Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 13-19, 2016

Beer in Future

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


December 22 – January 19

Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.


January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.


February 19 – March 20

If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.


March 21 – April 19

Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!


April 20 – May 20

Wrong questions get wrong answers.


May 21 – June 20

It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.


June 21 – July 22

A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.


July 23 – August 22

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.


August 23 – September 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.


September 23 – October 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.


October 23 – November 21

Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.


November 22 – December 21

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.

Quote of the week:  “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”