Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
December 22 – January 19
There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.
January 20 – February 18
A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.
February 19 – March 20
People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.
March 21 – April 19
Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.
April 20 – May 20
Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.
May 21 – June 20
Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.
June 21 – July 22
Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.
July 23 – August 22
Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.
August 23 – September 22
You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.
September 23 – October 22
It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.
October 23 – November 21
Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
November 22 – December 21
Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.
Quote of the week: “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”