Don’t be a Delquon Derrick-Malik Jenkins

Kats and kittens, it’s been a while since I’ve taken some time out of my endless 15 minute coffee break to complain about anything. And by a while, I mean yesterday. But today, as I place my leftover buffalo wings on top of the office copier machine in hopes of mass-reproducing the spicy deliciousness, I am really perturbed by the smelliest smell I’ve ever smelled.

Delquon Derrick-Malik Jenkins, the blond haired, blue eyed accounting specialist down the hall, just left out of the break room with his mid-day snack. To be honest, I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but I can tell you that whatever it is, it’s loaded with onions, garlic, beans and an ADMIT ONE ticket to the bathroom. I want to say I’m offended by the smell, but I could very well be offended by the fact that ol’ Delquon didn’t offer my greedy ass any [insert PLAYA-HATEDNESS here].

Delquon isn’t the first violator of the shit you don’t eat in the office. I may be guilty of it, too, since I’m the first to warm my shrimp, crabs or collard greens in the microwave; but we aren’t talking about me because nothing I do is wrong as long as I don’t get caught doing it. Delquon’s dumb ass got caught red handed. With this said, let us be reminded that only cool people (and by cool people, I mean me) are allowed to warm up:

  • Seafood – There are enough people whose body stinks without appropriate showers.
  • Chitterlings – It’s bad enough something can smell as if it crawled up your butt and died. The last thing you should do is pull all that shit out of your insides and serve it on a plate.
  • Bean and onion burritos – GAS ASS ALERT!
  • Repurposed eggs – Don’t ask. Just don’t do it.
  • Fermented soy beans – Anything fermented is a call for disaster.
  • Steak & cheese sandwiches (but only if it comes from the deadliest carry out in the hood) – no ghetto sandwich is complete without extra onions – fried and/or raw.
  • Tortilla soup – Tortillas already smell like someone put their whole body in a bathtub EXCEPT their feet.
  • Anything where the special ingredients are monkey fur, frog hearts or the thumbs of a gorilla, for obvious reasons.

Delquon, ol’ boy, you are not me; therefore I cannot allow you to get away with disrespecting our office with that mess you call food. You call it food. I call it an edible boat anchor to hold the weight of your pot belly where it is until high cholesterol or an overdose of calories carries you to meet your maker. Until then, we are having an ice cream social in conference room 14A at 4:00pm and you are not invited.


Quote of the Week:  More people will get out of your way if you say “I’m gonna puke!” than if you say “Excuse me.”

  

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2016

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Quote of the week:  “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”

The Relationship Quiz

It’s never easy to accept when a relationship is over, whether you are effected by the disruption or the cause of it.  Luckily for you,

Hottywood Helps! 

This little quiz will help you to realize how much BS you are able to endure from your mate before finally packing your overnight bag and running for the border.

Be warned that the truth hurts, but in the end hurt never felt so good.

When you are tired of hearing the sound of your mate’s voice, do you:

  1. Spend all your time in the bathroom flushing the toilet repeatedly to drown out your partner’s voice?
  2. Remove all the writing utensils from the house and then tell your partner to write down everything it is they have to say?
  3. Resort to a telephone call using sign language?
  4. Threaten to never have sex with your partner again if they don’t shut up?
  5. Suffocate them with a bunch of Safeway bags?
  6. None of the above.  No one will date me.

When you stop trusting your partner, do you:

  1. Replace every telephone number in their address book with that of the city morgue?
  2. Eat a spoonful of quick drying cement, French kiss them and become permanently joined at the lips?
  3. Cheat on your mate with as many people as you can in an effort to be an even bigger whore than you believe them to be?
  4. Put caramel in the seat of all of their underwear?
  5. Eat a bag of Funyons just before it’s time to do the grown up?
  6. None of the above.  My mate dumped me for a midget gypsy pole dancer.

When your partner makes goo-goo eyes at the restaurant waiter/waitress for an extra free basket of bread, do you:

  1. Get the server fired by insisting to the restaurant manager that the particular server stars in a recurring role of ‘America’s Next Top Pimp’s Bitch’?
  2. Jump in your partner’s lap and dry hump them during the dessert course?
  3. Blindfold your partner with a handful of burnt spaghetti?
  4. Openly discuss the furry mole that’s growing around your partner’s waxed nipples?
  5. Order the most expensive thing on the menu [to-go], then end the relationship dramatically while stiffing your partner for the bill.
  6. None of the above.  My partner can no longer eat solid foods because I broke his/her jaw bone the last time he/she flirted with someone else.

If your partner perceives you as a moron, is it because you:

  1. Don’t know the telephone number for 9-1-1?
  2. Own a drawer full of the same pairs of mismatched socks?
  3. April Fool’s Day jokes are played on you every day?
  4. Attempt to pay your speeding tickets with an EBT card?
  5. Can never find ‘To Wong Fu’ on the Chinese take-out menu?
  6. None of the above.  My mate is just as much of a moron as I am.

You are probably not relationship material if you:

  1. Communicate with the voices in your head more than you do with actual people.
  2. Think a third wheel in a relationship has anything to do with a tricycle.
  3. Would rather make love while watching a Dominos Pizza commercial rather than a skin flick with the words ‘Butts, Boobs and Butternut Squash’ in the title.
  4. Think Dorothy was a genius for walking into a forest full of lions, tigers and bears.
  5. Believe the shortest month of the year would not be so short if it wore high heels.
  6. None of the above.  The cleavage on my back seems to be a real turn-off to people so I already I’ll never be considered as relationship material.

Click HERE to see what others are asking

or dial

(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


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Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”