Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 17-23, 2016

SOUL

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Lure the wolf with a hen.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.” 


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.


Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST

Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.

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