Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Wrong questions get wrong answers.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
Quote of the week: “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”
