Seven of the Most Perfect Ideas to Give to Someone for Christmas (Clean…sorta, and Cheap)

FotoFlexer_PhotoUnless you were born under a rock or are a descendant of the infamous Ebenezer Scrooge, you know the Christmas season is a time for giving (for those of you that celebrate Christmas). What better time than now to think of some things to give to someone in your life that is so desperately in need? Personally, I can think of a few things to give to some people.

I’ve been writing out a list of perfect gift ideas to give to folk. For example:

Give the gift of:

A clue – Let’s be real. There are some dummies out there who couldn’t find their way out of a cardboard box, though it may be really entertaining to laugh at a nut job that can’t tell the difference between in, out, up and down (I would say left and right but I struggle with left and right myself. And if you tell me to get a clue, I’m going to give you a gift, which ironically is next on my list).

An ass – I can think of more than a few people to give an ass to kiss. Sometimes giving someone a finger (middle finger f**k you sign) isn’t enough. After telling them “f**k you!,” you want to emphasize just how much you really mean it by throwing in one final profane gesture (bending over with your butt exposed, followed by the ever popular demand, “kiss my ass!”).

A nose – All too commonly people lose their noses because they can’t stay out other people’s business. I think every person should have an extra one or simply learn how to keep their noses out of other people’s business. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.”

A job – I’m getting real sick and tired of broke mofos (codename for motherf**ers) asking to borrow money and then not being able to afford to pay it back. Giving someone a gift of a job is a sure way to teach them how to value money, especially when they are being begged to give it away for free with no expectation of getting it back as deceitfully promised.

A life – People with no life of their own spend all their time trying to involve themselves in or control yours. In this process, they lose a nose while being so consumed with minding your business.

An assistant – I’m not going to lie, I am pretty lazy and I don’t always like to say “yes” when asked to do favors for other people. However in order for one to have an assistant, they must first have a job.

A pet goldfish – You can always tell when someone lives alone or has no real friends because all they do is talk while never really saying anything. Please shut up! If you give someone a gift of a goldfish, they can talk to it all they want. Perhaps when the fish dies, that person will attribute their endless and usually unwarranted conversation to the demise of the fish’s life. Suddenly a Run DMC song comes to mind (“You talk too much and you never shut up!”).

There’s no need to thank me for this list. Consider this my gift to you.



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