Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.
Quote of the week: “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”
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