Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 7-13, 2016

flying cat

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


December 22 – January 19

There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.


January 20 – February 18

A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.


February 19 – March 20

People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.


March 21 – April 19

Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.


April 20 – May 20

Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.


May 21 – June 20

Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.


June 21 – July 22

Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.


July 23 – August 22

Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.


August 23 – September 22

You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.


September 23 – October 22

It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.



October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


November 22 – December 21

Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.

Quote of the week:  “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”