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CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I hate it when someone walks into my office and asks me dumb questions like, “are you busy?” Of course I’m busy. I’m at work. Is there an appropriate way to tell someone to go away and leave me the hell alone?”

There Goes My Promotion

Dear There Goes My Promotion,

BUSYI can advise you that telling someone to go away and leave you the hell alone is a sure way to not only lose a promotion but also your job in its entirety. Why don’t you try skipping deodorant for a few days or not brushing your teeth for a week? I promise you no one will want to come near you. With these actions, you won’t have to use any language prohibited in the workspace (“no,” “I can’t,” “I’m busy.”).

Unless you come right out and say you’re otherwise preoccupied by order of God, there’s no amount of acceptable deterring appropriateness that will discourage a colleague from interrupting you for any reason. In the office world, saying the word “no” to anyone or “yes, I’m busy” is laughable, ill-advised and punishable by pink slip.

If you have a private office, you may try barricading your door so no one can get in. The problem with that is you may not be able to get out. You’ll realize how big of a problem this can be when (a) you have to use the bathroom and (b) when it’s time to leave for the day. If by some off chance you are able to keep your door closed for the day with the ability to enter and exit, you want to make sure that whenever you leave your office (bathroom break, lunch break, smoke break, etc.) you do so as clandestinely as possible. This would be a prime time to exercise your ninja stealth skills. Hide behind shadows, slither on the floor like a garden snake, or even trying emailing yourself to wherever you need to be. Be warned, though. Most officemates are nosey as hell. No matter how hard you try to be invisible there is always someone watching you. ALWAYS.

If you have a cubicle, I’m sorry to say you’re screwed. As long as your colleagues can see your face you are available to them. Period.

Your best option is to try my ‘not washing your ass’ suggestion. Good luck with that!

Hottywood


Dear Hottywood,

The relationship I’m in with my girl isn’t going quite the way I imagined it would after dating for a number of months. I still like her. I might even love her, but because we’ve faced so many exhausting challenges, I think I’d be okay whether we stayed together or broke up. This is a Catch 22. My question however isn’t about my relationship. I’m already okay with however that turns out. My question is what is a Catch 22?

Thanks in advance,

Boy Don’t Read

Dear Boy Don’t Read

Catch 22_3First of all, Boy Don’t Read, I need you to read something. It’s good for your mind. I sure as hell hope you read this because I’m a lazy mofo and today I’m in lazy mode, but my readers come before anything, even my laziness…well, except bacon…and God…and ass (not necessarily in that order). Okay, now moving on to your question.

Wait, before we begin, let me wish you luck on things with your girl. I’m a big sarcastic sap and I love love. With that said I’m hoping you two can get your shit together and remember why it is you started dating in the first place. Also, don’t lie to yourself. If you’re not happy, then move on. If you’re unsure then listen to my first suggestion and try to remember why you started dating in the first place.

Okay, NOW on to your question.

There is a whole hard-to-understand definition of Catch 22 plastered all over the internet. Instead of giving you a bunch of words and rules that you’ll need a translator to comprehend, lemme break it down to you by saying “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” or “you’re screwed either way.”  That’s the simplest way of defining a Catch 22.

Catch 22 1

  • A situation where a choice comes down to two unfavorable options, and either way is not a win.
  • A situation where you have two possible choices, either of which will have negative ramifications for you.
  • A no-win dilemma or paradox.
  • A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
  • Quite the predicament; where objective 1 cannot be obtained without the completion of objective 2, which cannot be obtained without objective 1, because of a set of often incoherent rules or laws.
  • Heads I win. Tails you lose.

catch 22_2

The term Catch 22 was first introduced in the 1961 novel, “Catch 22” (written by Joseph Heller) which describes absurd bureaucratic constraints on soldiers in World War II. The term, in relation to the book, invokes “Catch 22” to explain why any pilot requesting mental evaluation for insanity—hoping to be found not sane enough to fly and thereby escape dangerous missions—demonstrates his own sanity in making the request and thus cannot be declared insane. This phrase also means a dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.

It’s been suggested that the idea of a “Catch-22” has gained popular currency because so many people in modern society are exposed to frustrating bureaucratic logic.

“Everyone, then, who deals with organizations, understands the bureaucratic logic of Catch-22. In high school or college, for example, students can participate in student government, a form of self-government and democracy that allows them to decide whatever they want, just so long as the principal or dean of students approves. This bogus democracy that can be overruled by arbitrary fiat is perhaps a citizen’s first encounter with organizations that may profess ‘open’ and libertarian values, but in fact are closed and hierarchical systems. Catch-22 is an organizational assumption, an unwritten law of informal power that accepts the organization from responsibility and accountability, and puts the individual in the absurd position of being accepted for the convenience or unknown purposes of the organization.” – James E. Combs and Dan D. Nimmo

“Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

“Heads I win. Tails you lose.”

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Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been smashing this chick for a lil while now, and the more time I spend with her the more I realize how ratchet she is. How do I get rid of her? Breaking up in the traditional sense isn’t working.

Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball

Dear Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball,

ratchetIt’s not uncommon for us men to be led by the heads in our pants versus the head on our shoulders. That’s in our DNA. However when such a thing happens, sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for only to suffer the consequences after the rainfall has dried up. Then what are we left with? Depending on what neck of the hood we’re from, we get a ratchet broad that wears an unmatched bra and panty set.  So how do we get rid of them? I’m glad you asked. Below are nine ideas that are almost proven to drop that ratch-ball in no time. And by almost proven, I mean not proven at all.

Before we begin, let’s look at the Urban Dictionary’s definition of Ratchet.

Ratchet 

A word that people use to call something “ghetto” or the equivalent of “ghetto”.

The irony lies in that 95% of the time, a “ghetto” person is using the word.

Person 1: She so ratchet gurl.
Person 2: Oh the irony.

ratchetlogo

Ratchet 

A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every mans eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.

Typical signs to beware of include, but are not limited to:

  • Owning a Blackberry
  • Blares anything by Drake, 2Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka, Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Cali Swag District, or any other garbage entertainment rapper
  • Rowdily quotes “lyrics” from aforementioned artists
  • Has a weave reminiscent of a bird’s nest after a tempest hit the tree it was in, and is dyed at least thrice
  • Wears torn leggings/stalkings (mostly of the fishnet variety), unpolished 8″ heels (or higher, depending on how God-awful they look), fitted jean jackets (to accent the blubber ’round their arms and stomach), and 4 layers of caked on make-up to go clubbing
  • Repeatedly use ludicrous terms such as “YOLO”, “swag”, “boost”, “beaking”, “doe”, “really”, “naw”, “actually”, “twerk”, “coaster”, “dagga”, etc., to make a valid statement when they speak
  • Have side bangs, despite having incredibly small-ass foreheads to support them
  • Are commonly overweight
  • And are mind-numbingly stupid; a safe assumption to make would be saying they’re uneducated (as if they could pass the 4th grade)

Ratchet 

Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus is ratchet. She thinks She can “twerk” and thinks she is from “the hood”.

Miley-Cyrus-We-Cant-Stop

PERSONALLY I LOVE MILEY CYRUS. Hey Miley, call me! ~Hottywood


NINE WAYS TO GET RID OF RATCHET

  1. Speak in complete sentences. A true ratchet broad will be too lazy to carry a dictionary to understand any and all of your unEbonic words. Nine times out of ten she’ll think you’re offending her intelligence. Be prepared to be cursed out. Curse words are her version of intelligence.
  2. Blurt out “last call!” When the liquor runs out (and the potato chips), so will she. Be sure to blink your eyes repeatedly and kind of fast. It’ll be reminiscent of the lights flickering at a nightclub when the bartender allows all the drunks one last round.
  3. Always announce, beforehand, that you can’t afford to supersize any value meals. You’ll be deemed cheap; and everyone knows no ratchet broad will date a man (or boy) that can’t afford to up the size of her French fries.
  4. Spend more money on her children’s clothes than you would on hers. She may have you jumped by Pookie and nem, but after you heal from your near death ass whooping, you’ll never hear from her again. …well, until school gets ready to reopen after summer.
  5. Wear a suit and tie the next time you take her out to the movies. No respectable ratchet chick would be caught dead hanging out with a guy that wears a suit and tie. He’s waaaaaay out of her league.
  6. Maintain a close relationship with your mother. A true ratchet woman wouldn’t know how to take you if you have respect for a woman, even if it is your mother. If you’re not calling a woman a bitch, then you’re not a real man.
  7. Late at night when she’s good and sleep, wake her up to the blasting tunes of folk music. This will work best if you’ve taken the time to learn the lyrics to the song so you can sing along. By doing this you will immediately lose all cool points and she’ll no longer want to be bothered with you.
  8. Serve her Lipton iced-tea instead of grape soda. This is enough to end ANY relationship!
  9. Don’t return any “special kisses” after she’s done it for you. This may or may not bother her, so use this as your last resort.

I won’t bother to end this post with a clever conclusion because it speaks for itself. But if you follow these suggestions, you just might save yourself a whole heap of trouble.

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Dear Hottywood

Me and my coworker do not get along and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. When I interviewed, he ran up to say that I would like it there if I was hired. Now I get the cold shoulder and I’ve been nothing but nice.

Hottywood, please help me! 

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

ejection seatUnfortunately work is full of folks who wear plastic smiles. I call them members of the Mr. Potato Head entourage. Calling them names don’t do much [for me], but it does give me something to laugh at when I see them in the hallway.

I could speculate and give you a ton of reasons why you and your coworker aren’t getting along. Maybe you smell better than he does so he’s giving you a hard time because giving you a hard time is easier than spending a sufficient amount of time in the shower before going to work. Maybe you work smarter than your coworker so he’s giving you a hard time because you’re raising the bar on the productivity of work in the office, and for that he wants to smash your writing fingers with a glass coffee mug. Maybe he isn’t getting any nookie at home and comes to work horny and mad at the world but only takes it out on you because you smell better and work smarter than he does. Who knows? The possibilities are endless.

What I do know is that your work performance should not be contingent upon your relationship with your coworker. However I’m not sure of the line of work you’re in so I can’t be too sure about how closely you two work together. If you work as closely as I would assume, the next time he’s near you punch him. If he doesn’t get his act together after that, try one of my next suggestions.

You can go to your supervisor and complain (this never works. Supervisors are usually too lazy to care about your relationships with your colleagues. They want you to get the work done no matter what it takes and expect you to leave them out of anything as much as possible, until of course it’s time to give them kudos for all your hard work).

You can threaten your coworker during lunch behind the company vending machine (this is just as much fun as it sounds).

You can communicate with your coworker only via email and BCC your supervisor on the strand so that he/she may see what kind of a strained relationship you and your coworker share (at least this way you can talk to your coworker without actually saying a word – POOF! Mind blown).

You can flip your desk over dramatically, quit, moon the entire office and walk out of the building unemployed (this would probably be my last realistic recommendation but my first recommendation for a dream staged left exit).

Whatever you do though, you have to remember that shit happens in ANY office during the regular hours of 8am-6pm.

If your coworker hasn’t changed after any or all of that, ignore his ass and give him a taste of his own medicine. When he comes to you for some kind of help, and he will, it will be your sole responsibility to play as dumb as a door knob.

If all else fails, build a covert ejection seat for his swivel chair. When he pisses you off, press EJECT and watch the dome of his head go crashing through the ceiling. If the concussion doesn’t kill him, try again tomorrow. No one can survive an ejection blast twice in one lifetime. #IfAtFirstYouDontSucceed…

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Dear Hottywood,

My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument last night over my attitude. Well apparently to her I had an attitude. To me, I was stressed out, horny and haven’t smoked any Mary Jane in about a week. Now she thinks there’s more to my last night’s mood than I told her. I want to get back in her good graces but I’m fearful that another argument will ensue because of her doubt in my truth. Help!

I Didn’t Mean To

Dear I Didn’t Mean To,

I most certainly can understand your reasons for bitching out on your girl. But I’m a man. Understanding my fellow brutha’s disgust over no ass or weed is in my DNA. It’s in every man’s DNA. Whatever you did, my brutha, I know you didn’t do it.

Right_WrongWhat you have to realize is that women think much more broadly than men. To her, your stress or mood swing(s) – I’m sure – had something to do with something she did (in her eyes) or even another woman who is now causing you to react funky towards your current lady. I can almost bet that’s the direction your conversation/argument took. No matter how much or how hard you try to convince her that your mood has nothing to do with what she thinks, it’s all about what she thinks. You are not in the equation. You are merely the ass that’s fuqing everything up. I really can’t tell you what to do to change her mind because chances are her final thoughts about what’s going on in your head are set in stone.

Whatever she does or says, just tell her she’s right – even if you think she’s as wrong as two left shoes. Take her out to dinner at McDonald’s and tell her no bitch can pull off some pumps like she can. Even if her shoes are old ratty Reebok classics with lip stick stains all over them.  She may still think your behavior is bitch-like, but she’ll ease up on trying to make you feel or look like a butthole. A little testosterone giving in to estrogen power goes a long way. Problem solved. …for now anyway.

Good luck, buddy. And I hope you get some ass and chronic soon.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

Since a leopard can’t change its spots, can I draw some new ones on it?

Ray

Dear Ray,

leopardSince you haven’t given me much to go on here, the answer to this question is simple. If you want to get mauled by a leopard, you can draw spots on it. The adventure wouldn’t be actually drawing the spots or seeing how the leopard will look with new spots, but rather [the adventure would be] staying alive, because there’s no doubt that mofo will rip you to shreds!

I don’t know too many leopards that would let you get that close. Well, let me be honest. And you might find this hard to believe. I don’t know any leopards.  However if I were to die from an attempt to draw on a wild animal – in this case, a leopard – you’d be the first to know, only I wouldn’t be the one to tell you because my ass would be dead somewhere with my remains being picked over by a rogue gang of hungry buzzards.  HA!

If by chance you are referring to an actual person and are using this “leopard” as a metaphor, then the answer to this question is a little different – kind of and kind of not.  If this leopard person has been living with the same spots for all its his/her days, a little ink isn’t going to change anything but the outward appearance. The appearance will remain the same provided the leopard doesn’t get wet. If it does, then those spots will be washed away, leaving you with what you started with.

Make peace with that leopard. Pet it often but be careful. A wild animal will eventually attack you because that’s the environment in which it was raised. Survival of the fittest is all it knows. Sadly, the same can be said about people. Think about it:  Some women call all men dogs and some men call all women bitches. DOGS + BITCHES = WILD ANIMALS.

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Dear Hottywood,

I have been stuck in a dead end job for about 10 years. I make just enough money to pay my bills each month, but that’s about it Every now and then I moonlight as a personal assistant to a few indie artists, but I am scared to venture out and do it full time. Lately I have been feeling like I am caught between a dream and a job. Any advice for me?

Caught Up,

Dear Caught Up,

dead-end-jobAs a graduate of a school for the arts, I am compelled to tell you to follow your dreams. If you feel as if you have what it takes to do you your own thing or change career paths, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Your current job is what pays the bills. But are you really content living from paycheck to paycheck just to make ends meet at or for a job that’s going nowhere? That’s both boring and exhausting. Why not go into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars so you can pay yourself to be your own bitch for hire, and eventually hire other bitches to work for you? Going into business for yourself translates into doing something that you love – by choice – not because some old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie (who incidentally gets paid three times more than you) told you to. Fuq him and do you! With a little effort, sweat, blood and tears (a small price to pay), you can be that old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie that makes life difficult for those employees who are too scared to take a chance on themselves. If I’m speaking harshly, it’s only because I want you to be mad enough to go out and make a change for the better. Just don’t come to my doorstep trying to whoop my ass for telling you some real, true shyt!

An important perk of going into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars, or whatever else you may choose to do, is you can be late as often as you like because you are sleeping with the boss. Hell. That should be all the reason you need! Shoot. With that said I just may get up and quit my job right now! Of course I’m not saying this out loud. I’m crazy, not stupid. You should also consider the perks of working for indie artists. I have three words for you: FREE CONCERT TICKETS!

On another note, what are you doing in your spare time? Day-dreaming about following your dreams? Be honest. Doesn’t that sound like a waste of time?

If there’s anything you want to do, even if it’s fart in public without worry, make it happen! You’re worth it. Right? …don’t take that farting thing too seriously – I’m just saying.

Don’t continue letting the fate of your future rest in the hands of someone else. Don’t be scared to fall or fail. Not only does falling and failing build character, it teaches you how to be strong and push yourself. It also gives you the strength to punch anyone that gets in your way. And finally, don’t be lazy. Get off your ass and be like Nike – “Just do it.” Complacency is a trap! And you don’t want to be trapped in a position that’s going nowhere.

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Dear Hottywood,

I took a field trip to the bathroom down the hall from my office only to be disappointed by the fact that the same fat, foul smelling guy has been in there for 40 minutes stinking up the place. A few of my mustache hairs fell out when I opened the door. Is there an appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom?

Up to Here with That

Dear Up to Here with That,

HULK BathroomC’mon man, be reasonable. If you were full of shit, would you want someone to limit the amount of time it takes for you to get your pipes clean? I think the rational answer to this question is NO.  Also, NO there is no appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom. What are you, 6 years old?

When you were in grade school, didn’t your teacher give you a preposterous 3 minutes to use the john, assuming you didn’t have to drop a bomb in the commode? And when that teacher gave you those laughable 3 minutes, were you in control of time or did your shit have a mind of its own?

Asking someone to limit the time use of the company bathroom will come back to bite you in the ass (no pun intended) FLUSHthe next time you overload on Taco Bell, Chipotle or McDonald’s. How would you feel if you had a guard standing outside of your bathroom stall with a stop watch? I’m pretty sure you’d feel embarrassed and ready to fight. You’d also feel like you need to look for a new job after having even considered that someone (meaning your stall guard) would joke with his friends over lunch or during an inappropriate email exchange about whatever it was that crawled inside your stomach and died.

If you can’t wait for the bathroom to be free and clear of all bodies except your own so that you can pee or shit in peace and private, then you need to hold your mess and hope your intestines don’t explode or carry an adult diaper, a can of extra strength air spray, a large smell-proof bucket, a change of clothes, and a box of consideration.

Quote of the Week:  “Here I sit broken-hearted; Paid a dime but only farted. Next time I will take my chance; Save a dime and crap my pants!

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so and as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t. We don’t see eye to eye on ANYTHING except sex. When I mention anything about our differences I’m labeled as being “extra” (you know, someone that does too much). Even in private we don’t start off on the same page. I adapted to our communication imbalance, but I think I deserve more. And even though our sex amazing, he’s always the first one “satisfied.” I’ve brought this up numerous times only to receive the following response each time: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? I mean, didn’t you c*m? What’s the problem?”

I keep telling myself – and I keep being told by others – that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse, but I think there is potential for this relationship…maybe. What do you think?

Selfish in the City

Dear Selfish in the City,

IT IS TIMEBe careful not to settle for the wrong reason(s). If you are only happy or satisfied sexually, then it sounds to me that your relationship is or should be labeled as “bump buddies” or “friends with benefits” or some sort of business arrangement that involves free ass and no money exchange. Personally if you ask me, any hooker on the street would slap your forehead for willingly and continuously being screwed without an emotional connection or money exchange. I’m just saying.

You’re not going to settle comfortably with anyone unless you see eye to eye on [most] things outside of the bedroom, back seat of a car, public bathroom…whatever. Do you want to settle with someone who isn’t meeting your needs or entertaining your non-sexual desires? Or someone who always nuts before you? Really? That’s how you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want a Mr. Right or are you okay with a Mr. Right Now(?), because the picture you’re painting is a portrait of Mr. Right Now.

Ask yourself:

  1. Is he the only fish in the sea?
  2. Is the sex that good? Damn!
  3. Is he the best you can do?
  4. Do you think you have no more to offer than good booty?

The longer you sell yourself short, the more complacent you’ll continue to be in this half-assed relationship or whatever you want to call it.

You have a choice: (1) Either you get off your bump and find someone that can meet your expectations of the heart and mind or (2) continue to be screwed by dudes that’s only interested in f*cking.

If you look at it from that perspective you don’t need my opinion or anyone else’s for that matter. You know what you need to do. If old boy is being this difficult, Sweetheart, he’s not emotionally invested.

It’s time for you to be selfish about what you need rather than letting someone else be selfish about what they want from you. If it’s the sex that’s keeping you around, that’s an easy problem to fix just by visiting your local Pleasure Palace and picking up a couple of adult toys. It may not be as satisfying as the real thing but it’ll get the job done while you search for what you’re looking for.

“The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.”

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Dear Hottywood,

I was hooking up regularly with a lady friend of mine. In order to make our meetings more convenient, I never bothered to get my parking pass back from her (residents and guests must have a parking pass to park on the premises of my complex. Unfortunately the leasing office does not distribute guest parking passes anymore). She hasn’t been quite forthright in returning the pass, and has since made quite a few unannounced visits to my house. Even though I’ve expressed to her that I’m not interested in anything more than a casual hookup, she is rather insistent that we are a couple and that 2015 will be our year to make the magic happen between us. I want to keep f!@%ing her, but I don’t want the commitment and responsibility of being in a relationship. I also want my parking pass back. Please help.

Thank you,

Restricted

Dear Restricted,

Go AwayThis is one fine pickle you’ve gotten yourself into. Don’t you know that giving someone your residential parking pass is equivalent to giving them a set of keys to your house? You put yourself in a commitment when you gave her free access to your place, coupled with the regular hookups.

In this lady’s mind, you told her that she’s the only one you’re banging and that she can come over any time she wants because she now has unrestricted access to your community. Certainly (again, in her mind) she’s the only person you’re f!@%ing because no man would be stupid enough to give out his keys parking pass to more than one female at a time if he didn’t think things were serious. When you gave her the pass, she no doubt called all her friends and family and told them to expect wedding bells soon. I can almost bet you $1.00 that you let her keep the pass because you didn’t feel like walking out to her car in the cold to get it back after y’all banged late one night. I could be wrong, but every man has done this dumb shit at least once in his life. I’ve done it three times, personally. This valuable lesson that I wasn’t smart enough to learn the first time cost me $75.00 x 3.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve told her you’re not interested in anything more than a casual f@!k-fest. Your words are irrelevant now. All that matters is that you gave her a parking pass of her very own and pretty much permanently invited her into your personal space, which clearly means the opposite of what you said. Also, it’s not uncommon for a woman to equate sex with love. And if you’re sexing her regularly, you must love her a lot according to the natural order of a woman’s thinking who’s been single for far too long.

If you tried to explain to her your disinterest in a monogamous relationship and she’s ignored your plea, the only things left for you to do is to be mean and snatch the pass out of her car while she’s watching or be slick and do it behind her back. Your final option after retrieving your shit is to bone her one last time, ensuring that she stays over long after the gates have locked and the tow trucks have made their rounds. When she finally leaves your place only to discover that her car has been towed, she’ll be pissed enough never to risk coming back to your house with no parking pass to protect her vehicle, especially if you’ve locked the door after she’s left and immediately sent all her calls to voicemail. It’s a low-blow option with no morals or consideration, but at this point it seems that lack of morals and consideration are the only things that will get through to her since honesty isn’t working.

Just to be sure you got your message across, after you’ve gotten your pass back, banged one last time real good, put her out and became profusely unavailable after her car’s been towed, immediately post a sign on your door that reads something like (and just to be clear, one sign never works. If I were you I’d post a bunch of signs all at once):

BEWARE OF DOG (This is especially effective if you have no dog)

JUST MOVED

JUST DIED

DO NOT DISTURB. THIS MEANS YOU!!! YEAH, YOU!

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT KNOCKING

PLEASE GO AWAY. I DON’T CARE

TRY NEXT DOOR. I’M BUSY

BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS. DO NOT DISTURB

FILMING PORN. QUIET ON SET

NOT NOW. MY EGO NEEDS A REST

Good luck, my friend. I and every man on the planet who has ever gone through this ordeal is pulling for ya. And I’m praying that this chick isn’t a psycho stalker who is now planning your quick and silent demise. If I never hear from you again, I’ll know why.

~Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I hate to bring another relationship issue to Ask Hottywood, but I’m a bit at a standstill. My girlfriend has been missing in action for the last three weeks. In that time I’ve probably seen her three times (once per week), but the pattern is so abrupt. It has me worried that she’s seeing someone else. I just don’t have proof. I can’t shake this worried feeling that our relationship is over. I’ve been trying to be faithful and wait for things to get back to normal, but I’m not seeing any signs of normalcy and am beginning to care less about the demise of what we had that I once thought was so good. What should I do? Is it time to let go and move on?

~Wits End

Dear Wits End,

Don’t worry about what issues you bring to Ask Hottywood. What does Hottywood do? Hottywood Helps, no matter what the issue is.

Trust me when I tell you I’ve been where you are. I’ve been where you are at least five times in my life (five times meaning five hundred), the last being the hardest to deal with. I say that to say I understand that it’s not quite so simple to let go of someone because your heart (and your mind) doesn’t want to allow giving up to be an option. Think about it though. If your girl has been MIA for three weeks, but has graced you with her presence three times in twenty one days, she’s left you no choice but to assume something is up [enter worry and frustration here]. That ol’ heifer.

I don’t want to put any more thoughts in your mind than what you’ve already concocted yourself, but three weeks is a long time to leave someone hanging. Do you deserve that? Is that what you wanted or expected? NO! I don’t necessarily want to tell you to let go however it is time to move on with yourself. And I’m not talking about the right palm…yet. If your relationship with her is meant to be then it shall be. Don’t be a dummy in the process though. While you’re waiting around for her, who knows what she’s doing. Good or bad, the problem is that you don’t know. If you don’t know, that means she’s stumped the communication, which is a problem because if there’s one thing females like to do, it’s talk. So if she’s not talking to you…well, again, you’ve probably already thought about what I’m thinking so I won’t say it for fear of making matters worse. I know how dudes get when their girl or their favorite piece of ass goes ghost (I feel your pain my brutha. Stay strong. New booty is on the way soon if the old broad can’t get her shit together). …don’t jump to conclusions, though, until you’ve given her a fair chance to explain where the hell she’s been. If she chooses not to explain, chances are she’s hiding something. THEN you worry.

Meanwhile, revel in the time you had with her at one point. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst, or at least, or most – whatever you decide – prepare yourself for a new chapter in life. There’s no point in you waiting around for someone who is avoiding you. You can’t read her mind and begging (in my opinion) is not an option. Man up and focus on you. Once all of your attention is back on yourself, either she’ll come around or you will find someone else to hold your attention. Rent some porn; whack off a bit; go lay someone else. Exercise. Chop wood. Who cares? Do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about the one person who can’t or won’t find the time to think about you.

Let me leave you with this thought: “The higher up on the food chain you go, the admiration isn’t just for the hungry, but for the ones that go the extra mile to take a bite.” Chew on that.

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Dear Hottywood,Stupid

I’m in love with someone who’s only in love with playing house with me. What’s a girl to do?

~Dangerously in Love

Dear Dangerously in Love,

The answer to your question is simple. Raise your standards – not only for the person that’s not loving you the way you want/need to be loved [holistically], but for yourself. There’s no point in making yourself look like a fool at your own expense.

I’ve said this a thousand times and I’ll say it again. “CHASE DREAMS; NOT PEOPLE.”

Then end.

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Dear Hottywood,

I met someone online about six months ago. When we met it was really just a turn up thing (as in I was probably drunk or high at the time). After that night I didn’t feel anything for her emotionally or sexually, yet somehow I got pulled into a relationship with her (I know, I know. That’s a whole other issue). During the course of time we’ve been hanging out, I haven’t been intimate with her because I’ve found pleasure in other people. To make a long story short, I recently found out she is (or has been) doing the same thing I’ve been doing; she sent me a note online not knowing she was actually talking to me. I played it off really smooth – I’m pretty sure deadbeat guys across the world would have been so proud of me – and  made a big deal about it and am sure I made her feel as bad as I’d hoped during my break up speech. I used the situation as a way out of the relationship. Should I feel bad? I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now.

Class Act Hypocrite

Dear Class Act Hypocrite,

CaughtSadly I must tell you that you really can’t blame her for doing what she did. If you haven’t been intimate with her, she found a way to tend to her needs just like you did with those other people.

What you’re probably feeling right now is guilt (for being such a hypocrite), cowardly (for not being honest about your feelings), shame (for leading this chick on) and relief (for finally being free from the burden of a meaningless relationship).  If you’re not feeling any of these things then I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you because you should be feeling all of these things.  I hope this answers your question.

Now on the flip side, I wouldn’t be opposed to you throwing yourself a victory party. There is nothing worse than playing house with someone you feel shouldn’t be sitting at the table. You may miss her for a minute though. If you’ve been seeing her for six months (shaking my head at you), then you ought to be used to having her around (like people are used to having dogs and goldfish nearby).  Let that marinate for a moment.

Anyway, chin up! What’s done is done.

Congratulations on your recent freedom! You no longer have to hide the truth from the person who’s been lying to you.

Congratulations on finding a successful way out of a losing situation, with all of its deceitful glory!

And finally, congratulations for not getting caught doing the same sneaky shit this girl got caught doing!

You got lucky. Try not to make this a habit.

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Dear Hottywood,

My last office meeting was so boring I dozed off without realizing it. My boss decided to teach me a lesson by asking me my opinion on the meeting’s topic, which unsurprisingly I didn’t know. I fell asleep before learning what the meeting was about. My question to you is how do I fake an answer to a question, specifically in an office meeting?

Poor Evaluation

Dear Poor Evaluation,

WHATFaking an answer to a question is easy if you know how to bullshit. However not everyone is a master of the art of BS.

If you’re in a meeting and there is a round-robin in motion (each member of the group is required to give a monologue on the topic of discussion), simply agree with what the last person said. If there is no round robin in play and someone asks your opinion, tell the person that asks you the question that they’ve covered the topic thoroughly and that you couldn’t have explained it better yourself.  After your swift word play, continue on by changing the subject. Somehow relate your changed subject to anything work-related. Because what you may say may not make sense, be sure to speak quickly and don’t stop to take breaths. The trick is to confuse whoever is listening to you to the point where they have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about. Ask a lot of rhetorical questions and put someone else on the spot. As soon as you trick someone else into speaking, ask questions about the answers they’ve given. If you can, involve the entire group in the discussion, and once everyone is consumed in conversation, make a stealthy exit to the nearest bathroom, break room, cafeteria, or bus stop. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get your ass out of the room before someone realizes that with all that talking you did, you didn’t actually say anything.  I wouldn’t stay gone too long if I were you, but I’d stay gone long enough for the group to finish their conversation and move on to the next.  The next day, be sure to bring a box of donuts to the office.

Bribery succeeds where bullshit fails.

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Dear Hottywood,

I am a compulsive internet shopper. I’m not really that ashamed of it, at least not until I’ve run out of money to cover my essential bills and have to swallow my pride to borrow [money] from whomever will loan it to me. HELP! Are there some magic words you can chant to stop me from ordering my life away through PayPal?

Poor House Diva,

Dear Poor House Diva,

I want to have sympathy for you, but I too have been known to prioritize a cool overly priced neck tie over an electric bill. I do have some magic words that will help you though:

  • BANKRUPTCY/CHAPTER 11: Hope that outfit was worth your bus fare
  • DEBT: Bill collectors only say they’re your friend to lure you into their trap
  • NEGATIVE CREDIT HISTORY: You will never get a decent gubment job with bad credit
  • EMPTY REFRIDGERATOR : Your ass might be hungry but you’ll look good in your size -0 party dress
  • NO LIGHTS: You won’t be able to see what your new outfit looks like on you
  • HOMELESS: All dressed up and nowhere to go

Now what I want you to do is put your flyest outfit next to the image of any one of the magic words listed above and think about which is more important. If you choose that new must-have outfit over your priority finances, then you admit to yourself that you will be the best dressed woman in the poor house and your name, Poor House Diva, will have lived up to its reputation. Be careful though. Anyone that lives in the poor house has nothing to lose from stealing the items you bought after you’ve given up everything to have.

On the real, you should consider the following things:

SEEK THERAPY.  You need help! Just kidding…sorta. Cognitive behavioral therapy can encourage you to understand your actions and make you aware of the longer-term consequences (refer to the list above).

LOOK AT POSSIBLE MEDICATIONS. While studies on the effects of medications on compulsive shopping haven’t reached any hard-and-fast conclusions, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are sometimes helpful. Getting laid all the time will also help to keep your mind occupied.

CHECK OUT 12-STEP PROGRAMS. Most towns and cities have Shoppers AnonymousDebtors Anonymous or Overspenders Anonymous programs that operate much like Alcoholics Anonymous. Be warned though. These 12-step programs may cause you to drink. Then you run the risk of a whole other problem on your hands.

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Dear Hottywood,

I read your column all the time and laugh at some of the [relationship] advice you give to your readers. Well this time I’m coming to you for that same enlightening advice.

For the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been seeing a young lady that I met by way of a mutual friend. The introduction was initially set up because of our supposed similar interests. I should probably say that we went all the way on our first date, thus in my eyes, placing her on booty call status. However in HER eyes, I’m THE ONE. In these short days I’ve become a just-add-water husband. She’s told all of her friends and family about me, made me her beneficiary in the likeliness of her untimely demise, and is now talking marriage, children, and where we’re going to live once we’ve retired.

I’ve tried to tell her that she’s moving way too fast and that I very much enjoy my bachelor life, but that doesn’t seem to be getting through her thick skull. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want anything more to do with her than a quick “What’s up?” on somebody’s instant message chat service.

How can I dump this chick without breaking her heart?

HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP

Dear HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP,

BREAK UPIt sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into one fine mess. Should I bother to pinpoint where you made your mistakes? You slept with her already; you’ve entertained her love lust for you; and you’ve kept her around even though you told her you like to roll as a bachelor.

You’re giving her the impression as though there’s still some hope for her delusional ass. As long as you continue to pretend to be interested she’s going to continue to actually be interested.

Sadly, judging by the way you’ve described how she’s latched on to your nuts, it doesn’t look like you’re going to make a clean break from ol’ gal. You have one of three options here.

  1. Tell her the truth. “Bish, Ion’t want you!” Wait. That may be too harsh. “I’m not interested. It’s not me. It’s you.” It still may be a little harsh, but the truth will set you free. Free from this Earth when she runs over your ass with a dune buggy. No matter how you spin it, telling her the truth is going to break her heart because you’ll be telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Let me just warn you now to watch out for the water works. No man is safe from a woman when she begins to cry.
  2. Pick an argument with her. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about. It could be over the smallest, dumbest thing you can think of. Tell her you hate the way her hairy knees feel when they brush up against the back of your legs when you two lay in bed together. Whatever excuse you come up with, though, be sure to make a big, ignorant deal out of it. The key to this trick is to make her out to be the bad guy [tell her she should be whipped with a bag of nickels for having hairy knees]. And no matter what she says or does, do not let her accept the blame for the argument…or shave her knees. You want her knees to stay hairy in the event she traps some other dude after you and he needs a good excuse to dump her ass.
  3. Be a real man and disappear into the wind. Cut off all communication her; text, phone, email, messenger pigeon, foam cups and string, miming – the whole 9.

There’s not going to be an easy way to get out of this so you should probably expect to come out with a few scars. If you’re still standing in the end though with all of your body parts intact, and are still single to boot, then the battle was worth the fight!

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Dear Hottywood,

I recently started dating a double-plus-sized stripper. The worst part is not that she’s a stripper; or that she’s plus-sized. The worst part is that I’m more concerned about what other people think (or will think) about me dating an overweight exotic dancer. My girlfriend loves cheeseburgers and stripper poles. I want to say “so what,” because I care about her, but I also care about what other people think [about us, or me for my choice in dating her]. Am I wrong? Should I end this relationship before my worries condemn it?

Eye of the Beholder

Dear Eye of the Beholder,

My GirlYou should end the relationship not because of the fact that your girlfriend has a passion for a double dose of calories; nor for the fact that she spins her extra baby fat around a skinny pole. You need to take some time out to tap into your own confidence and self-consciousness before you let your insecurities hurt her feelings, which can also lead to bitter anger. And if she’s as plus-sized as you make her sound, if I were you I’d be more afraid of her sitting on me and breaking every bone in my body; or afraid of her beating you with a stale biscuit – something you clearly think she shouldn’t have or don’t need.

It sounds like you need a little time to figure out who you are so you don’t worry about how others perceive you. Never mind how others perceive you. What about how she perceives you when she finds out how insecure you are about her? More over; never mind how she perceives you. Your writing to me implies you are questioning your perception of yourself.

You’re looking at the size of her g-string instead of the size of her heart. If you don’t get a grip on maturity and the reality of love, your only thrill will continue to come from broads you buy your time from at the nudey bar, and soon you’ll be left broke and lonely.

If she’s confident enough to take her clothes off to show her fat rolls to a room full of people, then she doesn’t need to be, or deserve to be, for that matter, with someone whose security ranking on a scale of 1-100 is no greater than the average size of a shoe.

You should also keep in mind that no one is perfect. So before you pinpoint her flaws, look in the mirror and count the number of imperfections you may have that could possibly warrant her to write to me in question of how she should deal with your defects.

Good luck with this one, pal.

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Dear Hottywood,

I hooked up with a guy about three weeks ago; and though we haven’t bumped uglies since, he’s been back to my house almost every night since we got together. I think I like him and I don’t mean to/want to push the issue, but is there a reason why he hasn’t or doesn’t want to have relations with me [anymore]?

Just Curious,

Dear Just Curious,

Relax sweetheart. He keeps coming back so you must be doing something right. If ol’ boy hasn’t tried to smash after already hitting it and is still coming back to visit you (almost every night after three weeks nonetheless), then he’s probably digging you more than just wanting to dig in to you. It sounds like you’re on a path down Relationship Road. Trust me, if he wasn’t interested in you or is/was only interested in your Victoria’s Secrets, you’d know. Take my advice and don’t phuck things up by worrying about why you’re not getting phucked. That stress will phuck you over every time. Sit back, enjoy the ride and see where things go.

Congratulations and good luck on your new journey.

P.S., make sure you keep your refrigerator stocked with beer.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been in a dating slump lately. With that said, my ex (we broke up eight months ago) whom I thought I loved, has “seemingly” come back into the picture – not surprisingly with one thing in mind. When he returned to my life, the first thing he wanted to discuss was sex but knowing I’m not that type of girl he chose to talk about our failed relationship. We had an extensive text conversation followed by a face-to-face conversation which resulted in him blaming me for the demise of our relationship (for lack of better word, because it sure as hell wasn’t a relationship). When I saw that things were going nowhere, I decided to give in and have just sex with him, not for his sake but for the sake of my own needs. I’m not shocked that I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m kind of in my feelings and don’t know why. Can you shed some light on why I can’t let go of what was never there?

Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally

Dear Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally,

It’s evident that you still harbor feelings for this fool and yet you are letting him make a fool out of you. Let me start off by saying that if your ex (or anyone for that matter) insists on holding on to his pride, ego or excuses instead of holding on to you, it’s time to let go.

You didn’t indicate exactly why your relationship failed but rather he blamed you for the demise, yet he returned for some ass (???). Can we say RED FLAG? I would have suggested you not give in to him, but I totally understand having needs. Everyone has needs and need to get laid from time to time.

Here is your reality check, though:  If you saw no successful result at the end of the texted or face-to-face conversation about your past relationship, then you wasted your fingertip strength, your breath and your time; if you gave up the booty and he hasn’t responded to you afterwards in any way, shape or form, and you still can’t see where he’s coming from, then you need a piano to fall on your head. Trust me. You don’t want that. It hurts; if you slept with him simply to satisfy your needs then maybe you ought to be satisfied with that. Stop putting your eggs in his basket. He doesn’t want your eggs. He wants your basket.

You’re probably holding on to something that isn’t or never was there simply because you want it but don’t have it [right now] or [think you] can’t get it. But the truth is you can have everything you want if you don’t act pressed, foolish or blind – especially not for him. You can probably do better. You probably should hold out for better. You should probably tell yourself that you deserve better. You’ll probably get something or someone better once you believe and accept there’s something better out there for you. Once you accept that then his BS will be just as much of a joke as you are to him. In the meantime if you want to phuck him to satisfy your sexual desires then may I suggest you learn how to separate your emotional feelings from your physical?

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

My husband is an addict. He isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. His case is much worse. He’s addicted to donuts. Glazed; chocolate glazed; powdered; jelly-filled; cream-filled. If it’s soft baked with a hole in the middle or something juicy enough to ooze out onto his lips, he can’t resist it. 

I’m worried the sugary deliciousness will eventually destroy his waistline. Is there anything I can do to calm his desire to consume the bready goodness? 

Sincerely, 

The Wife of a Skinny Fat Man 

Dear Wife of a Skinny Fat Man,

Hooked on DonutsI’m going to speak on your husband’s behalf and tell you to back off a little bit. In today’s society, men have enough “stuff” to deal with (like making sure the wife is always happy even at his own expense, for instance). I know you may be worried about his eating habits, but unless your husband is at risk of falling into a diabetic coma, a few million donuts won’t hurt anything except your bed springs, which I’m sure are already getting a workout when he hits your skins.

Telling him what he can/can’t/should/shouldn’t eat will eventually translate to nagging and that always puts a damper on communication and the relationship as a whole – slowly but surely. Once he feels you are nagging him, if he doesn’t eventually tell you to shut up and go away he’s going to ignore you all together. Trust me; that will be more of a strain on your relationship than his donut consumption.

Does he tell you when you can/can’t buy shoes? Does he tell you that you shouldn’t have a headache when he wants to have sex with you? Does he tell you that you can’t have chocolate when you’re PMSing? If he did tell you these things, 9 times out of 10 your response would be, “Chile, please!”

Flip the script and put yourself in his shoes and not in his pants (let him wear the pants in the family). Think about how it makes him feel when you tell him what he can and can’t do. Ask yourself, “Would you rather him to be addicted to donuts or drugs and alcohol or sex with other women?” The more you tell him not to eat donuts, the more he’s going to eat out of spite – and soon your name will be THE WIFE OF A FAT FAT MAN.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve unknowingly been having relations with someone who failed to mention to me he’s in a relationship. I found out on Facebook. Should I be in my feelings? 

Vanessa Del Rio

Dear Vanessa,

Other WomanIf I were you I’d feel some kind of way, too. Morally speaking, it shouldn’t feel great to phuck another woman’s man. That would make you look like a bit of a whore bag and would be a justifiable reason (in the other woman’s eyes) to get your ass whooped [by his girlfriend] when she finds out (keyword: WHEN). If homeboy has been digging into you and his girlfriend, that would imply that he has no respect for either one of you, and leaves you to wonder how many other chicks he’s banging. You should be mad about that. You should also be a little scared and quick to get yourself checked out. Dial 1-800-CLEANMEUPQUICK.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but the next time you screw someone who has a Facebook page, do a little research. It’s not stalking if you’re going to drop your panties for him anyway. Most people post their whole lives on Facebook, so in his eyes he probably didn’t think he was keeping any secrets from you. Like a lot of men do, he just didn’t tell you his full story. Surprisingly you didn’t check. But I bet you learned a lesson, didn’t you?

Cut your sexual ties with this dude, at least until he gets dumped by his girlfriend, or to put it nicely – unhitched. He’s either going to get dumped or he’s going to get tired of pretending to be faithful while he boinks you and whomever else he’s openly phucking in secret. If he’s a great lay you don’t want to lose his contact for good. If he’s a lousy lay, you have nothing to lose but your pride.

If it’ll make you feel better, do it to him one last time. I mean do it so good that you put his ass in a coma. Then when you hear him snoring for at least 20 minutes uninterrupted, put hot wax on his eyebrows or instant hair removal and let ‘er rip! He might attack you afterwards but mentally and/or emotionally you’ll feel better. Physically you’ll be in a lot of pain if he catches you, but you can’t blame that on me. I can only solve one problem at a time.

Good luck!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

The last two weeks have been extremely challenging. Everything happened that I thought was unthinkable. I got slapped in the face by people with no hands and kicked so much until my knees fell off, cutting me down to size. I’m usually the person that people turn to for guidance or just a general good time. But now that I’m in a dark place, no one wants to be bothered. Outside of reading your Hottywood Helps funnies, what can I do to get myself out of my funk? 

Who Can I Run To 

Dear Who Can I Run To,

No TimeI have to admit, being a man self-proclaimed to have all the answers for everyone (but myself at times) is easier than it looks/sounds. Since you’ve come to the right place I’ll let you in on this little secret; when you have no one else to turn to or no other place to run and hide, the best place to find comfort isn’t just in the bible, it’s inside the pages of a bad celebrity gossip magazine – preferably InTouch or Life & Style. It’s always nice to read about people who make waaaaaaaay more money than you, date hotter people, live in nicer homes, and drive better cars, and are feeling just as crappy, if not worse, than you are. That lets you know that even greater, more popular, and often untouchable people are just as normal and miserable as, well…you.

Find yourself a hobby, like making bracelets out of a box of Cheerios cereal. The creative distraction will take your mind off your troubles and will also help you to realize that it’s time to change your situation when you’ve been reduced to making bracelets made out of some dry ass cereal (it also tastes great!).

As for your peeps that don’t want to be bothered when you’re down and out…wave that delicious bracelet in their face(s) – all two of them – and be the first to yell, “No greedies!” They may think you’re being funny but in that moment, you will have made someone laugh while bringing joy to yourself, knowing that you are serious as shit.

Let me know how things turn out for you.

_________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood, 

Some new neighbors moved into my building about two weeks ago and they are proving themselves to be unruly. Between the weed smoking and the night time fights, they are driving me crazy. Before I call the police, do you have any suggestions for me to get them to calm down? 

Gladys Kravitz

Dear Gladys,

Loud NeighborsI have to be straight up with you and say there isn’t much you can do legally to get your neighbors to tone it down outside of calling the police and complaining. You could knock on their door and ask them kindly to shut the phuck up, but depending on where you live and the type of neighbors they are, that would be a disaster waiting to happen.

It should come as no surprise that I have a million ideas running through my mind that will answer your question. None of which I’d recommend aloud in front of anyone that carries a badge, a gun or a 2×4, however I promise they’d all work in your favor. Instead of listing those ideas here, click on this link to see where my head is.

Man vs. Wild: The Rise and Fall of the Nuisance Neighbor

If all else fails, start a neighborhood watch in your neighborhood and convince every participating member to stand outside of your neighbors’ door while carrying pitch forks and burning torches (if you bake the members of the neighborhood watch group some weed-laced muffins, you can get them to do anything you want). Maybe you can scare some sense into those nuisance neighbors of yours. You may want to stand in back of the crowd, though, so they won’t recognize you. If they notice you’re a part of the angry mob, they just may wait for you to come home late one night ready to beat the hell out of you.

In the meantime, beating them at their own game would be my first and last suggestion before calling the police. Not only is it personally satisfying and could possibly earn you a lot of street cred (or could make you the center of a bunch of neighborhood gossip), it’s a lot more fun!

Good luck.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I have absolutely no energy today. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything all weekend. Now in addition to me having no energy, enthusiasm or motivation, I have the Monday blues. I’m grouchy and I don’t want anyone to talk to me even less than I want to speak to anyone else. Do you have any suggestions for a pick-me-up? 

Slave to the Weekend,

Dear Slave to the Weekend,

Considering you just told me that you sat on your ass all weekend, telling you to slow down from a busy lifestyle to get a proper amount of rest is out the window. Besides eating properly (inhaling fewer double bacon cheeseburgers), hydrating (excluding root beer floats and malt liquor beers) and exercising (jack rabbit sex does not fall into this category…this time), sleeping should do the trick to boost your energy.

But if the rest you’ve gotten from doing nothing all weekend hasn’t motivated you to be an active member of society; if you’ve eaten only half of a cheeseburger, a quarter less of a root beer float and had sex with yourself by yourself, and you’re still tired, chances are your lack of energy comes from you being lazy. And if that’s the case, increasing your energy levels must begin with you wanting to do something more than wasting space.

Here are a few practical suggestions for you:

Do interesting things.

Find something interesting to do with your time like making fun of people whose socks don’t match the rest of their outfit. You’ll find that laughter is a natural recharge for most Earthlings.

Music is always a good way to re-energize yourself provided you aren’t deaf. If you’re deaf, you obviously can’t hear any music and therefore this suggestion is of no use to you.

Read more HottywoodHelps.com (shameless plug).

Reduce Stress.

You’d be surprised how much cleaning up your clutter (especially your house/bedroom and negative, pointless and/or stupid people in your life) will zap your psyche and pull you to your feet.

Spend less time pretending to care about things you don’t care about like listening to someone actually answer your question when you robotically ask, “How are you doing today?”

Take frequent bubble baths and showers (or bird baths in public restrooms – however you keep your ass clean) in order to keep your body from carrying heavy amounts of filth build-up. Being dirty is hard work and hard work is a proven fact of making anyone tired [or lazy].

Exercise.

Have a lot of sex with a lot of people; preferably random people that you don’t know. Not only will it boost your energy; it will boost your ego. It’ll also boost your chances of contracting an STD, but hey – you can’t win ‘em all.

Tell the Chinese carryout cooks to increase the number of shrimp they put in your egg rolls. If your egg rolls are heavier, you’ll have a stronger chance of increasing your muscle mass, particularly your six pack one pack stomach muscle.

If none of these suggestions help your case then you are a lost cause and there’s nothing I, nor anyone else, can do for you.

Best of luck.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

My pal calls or texts me nearly a hundred times a day with some cockamamie story about him being victimized in some way. The bottom line is he is a chronic complainer. What can I do to make him stop?

Sign,

Hear No Evil See No Evil

Dear Hear No Evil See No Evil,

Get Over YourselfUnfortunately the only way to get him to chill with the complaints is to sew his lips shut with barbed wire – although that might run the risk of you sitting the rest of your life out in an electric chair, which coincidentally is your next option.

Sadly, most chronic complainers don’t view themselves as complainers at all. They believe what they are doing is sharing entertaining stories with you. And since you listen, they find no reason to stop. You’re going to have to be truthful with him and kick him in the throattell him he’s depressing the shit out of youtell him he’s sucking the air out of his own existence and yours, too; tell him he needs to learn how to appreciate the happier things in life.  You should be warned though that anything you do or say will cause him to think you don’t want to hear about his gripes. And even though you don’t, he’ll take it much more harshly than the pain of being kicked in the throat.

Being truthful by telling him that he’s not exactly a ray of sunshine will be nothing more than a waste of your time and the pin that pops the balloon of your friendship. You can top his victimizing stories with your own, but that takes more effort than what’s it worth. You can saw your ears off with a fingernail file, but ears make a person so much more appealing. You can drown yourself in a pitcher of water, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me. I’ve tried.

I’ll tell you what you should do. Build a carbon copy of yourself out of Popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. He’ll be so consumed in himself that he won’t realize that you’re more bored stiff than usual. He’ll keep going on and on and on and the reaction that he doesn’t get out of you will easily be mistaken for your overwhelming interest in his less than interesting story. Problem solved!

No need to thank me. Hottywood Helps! It’s what I do.

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Dear Hottywood, 

Is it true that it’s bad luck for a cat to walk across your path? 

Superstitiously Superstitious

Dear Superstitiously Superstitious,

Black Cat Bad LuckIt all depends on where you come from.

If you’re from the hills of Hottywood, a black cat that crosses your path is only bad luck if you’re walking or driving blindfolded and on the other side of the cat is a mountain cliff and a 100ft drop to your doom.

If you’re from Great Britain, black cats are seen as lucky and are often given in token form to brides. It’d probably be considered bad luck for the bride though if she’s allergic to cats or the people that gives them as tokens.

If you’re from Japan, black cats are considered good luck. In fact it’s said that [in Japan] if a woman has a black cat she will have many suitors. I don’t know how lucky that woman would be if she were a dominant lesbian and has sworn off men for the rest of her days.

In Western history, black cats have often been looked upon as a symbol of evil omens, specifically being suspected of being the familiars of witches. Apparently no one in Western history has ever seen Bewitched or Charmed. In contrast, some considered it lucky that both shows went off the air. Here, the luck depends on the person questioning it…and TV ratings.

The luck of cats also depends on the direction of the path the cat crosses…or if you’re cross-eyed and can’t tell the difference between one side from another. In Germany, some believe that black cats crossing a person’s path from left to right is a bad omen. But from right to left, the cat is granting favorable times. Why not just scotch-tape two baby kittens to your ankles? The balance of luck will offset good vs. evil. Wait, maybe not. Those kittens might use your ankles as scratching posts. Call me crazy but that doesn’t sound much like good luck.

Okay, so the answers that I’ve given in response to your question seems to lean towards the side of bad luck, however anything can be considered back luck if you don’t put barbeque sauce on it first. Life is what you make of it, not what someone else makes of it for you.

If I haven’t answered your question satisfactorily, allow a giant black panther to cross your path and report back to me what happened. If I hear from you, then that means you ran and got away; and he didn’t catch, scratch and eat you. All the world will automatically know that you’re lucky to be alive.

If I don’t hear from you again, well…question answered.

Hottywood

Let me tell you a little story: 

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Anonymous, was riding his four-wheeled 10-speed bike (he has training wheels) when he saw a black cat nearly crossing his path. Instead of swerving to get out of the path, he decided to run over the cat and kill any chances of bad luck. That choice was a bad decision. 

Anonymous ran over the cat who by the way didn’t die but rather laughed at him. The front wheel of his bike exploded instantly causing him to lose control. He swerved speedily and ran over the legs of a beer guzzling homeless man. Unsurprisingly he flew off the bike and landed on an elderly woman, thus knocking her hip out of place. The bike ended up on the other side of the street atop a state trooper’s squad car. 

laughing cat

Anonymous was arrested for reckless driving, driving while under the influence (the homeless man’s beer spilled all over Anonymous’ “I Live for Luck” t-shirt), and was hit with a $5000 fine for premeditated animal cruelty. His bike was impounded and he’s still in litigation with the elderly woman and the homeless man who are both suing him for medical expenses.   

Was the situation a result of good luck unraveling or his own undoing?

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Dear Hottywood, 

Without going too much into detail about a story regarding someone that chose to learn a lesson the hard way instead of listening to my advice, my general question to you is “what’s a nice way to tell someone, ‘I told you so’?” 

Kierra 

Dear Kierra,

In all honesty, no one likes to be told “I told you so” so no matter how you say it, the person you’re saying it to will want to pour old hot dog water on you.

I was raised to believe that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t  say anything at all. And since saying “I told you so” isn’t such a nice thing to hear (it obviously must not be such a nice thing to say either), the nicest way to say it is to laugh at the person hysterically. Laughing will make you feel good and no one can get mad at you for not saying those three little words that may get you punched.

Alternatively you can say “I told you so” like this:

“Te lo dije”. ~ Spanish

“Je vous l’avais bien dit.” ~ French

“لقد قلت لكم ذلك”. ~ Arabic

“Én megmondtam.” ~ Hungarian

“Te l’avevo detto.” ~ Italian

“私はあなたに言った。” ~ Japanese

“我告訴過你了。” ~ Chineseor

“I oldtay ouyay osay.” ~ Pig Latin

If you can’t pronounce any of these languages then stick with laughing and pray you never have to go to them for advice, because if you do they may purposely steer you wrong in high hopes of laughing at your ass in the end.

If however you choose not to follow my advice and wind up being laughed at or doused with hot dog water, I will not hesitate to tell you I TOLD YOU SO.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

A couple of days ago my friendship ended with a very close friend over some random girl he just started dating. After meeting her and getting to know a bit about her, it was easy to determine she wasn’t a good fit for him. When I told him he could do better, he responded by telling me if I can’t deal with his relationship(s), then I can take a hike. Naturally his words didn’t sit well with me so I decided to take him up on his suggestion. Now I’m wondering if I jumped the gun. What do you think? 

Short Fuse

Dear Short Fuse,

I gotta tell you I think this is one of those moments where you would have been better off minding your own business. I’m sure your intentions were good (even though the road to hell is paved with good intentions), but I’m curious to know what gave you the right to stick your nose in his relationship. I bet he’s wondering the same thing.

You probably offended him by questioning his judgment on this girl. Maybe you overstepped your bounds by questioning his relationship at all. It’s possible you made yourself sound jealous. Whatever the reason for your $.02, it sounds like you offered (or forced on) him an unwarranted piece of advice that he would have been fine without.

If you’re wondering whether or not you jumped the gun, walk a mile in his shoes and think about what your response would be if someone were to ask you why you’re wearing a pair of shoes that doesn’t look good on your feet.

Hottywood

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QUESTION: How do you respond to that awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you?”

AwkwardA friend of mine posted an interesting comment on Facebook the other day that really got me thinking. It was along the lines of “That awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you.”” Though it isn’t a traditional Ask Hottywood question, I have to ask myself is there a proper way of breaking the silence when you can’t say what the other person is waiting to hear?

If I were to answer myself, I’d say “Self…,” because that’s what I call myself. “There isn’t a proper way of telling anyone that you aren’t vibing with them the way they see in their mind. You’re damned if you respond and damned if you don’t.

Think about it. If you reply with an insincere “I love you,” you’d be a big fat liar and stuck with faking an emotion for someone you’d probably cheat on later down the line. If you reply with “Um, thanks…,” “You do?” “Really?” or “What a coincidence; I love me, too,” you are admitting that you’d rather pull your tongue out of your mouth rather than say those three little words that you don’t mean. Having no response at all is no different than changing the subject. While you may be able to fake the funk in that person’s company, if you don’t respond to their heart-felt gut spilling, you are blatantly admitting to leading them on – at least that’s the way they’d see it. Most likely they are going to wonder why you spend enough time with them to allow them to fall in love with you if you don’t feel the same way. Soon after they are likely to deem you a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games. On the bright side, though, if you’re lucky they’ll retract their “I love you” and opt never to speak to you again. When that happens you can rebut by calling them selfish, but you’d still be pinned with the label of being a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games.

Face it. This is a battle you can’t win.

I guess if you feel someone getting ready to profess their love for you, and you can’t counter the words, your best option would be to French kiss them long and hard, and by “long” I mean forever because once that kiss is over you’re back at square one. Another option would be to clock them over the head with a crystal vase, but you’d have one hell of a mess to clean up, not to mention a restraining order, pending you don’t get your ass beat to death for clobbering someone over the head (of course after they wake up from their coma). Or you could run for the hills with your hands waving in the air like a normal crazy person. Your choices are limited, but it beats standing there with a dumb look on your face as you ask yourself, “How am I going to get out of this one?”

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Dear Hottywood,  

I haven’t seen my girlfriend in the last four and a half weeks. We may communicate possibly twice a day – if I’m lucky. Once around 8am, when she knows I’m on the subway, where my phone can’t get reception and at night, and again any time between 11pm-12pm, when I’m asleep. She also doesn’t respond to my text messages. When I ask her about her sudden disappearance, she always only responds, “There’s so much going on right now.” I don’t know if it’s just me but that doesn’t sound like a concrete answer. I guess it’s pretty obvious that my question to you is in regards to my wondering if I should worry or assume my relationship is over. Could she have just lost interest and doesn’t want to tell me? Could she be dating someone else? 

In the Dust 

Dear In the Dust,

It’s kind of hard to say what the reason is for your girlfriend pulling a Casper on you. But I can say one thing for certain: PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THEY WANT. If she isn’t making time for you or your relationship after a month’s passing, you already know what needs to be done. I don’t think you need me to tell you that you’ve been left in the dust. I think you’re seeking confirmation that what your gut is telling you is true – the wench is over it and she’s too chicken shit to tell you straight up.

My advice to you is to cut the knot at the end of your rope and stop hanging on. Whether she’s seeing someone else or just plain ol’ doesn’t want to be bothered with you any more, four and a half weeks is enough time for you to stop whining and get over her. What’s the point of wanting someone that blatantly doesn’t want you back? It makes you look kind of desperate, and desperation doesn’t match any pair of shoes.

*On the bright side, usually after breaking up with someone, once the wound has healed and the dust has settled, if and when you see that person again you notice all of their flaws.

When you see ol’ girl the next time, hopefully you’ll have found someone way hotter than she is. Then you can ask yourself what the hell you were thinking when you let her carry you for all those weeks. And if you’re really lucky (or pray hard enough) – she’ll be single and lonely, her ankles will have swollen and her breasts will have dropped to her knee caps. That’s when she’ll tell you she misses you and asks if you’d be willing to give it another go.

So even though you may not be feeling the greatest right now, at least you’ll have something to look forward to.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I met this guy on an online sex site. We hooked up. It was okay. I pretty much only connected with him to get over my ex (getting over an old lover with a new one). Now this guy seems to have caught feelings and tries to see me all the time (meaning every day). Do I tell him I’m not emotionally interested in him or just cut him off cold turkey? 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

One Night StandThis is a tough call, and truthfully you are really the only one that can answer this question. If you met dude on a hookup site, chances are he connected with you with an intention to merely screw your brains out. Somewhere along the line something caught his attention. Either you were more attractive than he anticipated; you were too nice; you indulged in actual conversation; or your sex was too good. Whatever the reason for his shift in manner it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that you two didn’t set boundaries before bumping pelvises.

Usually online jump-offs are all about one thing. If you had a conversation with him before showcasing your unmentionables, you could have eluded that you were looking for something a little more than a phuck. If he’s attracted to the way you look, you can’t help the beauty that God blessed you with. Realize your own worth of splendor and find a better quality of suitors offline. It’ll mean more to you and it’s a hell of a lot safer. If your sex was that good, don’t make any excuses for that. Pat yourself on the back.

Whatever you decide, whether you cut him off completely or break his heart by telling him you aren’t feeling him emotionally, you don’t want to burn any bridges. Every [single] person needs a jump-off in their life. It’s good for exercise and a cure-all for mood swings so I’d probably advise against foregoing that. Although before you carve that advice in stone, remember that you can meet another jump-off online (if that’s the way you prefer to go) just the way you met the guy you’re referencing now.

If you don’t want to confront him with the truth that all you’re interested in is what he has inside his underoos, then your best bet is to train him by action rather than words. Call him when you want it. You set the boundaries, the days, the times and the conditions. Understand though that as a man, being the follower in a sexual relationship is not going to sit well with him very long. …well, again if your sex is that good you hold all the cards. When it comes to a piece of ass, most men are weak.

Keep in mind that the same way you met him online, he can meet someone else who will be foolish enough to let him hit it and invade their space any time he damn well wishes, leaving you lonely and horny.

You have to ask yourself two questions before making your final decision. Will a booty call satisfy your heart or your loins? Which one of those is more important to you?

…or you can just tell him you’re pregnant. 

[See why the Booty Call Agreement is so important.]

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I got in trouble at work for getting caught stealing paper towels out of the bathroom [to use at home]. I don’t see why I should buy paper towels when I can get them at work for free. Is there a way I can get myself out of this trouble? 

Hamburgler

Dear Hamburgler,

I totally understand your logic in stocking up on free paper towels. After all, who’s gonna miss a few hundred sheets of paper towels from a public private office building, right? WRONG! Your ass just proved that you can’t get away with the simplest shit. One could argue that you are a thief. One could argue that you are cheap. One could argue that you’re crazy for not stealing something more valuable than some damn paper towels. Some scissors or a Scotch tape dispenser, I can understand. At any rate, I only point out these facts because if you were stealing the paper towels in the first place, you pretty much understood you were doing something wrong. You can’t gain from a consequence if you don’t know or understand what you’ve done wrong or why it’s wrong.

Having gotten than out of the way, you’ve come to the right place to squeeze yourself out of this jam.

Here are my recommendations:

Having coming fresh off a holiday season (Christmas and New Years), you can always tell your accusing party that you left your sanity in the year 2012.

You can tell the accusing party that you are donating paper goods to an orphanage of midgets or a homeless shelter for persons with no arms and no hands, on behalf of your employment agency…or potentially your former employment agency.

You can tell the accusing party that you flooded the bathroom in another part of the building and you need(ed) the paper towels to clean up your mess. However in order to get away with that bold face lie, you’d have to be able to get to that particular bathroom and pee all over the floor before it’s been investigated for truthful proof.

You can tell the accusing party that you sweat a lot when faced with unrealistic deadlines, high volumes of office related phone calls, and co-workers that fart silently as they walk pass your desk.

You can tell the accusing party that you have cramps (if you’re a man, man cramps) and have an un-Godly discharge coming from a very personal place of your body. If they ask you to show it to them [for proof], you can sue them for sexual harassment.

You can tell the accusing party that free or stolen paper towels is intertwined with your religion. If they challenge that, they are discriminating against your religion. And everyone knows d-i-s-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n spells lawsuit.

You can tell the accusing party that your cat is dying and that his last wish is to die on top of a bed of paper towels sponsored by an office facility. If they don’t believe that, they have no heart and their nipples will fall off. And you don’t want to work for anyone with no heart or no nipples.

In the end, the next time you decide to steal something, steal something you can sell on a corner, in a parking lot or at a pawn shop otherwise don’t waste your time. Stealing paper towels doesn’t exactly earn you street cred.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I’m a little worried about a friend of mine. He’s been depressed lately. He’s been putting up a good front, as if he’s getting over his depression, but the part that scares me is that he says in recent days he’s been having dreams that’s he’s been killing people. Should I be scared?

Shaking In My Boots

Dear Shaking In My Boots,

Michael MyersThere’s a part of me that wants to be funny and tell you that you shouldn’t be scared unless he tells you he’s waking up from these dreams with a smile on his face, and then there’s the other part of me that watches the news and sees how crazy people are these days. So in answer to your question, Hell yeah you should be scared!

To be quite honest with you I don’t need (or shouldn’t have) to support my answer with any follow-up comments.

What part of the word “kill” sounds nonthreatening to you? Michael Myers didn’t laugh when he killed all those people in the movie Halloween. And nobody felt safe when he came creeping around with a big ass butcher knife. Maybe the little clown that plays in all in the Saw movies laughed, but those deaths sure as hell weren’t funny. There wasn’t a damn thing funny about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact, I bet if you saw any or all of these movies your ass was scared to go to sleep that night. So what makes you think that you shouldn’t be scared of someone you know personally who is having dreams of slaughtering the living? The fact that he’s telling you about these dreams could be a warning that your ass is first on the list to go.

I’ll tell you one thing, don’t invite me to hang out with you and him because I’d be a scared mofo!

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Dear Hottywood,  

I have a friend that always tells me he wants to screw me, but always asks for my advice in regard to his other female friends (or “hookers” as I like to call them). How should I take that? Should I be offended? I don’t think I’m romantically interested in him, yet I find myself getting jealous over conversations about other girls. 

Darcy

Dear Darcy,

Man is a funny species. Generally, men think so differently than women until we stumble upon a moment or two where we don’t see what we’re doing wrong. Before you pass judgment on old boy, keep that in mind. That old saying “Forgive them Lawd; for they know not what they do” rings true here.

Double_StandardsAs a man, and this may be something you don’t want to hear, I think he’s just being honest with you when he tells you he wants to screw you. He probably does want to screw you – more than likely like a jackhammer to concrete – but is pretty confident that you aren’t going to give up any ass, so his flirting becomes a harmless game. If you’ve turned him down on more than one, two or ten occasions, he simply enjoys flirting with you and toying with the idea of covering you in fried shrimp and pouring ketchup all over your body. It’s a man’s way of saying, “You’re alright with me.”  If I were you, I’d be flattered.

When it comes down to him asking your advice about other women, although I can understand your frustration, consider his logic. You aren’t giving up the cupcakes, are you? You have no intention of giving them up, do you? I mean after all, you did you just say you don’t think you’re romantically interested in him. It sounds to me like you guys are just friends. He can talk to you like one of the boys, although he tells you he appreciates you (or your body) like one of his hoes. This is one of those scenarios where you take that feminine mind of yours and think like a man. Don’t trip.

If you just can’t handle the heat of the kitchen, play him at his own game. Tease him. Flirt with him. And then spend a considerable amount of time bragging over or asking advice about some other dude(s). I promise you nothing will get under his skin more.

Double_Standards_2Sadly, you have to play him at his own game in order for him to see the error of his ways. Does this sound like a double standard? Probably. Because it is. I have no witty supporting comments for the double standard, that’s just the way things are in terms of the way man thinks and the difference in a woman’s perspective on [his] thoughts. Hey…no one said men are a perfect creature.

Be warned though that if you talk about some other dude to him, out of a rage of jealousy, he may either punch you in the mouth or threaten to hunt down and beat up the guy you’re harping over. Either way, he’ll feel the sting of his own stinger. And in no time you will have solved your problem. In the future he will remember how it feels to be jealous over someone else when he considers mentioning his side pieces to you. I can’t promise that he won’t come on to you any more, but if you ask me, when he stops begging to bone you is when you should really worry.

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Dear Hottywood, 

Christmas is coming up and I am admittedly not looking forward to it. This is the first Christmas I will feel like I’m spending alone. I’m at odds with my family and my girlfriend will be out of town. What can I do to make it a festive holiday? 

Giftless Under the Trees

Dear Giftless Under the Tree,

I am so sorry to hear that you’re not looking forward to the Christmas holiday. Christmas is the most joyous time of the year. Understandably for some it isn’t as joyous as it is for others.

My first suggestion to you is to remember that egg nog will comfort you in ways unimaginable (unless you’re lactose intolerant and have magnets on your ass when you go to the bathroom). Another way to make your holiday as festive as can be is to buy yourself a buttload of presents. Specifically things you can’t afford and can pawn when all of your bills are past due and you’ve run out of money to honor your priorities. You can also eat yourself into a frenzy, though it’ll make your bathroom experience extremely explosive, especially when coupled with egg nog. Not to mention put weight on your ass and other places on your body you didn’t think could get fat.

If none of the above suggestions work for you, there’s joy in giving people giftless boxes wrapped in newspapers that were previously lined inside cat litter boxes. Or, comfort in knowing you don’t have to buy a damn thing for the family members you aren’t talking to or the girlfriend that presumably didn’t care enough to invite you to go out of town with her.

If all else fails, use the Christmas holiday to think about just how drunk you’re going to get on New Year’s Eve and Day, just as long as you remember that even though alcohol won’t make you happy, it will help you to better enjoy feeling lousy.

After all that, if you still need a place to hang out for Christmas, I’ll ask around to see if anyone has room for one more leach at their dinner table. I would invite you to my soiree but I already know with all the turkey meat and egg nog you’re going to inhale, you are going to be full of shit. And let’s face it. Everybody knows a visitor is not going to clean the toilet bowl he took a dump in of the house he’s visited.

I hope, if I’ve done nothing else, I was able to put a smile on your face. Remember that smile when you start feeling down come the holiday, or when your ass has been arrested for drunk driving or disorderly conduct. Just don’t mention my name or my suggestions when you have to go to court to plead your case.  Merry Christmas!

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Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been kicking it with this guy for a while. I guess you can call us regular FBs. And I don’t think I want anything more than that. At least I didn’t think so until this morning. While “sexting” one another, he led me to believe he’s been hooking up with someone else. His text specifically read: “I’M HARD JUST THINKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT.” I didn’t see him last night. I want to be angry, offended, and/or turned off but all I really want is sex. 

Telephone Love

Dear Telephone Love,

cakeIf you two are regular FBs and sex is all you want, then expecting him not to have a life outside of you is being greedy. You’re getting what you want from him. He’s getting something out of the deal. Everyone is happy. Since there is no emotional connection between you two, technically he isn’t doing anything wrong if in deed he is actually hooking up with someone else. He’s being casual while you’re putting an invisible label on your “relations[hip].”

Honestly, I really don’t see what your problem is unless you’re confused about whether or not you want to be sexually exclusive. And if that’s the case, what’s holding you back from getting to know what he’s thinking using the head that’s not hiding in his pants? Asking him to bone you and only you is a borderline relationship, anyway. All that’s missing is an emotional investment. If you don’t want to invest time in building on something outside of the bedroom, then you should just take your sexcapade at face value and be glad you’re getting any action at all.

Because you don’t really have a problem here, I’m going to make two recommendations for you: Take a chill pill and/or find yourself a backup FB to prevent your idle mind from wandering onto restricted grounds unrightfully.

Overall it simply sounds as if you need to take some time to think about what it is you want. You’re on a fast track to giving this guy a hard time. If you don’t play your cards right, you’re going to end up being cast as a main character on the hit series “Sexless in the City.”

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’m bored out of my mind. Why is it that [work] days are so much longer than nights?

Pinky

Dear Pinky,

The answer to your question is truly simple. Your days at work go by pretty quickly because, I assume for the most part, you don’t want to be there. You’d rather be out in a heathen-infested night club or bar batting your eyelashes at someone your ass ought to be staying away from. Instead you’re stuck in a building for eight hours, being paid to interact with someone (or a couple of someones) you’d more than likely try to stay away from if your ass was in fact at a bar and your colleagues were drunken party goers.

A lot of people like their job while even more people than a lot hate their job(s). You probably fall under the category of those that like their job. However it isn’t uncommon for people to like their job for a mere few hours and on their own terms, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you fell under the category of those people that like their job [with strings attached]. People that generally ask me why their work days are longer than their evenings tend to like their job as long as they don’t have to take orders, work too hard or stay too long. I like to call those people government employees.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Usually, after the little hand lands on the 10 and the big hand falls on the 12, the clock’s battery runs out, leaving the clock useless and frozen in a time loop of morning gripes and cold coffee. It takes at least seven hours for the clock to start working again. By then you or some other government employee is old and gray and tired. Your feet are sore, your back aches and your mood stinks. But just when you muster up enough energy to lift your eyeballs off the blurry bright computer screen to peer at the seemingly broken clock, it’s 5 o’clock! You gain a sudden burst of energy – just enough to make it through thick evening rush hour traffic to get home, stuff your face with the greasiest dish you can afford from the carryout, shit, shower and crawl into bed with anticipation to run the same hum drum cycle all over again the next day.

Your days are longer than your nights because that’s just the way nature [or Uncle Sam] intended it to be. It’s the American way. And it works the same all over the planet. If you think you’re the only one that has this problem, you’re wrong. And I never tell anyone they’re wrong. Well, almost never. Okay, maybe sometimes. Alright already. Sheesh! I always tell people when they’re wrong but we’re not talking about me, are we?

_________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood,  

I just started messing with this girl. We’ve only been kicking it for a few days but things seem to be going fairly well. I got a text message from an ex who is in town for the day and wants to see me. I want to see her but I don’t want to mess things up with the new girl. What should I do? 

Mr. Player No More

Dear Mr. Player No More,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to follow your heart but I think you would do better listening to your gut. If you think there’s a chance that you could mess things up in your new relationship, then you probably shouldn’t take any chances. Besides, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you shouldn’t put one chick on hold who’s right up your alley to roll with another chick that’s nowhere near or from your neck of the woods.

Now let’s think about this for a minute. Your ex is in town for a day while your new girlfriend resides here. You do the math. You’d be one pissed off so and so if you spent time with your ex and wound up having the worst time ever. Or even worse, ended up screwing her and catching something you wouldn’t have caught had your ass not been trying to be slick. Also, telling your new girlfriend that you’re going to spend time with your ex is a conversation I would seriously advise against. And because you, like most men, would probably not tell her the real reason why you’d be ditching her, you’d most likely get caught up in a lie and wind up ass out and single all over again. That’s when your old ex would forever stop calling while your new ex would vow never to speak to you again.

From one man to another who’s thought with the wrong head – DON’T DO IT!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Can you please tell me why all these damn people keep requesting to friend me on Facebook? I don’t know these people. How do I make them stop? 

Antisocial Networking

Dear Antisocial Networking,

Take a chill pill. You seem pretty upset that people are interested in connecting with you, and there’s no need to be upset. Facebook is a social media network. It isn’t a gang of Jehovah’s Witnesses covering your front lawn on an early Saturday morning.

If you don’t want a bunch of unwarranted people having access to your timeline, all you have to do is decline their friend requests. If that’s soooo much of an effort, delete your Facebook account or just keep your ass off of it. Those are about the best suggestions I can offer you.

Getting mad at someone for wanting to chat with you or see what you’re up to from time to time is kind of an invitation for someone to tell you to get over yourself. If people knew how bothered you were from all of the friend requests, that alone would make them leave you the hell alone. They’d probably think if you’re that uptight over a social media network [that rests on the other side of a computer monitor], you’re probably a complete ass in person.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Within the last few days, I asked a friend of mine for help on a number of projects, both personal and professional. With each inquiry he’s declined my request for help. He told me he didn’t have time to worry about my issues and his too. I’m a little frustrated and even more offended by his response. How should I reply? 

One Man Show, 

Dear One Man Show,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you don’t have a right to be offended. I can understand your being frustrated but being offended is going out on a limb. It’s possible his response could be taken harshly if you don’t have thick skin. Instead of being pissy over old boy telling you “No,” why don’t you try to look at the situation from his point of view?

“Within the last few days I asked a friend…for help on a number of projects, both personal and professional. He told me he didn’t have time to worry about my issues and his too.”

What he’s telling you is that he has a lot on his plate. He either sounds stressed out, overworked and/or simply unable to deal with his load in addition to the number of projectsboth personal and professional that you are asking his help for. He’s not only being honest with you, he’s making you take responsibility for your own shit. You can’t get mad at him for not being able to do for you that which you should be doing for yourself.

Your response to him ought to be “Thank you,” because I’m pretty sure if you had the kahunas to ask him to help you out on a number of projects within the last few days, you asked him because he’s helped you in the past. Don’t get greedy and don’t become complacent in what someone can do or has done for you. Man up and handle your business. While you’re at it, I might also suggest that you don’t burn any bridges. If you needed his help in the past, you never know if and when you’re going to need him again.

If I were you, I’d be satisfied with someone telling me they don’t have time to deal with my issues rather than telling me “F*ck no,” or “F*ck off.” What you need to do now is smile and move on to Plan B.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Since the recent hurricane was perfect weather for a booty call, I decided to step out for a hookup. I went to visit an old flame, which I dated briefly until we broke up (because I was soooo not interested). He on the other hand never lost interest [in me], so I knew hooking up with him was a sure thing. To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting the bus/train service to be suspended. I ended up being stuck with this guy all night. Now he calls and texts me nonstop as if we’re in a relationship. HELP! Make him leave me alone!  

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Before you can make the calls stop, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. You went out with a full intent to mess with a man’s head (no pun intended), and in the end you got stuck with the short end of the stick. I certainly hope you at least got what you wanted. I already know you got more than you bargained for. You ignored his desire to be with you on a higher level than “just” sex just so you could get your rocks off. It sounds to me as if Mother Nature wanted to teach you a lesson. So I guess everyone that was affected by Super Storm Sandy can thank your horniness for loss of power, flooding and a full city shut down.

Now that we’ve both concluded that there are consequences for using your magical powers for personal gain, I can help you with your immediate problem.

If this guy had feelings for you before you rode him into the sunset; you should know that it isn’t going to be easy to get him to stop calling you. You can tell him to stop but that never works. You can threaten him but he might like it. He may perceive your threats as a game of cat and mouse. In his eyes, you wouldn’t have f*cked him if you weren’t interested in him on some level. And some level is better than no level at all.

Here are some ideas for you to consider:

  1. Route your incoming calls to the nearest morgue. There’s no message more clear or permanent than death.
  2. If/When you answer his calls, respond to everything he says in your best handicapped pirate voice. If you can help it, drool out of the corners of your mouth. It’ll make your words much harder to understand.
  3. If/When you answer his calls, make sure you have a bag of corn chips nearby. Crunch in his ear during your entire conversation. If this doesn’t annoy him, it will piss him off and he’ll probably never want to speak to you again. …or he’ll never eat corn chips again.
  4. If/When you answer his calls, bark like a dog or moo like a cow. I don’t know if this will work but I’m sure he’ll think your ass is crazy.

If none of these suggestions work out in your favor, I’m afraid your last resort is to take the highest low road, like any other normal person, and change your name only when he calls. That way when he rings your phone and asks for you, you won’t be lying when you say, “There’s no one here by that name.”

Good luck!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Why is it no one likes to warn a guy when his fly is open? I think I’ve been walking around all day showing my goods.  

Breezy

Dear Breezy,

The reason why no one makes an effort to let a man know when his fly is open is because everyone on the planet is secretly an undercover pervert. That’d be my easy one-liner answer.

In an attempt to boost your ego, I could say that you should be flattered when no one tells you your zipper is down, supporting that comment with a thought that everyone wants to see or is impressed by what you’re working with. But if you allow time to fast forward by just a hare, the dust will settle and the truth will kick in.

Women won’t warn you because they are embarrassed (some women anyway) to let you know they are [blatantly] looking at your crotch. They don’t want to give you the wrong idea or impression about themselves and their [sexual] values.

Men won’t warn you because their masculinity and reputation would be at stake. If a man tells you your fly is open, he will fear you’ll believe he’s been staring at your family jewels and the next thing you know he’ll be convinced you think he’s gay.

The best way to avoid this kind of situation is to use duct tape or staples to keep your pants fastened. You could also trade in your trousers for a medieval jumpsuit of armor. Be warned however that once you are clad in a metal suit, it won’t be quite as easy to whip out your piece and do your business when you have to go number one behind a bush.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

In the past few weeks I have been bombarded with a barrage of phone calls from bill collectors threatening to collect debts. My finances are short and my patience is even shorter. To top it off, my pal (that gets fired from every job and is even poorer than I am) keeps insisting on advising me on how to manage my money. What’s a guy to do?  

Final Notice

Dear Final Notice,

I am a religious man. Though I keep my religious beliefs to myself (or at least restrict myself from sharing unless and until appropriate), I am going to jump out on a limb here and suggest you fall to your ashy knees and pray to the high heavens that it rains quarters for the next forty days and forty nights.

Owing money to creditors is a life normalcy so there really is no trick for you to cope with your debt. If you want to free yourself from financial woes, pay your bills. You could rob a bank but then you’ll have a whole other set of worries to deal with, especially if karma, a police warden or a bald headed cell block inmate has anything to say about it. You could hide under a rock but that’s just as uncomfortable as it sounds. You could avoid paying one bill in order to pay another but then you’ll still be stuck in the same financial bind you’re in now. You could shave all your hair off and change your name to something virtually impossible to pronounce but that won’t resolve anything at all. It’ll just be funny to hear people try to pronounce your name, and still you run the risk of not answering because you’ll forget anyone that calls you by your new name is referring to you. You’ll probably even respond by asking him/her who the fu*k he/she is talking to.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that as long as you refuse to pay your bills, you will be indebted. The financial fall out may not affect you immediately but in the long run your credit will suffer, you’ll never be able to borrow from a bank, your interest rates will be through the roof on anything you attempt to finance, and all of your friends will laugh at you because the only thing you’ll have more than them is collection notices. The only way out of your mess is to pay off your balances. You may be broke while paying them but you can rest easy in the phrase “This too shall pass,” once you convince yourself that you actually believe the phrase.

As far as your broke ass friend advising you on how to manage your money goes, ask him to advise you on how to get fired from a job. His embarrassment should shut him up for a while. If the embarrassment doesn’t quiet him down, your laughing at him will. His employment credibility is screwed, so finding a gainful job will be just as difficult for him as paying off your creditors is for you. Just imagine him passing out flyers at a metro station for his means of living. You know those people. They are the ones that get mad because the people they hand their flyers to are the same people that throw those flyers in the trash. Not only will he have a meaningless job for the rest of his life, but that job will also be in vain.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been having a string of bad luck with women. Getting a date, or even just sex, isn’t a problem. I just can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m constantly running into women that are more interested in settling down with a ‘bad boy,’ which, as luck would have it, I am not. What is wrong with me? Why are women attracted to bad boys?  

Door Number Three

Dear Door Number Three,

You are asking a question most ‘good’ guys have been asking for generations. I’ve had a chance to survey a group of women on this inquiry and my findings have been quite interesting.

It seems that in an attempt to make their women happy, good guys are a lot softer than guys with a bad boy image. That’s not to be confused with sexuality or masculinity. Guys that stand in the public eye as an ideal man to settle down with seemingly go the extra mile to extend the life of their relationships. For example, good guys tend to let their women make most or all of the decisions ranging from what/where to eat, what movies/channels to watch, all the way down to when and how to make love. Though women like to feel included in their relationship(s), they by nature are backseat driving leaders. They run their household, take care of their kids and often times serve as both mother and father.

Women are attracted to bad boys because that untamed image displays a straight to the point assertiveness that most good guys hold back in an effort to please their women. Bad boys tell their women what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They make the rules and decisions and their word is usually final. They omit sappy emotions and often put themselves first. They allow a woman to sit back and be a passenger on the ride of a relationship. Even if and when the ride is bumpy, the woman does not have to take control of the wheel.  Women love nice guys but sometimes being too nice is bad – boring even. They don’t necessarily want a guy to be a jerk. They don’t want him to be a pushover either. They don’t want to be controlled but they sometimes want someone else to take control.

If you’re insistent that your concern is a matter of good guy vs. bad boy, embrace your inner jerk every now and then and see where that leads you. Take off your dress and put on a spine. Don’t ask questions, make statements. Don’t give a choice, make a decision. Tell your lady friend(s) what you want and what you don’t want. Don’t entertain their arguments [all the time]. Don’t drop your hat when they call your name. You might find it surprising that chicks will find that untapped part of you as attractive as the smell of icing on a cake is to a fat kid. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging you to become a just-add-water asshole. I’m only suggesting that you jag your edges a little bit.

Keep in mind though that your problem of settling down with quality women may not necessarily have anything to do with you. You could just be dealing with the wrong [type of] women. If that’s the case find a new place to hang out.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I have a cousin that downs me all time but comes to my aid whenever I call for a quick buck. Just recently he told me if I ask for a loan one more time, he’s going to cut me off. Personally I think he’s being a little selfish. I mean, isn’t that what family is for…helping out each other?  

PayDayLoan

Dear PayDayLoan,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I happen to agree that your cousin should cut you off. Based on what you’re telling me it sounds like you have imposed on his pockets one time too many. I don’t necessarily think he should badmouth you, but if you always have your hand held out, it’s not surprising that he’s tired of your begging, and no common human being (that I know anyway) can keep that kind of annoyance to himself. It sounds to me as if you’re the selfish one because you expect him to support you on the foundation of blood relation.

No man, unless he’s your husband or sugar daddy, should have to support your needs and his. If you’re a woman you could probably skate by a few times. If you’re a man you ought to punch yourself in the stomach. A grown ass man, if he can’t do anything else, ought to be able to take care of himself. If it were me, I’d tell your ass to go out and get a j-o-b so you can learn and appreciate independence. Not to mention keep your hands out of my pocket.

Maybe there’s more to this story that you’re not telling me. Maybe you’re doing something for him that is equivalent to his financial sustainment to/for you. Maybe what you’ve told me is what it is, the beginning and the end. Whatever the deal, he has a right to say “no” when it comes to his money for your needs. Instead of being pissy about it, you should consider doing something to change your circumstances.

I probably didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear but I’m sure I told you something that you needed to hear. In the long run this advice is more valuable than the dollars you can no longer borrow from your cousin. Good luck with that.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’m doing volunteer work at a job that I really love, but my supervisor treats me as if I’m receiving a paycheck every two weeks. What can I do to make her get off my back?  

Volunteer JD127

Dear Volunteer JD127

The easy answer to this question would be to quit…or fold your hands under your armpits and flap them like a duck. Oddly, I seem to be the only person that finds that enjoyable so I have five other suggestions for you:

  1. Tell your boss to back the hell off or else consider the cuss out she has coming as your official letter of resignation! Be careful with that threat though, because if you’re already working for free, your $0 salary won’t be missed.
  2. Show up to work wearing an “I work for peanuts” t-shirt. That’ll send a message out to your supervisor that will imply you are either tired of working for no pay or you’re too cheap, poor, or ignorant to wear more work appropriate clothes.
  3. Walk around the office with a coffee mug and refuse to do any tasks or assignments unless someone drops a coin in the cup (accept nothing smaller than a quarter). NO REFUNDS.
  4. Tell your boss to kiss part of your ass. You don’t want to offend her by telling her to kiss your entire ass so part will do. Particularly the part where the shit comes out.
  5. Lastly, if none of the other suggestions work out in your favor find a new place to render your services. As long as you are working like a dog for a master that’s not giving up a bone, you hold all the power. Trust me. Finding a job to hire you for no pay is probably the easiest thing in the world to do.

If you’re going to be expected to work hard, then money, respect and free lunch should be the first three things on your list of priorities.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I got a text message from an old boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in about six winters) asking me for a “hook up.” When I told him I don’t “hook up” any more, but am rather waiting on a more emotion-based relationship, he told me he doesn’t do relationships any more, but that he could whisper “I love you,” in my ear while we’re doing it.  Should I be offended?

Well I Never

Dear Well I Never,

I hope you don’t hold it against me for laughing hard enough to feel an urge to pee. Did he really tell you he’d whisper he loves you in your ear in return for some yum yum? That’s priceless, bold and pressed. I only hope and pray you didn’t entertain that conversation any longer than it took for him to muster up that bullshit.

I don’t think it’d be worth your time getting upset over your ex. When you think about it, you should be flattered. If you haven’t seen him in [your words] six winters, then you must have whipped something good on him to make him call you out of the blue for any reason, let alone for just sex. Pat yourself on the back.

The fact that he proceeded to proposition you after your telling him your candy factory was temporarily out of business tells me that the only thing he respects about you is your womb. At that point you should have fallen to your knees and prayed that his penis hole locks up every time he goes to the bathroom to do number one.

To put it simply though, all you have to do is respect your differences in opinion in the approach to sexual behavior and rest comfortably in knowing he’s nothing but a ho waiting to welcome the possibility of a disease serious enough to make a vital body part fall off and you’re not.

Being mad or offended over his ignorance gives him unwarranted power over you, not to mention gives you wrinkles. When it comes down to the wire, I wouldn’t blame you for thanking him for reminding you why you two are exes in the first place. Mr. T said it best when he said, “I pity the fool!” because homeboy needs some help. And by “help” I mean “to grow up.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’m sending you this inquiry from work. My sisters keep calling me on my job to talk about family drama that has me weighed down. How can I get them to respect the fact that I can’t take personal calls at work and don’t want to be stressed out with home worries while I’m on government time?  

Blood Thinner

Dear Blood Thinner,

Your answer is simple. Don’t answer the damn phone! If you have caller ID, like most office phones do now-a-days, when you see their number flash on the screen, ignore it. If they call you on your cell phone, don’t pick up. You can simplify this by giving your sisters each a Grim Reaper specialty ringtone. If you have a smart phone, there’s an app both in the Android and Blackberry market that allows you to block certain callers. Look into it. It’s worth the free investment.

If you really want to piss them off, buy a dog whistle and blow it in their ear every time they call you, because I know when they ring your phone the first word that pops into your head is “Bitch!” And a bitch is a female dog. See where I’m going with this?

The bottom line is you don’t have to deal with their drama, especially on your paid (and unpaid) time or on your phone. The word ‘family’ is not synonymous with ‘control’. You shit and piss the same way they do, so their control over you is no greater than yours is over yourself. Deal with them when you want to, not when they want you to. If they can’t handle that it’s their problem not yours, or as some eloquent trashy person would say, “F-ck ‘em!”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been hollering at this girl for the last two weeks. The positive is that she’s a nice girl. A pretty girl. The negative is that since we’ve been talking, all she talks about is sex. Naturally I want to hit it but contrary to what she thinks (or wants) I have more to offer than just di-k. In theory she could very well be the one but I never thought I would have to mould my soul mate. That isn’t gay or anything is it?  

After Hours

Dear After Hours

Not wanting to discuss sex with this chick (or anyone, for that matter) 24/7 doesn’t make you gay. It makes you mature. To be quite honest with you, it’s refreshing to hear from a dude with more than just pu—y on his mind.

I’m not going to tell you that this broad isn’t the perfect one for you, but if you’re in doubt after 14 days, chances are you aren’t too far off the mark. After all, men [and women] know when they’ve met the one after the first date…even more commonly after the first 15 minutes of conversation.

You can either tell her how you feel and give her a chance to discover another kind of conversation other than what she picked up from old Vanessa Del Rio movies or you can bone her and move on. Be warned that if you choose door #2, and the sex turns out to be as good as she anticipates, you will have a whole other problem on your hands so it’s probably best that you have a sit down with her and tell it like it is! As long she continues to wear her vagina on her sleeve, chances are she’s going to have this same problem with the next man in her life. And it’s most likely that the next man won’t have his morals in check like you seemingly do.

If you don’t feel like wasting your breath explaining to her that there’s more to life than lube, rubbers or raw boning, screw her and leave $20 on the nightstand after the deed is done. Maybe she’ll feel cheap enough to re-evaluate her whore-like tendencies. You will have gotten some ass and [presumably, if she doesn’t like the emotionless treatment] she’ll feel too used to call you again. It’s a win/win for you provided she doesn’t pass some kind of an STD on. That’s the chance you’ll take for following the instinct of the head in your pants versus the one on your shoulders.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

Not too long ago I got myself wrapped up in a financial bind. I turned to my family for help – I’m still determining if that was a good idea or not. Since turning to them all of my business has been circulating amongst the family circuit. I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it. What should I do?  

~Strapped for Cash

Dear Strapped for Cash,

Everyone needs help. I know how stressful it can be to need help and have to deal with petty bullshit on top of the stress you’re already dealing with. But let’s face facts – and these are you words, not mine – “I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it.” You need to swallow either your pride or a big chunk of humble pie and get over yourself long enough to steer clear of this bind you’re tangled up in. Why do I say that?

  1. If all your business is circulating among your family, you’ve nothing to hide. The damage is done.
  2. If your family is helping you get your priorities straight, it shouldn’t matter who’s telling your business. That’s most likely the least of your concerns. If they’re helping you, especially financially, they’ve paid for their right to discuss your affairs. At least that’s the way they see it.
  3. You should be more worried about getting yourself out of your bind than protecting your ego. Own up to the mistake you’ve made then learn from it so you don’t be the same fool twice.
  4. Being adamant about your privacy is going to make you look crazier than the mess you’ve gotten yourself into because you’re putting your focus on a less pressing concern.

Family is going to talk about you. That’s what they do. You need to stand on your head and look at the Kool Aid glass as half full instead of half empty. If they are discussing your business behind your back, who cares? They’ve probably been discussing you before all this mess got started and will continue to do so when it’s all said and done. You’re still getting the help you need right? Suck it up and take the bitter with the street. They’re getting the satisfaction of having some juicy gossip while you’re getting the satisfaction of having someone do for you that which you can’t do for yourself. It may feel unfair but it’s an even trade.

Rest in the comfort of knowing that everyone screws up from time to time and for every good and bad thing that you do, someone has or will do something better or worse. Take a chill pill and relax. Before you know it you’ll be the one talking about someone behind their back. Then the world can revolve around you and everything will be back to normal.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I met the most beautiful girl last week using an online dating service. In the last few days we have really connected – and not just sexually. She spent the night at my house one evening and we just laid in bed (naked) and talked, even though I did try to bump uglies. Since then though, she’s asked me to give her a photograph of myself to show to her mother. She also popped up at my house unannounced [while I was sleep]. When I didn’t answer the door, she fondled with the [door] lock and windows until she found my patio door unlocked. When I woke up from my sleep she was standing next to my bed. Should I be worried or flattered by her persistence?  

Tied Down by a Ball and Chain

Dear Tied Down by a Ball and Chain,

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to conduct their social life. Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t meddle in anyone’s personal affairs, unless of course I’m invited to do so. Your inquiry is my formal invitation. But because I know how delicate the heart is I won’t scare you off. It sounds like you have a woman in your life that is quite capable of scaring the crap out of you with no help needed.

It goes without saying that meeting anyone on the internet is risky, although there is no one sure way to find guaranteed true love. If I do nothing else I wish you the best of luck in love. I also wish that you’d go somewhere to get your head examined because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this whole scenario sounds like a trip to the emergency room (or coroner’s office) waiting to happen.

If I were you I’d begin by investing a little time to investigate this chick. If only after a few days she’s ready and willing to introduce you to her mama, you should probably put on a pair of specs and see the red flag waving before your eyes. You have no reason to meet her family until you’ve stuck around long enough to know that she’s the one for you. You being the one for her is one thing, but before you can shackle your hip to hers, you need to look out for yourself first. If she’s ready to bring you home to her family after approximately 168 days, that’s a clear sign that her elevator may not reach the roof and there are no brakes to keep it from crashing to the bottom floor. Presumably that’s not enough of a warning sign for you. Otherwise you would have saved the ink in your pen from penning this question, so let’s delve a little deeper.

Her showing up at your house unannounced is a number one rule breaker for anyone who demands respect for privacy. Her entering your house without your knowledge is illegal, not to mention bold, dangerous and crazy. That act alone questions her respect for your privacy. What if you were in the house boning some other chick? You probably wouldn’t have any balls to bone anyone else today because there would be a strong possibility that she’d own them and have them stored in a jar on a top shelf in a closet in a shed hidden in the woods.

My word of advice to you is to:

A)    Leave this crazy bitch alone. She has two strikes against her in one week. The third strike may not leave you so lucky.

B)     Investigate her background before you go any further. …while you still can. These four words should motivate you: Kathy Bates in “Misery.”

C)    Be honest with her and tell her that her psychotic actions are scaring the shit out of you. Then duck and cover or run for your life because no one likes to be called crazy, especially a crazy person!

D)    Tell her not to pull any more stunts like this unless she’s expecting a cap in her ass, then buy yourself a shotgun, a crossbow or a canon.

In case I’ve given you too much to chew on for your simple question, you should not be flattered by the actions of this woman. If she found you attractive, I’m sure some other woman will, too. Perhaps one that will not break into your house and hover over your bed while watching you silently as you sleep. You should, my friend, be worried. In fact I’m worried for you. If you need a place to crash and hide while she’s out hunting you like Elmer Fudd hunts Bugs Bunny, don’t call me. That’s not to say I don’t have your back because I do. I just have it from afar. Way, way afar!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I was recently released from prison (on charges I wish not to discuss). Even though I spoke with members of my family to request help getting out of lock down, when I finally got released at 3:15 in the morning, none of my family/friends were at the precinct to greet my regained freedom or take me home. I ended up walking 45 minutes to the nearest train station and waiting an hour for metro rail to open. Do I have a right be mad that no one was there for me in my time of need?   

JailBird212

Dear JailBird212,

Because I know what it’s like to sit on the internal side of a jail cell (shh, that’s our little secret), I won’t give you a hard way to go. Also because you opt not to discuss your incarceration charges, the first thing that comes to my mind is murder, and I rather enjoy the land of the living so I’m going to watch what I say in hopes that you don’t track me down and kill me.

Let the truth be told, you have no reason to be mad at anyone for not showing up at the time of your release. Reasons being:

  1. Assumingly, they were not with you when you did whatever you did to get locked up.
  2. Assumingly, they were not with you when you got caught.
  3. Anyone that knows anything about suspect processing [of any kind] knows that the entire process takes a minimum of 9 hours, if you’re lucky. Who the hell would wait a day sitting in uncomfortable seats, surrounded by men with guns to find out if and/or when you are going to be released from jail for a crime you shouldn’t have committed in the first place?

Honestly, you need to shift the focus of your priorities and drop this “I/Me” crap. After being released from the big house, everyone around you is going to look at you differently – like a crook. You should be more concerned about what you need to do to A) keep your ass out of trouble and B) paint a more positive image of yourself to those people around you, specifically and especially your family.

The bottom line is that you can’t be mad at anyone else for not making your problems their own. You don’t get mad at anyone else when you miss the toilet seat do you? Or when you fall in? Or when your deodorant fails? This case is no different, especially in the sense that a cellblock smells as shitty as funky underarms and exactly the same as a pissy toilet – you know, with that one toilet bowl inside the holding cell that’s shared with the number of criminals that were picked up around or at the same time as you.

My advice to you is to get over yourself and get your issues in order. And I mean that out of love and fear – fear that you’ll come looking for my ass because I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, which I might add, you should be used to by now. Because I know you heard a lot of stuff you didn’t want to hear while you were in the pen. In fact, you probably heard everything except Jesus saying, “I told you so.”

Good luck and play it safe!

~Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

A good friend of mine finds herself comfortable enough to tell me all the details of her personal life with her boyfriend. What she doesn’t know is that I used to be attracted to her myself, which is why I once found it difficult to stomach her intimate stories. Now that I’ve accepted the fact that she and I will never share an intimate relationship of our own, I’m finding it more and more difficult to listen to her rant about her man. How can I tell her to stop without hurting her feelings or damaging our friendship?  

Mr. All Choked Up

Dear Mr. All Choked Up,

I have to warn you that telling anyone [especially a woman who is stuck in her emotions] to stop doing anything they feel comfortable doing never goes over well. Before you can fathom doing anything at all, you should slap yourself on the forehead for allowing her to grab you by the balls and pulling you into her girl talk. What’d you expect?

It’s common knowledge that when men discuss the intimacies of their relationships, the conversation is usually revolved around locker room brag chat or smash points accumulation. When women discuss the intimacies of their relationships, bragging whether to a full extent or partial, plays a key role in the purpose behind their conversation. But when a woman discusses her relationships with another man, it’s just plain pointless and often times wrong, only unless she’s seeking advice from a man’s point of view. Even still, it wears thin.  No man…hell, nobody for that matter wants to hear about the goings on of what a couple does behind closed doors, especially if they have no stories to respond with in comparison. The words, “I don’t give a f***!” comes to mind. Unfortunately because women are typically much more sensitive than men, there is no nice way to tell your girl to put a sock in it. Your options are limited, pal. Sorry.

Option 1:

Tell her the truth – You just don’t want to hear it. Be warned that she may think you’re cold, jealous, rude, mean, inconsiderate, or unfeeling and she’ll eventually never tell you another damn thing for as long as you live. Even if you have a booger hanging out of your nose or your fly is open. In this case it’s true that the truth will set you free – free from all your listening annoyances, and quite possibly free from the friendship all together.

Option 2:

Tune her out and imagine her naked. This rule doesn’t only apply to public speaking. Tuning out anyone is the best way to keep from freaking out, cursing out, crying out, or passing out. You may want to be careful though. If you once had feelings for this mamasita it wouldn’t be surprising to get a woody while imagining her naked. If you’re standing face to face with her, speaking with your head instead of your mouth stands to get you in a lot more trouble than it’s worth. She may feel uncomfortable talking to you any more because she’ll view you as a spotted horny toad. She’ll think you want to bone her. And if she’s as hung up on her man as you imply, she’ll tell him about your boner and he’ll no doubt be on the hunt to whoop your ass the first chance he gets.

Option 3:

Always have a story that will outdo hers even if you have to make it up. This may or may not work. Women find it exhilarating to discuss the behavior of other women. They’ll even take your actions and reactions to the stories you tell and use them against you. Option #3 could paint a negative and/or positive image of you in your girl’s eyes. Your stories may either annoy her or drive her to revel in the delight of her own relationship even more. It’s usually a 50/50 chance when trying to outdo a woman in a discussion over matters of the heart. I would only suggest using Option #3 if she breaks up with her boyfriend. Once she’s single the last thing she’s going to want to do is listen to the summaries of your hookups because it’ll remind her of just how single she is. Sadly though, she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how you feel about listening to her pleasurable details. Is this a double standard? Yes. But what can you do? You’re a man. You’re supposed to be able to handle it.

Option 4:

Dive head first into a 16oz bottle of Deer Park water and drown yourself. The good news about this option is that when it’s all said and done you’ll be dead so you won’t have to explain the reason behind your suicide and you’ll no longer be around to hear ol’ girl talk about her relationship. It’s a win/win!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

My roommate is lazy, greedy and messy. He doesn’t cook, clean or buy groceries. I can’t afford to put him out but I’m coming dangerously close to slipping an eviction notice under his bedroom door. Any advice on what I should do? 

Chazz

Dear Chazz,

Some would josh you and refer to your troubling inquiry as a perfect reason to live by yourself. Since those persons are nothing more than nosey jackasses that hold no rights over your affairs, I am going to join you in raising my voice to tell those meddling folks to mind their own damn business.

Before you do anything or nothing else at all you have to sit down with your roommate and tell him just how trifling he is. After and only after you’ve voiced your concerns should you take dirty matters into your own hands and force to him to live within the confines of your expectations.

The first thing you want to do is stock your cupboards with nothing but cornflakes. Doing so will save you loads of money in groceries and will undoubtedly knock off any unnecessary weight gained from winter seasons or stress eating. You’d be surprised at the number of ways there are to prepare cornflakes.  Whether baked, fried, sautéed, or barbequed, I guarantee your roommate will think you’ve either lost your job or your mind.  If you’re not big on cornflakes, a second option would be to replace all of the meat in the house with parakeet treats.  Unless your roommate is a giant greedy bird, guilt, anger, frustration or starvation will compel him to pick up the slack with the groceries, even if that means buying and cooking only his own food and leaving you to fend for yourself.

Since he refuses to clean up, you may have to remind him why it is important to do so. I always say “I can show you better than I can tell you,” and that’s exactly the advice I’m extending to you today. When he’s out of the house doing whatever it is he does while you’re doing all of the things he doesn’t do at home, scoop a stray cat up from the streets and rub its hair all over your roomie’s pillows. This act will hold more weight if he’s allergic to cats. In fact take it a step further and rub the cat against everything in the house except for whatever is in your room. Your roommate will have no other choice but to clean up the entire house or die from the allergy attacks.

No shared living arrangement is as easy as television makes it look. Sometimes feeling comfortable in the home you share with another requires a little effort. Luckily for you and anyone trapped in a situation similar to yours 90% of any effort is getting started. And if that’s not enough there’s always solace in knowing Hottywood Helps!

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Dear Hottywood,

Lately my friends (if that’s what you want to call them) have been giving me a lot of flack for going to restaurants alone.  Does that make me look pathetic?  

Entourage

Dear Entourage,

Eating alone in public doesn’t make you look pathetic. It just makes you look as if you have no friends, which is only pathetic if in fact you have no friends.

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone – especially if you have a bunch of voices in your head to keep you company. Instead of looking at the loneliness of eating at a table for one, look on the bright side. There’s more food for you; you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s unwashed hands dipping onto your plate; and you don’t have to pretend to care about a meaningless, pointless, and uninteresting conversation, which in turn gives you more time to count the number of times you chew your food. And if these aren’t enough reasons to keep your confidence up while all the partnered up peeps are staring at you dine by yourself, keep in mind that your friends may be giving you a lot of flack because they’re either too cheap or too poor to go out to eat with you.

PS, if you need someone to go out to eat with you, just give me a call.  YOU pay and I’ll pick-pocket someone for the tip!  Deal?

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

This passed weekend I went on a date with a guy that I knew was a loser. To be completely honest with you, I was horny and thought I could get my battery jumped. The problem with the date was there weren’t any sparks and as a result I didn’t get laid. Still, when I showed up to work this morning he was waiting in front of my office with a dozen long stemmed roses, which to me makes him look a little too eager and totally creeps me out. Is there a nice way to tell him to drop dead?   

Ten Thousand Mile Warranty

Dear Ten Thousand Mile Warranty,

There is no nice way to tell anyone to drop dead [unless you say “Please,” or “Simon Says,”] but let’s be honest. If you want [to tell] someone to drop dead, how nice do you really want to be? No one will take your request for demise seriously if you say it with a smile. Being nice is what brought his creepy ass to your office with a dozen thorn adorned roses, presumably because your niceness led him to believe something that was not, is not or will never be.

Here are a few suggestions for dumping your zero once and for all.

First rule of thumb: Don’t give him enough respect to dismiss him face-to-face. If he was sweet enough to bring you flowers after a sour date, he’s probably bitter enough to punch you in the face for doing a tropical rain dance all over his shattered little heart, which may not be all bad. You can always take out a restraining order against him if things get physical. Keep in mind though that when things get that far it becomes more of a chore to look at the negative as a positive, especially if you have one or two black eyes.

  1. Give him the kiss of death in a text message filled with ebonic slang and unrecognizable acronyms like “CMAAIFYBWEE” which means “Call Me Again and I’ll Fill Your Bed with Electric Eels.
  2. Sending a smoke signal is a good way to get your point across, but only after you’ve set fire to some of his personal property.

The first two suggestions probably aren’t as nice as you’d like, given your specific inquiry, so the last option may digest a little better than the others.

  1. Send him a singing telegram telling him that you smelled his man parts through his jeans and that the stench turned you off more than the date itself.

If he still chases after you after any one of the three suggested options, call Pookie and ‘em to launch a trash bag full of tennis balls one at a time through his bedroom window during odd hours of the night. Make sure those tennis balls are covered in fingernail glue so that he’ll cut the palms of his hands (from the broken window glass) when he reaches to pick them up. If that doesn’t do the trick, nothing will.

Be sure to let me know how things work out for you!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I have been stuck at a dead end job for about 10 years. I make just enough money to pay my bills each month, but that is about it. Every now and then I moonlight as a personal assistant to a few indie artists, but am scared to venture out and do it full time. But lately I have been feeling like I am caught between a dream and a job. Any advice for me? 

Caught Up…

Dear Caught Up…,

Delving into any unfamiliar territory is about as simple as ice skating while wearing a pair of roller skates.  Even though it may not be easy, it’s not completely impossible. All it takes is a little imagination, determination and a lot of butt pads.  The good news is falling on your ass will make you appreciate standing on your feet.  I graduated from a school of the arts and got the highest degree possible from the school of life. What my educators taught me is that if you can visualize it, you can bring it to fruition.

You’d be a fool to quit a stable job for something that isn’t yet promised.  Though some may call you a weirdo, now is the perfect opportunity to tie your bathrobe around your neck and call it a cape.

Picture it:  By day you are a drone paid to push papers for a company that recognizes your last name based on an employee identification number.  By night you are a superhero that goes beyond the call of duty to please, promote and assist indie artists.

Until you are able to establish yourself as a full time personal assistant to the stars, you are going to have to live a double life for a while, which means more work for you.  You need to keep that dead end job in order to support the little things like keeping the cable on, feeding the goldfish and making sure you can afford to keep your unmentionables washed. While you’re at work performing the necessities of keeping the president of the I Don’t Want To Be Here Club happy, take note of the process of business so that you are equipped with the knowledge you need to treat yourself like a business.  In all of the moments you have of doing nothing when your day job has smashed against a mountain of down time, use that time to do your research for the work you really want to do. You want to know the ins, the outs, the ups, the downs, the rights, the wrongs, the maybes and the maybe nots of what it is you’d rather be doing instead of what it is you’re doing now.  Once you’ve gathered the information that you need, start building your clientele. Let your work speak for itself.  Experience is a good teacher. You’re going to make a few mistakes in the beginning but that’s natural. Those mistakes are necessary so that you don’t fuck up in the end. Finally, promote yourself. Nobody knows you and what you’re capable of better than you. Once you put your name out there, it won’t be so simple to turn around with your tail caught between your legs.

Success doesn’t come overnight unless you win the lottery and happen to be a farmer living somewhere in a rural part of Oregon, so you’re going to have to be patient.  If you want something bad enough, the only way you’re going to get it is to go get it. But in order to get it your desire for success has to be stronger than your fear of failure.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

This week I confided in a friend about a personal issue I’m dealing with. Sadly that friend used the consultation as an opportunity to bring up painful memories of my past. Her choice of words implicated some very hurtful things about me. Though I don’t fully believe her intentions were malicious, they were quite inappropriate and inconsiderate. How should I address this? 

Unforgiveable

Dear Unforgiveable,

We, as humans, have an unconscious uncanny ability to stick our foot in our mouth. The best thing you can do is to tell your friend that she said some shit foul enough to make your butt itch.  Let her know that her words were hurtful and that you didn’t appreciate them and that if she ever forms her lips to say anything remotely ridiculous to you again, you’ll climb to the top of a 100-story building like King Kong and drop a ziploc bag full of frozen bacon grease on her head.

Once you’ve gotten the vengeful violent streak out of your system (or have been released from jail – whichever comes first) use this scenario as an example and reminder to either keep your issues to yourself or confide in someone that won’t judge your [past] mistakes.  No one can make you feel like some shit over the shit you’ve done if you don’t give them shit to reminisce about.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been a member of a small church for a number of years. Recently one of my deepest, darkest secrets was exposed and circulated among the congregation. I am so humiliated that I’m considering changing my membership. Would you recommend I do that?    

Skeletons Out of the Closet

Dear Skeletons Out of the Closet,

HELL NO! You shouldn’t change your membership! There are two groups of people on the face of the planet that can ruffle a tail feather more than any other group: family members and church members.  If you’ve been a member of your church for a number of years then you should know first hand that the church house is full of holy-fied heathens and well-dressed short fallers.

You don’t go to church for the sake of anyone else [unless of course you’ve just been released from prison and are forced to live in your grandmother’s basement with the sole stipulation that you take your criminal butt to church to thank Jesus for letting you out of your cellblock before your fully tatted boyfriend finally got tired of your fresh meat and passed you around to all the other inmates inside and outside of that block].  And though you go to fellowship with those of like-minded spirits, the first reason that you go to church is to commune with the main man himself, JC and develop your relationship with Him. The next is to confess your sins and lay your burdens down. The last thing you should be concerned about is any fraudulent sanctified soul stirrer that is more concerned with stirring up trouble and exposing your transgressions than they are with saving their butts from burning in an eternal pit of fire.

Every church, including yours, no doubt, has a Deaconess Church Gossip, or Deacon Ned Wino, or Sister Midnight Creep, a Brother DL, a reformed pimp, prostitute, thief, ex-con, woman beater, and/or a habitual liar.  I say that to remind you that you are not the only one that has fallen short [in your church]. In fact, all are born into sin and no one sin is any greater than another, well…with the exception of skinless fried chicken wings.  There is no salvation for that!

Since you are too clean in heart to curse your hypocritical holy rollers like the devil, to ease your troubled mind, refer to your bible beginning with Malachi 4:1-3.  It states:

(1) The LORD Almighty says, “The day of judgment is coming, burning like a furnace. The arrogant and the wicked will be burned up like straw on that day. They will be consumed like a tree – roots and all. (2) “But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture. (3) On the day when I act, you will tread upon the wicked as if they were dust under your feet,” says the LORD Almighty.

Those members that seem so amused by your tainted past will have a price to pay come judgment day, and while you are standing on the other side of the pearly gates upon streets paved with gold, they will be preparing to bungee jump into the devil’s layer with no ropes, no nets, and no water to quench their thirst after their un-stealthy arrival in Tartarus.

With that said, let the people of the church say, “Ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

Now that the weather is changing, my quiet little street is slowly turning into a playground for all of the area kids and street thugs.  Do you have any suggestions that will help to keep my neighborhood quiet and peaceful?   

Young Old Spinster

Dear Young Old Spinster,

In a matter of a few short weeks, every neighborhood across the nation that harbors youth ages 21 and under (and/or people eager to relive their youth) will be flooded with scantily clad females, tatted hip-hop wanna-bes and rejects, Bébé’s kids, hustlers, crackheads and police officers.  The cold chill of illustrated seasonal relationships and calorie-collecting potato chips will soon be a thing of the past as the warm weather brings out the best of the worst in people, including their [inconsiderate] volume control and other unwarranted ways.  It’s a sign that summer is coming! It’s all a part of nature and no one can fight Mother Nature.  With that said, I offer you this advice:

(1) Move.  Contrary to what you may or may not have been told, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about the seasonal noisemakers.

(2) Purchase a pair of earplugs.  Nine times out of ten this will not work, but in this kind of situation you may be lucky enough to convince yourself that the world around you has suddenly fallen on a ‘Mute’ button or you’ve gone completely deaf for the passing of a few seasons.  Just be careful what you ask for.  If you don’t want to hear other people they probably don’t want to hear you either, especially when it matters most [to you].

(3) Hang outside of your window to report all of the guilty culprits to the local authorities.  This will only work if the local authorities aren’t contributing to the noise. In my old neighborhood residents had to report the police to the police because they were just as guilty as everyone else for disturbing the peace.  Also, by keeping your head poked outside of the window, you run the risk of being branded as the nosey neighbor that nobody likes; the neighbor that has his/her car egged at least once a week; or the neighbor that gets mugged every time they take out the trash.

(4) Be petty and purchase padded acoustical panels, foam insulation, spray-on insulation, or add an extra ½ inch of dry wall to absorb sound from the outside. In the end though, you’ll have to ask yourself if all the extra work and money spent will pay off if a hungry pitbull somehow gets into your home and mauls you, and no one on the outside hears your terrorizing screams for help.  Remember what I said in advice number two – “Be careful what you ask for…”

(5) Finally, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!  Take your ass outside to see all the fun you’re missing. I’m pretty sure all the hype isn’t just about rowdy teenagers, sex, drugs and who knows what else.

All in all, the people outside that are seemingly disturbing the peace are all outside doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing and that’s annoying the hell out of everyone that isn’t outside with them.  If they were in your house making all of that noise, the first thing you’d probably do is tell them to get out, right?  You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I figured only you would appreciate my horrendous Valentine’s Day experience.  After rekindling communication with a past love, I decided to spend Valentine’s Day with her.  She invited me over to her place for a romantic dinner, good conversation, and what I hoped would be an overall great evening, even more so if we just happened to trip up and fall in between the sheets.  When I arrived to her house, she didn’t tell me that her father would be home spending Valentine’s Day with his two online hookups.  We all shared a horribly dry baked chicken, undercooked string beans and unsweetened lemonade.  Since that unforgettable evening, she keeps calling and texting to invite me to spend more time with her.  Is this something I should even consider? 

Worst Valentine’s Day in 29 Years

Dear Worst Valentine’s Day in 29 Years,

I don’t know if I’m more sorry to hear that you hated your day of love or that I wasn’t there to laugh at the sh*t myself.  It sounds like it was pretty rough.  …funny but rough nonetheless.

Let the truth be told that you have no reason or need to feel compelled to do anything that your heart is obviously set against.  However despite the facts that whomever cooked the dinner is a lousy cook, the gigolo father cocked blocked what the chick shouldn’t have been trying to give up on the first date [anyway], and that she didn’t warn you that your date would be chaperoned, you probably wouldn’t have been doing anything else anyway except sitting at home getting fat off beer and cold pizza (Dominoes never delivers within 30 minutes or less) while dialing every number in your little black book in hopes that someone would be just as bored and lonely as you could have been had this girl not invited you over for dinner with her, her dad and his hooker hookups.

Instead of looking at the glass as half empty, look at it from a different perspective.  You weren’t by yourself, you weren’t bored (you couldn’t have been with all of the shenanigans that took place around you) and you didn’t have to spend any money (with the exception of the unused condoms you probably bought thinking you were going to get laid).

If you saw no sparks with this girl, or didn’t enjoy her company (or the company of her dad and his dates), or liked her cooking, or were simply disappointed that you couldn’t split her cheeks, then you don’t have to give her any more of your time than you are willing to give, although there’s no reason why you can’t maintain the re-established friendship.  Fate brought her back into your life for a reason.  Before you can figure out what that reason is you have to determine what your intentions are for her.  If you just want a hookup, obviously she’s not the one because that ain’t gonna happen, especially with her old man in the next room getting tag teamed by two broads he met off the internet.

In a short answer to your question, I don’t see why you can’t consider investing a little time in a new old friendship.  Everyone needs friends.  If you don’t want anything more from her other than the transparency of a good lay or don’t see anything evolving based on your Valentine’s Day episode, then just be honest with her and tell her what you do and don’t want, can and can’t handle or can and can’t offer.  Otherwise do what any respectable coward would do and block all her calls forever and hope you never run into her at the grocery store, because if you do you’re going to look more like a ham than any meat in the meat aisle.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I met a guy on Thursday and slept with him on Friday and one week later, have not heard from him.  Is it [as bad as I’m told] that I slept with him on the first date?   

Deep Sheets

Dear Deep Sheets,

While it is highly recommended that you don’t open up the garage door for the first car willing to pull in, the answer to this question really depends on two things: who you ask and their personal code of ethics.

Most women would tell you it’s not so good to sleep around on the first date because it makes you look easy.  Of course when I say “easy” I’m being delicate with my words.  The majority of women [that I know] would use alternative words like “skankish,” “classless,” “whorish,” “slutty,” and “desperate.”  Those same women would question the amount of respect you have for yourself and your body.  Because I have no breasts or a uterus I don’t exactly feel the same way.  As far as I’m concerned, women have the same sexual needs and/or desires that men have.  Unfortunately, society views female bed hoppers differently than men.  To question someone’s amount of self respect is speculation, and personal morality aside no one has a right to label you based on the freedom of your loins.  That’s your pu**y and you can give it up to anyone you want to.  However from a man’s perspective, I wouldn’t advise any woman to lay up with a dude so quickly if she expects anything more out of the relationship beyond bedroom walls.

The short answer to your question, in my honest opinion, is that you should keep your legs closed if you expect a guy to see you in your purest light.  Most guys are not going to turn down the booty no matter when you decide to give it up.  Whatever the case you must be careful not to confuse his thinking from the head on his shoulders with the head in his pants, especially in this day and age.  In the heat of the moment no man is going to stop and question you about your integrity.  Once you take it all off the only thing he’s going to see is a flashing “WELCOME” sign hovering over a big ass vagina.  And after he’s banged your back out and has driven off into the sunset, he’s going to question who else and how many others have painted your walls, leaving your ivory snowflakes to melt in wet crimson red stains.  He may not even necessarily view you as all of the above mentioned labels but he will also not see you as potential “wife” material because you, in a matter of moments, took on the role of the “other” woman rather than the woman to settle down with.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Not all men will scratch you off the list because of your invasive approach to sexual fulfillment.  There are cases where you don’t get the morning after call because the connection – sexual or mental – wasn’t there.

Next time, before you jump the gun and jump in the sack with the first guy you think is sexy enough to jump your bones, you need to evaluate both you and him.  Determine what your intent is first and get a feel for where his head is (no pun intended).  You may be surprised to learn that sex has nothing to do with why he hasn’t called you, which if you ask me is a harder pill to swallow than being too easy too soon.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

After working at my job for almost 10 years, I’ve been informed via email that my job may be in jeopardy due to budget restraints.  I’ve sacrificed a lot for this company and have often been considered an essential employee [especially during freak snow blizzards and unrealistic slave labored work hours].  I am seriously in my feelings!  Do you have any suggestions on how to get the upper hand on this situation?   

Out of Pocket

Dear Out of Pocket,

First and foremost you need to pray.  You need to pray for clarity, sanity, and eventual peace of mind.  The reasoning for your job’s demise sounds exceptional and common.  When any job comes to an end, especially when it’s not by your choice, feelings are bound to get involved. Your frustration is understandable but the truth of the matter is there ain’t a damn thing you can do about your company’s finances so there’s no need to settle in your rippled emotions.

The cliché side of my personality urges me to tell you that everything happens for a reason, and that this is probably a blessing in disguise that should, can or eventually will motivate you to find a gig more suitable to you and your needs.

On the other hand, the psychotic side of my personality pushes me to whisper a song of hope in your ear.  Hope that your job’s bathroom toilets will all clog at the same time until the commode water rises high enough to drown all the fuse boxes and electrical sockets, inevitably causing the building to explode like a gigantic 4th of July fireworks show.   You could also drive your car into the side wall of the outer exterior of the building, but after doing so you’d better run like the wind because not only will you be out of a job, you’ll be sitting in a jail cell with a bald-headed bank robber that hasn’t had sex in about six years.  Personally I think dealing with someone taking your job is an easier pill to swallow than someone taking your ass, but that’s just me.  When you look at it in that respect things don’t seem quite as bad, do they?

“Today is the tomorrow you hoped for yesterday.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been trying to get the guy that lives across the courtyard to come over so we can bump uglies.  But every time I tell him what I want to do to him with my tongue, he gives me the cold brush.  What am I doing wrong?  

Elleesha

Dear Elleesha,

I’m almost sorry you asked me this question because the only nice thing I can think of to tell you is that you’re coming off too strong.  If the dude isn’t trying to hit it then you probably went a little too far when you told him what you wanted to do to him with your tongue.

Though everyone wants to take a rumble in the sack every now and again, when you go too far into detail about your skankiny inhibition, it’s easy to wonder who else you’re relinquishing your virtue to.  You’ve painted a bad picture of yourself.  You’ve given the conclusion of the book before he could get through the foreword and introduction.  You’ve given him nothing to look forward to.  He doesn’t have to chase you because you’ve already offered yourself up.  You’ve taken the fun out of the romp.  You have objectified him the same way most women complain about men objectifying them.  It’s too late to tell you to change your approach because you’ve already subconsciously made him question your self respect and self worth.  I’m surprised you can still walk because you shot your own self in the foot.  What you need to do is let the dust settle where it may.  If the dude is turning down the yum yum, he’s either married, gay, or just not interested in you.

If you’re still not sure about what it is you’re doing wrong, go back and re-read the second sentence of your inquiry and then give yourself three reasons why you believe he [or anyone else] should take you seriously.

I’m going to pray for you because it sounds like the only man you need right now is Jesus!   Good luck with that.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

Last week I went on a disastrous blind date with a guy my mother set me up with.  My mother has the worst taste in men…just ask my dad.  Anyway, at the end of the night, I thanked him and politely told him I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.  Seemingly that went in one ear and out of the other.  Now I can’t get rid of him.  If he’s not calling, he’s texting.  What can I do to make him stop?  Please help! 

Ejection Seat

Dear Ejection Seat,

Blind dates are the worst because you never know what you’re getting in to.  For starters, you should begin by thanking your mother with a basket of outdated prunes.  That’ll keep her in the bathroom long enough to think about how she’s ruined your social life, although with good intent, I’m sure.

It sounds to me as if this guy is a borderline stalker, and getting rid of stalkers is no easy feat.  Fortunately for you, you’ve come to the right place.  The simple answer to your question would be to run for the hills or take a bazooka and blow the jerk to smithereens, but let’s be honest, when it comes to people who live in a fantasy world nothing is as simple as a bazooka.

Before you can come to a conclusion of how to get rid of this joker, you must first determine what kind of a social nuisance he is.  Because I don’t know any more details than what you’ve explained, I’m going to list five types of nuisances – aka, stalkers – and try my best to give you the soundest advice on getting him to understand the concept of taking a hike.

Ready?  Here we go.

If the guy is a Rejected Stalker, you may have your hands full.

The Rejected Stalker is the most common persistent and intrusive of all stalkers.  This person is obsessed with someone who is a former romantic partner or friend.  Depending on the responses of the victim, his goals will vary as he struggles with the complex desire for reconciliation.   He will try to guilt, trick, or force you back into his life to avoid termination of a relationship.

SOLUTION:  Clothe yourself in a gasoline-doused protective suit of armor.  FedEx yourself to his home, gift-wrapped preferably.  As he unwraps the package, light a match or tiki torch.  The protective armor should protect you from the explosion itself.  You’ll just have to deal with the burn marks from the scorching hot metal against your skin.  As long you as you can deal with a little bit of physical pain and melted flesh, you will be pleased with the result of this instant bug-a-boo be gone!

If the dude is an Intimacy Seeker…well, okay…your hands will be just as full as they’d be if he were a rejected stalker.

The Intimacy Seeker is a person who seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with his victim. To him, the victim is someone he  is meant to be with.  He’s usually delusional enough to believe the victim is in love with him, which is also known as an act of erotomania (more on that later).  He may interpret any kind of response from the victim as encouragement, even if negative.  An intimacy seeker may write letters, send gifts, call, txt or email his victims. He believes the victim owes him love in return for all he has invested in stalking them. After the rejected stalker, the intimacy seeker is the most persistent type of stalker.  He’s usually unresponsive to the clear and basic “GET LOST” tricks and gimmicks, viewing them as challenges to overcome and persist in demonstrating love for his victim even more relentlessly.

SOLUTION:  Destroying the intimacy seeker is easier said than done.  Even if you were lucky enough blow him to kingdom come as you would a rejected stalker, you must be a bit more persistent in your riddance of him by taking his remains and tossing them over a huge waterfall on a tropical island somewhere far off the coast of Bermuda, ensuring that the waters of that waterfall lead to an underground world of renegade sharks. It’s not an easy task, but it’s not totally impossible and definitely worth the hassle.

If your nuisance is an Incompetent Suitor, you can get your point across in your sleep.

The Incompetent Suitor desires a romantic or intimate relationship with his victim but is impaired in his own social and courting skills.  This type of stalker may be very narcissistic and cut off from his victim’s feelings (lack of empathy).  He believes that anyone should be attracted to him. Typically, he will repeatedly ask for dates even after being rejected.  He may attempt physical contact,  becoming nothing more than an annoyance most equivalent to the common cold or high intolerance for dairy, but remains as harmless as a bee sting.  The incompetent suitor is less persistent than others, and likely to have stalked numerous others in the past, now or soon adding you to his long list of rejecters.

SOLUTION: This nuisance is harmless and will quickly stop stalking you once you drop an army of baby red ants down his shorts.

If the guy is an Erotomaniac you’re in trouble.

This malevolent being believes his victim is in love with him.  He is convinced of this falsity even though the victim has done nothing to suggest it is true.  The Erotomaniac reinterprets what his victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union.  He may suffer from acute paranoia, and typically chooses victims of higher social status.  In a nutshell the mothereffer is crazy and you probably don’t want to get on his bad side.

SOLUTION:  Unfortunately, without psychological treatment, this stalker is likely to continue bugging the sh*t out of you.  Instead of aiming a crossbow at him, turn it on yourself and let ‘er rip!  Putting yourself out of misery is the only way to escape the torture.

If ole boy is a Cyber Stalker, sky-writing is the answer to all of your problems.

Cyber Stalking is an extension of the physical act of stalking however the behavior is delivered through electronic mediums, such as the Internet and/or cell phones.  Someone who is physically stalking an individual may employ cyber stalking as another means to pursue, harass, or force contact.  Or, cyber stalking may be the sole means of surveillance and pursuit of the victim.  Don’t think that just because a cyber stalker haunts you only through intranet, ethernet and other communicative avenues, that his behavior is not any less distressing.

SOLUTION: Post an automatic death threat to all forms of your electronic devices.  Be very clear and angry in order to get your point across.  If you need any assistance, here’s an example:

“Dear [Cyber Stalker], if you contact me one more time I am personally going to reach my hands through your screen and shove your face inside the nearest garbage disposal.” 

See how easy that was? Quick, clear and to the point.

Quick Tips on How to Get Rid of a Stalker:

Communicate to your stalker that their attention is unwelcomed.  Relay this message once, and only once. Better yet, have someone else do it for you.  It’s not being cowardly really; it’s simply diverting your problem on to someone else.  For this instance, pass the task on to someone you care about only a smidge more than you do your stalker. From then on, sever all communication with the perpetrator as long as they are stalking you or are breathing.

If you suspect that the stalking may be a threat to your physical safety then surround yourself with flesh eating squirrels.  Keep a fresh supply of raw meat juice and pine nuts to spray on your transgressor, ensuring to keep the squirrels hungrily attracted to the enemy.

If the suggestions above are too radical:

  • Change your patterns — stop returning all messages, paint your walls black and keep the window shades duct taped to the walls.
  • Use caller ID to screen all unwanted calls.
  • Customize your ringtone to the Grimm Reaper theme song each time your stalker calls you.
  • If the stalker is overly persistent in contacting you, set booby traps! Spikes, silver bullets and unshaved private parts work best.

I hope this helps!  Good luck.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I was recently contacted by an old flame, soon after learning she schemed her way back into my life (scheming, in terms of lying to and manipulating people to give her my number).  The actions of this flame is not the behavior that I remember.  Part of me is intrigued by the re-acquaintance while another part is skeptical.  Any advice? 

WTH 

Dear WTH,

This is a clear cut case of “Run for the Hills!”  You can’t base a relationship on a person you once knew, especially if you’ve been given confirmation of that person’s morph into someone else.  When you heard the words “lying” and “manipulating,” that should’ve been an instant red flag.  There’s no need to invite even the slightest possibility of those signs of trouble into your life.  Having said that, if there is any part of you that is skeptical about any person, place or thing, it’s usually codename for a “gut feeling” or “intuition.”  If you listen to nothing or no one else, listen to your Spidey senses because they’re usually right.  Every time you refuse to listen to your gut, it results in a serious case of the bubble guts – aka – some sh*t.

If you want to be cool with this chick, that’s okay.  Just be cool and careful from afar.  If she manipulated her way into your realm of contacts, that’s only the starting point of what she’s capable of.

Ordinarily I’d give you a whole bunch of other funny quips, but I don’t think you need any more advice than that.  Follow my word, listen to your own intuition, watch your back and don’t be anybody’s fool.  If you feel a sudden urge to act in fool-like ways, remember this quote:

“Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Every night my husband sleep walks into the bathroom and never puts the seat down when he’s finished with his business.  I’m tired of falling in.  How can I get him to stop?  

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up 

Dear I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up,

Before we begin, let me apologize for my sudden outburst of laughter.  Your codename couldn’t be any more appropriate!  Sadly, you are one of millions of women who have taken a dive into the commode butt first.  As frustrating, and arguably comical, as that may be, please try to understand that your husband is not purposely sabotaging your personal potty experience.  Men just have no reason to sit on the potty stool unless their number one business begins with a number two, or unless they are just that lazy.  But when it comes to the bathroom, there’s no such thing as a man being that lazy, especially when you factor in all the steps that it takes to introduce the ass to the seat.

From adolescence, men are taught to pee standing up.  If they could sh*t standing up, they probably would but I think we can all agree that wouldn’t work out well for anyone – man or woman.

If you want to get the Mister to stop leaving the toilet seat up, might I suggest you beat him at his own game?  Before he goes to bed, give him plenty of beer and water.  Both of which will call his bladder’s bluff and will have him peeing like a water fountain in the middle of Union Station.  You may also want to feed him some seafood, specifically crabs, or any other food that will weigh both his stomach and his eyelids down.  As he sleeps through the night, slip into the bathroom, lift the toilet seat and spread clear plastic wrap upon the commode.  When he wakes to take a mid-night piss, he won’t see the plastic wrap, obviously because it’s clear and also because he’ll most likely be sleep walking.  It will be nothing but a surprise (and no pun intended) piss-off when his pee pee rolls off the wrap and all over the bathroom floor.  Nothing will annoy him more.  He’ll have to clean up his mess before returning to bed, because if not that’ll be a whole other battle he’d rather not fight [with you].

If and when he confronts you about the plastic wrapped booby trap, you can simply reply to him with, “Now you know how it feels.”  After that little episode, I promise you he’ll think twice before leaving you all washed up in the middle of the night.       

It may seem a little far fetched but everyone has to learn some lessons the hard way.

Hottywood

SIMILAR ARTICLES: Potty Problems: A Public Disgrace

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Dear Hottywood, 

How do you help someone who won’t help their self?  

Anonymous 

Dear Anonymous,

There are two simple answers to this question: (1) you can’t and (2) you shouldn’t.  There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to help someone but why bother when they are content with the state of their current situation?  Helping someone who doesn’t want to help their self only adds stress to you and heavies the load on your plate.  If they don’t care about upgrading their life or situation(s), your situations aren’t going to matter that much to them either, and they’ll probably spend about as much time waiting for you to mind your business as you are trying to push them to an elevated level.  Do yourself a favor and take care of your own home before you try to clean up someone else’s.

On a more positive note, I commend you for wanting to better someone else’s status.  Too many people in this world couldn’t care less.  Keep on having a big ol’ heart of gold but don’t accidentally become a fool at someone else’s expense.  To keep things on neutral grounds, continue to encourage them to make steps in a more positive or new direction.  They’ll appreciate their walk a lot more if and when they make the decision to move forward, but it’ll most likely have to be on their terms – not yours.

Thought of the day:  “Getting lost will help you find yourself.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been seeing this girl for the last few weeks and we’ve gone out on a couple of dates but lately she’s been canceling on me (“cancel” sounds so much better than standing me up, which is actually what she’s been doing).  I like her a lot, but she’s not giving me many chances to explore more deeply how I [could] feel about her.  Her reasons for not following through with our plans usually have something to do with her job or the fact that she’s just tired.  I don’t know if I should be patient and hold out for her or just take it as a personal message that she doesn’t want to be bothered.  What should I do? 

‘Fess Up                                                              

Dear ‘Fess Up,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to say “F*ck it” and move on.  And though that’s probably what the bottom line of my answer is, chances are her work schedule may very well be the reason why she isn’t staying committed to your dates.  Having said that, this brings about a few questions only you can answer: Is that good enough for you?  Can you deal with someone who makes you feel like a lesser priority?  Don’t you think you want and deserve a little better than that?  I’m not telling you that you should give her an ultimatum of choosing between her job and you.  Usually when you give anyone an ultimatum you don’t get the answer you’re looking for.  But sooner or later your ass will get tired of coming in second place because you were somewhere sitting on the side line waiting for the prize to come to you.

On the other hand, she could just as well be using her job an excuse to avoid seeing you, which of course would inevitably lead your thoughts in another direction.  She could be seeing someone else.  You may not be her type.  She may not want to date anyone right now and simply don’t want to hurt your feelings – aka, leading you on.  Whatever the reason, whether it’s her job or some bullsh*t excuse to cover up the truth, she obviously isn’t communicating with you, which in itself is going to become a problem if the key in your relationship finally does start the ignition.

One thing about women though, they usually know what they want when it comes down to relationships in general.  If you’ve been dealing with this chick for a number of weeks and you’ve still not been upgraded, that’s a red flag no green, brown, blue, or black eyes can avoid seeing.  On another note, she seems to be doing fairly well at keeping you dangling on strings like a puppet, and that my friend is not a good look for anyone whose name is not Pinocchio.

If all that I’ve said thus far is nothing more to you than a bunch of paragraphs filled with blah blah, then pay close attention to the first sentence of my response because the truth of the matter is you can’t miss what you don’t have.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I recently made the brilliant move of taking my girlfriend to a party hosted by my ex-girlfriend. At the party, I found out that my ex-girlfriend is a lesbian. I discovered this after being warned that she exchanged phone numbers with my current girlfriend. I don’t know if I should be mad or turned on. How would you feel if you were me? 

Porno3D

Dear Porno3D,

If it were me, my ass would be scared. While the thought of two women vying for your “attention” may sound good, you have to take into account what would happen if the ladies compared notes about you. You drew your own first strike when you put your current girl in the same setting as your ex. AND on your ex-girl’s home field? I don’t think you thought this plan all the way through. However I am able to reach down deep inside and understand a reason for wanting to show your past what your future brought, but if you look at it in the present and future tense, the initial thought is like fashion; in one season and out the next. You could have saved yourself some heartache by not walking into this line of fire [Negative + Positive = Negative aka Ex + Current = Trouble]. Albeit it, her knocking knockers with another knocker-holder is a knock on the noggin that you couldn’t possibly have seen coming. First tip – don’t sweat it. It could happen to anyone.

The spin on the record is that it seems like there’s firm ground to believe your girl swings both ways. Let’s be honest here. Everyone knows this is going to be the first thing any guy thinks about, obviously. If she’s into you and she’s into her, you put your left foot in and take your right foot out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around… Welp, that’s what it’s all about. If you’re lucky. Every song doesn’t end on the same note.

There’s a 30/70 chance that these two gals are going to invite you into some kind of romantic tryst. You can be ready for it but I wouldn’t necessarily advise you to expect it because no matter what, you’re not going to get around them comparing notes about you. Also, if they exchanged numbers behind your back, there’s an even stronger chance that they are going to do something without you, even if that something is intended strictly in a platonic kind of way. If you want to dig deeper beneath the surface, then you should understand that your girlfriend is keeping secrets from you. If you didn’t know she’s a lesbian (although you might want to confirm that notion by hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth before spraying it on the side of a bus), what else don’t you know? What else isn’t she telling you? Where does her feelings for other women (if applicable) leave you and your relationship?

There’s a lot of questions you can ask if you want to stick this fight out, but believe me you aren’t going to come out without scars. Your ego is already bruised. You need to treat this like any regular relationship if you really value anything with your current girl. You gotta ask her the straight up questions and get the straight up answers. No pun intended. Don’t be a fool though.  If this chick’s sexuality is in question, then the bigger question is if this is something you are able, willing and ready to deal with. “Yes,” or “no,” and there’s your answer.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so. And as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page (in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t; what’s acceptable as greetings) on any level…except for sex. When I mention anything [and I do mean anything], I get labeled as being “extra” (someone who does too much). Here is an example:

Him: “What’s up slim?” [With a punch in the arm or asking for dap.]

Me: “Can’t you call me something else, and stop doing that dap thing?”

Him: “You are so extra.

Even in private places he and I don’t start off on the same page.  He is not as much into the “fore”  as much as he’s into the “during” and “after.”  Don’t get me wrong, it is GREAT! But whenever I mention the imbalance, I get hit with, “…yeah it’s all about you; I mean didn’t you c^m? What’s the difference?”

I keep telling myself  (and am told by certain friends) that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse.  But I think there is potential there… maybe…

Selfish in the City

Dear Selfish in the City,

I almost couldn’t finish reading your inquiry because of all the red flags that were in the way of the words. Because there are so many red flags I’m not going to sugar coat anything for you because you’re doing plenty of that yourself. Instead I’m going to jump straight to point and begin by telling you two things:

  1. You’re selling yourself short by entering into a union with someone you know your ass don’t have no business being with. If you two can’t agree on anything more than sex than ya’ll shouldn’t be anything more than f!ck buddies. Since he’s insistent on treating you like that then you need to make like Serena Williams and serve the ball right back in his court. I may not be a man of the cloth but I paid enough attention in Sunday school, when I wasn’t pulling pranks on the Sunday school teacher, to know that the bible says “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)  You two aren’t seeing eye to eye and the only lips he seems to be interested in reading are the ones between your legs. However why shouldn’t he when you allow him to degrade your worth? If you don’t demand a higher level of respect now then you can’t expect any more respect later on down the line. Not to mention, given the example you gave, his choice of words are a stepping stone for verbal abuse and I’d sure as hell hate to see what follows in those footsteps.
  1. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself. All your friends know that he’s not the one for you and he knows he’s not the one for you, or you’re not the one for him rather. “He has potential,” is code name for “I don’t have anyone else right now so he’ll have to do.” What’s your rush? It can’t be for the emotional connection because he isn’t giving you any. And if it’s for the d!ck, you can get that anywhere from someone who would be more than willing to offer you more respect than this joker. You’re making excuses for his ignorance and inconsideration and the only one who believes those bullsh!t excuses are you.

What you need to do is wake up and smell the coffee, drop that zero and find yourself a hero quickly or spend some time with yourself until you’ve come to grips on what it is you really want and need. Otherwise you doom yourself to walk a path of “oh no’s” and “uh oh’s.”

He’s not tripping. He’s going to continue doing what he’s doing and getting what he’s getting for as long as you give it to him. Forget the cliché, “give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile.” You’ve already given him one mile too many.

Let me ask you. Do you see yourself settling down with him? Marrying him? Having children with him? If your answer is “no” to any of these questions then I don’t understand why you’re giving him so much control over you, your va-jay-jay or your character. If you don’t think you deserve better than that then you don’t need to change your situation. It’s not my place to say “stay,” or “go,” but if it were me, my ass would be running for the border because this ain’t nothing but a train wreck waiting to happen.

Good luck with that.

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

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Dear Hottywood, 

My girlfriend and I recently went to a party. At some point of the festivities, she excused herself to go outside to smoke a cigarette. Ironically at the same time, some dude went outside to smoke a cigarette, too. I noticed the two had been missing for a while so I went out to see if she was all right. What I found was him smoking a cigarette but she wasn’t. As the night went on she told me that the guy inquired about our relationship status. After confirming to him that she and I were kicking it, he still proceeded to pursue her, obviously until I came along and cock-blocked. She said she rejected his advances, but I can’t help but to feel a little uneasy about her decision to remain with him as he finished “smoking his cigarette.” 

I have no reason to distrust her but I do have a sinking gut feeling that there’s more to the story than she admitted. I don’t know if I should make a big deal out of it or keep my feelings to myself and hope if in the event there is another situation like this that she will handle it differently. What should I do? 

Petty

Dear Petty,

I have to admit that the situation does sound a little suspect but in my honest opinion you didn’t catch her doing anything wrong. I agree with you wholeheartedly that she should have handled things differently. Continuing to entertain the guy while he made advances towards her only provoked his ill intentions and in the end landed her in a situation where her trust should be questioned. However, since you pulled her coat tails with clean hands, you have nothing to go on. If she did try to pull some funny stuff, trust me when I tell you if she did it once she’ll do it again. You’ll get your chance to catch her in some sh!t when the time is right. Until then this is nothing more than a big ole fat case of your word against her’s.

At this point you have one of two choices to make: (1) tell her how her actions, or non actions, made you feel, take her word to heart and then leave it alone; or (2) tell her how her actions, or non actions, made you feel and then kicks rocks based on the fact that you can’t trust her ass. Trust is 60% of an intimate relationship. Then there’s 30% for sex and finally 10% for some other ole bullsh!t. You do the math. At any rate, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your courtship. That’s a decision you have to make for yourself. This girl is someone you will be spending a considerable amount of time with should you decide to move forward with her. If you don’t trust her it ain’t gonna work, simple as that. So number one, you need to talk to her and be honest. When you throw a rock into the sea and the ripples have finally calmed, the waters are forever changed because the rock still remains. Number two, you need to be honest with yourself, and I say that for a reason.

It sounds to me as if it’s not a question of whether or not you trust her. That’s subtly very clear. Your reservations seem to be a little more deep than that. The real question is why? Is it because it’s too early in the game for you to invest so much trust? Or too early for you to tell how much nonsense you’re willing to put up with? Or because you aren’t sure if you want to play the game with her at all? Whatever the case, given the story that you’ve shared with me, she isn’t guilty of committing any punishable crime, which begs the question of if your reservations are based on something more than a bad choice she made at a party.

Either way I would tell her to check her baggage at the door so she makes sure it never happens again. Not with you and not with the man that comes after you, because no matter how you spin it, even if what happened at that party was a simple act of bad judgment on her part, the sh!t still wasn’t cute; and anything that’s not cute is not a good look.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I totally hate my job.  My boss is a prick.  My coworkers are untrustworthy.  My paycheck is smaller than my waist size and I’m not as challenged by my [job] position as much as I am by the different personalities in my office.  Unfortunately I’ve had no luck finding a new job.  HELP!   

Sign,  

I Didn’t Get the Memo 

Dear I Didn’t Get the Memo,

I would like to be the first to stand up, shake your hand and say, “Welcome to corporate America.”  By common law, made up some place over a hill and beyond a mountain top, it’s been written that at least one employee in every office must hate their job for whatever reason.  It sounds to me as if you are that lucky employee for your particular job.

I understand how frustrating it is not to be able to find the job of your dreams, or even that just-add-water-job to get you out of your current situation.  As frustrating as it is, there are a few possible reasons why that may be:  the job market sucks; your clothes are too wrinkled or reek of raw hamburger meat, or; your supervisor knows you are planning to quit and has slandered your name all over town.

If any of these reasons are the case, then might I suggest you wash and iron your clothes really, really well?  Hygiene is important in case no one ever told you.  Ordinarily I’d tell you to threaten your potential employer to hire you, but in all honesty that never works out well.  You can threaten your current employer or slander his/her name but be warned that karma is a bitch!  You can also go into business for yourself provided you have the appropriate skill set, know how, determination and sufficient business start up fees (consider your waist size paycheck…your words, not mine).  If all else fails, there is always the option of sleeping on the job without getting caught.  Don’t gasp in disbelief.  A) It’s a lot easier than it sounds and B) it will save you from the hassle of coming up with a bunch of bullsh!t excuses to call out of the office for hours and days at a time.  To show you how simple it is to sleep on the job, I’m going to list a few examples for you.  After all, Hottywood Helps!

This may seem like a whole new subject for you, but since landing a new gig doesn’t seem to be working out, this is about your next best option.

If you happen to doze off at your desk and awaken with letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead, then clearly you have not mastered the art of falling asleep at work on company time without notice.  So first things first, you must know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the office, the office high/low peak times and especially the office personalities.  This will help you to determine what part of the day is best for catching some must needed snooze time in an effort to sleep through the drudgeries of the day.  Once you’ve gotten the ins and outs under your belt, you’re ready for the next leg of the run.

  • Xerox your face on the copier machine and then paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your over overcoat with old files and shut your door slightly after hanging a “On conference call. Please knock,” sign on the door so that whenever someone unknowingly interrupts your sleep, you’ll have enough time to wake up from your under-desk slumber and high-tail it back into your swivel chair.
  • If you’re a bald guy (or a bald woman), take a black magic marker and draw a face on the crown of your head.  Place a pair of glasses (personality or prescription) over the drawn eyes. By doing this, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re wide awake.
  • If you do not carry a Rogaine Gold Membership card, instead of drawing a face on the crown of your head, draw a pair of eyes atop your closed eyelids, giving the illusion that you are bright-eyed and bushy tailed.  No one will be the wiser, unless of course you are a snorer.  If you are a snorer, just claim that you are a heavy wheezer.  If you are overweight, this excuse is much more believable.

These facial illustrations will not work if you have no artistic talent, obviously.  If you can not draw, you’ll have to use more drastic measures.  And by “measures” (plural), I mean one in particular.  Pull the nearest fire alarm!  If you hate your job as much as you make it sound, then you’d better enroll in some art classes because you can’t pull the fire alarm every day.  That may be a little suspect.  Once you’ve pulled the alarm, make a mad dash back to your desk.  While everyone is busy scurrying out of the building, you will have bought yourself at least fifteen to twenty minutes to catch some zzz’s.  If sleeping on the job is not your top priority, then you will have bought yourself a few extra minutes to search for and break into the office petty cash box to grab some dinero to cover the monies you aren’t seeing on your paycheck.  Just don’t get caught.  A few extra bucks is so not worth a few days or years in a federal prison with a butch boyfriend who wants to cuddle on the top bunk.

The key thing to remember when following any of these tactics is that timing is everything.  If nothing seems to work for you then you ought to get on your knees and pray to the almighty J.C. and wait patiently for the tides to turn.  He won’t put anything on you that you can’t handle.  If you don’t have the kahunas to take any of this advice, then your last resort is to quit your job and become a homeless person.  That way worrying about a dead end job will be the least of our worries.  When you think of how badly you’d have it then, the situation you’re in now probably won’t seem as bad.  I guess it’s more than fitting to end by saying, “Things could be much worse.”  My grandma used to tell me all the time, “This too, shall pass.”

Be patient.  Be persistent.  Be strong.  And be careful!  Good luck.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I hope I don’t sound too petty with this, but I am pretty fed up with being the designated taxi cab for all my friends whenever we go out or if they just need a ride some place.  They never offer me any gas money and always seem to put me on their clock.  I hate to be rude, but enough is enough already!  Any suggestions on how to get them to stop asking me for rides?   

The Last Straw

Dear The Last Straw,

I really wish I could give you a nice way of telling your peeps to stop asking you to burn up your fuel, but the reality of it is the word “no,” generally tends to hurt people’s feelings because that’s simply not what they want to hear.  Besides, how nice do you feel when they regulate the use of your car, gas and time and expect you to operate on their schedule and terms?  I’m not going to tell you to be mean.  Instead I’m going to tell you to be honest.  Gas now-a-days has surpassed $4.00 per gallon (if you’re lucky).  In some states and countries, it’s damn near double that amount.  You have every reason to be annoyed when your friends don’t take this into consideration.  Hell, that’s probably why their asses don’t have cars.  That’s one less expense for them to pay.

If you think about it, what would they do if you stopped chauffeuring them around town?   I’ll tell you what they’d do.  They’d either catch a bus (which is not free) or a cab (which is so not free unless they’re cab hopping…and then they run the risk of paying with their lives, especially if they’re catching a cab in the hood or the Hispanic part of town) or they’d sprout wings.  And let’s face it, if they sprouted wings they wouldn’t have a need to ask you for a ride because A) they’d be able to fly, B) would be getting paid some major bones from the media or some side show for being the only human(s) on the planet who have wings and/or C) be locked up in a cage somewhere because the government would be too busy conducting some kind of scientific experiments on them.  Let me be the first to say I’d happily pay you some gas money if you’d take me to see that!

All jokes aside, if you keep on giving in and giving them what they want without getting anything in return, then you look like the fool with no spine. Being spineless is not a good look for anyone.  Make their asses walk!  Whether it’s extra hot, extra cold or extra rainy outside, I promise you they would much rather pay for a ride than mess up their fresh kicks or even fresher hair weaves.  They’ll also think twice before asking you anything because your expression of the word “no,” will remind them that you just may not be into it.  You don’t owe anyone anything.  They owe you, remember?  If you don’t want to charge them for the gas, charge them for the mileage.  $.51 per mile sounds about right.  In fact, give them the option – $.51 per mile, a flat rate per passenger fee (consider the changes in zones like a real taxi cab driver would) or the cost of at least two gallons of gas for the total ride, depending of course, on where they’re asking you to take them.

I learned a long time ago to treat myself as a business and I’m going to advise you to do the same thing.  Doing so has helped me to conduct myself and my actions a little more professionally, economically, and smartly and has also exuded a higher demand of respect and consideration from those around me.  I also bought a couple of tee-shirts that reads:  HELL NO; BACK UP OFF ME, SLIM; and ASK ME ANYTHING AND I’LL SMEAR SUPER GLUE ALL OVER YOUR ASHY FOOT HEELS!

Charging your folks for a ride or simply telling them “no,” may seemingly hurt them, but they’ll get over it.  However for you, in the end hurt never felt so good.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I recently got into a pretty bad argument with my girlfriend.  The argument resulted in her telling me that I’m acting like a real !@%# on her period.  That got me to thinking.  I notice that we get into the smallest arguments that escalate into the biggest deals, at least twice a month.   

My question to you is, “Do men have periods?”   

Sign,  

Man Cramps 

Dear Man Cramps,

Have you ever wondered why you’ve wanted to punch an alarm clock or a meter maid?  Curse out your girlfriend, baby mama or some random stranger on the street for no apparent reason?  Well I’ve got three words for you: Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), aka, male PMS!  So Man Cramps, in answer to your question, “Yes, men do have periods.”

A man’s period doesn’t operate on the same cycle as a woman’s because obviously we have no uterus (can I get a “thank goodness,” and a “hallelujah,” on that?).  Our cycles are rather more sporadic, depending on the drop in levels of the hormone testosterone in our system.

Like PMS for women, IMS comes with a wet paper bag full of symptoms that include irritability, mood swings, hot flashes, depression, anger, feelings of anxiety, hypersensitivity, headaches, backaches and even stomach cramps.  Because IMS is caused by falls in levels of testosterone, there can also be a result of lack of sexual arousal and sexual dysfunction (say it ain’t so!).

Actually, there have been a number of studies conducted on animals focusing on male PMS.  One such study was tested on [male] sheep.  In the study, scientists noted that the testosterone levels in the sheep were highest in the autumn months, during which time the male sheep experienced an increase in mating activity.  In the winter months, hormone levels dropped dramatically and the sheep became nervous and anxious around females. The decrease in testosterone also caused the males to lash out at one another.

If you think your acting like an asshole is a result of you going through your “male monthly,” there is something you can do about it.  Sometimes IMS symptoms can be alleviated with topical creams, such as male progesterone cream or AndroGel.  Other suggestions to keep your sh*t under control is to make sure you have a sufficient amount of calcium and magnesium in your system.  You can curtail your bitchiness a little bit by getting on a more health conscious diet.  Lay off burgers, fries and stadium hotdogs and try to stick with more healthy choices of food.  It’s not as simple as it sounds considering burgers and fries are like the national anthem for the reverse of the four basic food groups.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started.  Anyway, 10 percent saturated fat, 25 percent fat, 35 percent low glycemic carbohydrates (carbohydrates that are digested slowly and that do not cause insulin levels to spike) and 40 percent protein will keep your girlfriend from secretly telling all her friends that you’re just a little girl trapped in a man’s body.  With this diet plan, approximately 30 to 40 minutes of exercise each day, six to eight hours of sleep each night, and a lot of sexual attention from your girl (or some other girl if things aren’t working out with your current situation) when she isn’t turned off by your man cramps, you can reduce the symptoms of IMS, stabilize your hormones, and get back to wearing the pants in your relationship.

The down side of IMS is that it makes most men feel emasculated to have such a “bitch” thing happen to them (provided they are aware of IMS at all), since traditionally menstruation has never been associated with men.

The up side is now you have a legitimate reason to act like a fool at least once a month, although you don’t have to limit your foolishness to once a month since you’re not operating off the same hormonal cycle as a chick.  Remember, a woman’s cycle is monthly while a man’s cycle depends on the level drop in hormones.  You also have a justifiable reason to get out of a bunch of sh*t you don’t want to be bothered with.

  • You’re not in the mood to have a particular conversation?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to go to work in the morning?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t like someone’s [horrible] cooking?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to change up for gym class?  Use man cramps as your excuse!

It’s a good thing you came to me.  Otherwise you’d just be labeled an angry asshole for nothing.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!  Good luck with that.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

I overheard a couple of my coworkers talking about me and my poor work performance. Should I confront them about it or continue acting like I don’t know what’s going on?  What should I do?  

Thanks,

Water Cooler Rumors 

Dear Water Cooler Rumors,

It’s never a good thing when you overhear someone talking negatively about you.  The first thing any average person wants to do is smear vaseline over their face and go all WWF on a mofo!  As much fun as drop-kicking someone sounds, I wouldn’t advise that during normal business hours.  Save the violence for the after hours cocktails with the staff.  That way you can blame the ass-whooping on alcohol consumption.

Let me be serious with you for a second before I drop you the 411 on the Hottywood revenge tips.  You have to be careful if you plan on confronting them about badmouthing you behind your back.  They may have legitimate reasons, if your work performance is less than stellar.  Acting a fool would only add credibility to their whispers and would also bring those reasons to light.  The last thing you need right now is for more coworkers, especially those who are upper level management, to see your flaws and errors.  What I would suggest is that you evaluate your own performance.  If you are screwing up, getting your shit together would be its own just reward and will also keep your ass employed.  If you work for the federal government, then advising you to work harder, better or smarter would be sufficient enough advice if I were speaking to a brick wall.

Now here are a few innovative and devilish ideas that will help you to get back at that those bagel eating gossipers:

  • Replace all the coffee beans in the break room with stale decaf coffee beans.  Everyone in the office will be sluggish for the entire day and will not know why.  By doing this, all of your colleagues will appear to be lazy and unenthused and somewhere down the line, you can use their slothfulness against them.  The key here is to think big in small steps.
  • Every time your coworkers leave their office, completely remove the paper from their printers or replace the printer paper with pages from a Playboy magazine.  This way, they’ll become flustered by the constant disappearance of the paper or terminated for viewing porn in the office.
  • Using a black magic marker, scratch their names off of all of their incoming faxes.  If no one knows who the recipients of the faxes are, they will be discarded, the issues will never get resolved and your coworkers will be questioned on their no follow-up to their tasks, assignments, etc.
  • Hire a gang of obese gypsy belly dancers to beat them up in the parking lot of your office building and film and post the whole episode on YouTube.  You’ll get nothing out of this but it sure as hell will be fun to watch.

If you associates are covertly trying to bring you down, then A) you shouldn’t go down without a fight and B) you shouldn’t go down alone.  If somehow there is a pink slip involved with your name written all over it, then you have nothing to lose with getting a little revenge.  If, on the other hand you want to take the high road, get your act together and stop giving them something to talk about.  Check back with me to let me know how things work out for you.  And if you decide to take me up on that whole YouTube idea, make sure you give me a link so I’ll know where to go look!   Good luck.

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:   40 Excuses to Get Out of Work

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Dear Hottywood, 

While trying to be a good friend to another, I made a big mistake. I thought I saw my BFF’s boyfriend hooking up with another girl. This weekend my BFF invited me to a cookout over her boyfriend’s house. Naturally I felt like she had a right to know what her BF was doing, so I told her about the girl I saw him with. She was mad!  When we got to the cookout, she approached him about it and a big argument erupted.  Fastforward.  The other girl came out of the house. That’s when things got really bad. To make a long story short, it turns out the girl was his cousin.  She flew into town with her parents to attend a wedding.  They all hadn’t seen each other in about eight years, so he took the cousin out on the town.  That’s obviously when I saw them together. (Oops! My bad.)   

My BFF looked so embarrassed and I felt horrible for telling her what I saw.  Her boyfriend, on the other hand was mad because he felt like she didn’t trust him.  He told her that he ought to take her phone and go through it to see if she was messing with anyone, so she could see how it feels not to be trusted.  And that’s exactly what he did.  He snatched her phone right out her hand and started going through it in front of everyone.  And guess what, he found some text messages from another guy!  If you think the first argument was bad, you should’ve seen him go off!!! 

Needless to say they broke up, and neither of them is speaking to me anymore.  What can I do to make up with them?  I feel terrible! 

Whoops

Dear Whoops,

Where the hell were the cameras?!  That sounds like a cookout not to be missed.  I have to be honest and tell you that it’s not going to be easy getting back into their good graces, for a number of reasons.  And though I’m sure you don’t want to hear those reasons, in my personal opinion it’s necessary for you to hear them so you don’t ever make this mistake again.

  1. Although you may have had your BFF’s best interest at heart, you should’ve had your facts straight before you opened your mouth to tell her what you saw.  There’s a funny saying my grandmother used to tell me when I was growing up: “Believe nothing and only half of what you see.”  By spreading rumors (because that’s all you did really, started a rumor), you made yourself out to be a big fat liar; a gossip.  Put yourself in their shoes.  If the tables were turned, you wouldn’t speak to your ass either.
  2. You didn’t mind your own business.  Friend or not, your BFF’s intimate relationship(s) should not include you, if but for no other reason than the fact that no relationship should be influenced by an outside source or a third party.  Relationships are complicated enough, so when a third party enters the building it shifts the balance of the relationship itself.  This was probably your biggest mistake.  By nature you chose a side – your BFF’s.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that would piss off her boyfriend.  No matter how you look at the situation, you were destined to screw someone over.  Unfortunately things backfired and the tables turned on your BFF, which in effect means you screwed her over instead.  Your intentions looked malicious and now you and everyone involved look like fools.
  3. You didn’t think out the consequences of your actions.  If you would’ve considered the consequences, you could’ve easily avoided your first and second mistakes.

Someone probably really wants to kick your ass right about now, so what you need to do is steer clear of their path for a while (Isaiah 26:20).

A)        You are the enemy.  You broke up a relationship on the grounds of your unproven theory that someone was cheating; not knowing the person cheating was your BFF.  [Side bar: Would you have told her boyfriend that your BFF was cheating on him if you’d have known?].

B)        They need time to figure out how to deal with everything: A gossiping friend/frenemy/associate/the devil; the discomfort of a broken relationship; trust issues; embarrassment; and the willpower to [again] keep from whooping your ass for running your mouth.

C)        You need a timeout to reflect on the consequences of not minding your own business and allowing someone else to make their own mistakes.

If or when your friends decide to forgive you is beyond anyone’s vision.  They both have reason to be mad.  Only time will tell how this game will play itself out.  Perhaps a bag of muffins and a gift card to McDonald’s to your peeps wouldn’t hurt, but if I were you, I’d deliver the peace offerings via pigeon messenger just to be on the safe side.

In the future, if you consider minding someone else’s business, if thinking back to this little incident doesn’t deter your decision, I want you to think of this little knock-knock joke:

    • “Knock, Knock!
    • Who’s there?
    • Scott.
    • Scott who?
    • Scott nothing to do with you!”

Either way, everything happens for a reason, so you’ll be okay tomorrow and tomorrow is only a day away.

REFERENCES:   Psalm 30:5; Psalm 103:9; Psalm 126:5

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. Ever since the breakup I’ve been a mess. I haven’t been eating. All I want to do is sleep and I keep wondering what I did to make things go so wrong. But my biggest problem is that I feel so bad for sleeping with him after the breakup. Was I wrong for that? Does that make me a ho? Does it make me look pressed?  

Lonely Heart

Dear Lonely Heart,

It isn’t up to me to justify or categorize the reasons for your actions. You did what you did and now you need to accept it, deal with it and figure out where to go from there.  I’ll be honest with you, though, and tell you that I understand your reasons for giving up the cupcakes.  Based on what you’ve mentioned (your lack of nourishment, excessive sleep and constant self blame for the failure of your relationship), you shared pillows with him to feel something other than bad.  You probably felt empty inside and just wanted to feel something, anything again. Him, specifically.

Do I think that makes you a ho?  Or pressed?  No.  I don’t.  I think that makes you human. But don’t get that confused with being stupid.  Sleeping with ol’ boy isn’t going to bring him back to you and it’s probably not going to do anything but get your panties in a bunch, and not in a good way.

Whatever feelings you felt after sleeping with him were more than likely temporary.  You didn’t do anything but solve an immediate problem for yourself (if not creating more) and stroked his ego (among other things).  Now your emotions are sizzling with the luke warm facade of what was and what will never be again.  For now, I’m going to hand you a get-out-of-jail-free card for thinking with your ta-tas instead of your brain.  Breakups will do that to a person.  Here is what you need to ask yourself, “How long am I going to think or worry about someone who isn’t thinking or worrying about me?”  Stop focusing on what was. Stop crying about what isn’t.  And for peek sake, go somewhere and eat!  There are too many chicken wings in this world for you not to eat…  Wait.  Let me take that last statement back.  If you don’t eat any chicken wings that leaves more for me.

The bottom line is it’s time for you to pick up the pieces and move on.  Life is filled with love and loss and people gain from their trouncing.  What are you gaining by barricading yourself inside closed doors while you wait for your ex to ring your phone for a booty call?  Don’t remain his bed buddy if you’re not good enough to be anything else to him.  You find someone else whom you will be more worth to or find that place within you that appreciates your own self-worth.  What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.  At least it shouldn’t.  In any case, don’t let anyone take away what you think about yourself.  No one should have that kind of power over you, no matter how great of a person they are or how good the sex is, because for every one person that’s good, there are about ten other people that’s better.  And if you keep on crying and starving yourself, it’s going to make it that much harder to move on with someone new because you’ll look too gaunt to make an attractive impression.

Take these words to heart.  It takes a couple of seconds to say, “Hello” and seemingly forever to say, “Goodbye.”  Forever is a long ass time.

Good luck.

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  Summer Sizzles! Break Up to Make Out!

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Dear Hottywood, 

I broke into my boyfriend’s voicemail and found the number of the girl he’s been cheating with. What should I say when I call her? 

Signed, 

Red-Handed

Dear Red-Handed,

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.  You broke into your boyfriend’s voicemail???  Shame on you.  This is a problem within itself. Love is blind; it’s not stupid.  By hacking into this guy’s phone, which is a violation of privacy and I’m sure some kind of law, you’ve placed an unnecessary stress on yourself.  If you had a reason for thinking he was cheating on you then you shouldn’t have thrown any more salt onto the wound.  When it comes down to people and how much faith you put into them, more times than a few, it’s necessary to go with your gut.  You already knew he was in the wrong.  Your next question should’ve been, “what am I going to do to get out of this situation?”  But because you chose to go another route, the choice you made has now made you equally untrustworthy.  …different acts; same principle. Before you think about approaching anyone with anything, you need to have a reasonably acceptable answer when your man asks you what you were doing snooping through his phone.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  They only level the playing field.

To be honest with you, you shouldn’t call the girl at all.  That wouldn’t solve your problem. It would instead be adding to it. The person that you need to talk to is your boyfriend.  You can’t control another man’s house without your own home being in order.  Despite what role the chick played in the situation, your problem lies within your relationship.  Approaching any third party for whatever reason is a good example of the need to know when to pick and choose your battles.  She should be the last thing on your mind.

Now I’m not going to tell you that you and this man don’t need to be together. And I’m not going to tell you that the girl he’s cheating with doesn’t need to have her ass kicked.  What I am going to tell you is that you need to focus on making yourself your own number one priority and worry about more important sh*t.

Here are some thoughts that will help you in your current relationship or the next.  Because you’ve admitted to hacking into someone’s phone, be advised that these quotes apply to both you and the persons you involve yourself with, whatever the association:

  • What is done in the dark will soon come to light.”
  • All will be told when the scroll unfolds.”
  • When you mess with fire, your ass gets burned.”
  • Chase dreams, not people.”

I’m curious to know how everything works out.  Make sure you come back and give me an update.  Good luck.

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

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Dear Hottywood, 

I have been going through a lot of life-altering changes recently; going from being completely taken care of by Granny to being all on my own with basically no one to call on. I have gone from being on my own to becoming a parent and having a life that I am responsible for.  To top it off, since the death of my grandmother, it has been one obstacle to overcome after another.  

The only thing that plagues me is that I feel depressed a lot. Feelings of rage, anxiety, sorrow, joy and fright riddle me throughout each day.  Not saying that I have the market cornered on suffering, but it feels very overwhelming.  I have noticed a serious change in how I act now versus before my grandmother’s death. I feel lost; like no one really cares at all for me. I never did well with love and true friends are few and far between.  I have thought about getting counseling or something but I don’t feel that I am crazy. I just feel so alone at times. *Sigh*   

I don’t know what I’m asking really, Hottywood.  Maybe I should ask, “How do I get myself back to myself?”, if u can understand what that means.  

Signed, 

SOS please send help!!!! 

Dear SOS,

You make it really difficult to make a heavy situation light.  Let me begin by telling you that I understand completely where you are coming from.  Life is not easy.  In fact, it’s hard as sh*t.  But if you want my opinion, and it’s obvious that you do because you asked for it, the answer itself is simple.  The act however will not come so easy.

You’ve suffered a great loss with the death of your grandmother.  And my condolences go out to you and your family.  What I am going to need for you to try to do is understand that your grandmother has lived a full life.  She’s no doubt seen hard times.  She’s raised her children, been dissed by family and friends; laughed; loved; and lost.  Her time to go home to glory was the will of God.  But during her time here on Earth, she’s left behind a legacy.  You.

She’s taught and given you everything that you need to continue living and growing in your life so that you may be just as strong for your child as she was for you.  This is not a time to mourn her.  Especially with the way things are now in this world; sky rocketing gas prices; tsunamis; and KFC being accused of not selling real chicken.  This is a time to thank and celebrate her for all that she’s given to you.

Now you have to take all the strength that she instilled in you and apply it to yourself.  Trouble doesn’t last always, so as long as you allow yourself to feel depressed by the natural and immoral pitfalls of life, you’ll condemn yourself to be a repeat offender of something you can’t control.

Friends, jobs and relationships come and go so there’s no need to dwell on those.  The words, “EFF THEM” comes to mind but what would Granny say?  All those changes that you are going through are signs that are letting you know that it’s time to take another step in your life and move the hell on from those menial things.  Most friends are not friends at all.  Most jobs are not careers and most relationships only take place after 9:30pm.

Stop focusing on the negative and start looking towards the positive.  You have your health, your mind and your baby.  What else do you need?  You ought to take the values that you’ve gained from your Granny and love and teach your baby to grow up to be strong, healthy and happy.  You are the lifeline now.  You can’t grow without a little struggle.  We all need a little dirt to grow.  You can’t appreciate the good if you don’t experience the bad.  The way I see it, life is a wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  Be patient, trusting and faithful in my main man J. Christ and trust that what he has for you is for you.

Now if my answers have not satisfied you, then may I suggest you strip and run naked through the hallways of a conservative donut shop exclusive only to those persons who have given up sex for the taste of powdered sugar?  See where that lands you and then tell me how depressed you are.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning…and that saying has nothing to do with booty calls.  Time heals all wounds.  The first thing you gotta do is look at the glass of kool-aid as being half full instead of half empty.  You’ll be okay because you have to be.  You have to be fine for your baby first and for yourself second.  As for everyone and everything else, they’re just players on the chess board.  And at the end of the game all the pieces go back into the same box.

“You can’t grow without a little struggle.”

You don’t need luck.  You need faith.  But I’ll pray for you any how.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

So I’ve been following your blog and “Ask Hottywood” column.  My question may be a little annoying and kind of…well, I don’t know the word I’m looking for.  But anyway; I’m an attractive female.  Some people say I’m cute.  Some say I’m pretty.  Some say I’m beautiful.  Guys hit on me all the time but they usually just want to have sex.  If I’m so pretty, why am I single?  Why can’t I find Mr. Right?   

Thank you, 

My Phone Doesn’t Ring 

Dear My Phone Doesn’t Ring,

Um, what’s your number???  Just kidding [sorta].

Let me be real with you.  You shouldn’t spend any time waiting around for Mr. Right.  The longer you wait, the longer it will take for him to arrive.  Fate and love/relationships go hand in hand.  When the time is right, your beau will come galloping along on a snow white donkey pony horse.  And when he finally arrives, you’ll appreciate him more because you weren’t expecting him.  If you’re searching, hoping, and/or waiting, you run the risk of unconsciously comparing Mr. Could Be to Mr. Right, which usually ends up being all wrong!

To let you in on a little secret, a lot of attractive people have problems settling down with the person of their dreams.  The reason why that is, is because most people believe anyone who is appealing to the eye must either already be involved with someone or involved with a couple of someones.  It’s a sad stereotype but it’s true nonetheless.

Commonly, pretty people are assumed to be high maintenance.  It isn’t that you aren’t able to find Mr. Right; Mr. Right might be scared of you based on the stereotype of your looks.

Either way, you need to stop tripping off finding a man.  If you’re not careful you’ll end up with a man of your mind instead of a man of your dreams.  You have your whole life ahead of you [provided you don’t go out and step in front of a bus], so enjoy being single for as long as you can.  Enjoy dating.  Free movies, meals and vacations are something most people long for.  Heck, I wish someone would give me some freebies, alas this isn’t about me.  That’s a post for another blog.  As long as you can bat your pretty eyes, you’ll have a wide variety of Mr. Whatevers to choose from and compare until you meet the right guy.  All the worrying, wondering and waiting you’re doing right now is simply going to put bags under your eyes.  Then you’ll be writing me about this same question, only you’ll be asking if the bags under your eyes is the reason why no one wants to settle down with your ass.

Like I tell everyone who asks me about this similar issue; just relax, have fun and enjoy the ride.  Impatience is a turn off.  Wait your turn.  Get wined and dined for a while.  Why the hell not?  Use it to your advantage while you can.  Just think of all the women who may not be as fortunate looking as you are and have no one gawking over them.  You should consider yourself lucky.  When you become totally irrelevant, that’s when you start worrying.

I hope I’ve helped you out at least a little.  If not, then we can revisit you giving me your number!  I’m getting my donkey out of the shop soon.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be the one galloping your way.  In the meantime, avoid walking in the direct path of oncoming public transportation.

Good luck, pretty lady.

Hottywood

REFERENCE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

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Dear Hottywood,  

After dating for almost two years, my ex-boyfriend and I have broken up.  I haven’t heard from him in about six months, until recently, when he called me to tell me he had a new girlfriend.  Do I have a right to be mad?  …because I am!   

Broken Hearted Brick Thrower

Dear Broken Hearted Brick Thrower,

I really wish I could take your side here, but sadly I can not.  Though I sympathize with your broken heart, I am compelled to ask you exactly what it is you’re mad about.  You couldn’t be mad at him (or at least you shouldn’t be) considering the breakup was half a year ago.

People date.  They love.  They break up.  They lose and they heal.  It’s a part of life.  Failed relationships are nothing but a stepping stone to an ultimate [Earthly] relationship.

If you put your life on hold because some man chose another over you, then the only person you should be mad at is yourself for not giving you more credit than you deserve.  While you’re sitting at home cutting out paper voodoo dolls, your ex is having the time of his life with his new bun, not worrying about you or what you’re doing.  So he’s winning a battle he doesn’t even know he’s fighting.  If you harbor any negative feelings towards him at all, they aren’t anger-related.  What you’re feeling is jealousy.  You’re jealous because he didn’t want what you wanted at the same time you wanted it.  You’re jealous because he found someone more compatible with him.  And you’re jealous because he’s happy and you’re not.  You need to take a little time for yourself and stop consuming your thoughts with someone who doesn’t want you.

I never really understood why people felt a need to call their exes to tell, explain, gloat, or whatever you choose call it, that they are in a new relationship.  I have not yet found a logical explanation except that they want you to be jealous.  Though it’s not acceptable, it is common.  It’s also very stupid because he should be focusing on the new instead of the old.  [REAL TALK: So should you.]   If in fact, making you jealous is what he was trying to do when he called you, then you shouldn’t play into his trap.

If you haven’t already given him a reaction, when he calls you again (and he will call you again), do one of two things:  (1) wish him much success in his new relationship; or (2) tell him you’ve hit the lottery and are now dating someone better looking and way better in bed than he is.  Nothing hits below the belt better than hitting below the belt!

Now to sum this up and answer your question as simply as I can: No.  You have no right to be angry with him.  He’s someone else’s problem now; and you’re exes for a reason.  Seriously, after six months it’s about time for you to get over it!  Go out.  Have a drink.  Get a little loose and then check back with me when you’ve opened your eyes.  This world is filled with too many hook ups, one-night stands and trial relationships to be stuck harping on the one that got away.  Truth be told, it wasn’t your choice or his.  It was ordered by a divine power.  You ought to get on your knees and thank your lucky stars.  For all you know you could still be with your ex, writing me a letter about how much you want out of your relationship for reasons only you and God knows.

So get over it and get laid!  Good luck.

REFERENCE:  What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I have known this guy for a very long time. We met and had a few encounters that were wonderful for me and I hope for him, too. 

Over the years we have remained friends and I have grown to really love him as a friend. The only thing is that when I think of him, I want to be more to him than a friend.  He is a very busy guy and is so intelligent, which is one of the reasons I love him so, but he never seems to except any of my invitations to chill together.  I want to keep letting him know that I’m interested but I don’t want to become a borderline stalker, if I haven’t already. 

Please help…..How do I get a guy’s attention that carries the weight of the world on his shoulders???????????

Thank You,

Desperately Seeking “The One”

Dear Desperately Seeking “The One,”

This question is a little tricky.  In fact, it’s down right simply complicated.  [Don’t you hate when people say that? “Complicated.”]

What the hell does that mean?

If you’re trying to get anyone’s attention, you’re trying too hard.  Relationships and people are natural so you must be careful when placing labels on any intentions.  Intentions only add weight to the scale.

My heart-felt advice for treading on the ice of love is to relax, be yourself and let nature do its thing!   Things have their way of working out in their own way and time.  But if you insist on placing any [or every] thing on the line, remember two things:  (1) Before you speak, think.  (2) Before you leap, look.

When it comes to matters of the heart, it’s a throw of the dice.

Now in a perfect world I’d tell you that there is no power greater than the connection of people; but lucky for you we aren’t living in a perfect world this week.  So against my better judgement, if you must take the wheel and steer the car, there’s a short cut you can take to reach your destination.  The road however is not as easily traveled as you may think.

Come a little closer.  I don’t want you to miss anything.  BE WARNED: People and relationships are natural, which means they are by nature fickle.

Here we go!

Everyone has walls.  Your objective is to break down those walls.  The first thing you gotta do is get into his head.  What does he like?  What do you like?  Find your common ground and build on that.

Meet in a public setting and just talk.  Let him do all the talking.  You just listen.  Maybe a few, “…mmm hmm’s,” and “…uh huh’s,” here and there, but actually listen, uninterrupted.  Give him a chance to relax and become comfortable.  If you listen closely enough, he’ll give you your clue to the next move in the game.

It all begins with finding that common ground I mentioned earlier.  Be cool and strategically patient.  When you’ve found that soft spot, you’ve found your “in!”  CAUTION: Don’t let your intentions [here’s that word again] get the best of you.

Remember, every train must blow a little steam before the engine cools; and all tracks aren’t as smooth as you think.  But once the smoke clears, this is your flashing yellow light to make your move!

On the real, you must keep in mind that if you’ve known this guy for some years, then you probably don’t need to overdo anything.  Sudden change in behavior can get a little weird.  However, if it’s even in your mind that you might be doing too much [now], then it’s safe and wiser to lighten up a little.   

FLASHBACK: …Intentions; …Labels. 

You’re through all the red tape of having to impress each other.  That’s a whole bunch of “blah blah blah.”  It’s all about strategic, patient manipulation.

[CODE RED: “Manipulation,” “People,” and “Relationships,” should never be used in the same sentence…]

The formula is simple but when you pull all the letters and numbers off the page, you’re on your own!

I’ve advised you.  I’ve warned you.  And I’ve given you the answer you really wanted to hear.  The rest is up to you.  Love, Fate, and Luck are some baaaad mamma jammas and you gotta be careful when you mess with them.  “Few men walk away from battles without scars.”  Things can go either way.  The fun part is trying.  Have fun.  Good luck.  And don’t hurt nobody!

Check back in and lemme know if you need me to preside over the wedding.  I promise it’ll be a sermon you’ll never forget!

REFERENCE:  The Short End of the Stick of an Un-Relationship

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Someone lied on me and I’m ready to go #%@ them up!  Please talk me out of it for their sake.   

Mean Left Hook 

Dear Mean Left Hook,

You don’t need advice to prevent you from fighting, otherwise the time you spent sending in this cry for help would’ve been spent smearing vaseline all over your face to avoid scratches and bruises.  What you need is someone to keep the engine running on your get-away car.

All jokes aside, there is no reason under the sun to let anyone pull you out of your character.  But if you must stoop to their level and result to violence, I want you to listen to that faint little voice in your head that screams, “Nothing says maturity like getting hauled off by the cops for physical assault.” 

What good is revenge if your ass is rotting away in somebody’s jail cell with a boyfriend named Lumpy Butter who knits and cracks skulls for trade?

Seriously, why bother to get all bent out of shape unless the lie is really the truth?  And even if it is the truth, own up to the consequences of your bad choices.

_____________________________________________________________

 “…EVEN GETTING CAUGHT IN & BEING LIED ON BUILDS CHARACTER.”

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Whatever the case, if you must confront the person who is badmouthing you, a small threat accompanied with a baseball bat scotch-taped to the back of your belt (just for scaring effects) would suffice.  Anything more than that will not only reduce your age to your shoe size, but will defer the untruth about your incident to your level of maturity and inability to make smarter decisions.  So no matter how you spin it, people are going to be talking about you.

Now if you really want to take the high road, then you should be cognizant enough to realize that someone gave a damn about you enough to lie on you in the first place.  After all, it’s when people stop talking about you that you should worry.  Take that lie as a compliment.  It means you’re relevant.  Whoever is lying on you is using your celebrity to keep up with you and keep their name pumping with a pulse.  The only time a liar is as important as a lie itself is when the liar and the lied on come together to duke it out in the battle of ‘your word against mine.’  And that’s not even important unless there’s someone around to witness it.

To make a long story short, don’t feed into no bullsh*t.  Fueling someone else’s fire will only burn you in the end.  All will be told when the scroll unfolds so sit back and chillax.  Whoever is attempting to feed you to the wolves will be the first hit on Karma’s list.  And believe me, watching them being attacked by their own karma will bring you the greatest satisfaction, not to mention will keep your ass out of the big house!

REFERENCE:   How to Spot a Liar: Catching a Mofo in the Act

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

Every day my coworker tells me all about her relationship problems.  Not only do I believe it’s inappropriate conversation for the office, but I really just don’t care! What can I do to make her stop? 

Confidential 

Dear Confidential,

First I have to challenge your comment about the office being an inappropriate place to discuss relationship problems.  People do it all the time [at work]; in the bathroom; at the water cooler; in staff meetings.  Work and Relationship Problems kind of go hand in hand.  At any rate, you’ve already stated what the real issue is.  You don’t care about her problems.

I won’t give you the rundown of how your listening ear can be a savior to someone who may be in desperate need to talk or vent.   Nor will I tell you that your way of thinking can be considered selfish and somewhat hypocritical when it comes time for you to lay down your burdens to anyone who’s not standing on the other side of the mirror.  And I won’t bother to tell you that karma always come back to bite you in the ass.  I won’t tell you these things because I’m pretty sure you already know.

Realistically speaking, some people just can’t help themselves.  No matter how much of a disgustingly uninterested face you can muster up, a person with that much self-absorption is usually more consumed with hearing words come out of their mouth than they are with focusing on the blood that’s dripping from your ears, in a preposterous notion that your ears are bleeding because of them.

This act isn’t uncommon and it doesn’t just happen in the work place.  Outside of honesty and risking the possibility of breaking someone’s heart by letting them know that you don’t give a damn about what they’re confiding in you, you have a couple other options.

Option 1) Offer a one-night stand word of advice.  …a “hit it then split it,” type deal.  Tell her that “all fish are forgotten when they’ve either been flushed down the toilet or fried in a skillet.”

Option 2) Defend yourself.  The next time your coworker comes to you with her problems, arm yourself with a scorching hot cup of coffee.  Toss it on her and start speaking in tongues.  Dance frantically in place and spin around in circles.  Tell her, “Somebody in this room has been possessed!” and then run like the wind.

Option 3) Death by appetizer.  Take her out to lunch.  Once you’ve been seated, scotch-tape her to her chair and shoot her to death with the crossbow you made from an asparagus tip and onion ring appetizer.  If she’s still alive and kicking after that, do yourself a favor and dive head first into the nearest pitcher of water and drown yourself until the only voice you hear is God’s.

If you’re too soft or too scared to tell her that you’d rather not discuss her problems [in the office or at all], then your last resort is to tell her that you’re super busy and request that she emails you her story.  That way, you can read the first and last paragraph and sum up what she’s whining about.

Having her email you her problems is also a perfect setup for a paper trail leading back to her, which has all the promise of showing her employers that she’s A) bringing her problems to the office, B) is distracted by outside influences, and C) distracting her fellow employees from doing their job…all of which brings down the high rate of percentage of the progress of work in the office.

REFERENCE: Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

Lemme know how all that works out for you!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood 

I had a friend that I grew up with, and consider him like a brother. But as time has passed our friendship seems as if it has [also] passed away.  I’ve tried to keep in touch, but it seems the ties I have tried to create and maintain were not good enough. Should I just stop trying and move on?

Dear Anonymous Inquirer,

Friendships stray all the time but it doesn’t make you any less friends.  “Moving on,” sounds so drastic; especially when you don’t know the circumstances of the other party’s situation.

Perhaps you should consider giving your friend time to do his thing and walk his own path for a while.  But don’t lose sight of what he means to you in your heart.  You can’t be sure of what endeavors he’s involved in.  He could have a new love; a new business; a broken heart; or a lost mind.  He may have no phone; his vocal cords may have frozen and have not yet thawed out.  He could be in jail or is simply just laying low.  Maybe you’ve changed and he doesn’t know how to address you.  The possibilities are endless and honestly, you just never know.

If you feel you’ve done everything you can to get in touch with him, then it’s time to chill out for a while.  Continuing to be persistent in making him communicate with you before he’s ready could be considered border line stalking.  And trust me, no one likes a stalker.  Well, maybe someone who’s crazy and desperate for attention.  Though you don’t know whether or not your boy has gone loco, it’s pretty clear he isn’t desperate for attention.

True friends always come back like frisbees and pimples.  So be patient and let time lead this relationship.  If you two were as close as you say, you’re still in his heart and your paths will once again cross…but only according to destiny; not according to you.

Remember, “Time is a talker and needs no questioning before he speaks.”

Patience, young Jedi.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

My boo just got her hair done and now she won’t let me have sex with her.  How long is long enough to wait?   

Hard Up

Dear Hard Up,

You should consider the possibility of not having sex with her for at least three to five days, depending on how well the do stays did.

You might as well join the ranks of great men far and wide who have been shot down by women who’ve just gotten their hair all did up.  That’s like a woman asking a man to have sex during the Superbowl.

Women are shallow when it comes to their hair.  And one thing’s for certain, there is no way on God’s green Earth that she is going to let you ruin it right after it’s been freshly done.  In the course of those three to five days, your “boo” will not lay her head to rest (and that includes on pillows, automobile head rests, chests or shoulders) and she will not sweat (so if she usually cooks for you, you’d probably do best to put some dinero to the side for some meals, because no amount of steam from any hot ass pots will ruin the do that she paid her hard earned money for).

Your best bet is just to wait it out until the curls fall or her treasure chest yearns for you to stow away your family jewels…whichever comes first.  If you want to assure some poo-poo, you’d better get it all in before she makes that appointment to get her stuff whipped, dipped, fried, dyed and laid to the side.  Other than that, ice cubes, cold showers and porno will be your best friend for a while.

However, you can give thought to speeding up the process but it may cost you.  If you take her out to a nice, expensive dinner where she can show off her tamed mane, you might get some in return.  If you have enough money in your pocket to have her kitchen remodeled by her beautician, you’ll have a better chance of getting some nookie.  If you happen to have a voice of gold and can sing the draws off of her, you might be able to get some, but if you can sing and are a broke mofo, you’d better save that ammo for your last resort.

In a nutshell, asking a woman to sleep with you when she’s fresh in from the beauty shop is equivalent to waiting for a pimple to come to a head before it’s ready to be popped.  Patience, young grasshopper.  Fill her with compliments and use this opportunity to communicate (talk & listen) and make love to her mind.  If you make love to her mind she’ll jump you like a rabbit in heat!  …but sadly, not less than three days after she’s sat underneath a hot dryer for who knows how long.  In the end our patience will achieve more than our force.  …or our begging.

I feel your pain and I wish you luck.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

Recently I moved to a new town and met a new sistah friend to party with.  She seemed okay so I invited her to go to a formal event with me.  Mind you this event had all the bells and whistles…celebrities included.  So when I told her who was going to be there she said she would be cool and wouldn’t gawk, etc.  …and she didn’t.   But what she did do baffled me.   

The food was gourmet buffet.  She brought a big ass purse with her.  Mind you she kept reaching in her bra for her money when tipping the bathroom attendant or the bar tenders, etc.  So I didn’t know why she had the big ass purse until I noticed her leaving the table and coming back with plates filled with food and desserts.  While we were talking, she would look around to see if anyone was watching, wrap the food in napkins and put it in her purse – glasses, plates, eating utensils and all.   I was speechless!  To top it off she didn’t have any table etiquette so it was uncomfortable to watch her lick dessert off the spoon and then fill her bag with glasses of dessert.   

Other than these things…she seems like an okay person to be friends with.  Just never had proper etiquette lessons.   She’s an adult so I’m not sure I should be the one to tell her how to act or not.   Should I disassociate myself from her?  I don’t know…this is an awkward situation as she has helped me get acclimated to this new town.  What would you do? 

Ms. Manners

Dear Ms. Manners,

It sounds to me as if you should keep this friend around if for nothing else but a few laughs!  In my honest opinion, I don’t think you should disassociate yourself from her.  You said yourself, “…other than these things…she seems like an okay person to be friends with.  Just never had proper etiquette lessons.”  Well that seems like a minor detail and a small sacrifice to make for friendship.

We are all called by a greater power to do things for a reason.  Perhaps you were meant to open her up to this kind of formal environment.  She probably just didn’t know that she looked a little hungry, ignorant and like a complete hamburgler.  Unfortunately she may never know unless one of two things happen: (1) someone tells her to check herself before she wrecks herself (or gets attacked by the party police) or (2) her cell phone gets completely ruined by all the food she stuffs into her “big ass” purse!  Either way it will be both funny and a lesson learned.

It would however, be unfair and a little shallow of you to disassociate yourself from someone who does not know any better or who does not come from the same background or training as you.  Not to mention, when your back is against the wall, she sounds like she’ll cut a mofo in your defense.  So a person like that is a much better ally than an enemy.

The bottom line is instead of cutting her out of your inner circle and making it inadvertently appear as if you’re embarrassed by or better than her, you should consider helping her.  Teach her the proper way to act like a lady.  Just don’t take that life lesson to a formal affair next time.  Start off small; some place like a hotdog stand.  That way if she steals some food and gets caught, the only embarrassment you’ll feel is that your ass didn’t run like the wind before she was tackled to the ground for abducting a hotdog bun.  In the end you learned a lesson:  “Not everything is for everyone.”

We all have different classes of friends.  It’s what helps to keep us both grounded and well-rounded.  So before you scratch her name out of your address book let me give you a little food for thought to stick into your purse: “…Even a lifeguard has to learn how to swim.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I was solicited to venture into “dancing” while visiting my financial adviser at a prestigious financial management company.  Is the economy so bad that pimps are popping up in odd places?  I mean I was wearing thigh high boots and a Fedora with my outfit, but dang!  Should I compromise my sexiness and dress plain to dodge these hustlers.  And even when I dress conservatively I get approached by con artists running a pyramid scheme.  Think I’m starting to think I have Ms. Naïve Gullible written across my forehead.  If this is so, how can this energy work in my favor?   

Signed,  

Sexual Chocolate

Dear Sexual Chocolate,

To be fully honest with you, I had to take a moment to stop laughing at the irony of you being solicited to dance from a representative of a financial management company!  I don’t think you can get any more classic than that.

Before I answer your question, there is something that I feel I should explain.  “Pimps” are everywhere!  I used to believe they were just disguised in business suits and Sunday’s finest garments and wore masks of a “supervisor” or “preacher,” but I’ve come to learn that they sit in trees like sky rats, a.k.a. pigeons.  Unfortunately, there is no escaping them.  Sadly, you should consider expecting to run into them.  It’ll save you time in being surprised when you are approached about some craziness.  So the economy has nothing to do with the “pimp” infestation.  Everyone in this world wants something…good or bad.  The best you can do is know your worth and identify what you’re willing to put up with [and not].  You can’t change people and what they want but you certainly don’t have to be a part of their foolishness.

Now on the real, you have to admit there is some form of flattery involved here and I challenge you to look at the cup of kool-aid as being half full instead of half empty.  Since you said “pimp” and not “madam,” I’m going to assume that the person who approached you was a guy.  So obviously, you’re easy on the eyes.  Translation, there are probably a lot of guys out there [who aren’t trying to cop your thigh high boots] who fantasize about you rhythmically bungee jumping on a stage pole in some major stripper wear.  Your sky rat just had the kahoonas to come out and ask you straight up.  I’m not saying you should have given him a high five, but in your mind I see no reason why you shouldn’t have patted yourself on the back for living up to the name Sexual Chocolate.  It’s just the nature of man to want what’s unattainable.  Take it in stride; roll with the punches; and save the story for a trip to the water cooler.

The bottom line is you don’t have to trip on something that’s not in your control.  This world is full of people who can’t control their thoughts, mouths, urges and stupid antics.  Those are the people that you laugh at and learn from.

What can you gain from that kind of energy?  Watch them.  Listen to them.  Learn how to think like them.  If you can use evil powers for good then you alone are unstoppable.  And don’t think that “pimps” and the likes thereof don’t dwell in prestigious places because they do.  Their small frames of minds simply come with a more expensive price tag.  Luckily [it sounds to me as if] you’re not buying what they’re selling.  And for that I applaud you.

I leave you with this thought:  “The paint that a leopard uses to change its spots will wash away when the rain falls.” 

I don’t need to wish you luck, Sexual Chocolate.  Instead I say, “…may the force be with you!”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me but I’m not sure.  How can I find out without falsely accusing her and jeopardizing my relationship?   

Casper the Friendly Ghost

Dear Casper the Friendly Ghost,

Usually, I would suggest taking the direct approach but seeing as how you’re going on mere speculation, taking the direct approach would only lead you to a direct slap across your face if your girlfriend is in deed being faithful to you.  So this can get a little complicated if you’re not prepared.

First and most importantly, if your gut tells you something is wrong, you should listen.  The gut never lies.  However if you’re lactose intolerant, that could be the uncomfortable feeling you’re getting in the pit of your stomach, so you may want to think things out on the toilet before you make any rash decisions.

Let me give you a few things to look out for.  Perhaps these tips will help give you a more clear view on the direction of your relationship.

  1. If she’s traded her sneakers and ratty old fairy dust slippers for stilettos but isn’t going anywhere with you to show off her sexy pumps, then that sweet filling in your relationship may be turning to sour grapes.  Also, pay attention to her makeup (especially if she never wears any with you) and her hair.  If she’s knocking boots with someone else, then her appearance will matter a hell of a lot more with them than they would with you.
  2. If she’s not giving up any poo-poo and leaves you to handle your beeswax yourself, then you may want to trade in your porno tapes for some new dancing shoes in hopes of dancing your soon-to-be single ass into the arms of another.
  3. If she’s always on the defensive, no matter how small of a question or comment you make, you should be aware that she’s bitter with you for a reason…and that reason is usually because you’re not the person she’s in to.  Everything you say at this point will suddenly become stupid and annoying.
  4. And then there are the norms: sneaking phone calls; various excuses to cancel dates with you; works late; excessive text messages; fresh perfume after a long day at the office; and/or taking showers immediately after getting home from wherever the hell she claims to have been.

If you see any of these signs, then chances are that ice cream hasn’t settled in your stomach and that sinking gut feeling that your relationship is doomed is preparing you the cliché that we all hate to hear: All good things must come to an end. 

For your sake, I hope she’s not cheating on you and that you’re just a paranoid schmuck who needs reaffirmation of your own self-confidence.  But if I’m right and your girl has traded in your relationship for an upgrade, then find comfort in knowing that I’ll be right here if you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, or a hanging partner when it’s time to hit the singles bars!

I wish you all the best.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I am a very family-oriented person who is being taken advantage of by my family (in terms of [family] duties/responsibilities).  How can I get them off my back without damaging my relationship with them?   

Worn Out & Beat Down 

Dear Worn Our & Beat Down,

I can answer this question for you in one word – MOVE!

When it comes to family, the best thing you can do is walk on eggshells, even if you are the most open, honest and dedicated family-oriented person on the planet.  Family likes to hear one word, “YES.”  Anything else will probably bring about a family meeting to discuss your “triflinity” (yes I made it up) to your face or behind your back.

But one thing about family is that they do listen, even if sometimes they act like they don’t hear you.  You just have to say your piece and hold your ground from time to time.  People can’t always have it their way like a Burger King joint.  Sometimes you have to say, “No.”  And even though your family may throw sharp objects at you, they’ll realize that you either can’t, don’t want to, or simply won’t comply with the needs they shamelessly impose on you.  In any case, old patterns won’t break until new patterns are formed.  You gotta look out for yourself first before you look out for anyone else.  It doesn’t make sense to be unhappy at everyone’s expense.

P.S.,

Don’t worry about damaging your relationship with them.  Every family has a rough patch and it’s usually over the dumbest thing(s).  But when you a chance, think about that whole ‘moving’ option.  You and your family will appreciate each other a whole lot more if there’s a bit of distance between you.  I hear the housing market on Venus is pretty decent.

Lemme know how that works out for ya!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

My child is a straight “A” student in high school but has the mouth of a discharged sailor.  What can I do to get her pre-mature adult language, conversation and overall communication with me (and other adults) on a more age-appropriate level?   

I’d appreciate your help.   

One Pissed Off Parent

Dear One Pissed Off Parent,

Let me begin by congratulating you on raising a straight “A” student.  That is a challenge in itself and you should be proud of that accomplishment!

Now, on to the hard core stuff.  It sounds to me as if your child wasn’t disciplined enough during the earlier stages of her adolescence.  You have to teach them their life lessons while they’re young so they don’t use and abuse when they grow up and become adults.  You don’t really need my advice.  You simply need to be reminded that YOU are the parent.

There is no way in hell you should allow your child to disrespect you or any other adult, for that matter.  But because you asked, here’s what I think: since dangling her outside of a 10 story window by her ankles is considered child abuse in some states, you should consider slapping her in the damn mouth to let her know who the boss is!  The fact that you’re asking for advice on how to handle this situation tells me that you’ve removed your pants and handed them over to her so she can run your household.  Since you’ve given up your responsibilities as the adult, make her earn her right to speak and act like an adult.  Charge her for every foul word that shoots across her lips.  Then charge her for every move she makes in your house until she realizes that she is still a child.  Charge her for phone usage, soap usage, breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Take away all of her shoes and clothes and make her pay you for everything she puts on.  She needs to appreciate the privilege of being a child and learn, know and remember a child’s place.

If that’s too extreme for you, strap her to the seat of a tricycle and then chain that three-wheeled bike to the back of your car and pull her lil ass to the closest (or furthest) juvenile detention center you can find so she can see what real problem children are like and how they’re dealt with by trained professionals.

The bottom line is she has to learn respect and you have to be the one to set that standard.  Otherwise you’re signing your own one-way ticket straight to an old folks home.  If you don’t nip this problem in the bud now, when she actually becomes an adult, if anything, God forbid, ever happen to you, she isn’t going to give a rat’s ass about your well-being.  If she doesn’t appreciate respect as a child, she’s not going to appreciate it much when she walks across that high school stage.  And sadly, when she has children, history will repeat itself and her kids will disrespect her the same way she’s disrespecting you.

If my words aren’t enough, then have a little chat with Jesus.  You can drop him a line by reading the following scriptures: Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20, 1 Timothy 5:4.

But when no one’s looking, I’d consider that whole ‘10 story window’ idea.  If that doesn’t shake her up then it’s a lost cause, baby.

Good luck!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

How do I keep from going crazy at work?   

Romancebybb

Dear Romancebybb,

If you want to keep from going crazy at work, might I suggest you subscribe to HottywoodHelps.com?!  DUH

Historically, work is a place where fun, laughter and happiness are prohibited.  But since (I’m sure) you don’t want that kind of humectation on your cashmere hands, you have to pump up the volume and create your own fun.  So I’m going to give you a list of ideas to help keep your day at a level ten versus a negative infinity.

  • Set imaginary booby traps at your office door.  Nothing says fun like imagining annoying coworkers being eaten by man-eating sharks!
  • If you work in a cubicle, build an invisible door and only answer to those who respectfully knock.  People will respect your personal space once they come to grips that you’re a delusional psychopath.
  • Come up with a list of inappropriate things not to say to your supervisor and then anonymously write them on the walls of the bathroom stalls.  If that doesn’t make you feel better, nothing will.
  • Make prank calls to your district manager from your coworker’s desk phone.  You’ll find great satisfaction of watching your coworker get in trouble, especially if they are a sneaky little brown-noser.
  • Find someone to flirt with in the office.  Though office romances are ill-advised, they are definitely a lot of fun and will keep enough drama going to prevent you from going crazy from all the bullsh*t a general office can bring its employee[s].
  • Say the word, “…dammit,” after every sentence.  This will bring an unprecedented amount of joy during office staff meetings.

The point is work doesn’t bring fun unless you work at an amusement park.  And if you do, then I’ll accept free tickets in return for this advice.  Otherwise you have to bring your own fun to the office for the sake of [your] sanity.  Because if you don’t, you’ll continue to go crazy until your managers deem you an unfit, unsure, and mentally unstable employee.

The ideas I gave you ought to be enough to make your days interesting for a while.  And if not, then refer to the following articles:

  1. Welcome to Corporate America, You Idiot
  2. Things Not to Say to Your Boss, Unless You Just Don’t Give a…
  3. Do You Have What it Takes to be a Disgruntled Employee
  4. How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting
  5. The Art of Sleeping at Work Without Getting Caught 

Let me know how things turn out for you.  And if you’re still losing your mind after trying any of these ideas or reading these articles, then the problem may not be the office.  If that’s the case, eat two cheddar cheese goldfish and call me in the morning.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

What do you give to the person who claims to have everything but really doesn’t and you KNOW they don’t?  Yet they think you are stupid! 

Thanks, 

Yogi

Dear Yogi,

To be honest with you, this has to be one of the easiest questions to answer.  But in the spirit of putting a smile on your face, as I often try to do, I won’t give you a one-liner answer.

Most people who think they have everything are missing one very important thing – HUMILITY!  Since humility is something that can’t be purchased, ordered, begged for, stolen or even drawn, the best thing you can give someone who thinks they have everything is a big bag of nothing!  After all, nothing is the cheapest gift you can get for someone who has it all.

When they brag about the material things that’s been handed down to them, do not give them a comment to marinate on.  When they tell an unfunny joke that they stole from a comedian on late night television, do not give them a chuckle.  When they ask you for your advice that they believe is only worth $0.2, do not give them a dime.  What’s left to give?  Say it with me class, “NOTHING!”

And when they open that nicely wrapped gift only to find the contents of the gift box is missing, simply say, “Since you have everything, I figured nothing is the one thing you don’t have.”   And like that empty box, they’ll have nothing left to say.

Good luck with that gift, Yogi.  And be sure to tell me all about their expression when you give them nothing!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

Need advice on the topic of ungrateful grown children who were jealous of each other growing up. Now are only bonding with each other by the blame game. Total target the man who did his best to raise them without their mothers who were not available to give them the time of day. 

Ronnie

Dear Ronnie,

Sibling rivalry is not uncommon on this planet.  In fact, if you grew up with siblings who never competed with one another in any way, shape or form, you’d have probably been considered the weird family on the block.  I know kids who didn’t have any brothers or sisters who competed with their siblings.  Let me give you a minute to catch that one.  They may have just been plain old bored…or crazy.  Either way, that’s a story for another day.

As siblings continue to grow, so does their competing tactics.  It’s only natural that there’s a bit of a jealous streak running through their veins, especially if those siblings were raised by their father.  Single parents have to play duel roles of mother and father.  So instead of digging into the psyche of dear old dad, let’s give him a round of applause because in this day and age, you aren’t going to find too many men willing to take on the responsibility of being 50% of a parental partnership, let alone 100%.  Kudos to you, pops!  You need to get out here and teach some of these other mofos a thing or two!

Now the kids are another story.  As adolescents, they may have been competing for dad’s affection and attention.  But like I always say, giving up old habits is about as easy as eating a single potato chip.  It just can’t be done.  Think about it.  Can you name one person that you know who can eat only one potato chip?  My point is kids don’t remain kids forever.  They grow up.  So what if they happen to be ungrateful, jealous adults?  Too bad.  Sooner or later they have to realize that just about every aspect of their life is going to be a competition and there’s nothing that they or dear old dad can do about it.  It’s the way of life.  Poppa Bear did his job when he raised his cubs and kicked their asses out of the cave.  Now it’s time for the cubs, now bears, to go out to find their own honey, even if it means getting stung by a few bees.

Competition is good; it’s healthy.  And contrary to popular belief, jealousy isn’t all bad, depending on whether you’re the type of person who looks at the glass as half empty or half full.  See, a jealous person can either become a sneaky little criminal who is too lazy, trifling or self-consumed to work hard to get the things that he needs or wants for himself [legally] OR he can be just the opposite and work harder to attain that in which he is jealous over.  It’s up to that jealous person to decide what direction he chooses to go in.

As far as Pops goes, it’s about time that he rests in the comfort of knowing he raised his offspring right.  Always be there for them and trust in the values that he’s taught them.  And if that isn’t enough, rest easy knowing that in about 20 years, those same ungrateful grown children, as you so eloquently put it, will be writing to my successor asking these same questions.  And you can look down on them from the high heavens and recite these glorious words, “I told you so!”

PS, if they’re blaming each other [or other people] for mistakes they’ve made, that’s something that they learned in the streets.  Just like they learned how to play the blame game, they will quickly learn that the street isn’t always the best classroom.  Let’s just hope they don’t have to learn that lesson with a pair of sneakers, a jar of vaseline and a raw steak for the black eye they’d get for not owning up to their own mess.  I’m sure at some point or another Poppa Bear has used the phrase, “You made your bed, now lie in it.”  Sometimes it takes a child to grow up to really understand what the hell their parents were ever talking about.

Best of luck to you and your brood,

Hottywood

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50 thoughts on “ASK HOTTYWOOD!

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