Resolutions Under Construction

My stomach is still full from Thanksgiving and I have yet to buy any Christmas gifts for anyone else (so far I’ve made five gift purchases and they are all TO me FROM me).  Since my timeline is all screwed up, I might as well get a jump on my New Year’s Resolutions.

This go round I’m not going to write the typical stuff like eat only two Big Macs from McDonald’s instead of three, or lose weight in my pinky toe, or speak profane language only after 5pm, or stop doing it to people with whom I have no emotional connection, because I can’t be honest with myself or you and say I’m going to stop doing any of these things.  I will however, say I’m going to try my best to do the following:

  1. Eat more stuff… Oh, I guess I should finish. …that makes me feel good (enter McDonald’s Big Macs).
  2. Poop frequently.
  3. Pick fights with shoes and pillows (because I have nothing better to do with my time).
  4. Smell things that look interesting. I’m sure this will get me into a lot of trouble, but will lead to the most interesting stories.
  5. Be less scared of telephones and strangers.
  6. Run outside and randomly yell more.
  7. Fart without shame.
  8. Worry less about things I can’t eat or play with.
  9. Lose weight. Again.
  10. Don’t get caught. Again.
  11. Spend less than $17485975662536.00 at the Dollar Store.
  12. Make better bad decisions.

Don’t worry. There’s plenty more where that came from.

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