Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
December 22 – January 19
Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.
January 20 – February 18
Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.
February 19 – March 20
If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.
March 21 – April 19
Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!
April 20 – May 20
Wrong questions get wrong answers.
May 21 – June 20
It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.
June 21 – July 22
A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.
July 23 – August 22
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
August 23 – September 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.
September 23 – October 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
October 23 – November 21
Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.
November 22 – December 21
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
Quote of the week: “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”