Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 7-13, 2016

flying cat

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.


 

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.


Quote of the week:  “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”

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