Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 1-7, 2016

magic orange

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have no special skills not involving a broom. However,  you are clean every Wednesday.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.


Quote of the week:  “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”

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