What I Am Not Going To Do in 2019

As we approach a new year, I am reminded of the old saying “new year; new me” – and to be honest, it means absolutely nothing to me! As I have done all throughout 2018 and pretty much every year dating back to that one Thursday afternoon some time back in the late 90s, I’m going to be the same sometime-asshole I’ve always been.

I’m going to have the same inappropriate humor I’ve always had. I’m going to keep eating all the wrong stuff while lying about my frequent gym visits. I’m going to continue to voice my opinions about people that wear black belts with brown shoes. I’m going to keep right on minding my own business unless someone is actually paying me to care about something that does not directly involve me.

I’m not changing my route to a job I’m probably going to be late to every day. I’m not sharing my personal business with anyone at any water cooler. Ever. I’m not returning text messages with phone calls. I’m not getting my hair cut by midgets or pissing off anyone in the food industry responsible for the healthiness of my unhealthy food selections. I’m not going to stop telling little white lies and I’m not going to start caring about people that think I lie too much. I’m not deleting anyone’s number out of my contacts list because truth be told I hardly reach out to anyone as it is.

Though I don’t believe all humans are a total buzz kill, I’m not going to start liking them before 10am and will hold closely my right to not particularly care for them after 10am if I so choose.

I’m pretty sure I still won’t be able to pay my bills with the opinions of others, and no matter how awesome I am (and I’m pretty awesome a lot) I’m still not going to be good enough for someone, so why waste effort being a better me because it sounds good to someone whose standards I’m never going to meet any way?

What I am going to do in 2019 is continue not trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

TV Binging

Dammit!  Whole time I’m sitting here, I accidentally watched 8,523,535 Hallmark movies in a row.  Seriously – I look at the remote control to change the channel, but when I reach for it, it disappears. POOF!  Gone!  When I say screw it and continue watching the movie like any normal lazy person, the frikkin’ remote control returns. I swear it’s even smiling at me.

It happens every time. Every single time.  Weird.

Blurred Lines. Blurred Everything


Holy Mother of Pearl, this day is unearthly long!

No lie, I’ve probably only had about 2 1/2 hours worth of sleep in the last 2 days. The only thing I see in front of my face right now is the same very long, very unnatural eyelash that mysteriously grows faster than any other single eyelash on the planet. Everything else is a blur. I’m telling you, this one monstrous eyelash strand is about as long as a bungee cord. It grows like a chia pet that doesn’t require watering.

While it’s probable that I’m so sleepy I can’t see straight, the chances of this eyelash’s success at finally blinding me are equally as great (which, if such is the case, will now make going to the bathroom in the middle of the night very interesting (provided I don’t trip over something that goes bump in the night, fall in the toilet and drown myself)). That sounds like a whole other story.

Laugh now and get it over with.

-Hottywood Helps

Nothing Compares

You can solve any problem by throwing it to the bottom of a

2 liter Root Beer soda.

…though that has the probabilities of bringing on a whole new set of problems: pimples, weight-gain, Root Beer breath.

I guess we didn’t think this one all the way through, huh? Oh well, someone out there is thirsty, and Root Beer is the quench to their thirst.

Problem solved.

Laugh now and get it over with.

-Hottywood Helps

Don’t be Emma

It’s Monday;  11:15am to be exact. You’re in your 3rd meeting of the day; the coffee pot is near empty, and Emma is being extra. Emma may unknowingly have Elmer’s glue in her swivel chair when she gets back to her desk from your meeting. Emma was [overly] enthusiastic about the morning. Now Emma will be embarrassed for the rest of the day. Emma may never live this down.

Don’t be Emma.

“Laugh now and get it over with.” 

-Hottywood Helps

A Valentines Day Pick-Me-Up for the Single and Lonely

Valentines Day is a 50/50 split when it comes to love, romance and the acts of.  We all know what the 50% of lovers will be doing:  Fine dining at the local McDonalds; wolfing down boxes of $1 store chocolates; and admiring the beauty of last year’s plastic single CVS rose.

But what will the other 50% of Valentine rejects be doing?  They’ll most likely be searching for last minute hookups, bootycalls, dates; buying the biggest bag of popcorn they can find to go along with all of the break-up, thriller and horror movies they can get their lonely little hands on; and trying to avoid phone calls from all of their happily UNsingle friends who are dying to boast about the romantic evening they have planned with their significant others.

Why the hell didn’t anyone ever create a ‘Scrooge’ character for Valentines Day?  I guess that’s just another one of life’s mysteries that makes one go, “Hmm.”

Alas, to everyone who is lonely this year, don’t worry about it.  In fact, consider yourselves lucky.  All of those rent-a-romances who are going out of their way to make this one day magical will tirelessly spend the next 320 days trying to compete with the sparks of tonight, not realizing that those failed attempts will be even more of a let down after the single rose has dissipated, the chocolates have gone to their waistlines and their significant others have started to hit the gym for the seasonal breakups, separations and wandering eyes that the summer months bring.

How’s that for a Happy Valentines Day? …Suckers!