Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 17-23, 2016

Bad Day

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.


Quote of the week:  “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”

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