardless of where we are or with whom, we are practically in the same company we’d be in if we were alone in an empty room filled with nothing but a single mirror; looking at a reflection of a person we’re almost satisfied with (as far as satisfaction goes for an individual standard of a voice that’s lost in a sea of a song sung off key).
Whether you’re a jackass, a cheater, a liar, a hater or someone who’s outright confused about this, that or the other, be unapologetically you, because that’s what makes up your character; the character that owns his or her place in a strange land of people who are trying to be known by anyone [or everyone] simply to be accepted in a world that’s been painted by an unnamed artist.
Keep in mind that when you try too hard to be something you’re not, sometimes too much is just too much.

Being yourself is hard enough as it is so don’t get lost in everyone else’s expectations because everyone else is just as fucked up as you are and you haven’t figured out what it is you expect from yourself yet.


Quote of the week:   “Every perfect person has a flaw.  And that flaw is not accepting that nobody’s perfect.” 

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Same Sh*t, New Year: The Joy of Returning to the Office After a Long Holiday Break

Back to WorkIt doesn’t take long to get back into the swing of office hum-drum after spending days away of celebrating the Christmas/New Year holiday season. What makes me an expert in this truth is the return to the office, obviously.

As I sit at my desk sifting through piles of unfiled folders, past due email reminders, and pretending to be interested in my coworkers’ holiday fiascos, the one thing that sails the ocean of my mind is how much more of no real work I’m going to do than what I did before 2015 said goodbye for the last time.

I’m not going to return any emails today. I’m not going to check the voicemail messages that have my audix light flashing. I’m not going to contribute any comments to the first staff meeting of the year. I’m not going to file any folders. I’m not even going to pour hot coffee over the copier machine. I’m just going to sit here and continue to be paid to fill a seat behind an oak desk, the way God intended.

This list of nots is not to be confused with me not wanting to be here, because in all honesty I’m very glad to have returned. Being home on vacation doing nothing has a completely different feel than being at work doing nothing on paid time. I actually do miss my coworkers. I just don’t want to talk them. Same as last year. I also need a place to escape in order to prevent myself from drinking fully loaded alcoholic beverages for breakfast. …well I guess I can do that at work but contrary to popular belief that’s frowned upon. Same as last year. Go figure.

I guess when I think about it, my New Year attitude has only changed as it regards my personal life. For example when bill collectors call to hound me for a payment of a bill I have no intention to pay, I’m going to answer the phone and tell them I’m unavailable just like their phone number when the word unavailable pops up on the caller id.

Debt Collector

When it comes to work though, nothing’s changed. Same work. Same shit. It’s just a new year. If my memory serves me correctly (I’ve been told I suffer from CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) syndrome), I think I said this very same thing last year. With that said I don’t see a reason for me to rock the boat especially since I can’t swim.

On that note I’m going to go now. Line 2 is ringing although I’m not going to answer it. Instead I’m going to roam the halls in the event it’s an inside caller. That way I won’t be lying when I have to tell someone I wasn’t in my office when they called – coincidentally, just like I used to do last year.


Quote of the Week:   “You should check your email more often. You may have gotten fired three weeks ago.”

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