This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!” (Speed Advising)

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

Kats and kittens, this week we are going to kill three birds with one stone by doing what I like to call “Speed Advising.” Today we have three questions that I’m going to try to answer in as few words as possible. I could say many, many more words but let’s be honest. It’s summer and I’m being lazy. Deal with it!

Dear Hottywood, 

My girlfriend has been acting different all week (shady and picking fights). I think she’s seeing someone else.  How do I approach this situation without starting another fight? 

Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck,

cheating1Why don’t you try talking to her? Be open and honest with her. Use words like, “I feel,” instead of outright accusing her. If you accuse her of anything, whether you’re right or wrong, you’ll wake up the next morning with all your tires flattened and obscenities scribbled over your windshield in blood red fingernail polish. If you don’t communicate your feelings to her, then you’ll give her a reason to go out and cheat because you’d be proving to her that you’re too chicken shit to be straight up, even if you think it will hurt her feelings or yours. Don’t be a punk. Women don’t like punks, unless she’s a fag-hag. Then you’d either have nothing to worry about or a bigger problem on your hands than you think.

Dear Hottywood,

How do you reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached?

Left Alone at the NON-Alter

Dear Left Alone at the Non-Alter,

NO!You don’t reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached. You can’t (or shouldn’t) force yourself on someone after they’ve made it clear by word or by action that they don’t want a connection with you. Back off! Not doing so may lead to some harsh truths or untruths about you that you don’t want revealed or expressed in any manner. Forcing yourself on someone instantly and automatically turns you into a stalker. It makes someone fear you in a “creepy, I’m gonna get my brother and his boys to kick your ass” kind of way. It leads to restraining orders, broken windows, flattened tires, and deflated egos. If reaching someone who doesn’t want to be reached is worth all that hassle and heartache to you, then go right ahead. But if I never hear from you again, then I’ll know you were hard-headed and refused to accept the advice you asked for. I’ll in turn try my best not to say I told you so, but I can’t make any promises.

Dear Hottywood,

I’m stuck in a dead end job. What do I do?

Water Boy

Dear Water Boy,

Beat yourself in the head with a stapler. The first answer is to look for another job. DUH! You are only stuck if you refuse to do something about your situation. Staying where you are to continue doing what you’re doing while knowing you can do or deserve better is a show and tell of complacency. Stop being lazy and get off your ass to find something else if not better. I would imagine you’re looking for something ‘more/else’ (for lack of a better word), otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered asking for advice in the first place. Use that same effort that you used to reach out to me to instead reach out to some employment agencies that can help you with a fresh start.


CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit

Happy One Year Anniversary

Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist now brings to you its debut book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, the first of an Ask Hottywood trilogy, which chronicles the tale of a young Hottywood and his inspiration behind becoming a humorous advice columnist.

Find out more about Garfield S. Gardner, Author and Dream Free or Die!℠ Press.

Get your copy now!

TUAC Cover

After being holed up in a grungy jail cell for a crime committed by his alter ego, Gardner, a Washington DC newspaper editor, sits down for his first one-on-one interview with the very one who framed him, Hottywood Helps. What Gardner discovers is that Hottywood’s wisdom (per the nonconformist musings of his own witty advice column, ASK HOTTYWOOD!) comes with a past. The advice connoisseur embraces his calling as an unorthodox advice columnist when he finds himself amidst the drama of friends who had betrayed their love interests, in addition to witnessing a sideways cultural upheaval in his very own neighborhood; and in true artist fashion, paints pictures on his computer screen as Gardner experiences the adventures first hand.

Through Gardner’s fingertips, Hottywood’s voice sings in blog posts responding to individuals seeking solutions to their troubled day-to-day lives. Whether he’s filling the seats of church pews or spinning in office swivel chairs, Hottywood does not disappoint in guiding the misguided with over-the-top solutions to small life difficulties and easily comes into this own as a beacon of counsel behind a facade of a pair of dark shades.

Washington DC is a small city with big nerve. Ask anyone.

Better yet, ASK HOTTYWOOD!

  • Paperback: 243 pages
  • Publisher: Dream Free or Die!℠ Press; 1st edition (2015)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0692229353
  • ISBN-13: 978-0692229354

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist is a laugh out loud, feel good novel sprinkled with hilarious advice that will tickle your nostalgia and bring back memories of yesteryear!” ~ Owner, Full of Memories Travel

“Seldom have I read a book, such as Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, that has the common sense to combine textbook intelligence with real live street swag. I found myself lost in the true-life feel of the book, and at times reminded of personal experiences where I wished I had a “Hottywood” to help steer me away from foolish decisions.” ~ Raymond Glover, Department of Agriculture

“I can see this branching off onto the big or small screen.” ~ Assistant Superintendent for Catholic Schools