Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wrong questions get wrong answers.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.

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Quote of the week:  “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”