This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!” (Speed Advising)

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Kats and kittens, this week we are going to kill three birds with one stone by doing what I like to call “Speed Advising.” Today we have three questions that I’m going to try to answer in as few words as possible. I could say many, many more words but let’s be honest. It’s summer and I’m being lazy. Deal with it!


Dear Hottywood, 

My girlfriend has been acting different all week (shady and picking fights). I think she’s seeing someone else.  How do I approach this situation without starting another fight? 

Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck,

cheating1Why don’t you try talking to her? Be open and honest with her. Use words like, “I feel,” instead of outright accusing her. If you accuse her of anything, whether you’re right or wrong, you’ll wake up the next morning with all your tires flattened and obscenities scribbled over your windshield in blood red fingernail polish. If you don’t communicate your feelings to her, then you’ll give her a reason to go out and cheat because you’d be proving to her that you’re too chicken shit to be straight up, even if you think it will hurt her feelings or yours. Don’t be a punk. Women don’t like punks, unless she’s a fag-hag. Then you’d either have nothing to worry about or a bigger problem on your hands than you think.


Dear Hottywood,

How do you reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached?

Left Alone at the NON-Alter

Dear Left Alone at the Non-Alter,

NO!You don’t reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached. You can’t (or shouldn’t) force yourself on someone after they’ve made it clear by word or by action that they don’t want a connection with you. Back off! Not doing so may lead to some harsh truths or untruths about you that you don’t want revealed or expressed in any manner. Forcing yourself on someone instantly and automatically turns you into a stalker. It makes someone fear you in a “creepy, I’m gonna get my brother and his boys to kick your ass” kind of way. It leads to restraining orders, broken windows, flattened tires, and deflated egos. If reaching someone who doesn’t want to be reached is worth all that hassle and heartache to you, then go right ahead. But if I never hear from you again, then I’ll know you were hard-headed and refused to accept the advice you asked for. I’ll in turn try my best not to say I told you so, but I can’t make any promises.


Dear Hottywood,

I’m stuck in a dead end job. What do I do?

Water Boy

Dear Water Boy,

Beat yourself in the head with a stapler. The first answer is to look for another job. DUH! You are only stuck if you refuse to do something about your situation. Staying where you are to continue doing what you’re doing while knowing you can do or deserve better is a show and tell of complacency. Stop being lazy and get off your ass to find something else if not better. I would imagine you’re looking for something ‘more/else’ (for lack of a better word), otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered asking for advice in the first place. Use that same effort that you used to reach out to me to instead reach out to some employment agencies that can help you with a fresh start.


GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!


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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I hate it when someone walks into my office and asks me dumb questions like, “are you busy?” Of course I’m busy. I’m at work. Is there an appropriate way to tell someone to go away and leave me the hell alone?”

There Goes My Promotion

Dear There Goes My Promotion,

BUSYI can advise you that telling someone to go away and leave you the hell alone is a sure way to not only lose a promotion but also your job in its entirety. Why don’t you try skipping deodorant for a few days or not brushing your teeth for a week? I promise you no one will want to come near you. With these actions, you won’t have to use any language prohibited in the workspace (“no,” “I can’t,” “I’m busy.”).

Unless you come right out and say you’re otherwise preoccupied by order of God, there’s no amount of acceptable deterring appropriateness that will discourage a colleague from interrupting you for any reason. In the office world, saying the word “no” to anyone or “yes, I’m busy” is laughable, ill-advised and punishable by pink slip.

If you have a private office, you may try barricading your door so no one can get in. The problem with that is you may not be able to get out. You’ll realize how big of a problem this can be when (a) you have to use the bathroom and (b) when it’s time to leave for the day. If by some off chance you are able to keep your door closed for the day with the ability to enter and exit, you want to make sure that whenever you leave your office (bathroom break, lunch break, smoke break, etc.) you do so as clandestinely as possible. This would be a prime time to exercise your ninja stealth skills. Hide behind shadows, slither on the floor like a garden snake, or even trying emailing yourself to wherever you need to be. Be warned, though. Most officemates are nosey as hell. No matter how hard you try to be invisible there is always someone watching you. ALWAYS.

If you have a cubicle, I’m sorry to say you’re screwed. As long as your colleagues can see your face you are available to them. Period.

Your best option is to try my ‘not washing your ass’ suggestion. Good luck with that!

Hottywood

 


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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I think I have a crush on one of my co-workers. The head on my shoulders is telling me to avoid an office romance at all costs (things never go well when I don’t listen to my instincts) while the head in my pants is telling me the complete opposite. What do you think?

Glutton for Punishment

Dear Glutton for Punishment,

Office RomanceHere is a very simple answer to a very simple question. NO! Turn around and walk away, and by walk away I mean RUN! It is never, ever a good idea to engage in an office romance.

Before I tell you the reasons why engaging in an office romance is a bad, and I’m sure these reasons will come as no surprise to you; you should smack yourself on the forehead one good time for seemingly insisting on once again not listening to your instincts. You’re about to set yourself up for a failure intentionally. If things tend to go wrong when you refuse to listen to yourself, why in the hell would you think things will be different this go around? Oh wait . . . I know why. The head in a man’s pants usually makes clearer sense than the one on his shoulders. I get it. I’m a guy so I fully understand. Still, my friend, this has red flag written all over it.

What if your interoffice relationship goes wrong? After sharing intimate details of your life with your romanticized co-worker, all of your personal business could be published in the company newsletter. We’re talking everything from the color of your underwear to the rhythm of your stroke.

What if the results of your work suffer for any reason? There would be no doubt that upper-level management would assume you’re distracted because you brought your personal relationship to the office.

What if random women in your office building start laughing, pointing and whispering as you walk down the hall? Chances are the size of your manhood has been discussed and is in question. You don’t want to piss off the woman you’re sleeping with at the office. There’s no wrath like a woman scorned so you’ll have to become her flunky and do everything she says in order to stay in her good graces. You better be one hell of a hookup because if you’re not you are in trouble. She’ll get tired of you not being what she expects and eventually she’ll dump you anyway because you’re weak – having to do everything you’re told for the sake of your reputation. Work is the one place where no one knows the details of your after-hours life. It’s the place where you have to appear to be a lion, not a pussy. Don’t give up your power for some booty.

What if you get into an argument with your romanticized co-worker during business hours? The tires on your car could all be flattened, leaving you stranded in the parking lot. AAA may be convenient but the wait for their arrival is often times brutal.

What if while you’re making out with your romanticized co-worker on top of a copier machine after hours, all your special goods are accidentally xeroxed and later falls into the hands of the night shift cleaning crew? Your goose is cooked!  I wouldn’t trust any after-hours cleaning crew. They have keys to everything – even your doom.

What if your romanticized co-worker is best friends with your supervising manager? All hell will break loose, shit will hit the fan and your ass would be emphatically fired.

Listen, Glutton for Punishment, if you don’t listen to your own instincts at least listen to mine. Trust me. I’ve taken a cruise on this ship and it is not a trip that should be taken lightly. Stay your ass away from anyone that works in the same building as you. Say good morning and good night and staple everything else closed – your mouth, your penis, your butt – whatever. The only things you should be focused on in the workplace are a promotion and a raise. Not a rise, if you get my drift.

Good luck with that and be sure to keep me posted.

Hottywood


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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I thought I met the love of my life until we broke up yesterday morning, though I expected the end of the relationship was nearing. My heart is broken and I’m having a really hard time letting go and moving on. What do I do?

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina

Dear Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,

The first thing you have to do is realize, accept and understand that you obviously didn’t meet the love of your life. If you loved them that much to give them that title and they didn’t reciprocate, then your title for them was “love of my life” while their title for you was “stalker.” The only things stalkers ever get are killed, jail time and restraining orders – not necessarily in that order.

The second thing to do is remember that your breakup was just a day ago. You need time for your heart to heal.

Sometimes

The third thing to do is stop harping over what was, accept what is and have faith in what will be. Your life isn’t over yet. Just don’t go out and get hit by a bus any time soon, or listen to any Aaron Neville records. That’ll sure as hell kill you.

Aaron Neville

The fourth thing you should do is eat a tub of vanilla ice cream with extra lactose, drink as much liquor as humanly possible and download a lot of porn. It may not heal your heart but your stomach, commode and private parts will thank the hell out of you!

Lactose

Your pain isn’t going to go away overnight. You shouldn’t and can’t expect it to. That’s considered false advertisement. If you expected the demise of your relationship was drawing near and were still holding on, that past love didn’t break your heart. You broke your own heart. Trust the process of healing. Trust the process of porn. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about when I mention porn…I mean healing.  My grandmother always said, “This, too, shall pass.”

If this breakup or any Aaron Neville song doesn’t kill you, it’ll prepare you for the next big thing. Be patient. Get laid. And then get over it. Annie said it best when she said, “tomorrow is only a day away.”


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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

The relationship I’m in with my girl isn’t going quite the way I imagined it would after dating for a number of months. I still like her. I might even love her, but because we’ve faced so many exhausting challenges, I think I’d be okay whether we stayed together or broke up. This is a Catch 22. My question however isn’t about my relationship. I’m already okay with however that turns out. My question is what is a Catch 22?

Thanks in advance,

Boy Don’t Read

Dear Boy Don’t Read

Catch 22_3First of all, Boy Don’t Read, I need you to read something. It’s good for your mind. I sure as hell hope you read this because I’m a lazy mofo and today I’m in lazy mode, but my readers come before anything, even my laziness…well, except bacon…and God…and ass (not necessarily in that order). Okay, now moving on to your question.

Wait, before we begin, let me wish you luck on things with your girl. I’m a big sarcastic sap and I love love. With that said I’m hoping you two can get your shit together and remember why it is you started dating in the first place. Also, don’t lie to yourself. If you’re not happy, then move on. If you’re unsure then listen to my first suggestion and try to remember why you started dating in the first place.

Okay, NOW on to your question.

There is a whole hard-to-understand definition of Catch 22 plastered all over the internet. Instead of giving you a bunch of words and rules that you’ll need a translator to comprehend, lemme break it down to you by saying “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” or “you’re screwed either way.”  That’s the simplest way of defining a Catch 22.

Catch 22 1

  • A situation where a choice comes down to two unfavorable options, and either way is not a win.
  • A situation where you have two possible choices, either of which will have negative ramifications for you.
  • A no-win dilemma or paradox.
  • A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
  • Quite the predicament; where objective 1 cannot be obtained without the completion of objective 2, which cannot be obtained without objective 1, because of a set of often incoherent rules or laws.
  • Heads I win. Tails you lose.

catch 22_2

The term Catch 22 was first introduced in the 1961 novel, “Catch 22” (written by Joseph Heller) which describes absurd bureaucratic constraints on soldiers in World War II. The term, in relation to the book, invokes “Catch 22” to explain why any pilot requesting mental evaluation for insanity—hoping to be found not sane enough to fly and thereby escape dangerous missions—demonstrates his own sanity in making the request and thus cannot be declared insane. This phrase also means a dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.

It’s been suggested that the idea of a “Catch-22” has gained popular currency because so many people in modern society are exposed to frustrating bureaucratic logic.

“Everyone, then, who deals with organizations, understands the bureaucratic logic of Catch-22. In high school or college, for example, students can participate in student government, a form of self-government and democracy that allows them to decide whatever they want, just so long as the principal or dean of students approves. This bogus democracy that can be overruled by arbitrary fiat is perhaps a citizen’s first encounter with organizations that may profess ‘open’ and libertarian values, but in fact are closed and hierarchical systems. Catch-22 is an organizational assumption, an unwritten law of informal power that accepts the organization from responsibility and accountability, and puts the individual in the absurd position of being accepted for the convenience or unknown purposes of the organization.” – James E. Combs and Dan D. Nimmo

“Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

“Heads I win. Tails you lose.” 


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This Week, on “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been smashing this chick for a lil while now, and the more time I spend with her the more I realize how ratchet she is. How do I get rid of her? Breaking up in the traditional sense isn’t working.

Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball

Dear Tied Down to a Wrecking Ball,

ratchetIt’s not uncommon for us men to be led by the heads in our pants versus the head on our shoulders. That’s in our DNA. However when such a thing happens, sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for only to suffer the consequences after the rainfall has dried up. Then what are we left with? Depending on what neck of the hood we’re from, we get a ratchet broad that wears an unmatched bra and panty set.  So how do we get rid of them? I’m glad you asked. Below are nine ideas that are almost proven to drop that ratch-ball in no time. And by almost proven, I mean not proven at all.

Before we begin, let’s look at the Urban Dictionary’s definition of Ratchet.

Ratchet 

A word that people use to call something “ghetto” or the equivalent of “ghetto”.

The irony lies in that 95% of the time, a “ghetto” person is using the word.

Person 1: She so ratchet gurl.
Person 2: Oh the irony.

ratchetlogo

Ratchet 

A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every mans eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.

Typical signs to beware of include, but are not limited to:

  • Owning a Blackberry
  • Blares anything by Drake, 2Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka, Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Cali Swag District, or any other garbage entertainment rapper
  • Rowdily quotes “lyrics” from aforementioned artists
  • Has a weave reminiscent of a bird’s nest after a tempest hit the tree it was in, and is dyed at least thrice
  • Wears torn leggings/stalkings (mostly of the fishnet variety), unpolished 8″ heels (or higher, depending on how God-awful they look), fitted jean jackets (to accent the blubber ’round their arms and stomach), and 4 layers of caked on make-up to go clubbing
  • Repeatedly use ludicrous terms such as “YOLO”, “swag”, “boost”, “beaking”, “doe”, “really”, “naw”, “actually”, “twerk”, “coaster”, “dagga”, etc., to make a valid statement when they speak
  • Have side bangs, despite having incredibly small-ass foreheads to support them
  • Are commonly overweight
  • And are mind-numbingly stupid; a safe assumption to make would be saying they’re uneducated (as if they could pass the 4th grade)

Ratchet 

Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus is ratchet. She thinks she can “twerk” and thinks she is from “the hood”.

Miley-Cyrus-We-Cant-Stop

PERSONALLY I LOVE MILEY CYRUS. Hey Miley, call me! ~Hottywood


NINE WAYS TO GET RID OF RATCHET

  1. Speak in complete sentences. A true ratchet broad will be too lazy to carry a dictionary to understand any and all of your unEbonic words. Nine times out of ten she’ll think you’re offending her intelligence. Be prepared to be cursed out. Curse words are her version of intelligence.
  2. Blurt out “last call!” When the liquor runs out (and the potato chips), so will she. Be sure to blink your eyes repeatedly and kind of fast. It’ll be reminiscent of the lights flickering at a nightclub when the bartender allows all the drunks one last round.
  3. Always announce, beforehand, that you can’t afford to supersize any value meals. You’ll be deemed cheap; and everyone knows no ratchet broad will date a man (or boy) that can’t afford to up the size of her French fries.
  4. Spend more money on her children’s clothes than you would on hers. She may have you jumped by Pookie and nem, but after you heal from your near death ass whooping, you’ll never hear from her again. …well, until school gets ready to reopen after summer.
  5. Wear a suit and tie the next time you take her out to the movies. No respectable ratchet chick would be caught dead hanging out with a guy that wears a suit and tie. He’s waaaaaay out of her league.
  6. Maintain a close relationship with your mother. A true ratchet woman wouldn’t know how to take you if you have respect for a woman, even if it is your mother. If you’re not calling a woman a bitch, then you’re not a real man.
  7. Late at night when she’s good and sleep, wake her up to the blasting tunes of folk music. This will work best if you’ve taken the time to learn the lyrics to the song so you can sing along. By doing this you will immediately lose all cool points and she’ll no longer want to be bothered with you.
  8. Serve her Lipton iced-tea instead of grape soda. This is enough to end ANY relationship!
  9. Don’t return any “special kisses” after she’s done it for you. This may or may not bother her, so use this as your last resort.

I won’t bother to end this post with a clever conclusion because it speaks for itself. But if you follow these suggestions, you just might save yourself a whole heap of trouble.


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,

My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument last night over my attitude. Well apparently to her I had an attitude. To me, I was stressed out, horny and haven’t smoked any Mary Jane in about a week. Now she thinks there’s more to my last night’s mood than I told her. I want to get back in her good graces but I’m fearful that another argument will ensue because of her doubt in my truth. Help!

I Didn’t Mean To

Dear I Didn’t Mean To,

I most certainly can understand your reasons for bitching out on your girl. But I’m a man. Understanding my fellow brutha’s disgust over no ass or weed is in my DNA. It’s in every man’s DNA. Whatever you did, my brutha, I know you didn’t do it.  Continue reading

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Dear Hottywood,

Since a leopard can’t change its spots, can I draw some new ones on it?

Ray

Dear Ray,

leopardSince you haven’t given me much to go on here, the answer to this question is simple. If you want to get mauled by a leopard, you can draw spots on it. The adventure wouldn’t be actually drawing the spots or seeing how the leopard will look with new spots, but rather [the adventure would be] staying alive, because there’s no doubt that mofo will rip you to shreds!

I don’t know too many leopards that would let you get that close. Well, let me be honest. And you might find this hard to believe. I don’t know any leopards.  However if I were to die from an attempt to draw on a wild animal – in this case, a leopard – you’d be the first to know, only I wouldn’t be the one to tell you because my ass would be dead somewhere with my remains being picked over by a rogue gang of hungry buzzards.  HA!

If by chance you are referring to an actual person and are using this “leopard” as a metaphor, then the answer to this question is a little different – kind of and kind of not.  If this leopard person has been living with the same spots for all its his/her days, a little ink isn’t going to change anything but the outward appearance. The appearance will remain the same provided the leopard doesn’t get wet. If it does, then those spots will be washed away, leaving you with what you started with.

Make peace with that leopard. Pet it often but be careful. A wild animal will eventually attack you because that’s the environment in which it was raised. Survival of the fittest is all it knows. Sadly, the same can be said about people. Think about it:  Some women call all men dogs and some men call all women bitches. DOGS + BITCHES = WILD ANIMALS.

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Dear Hottywood,

I have been stuck in a dead end job for about 10 years. I make just enough money to pay my bills each month, but that’s about it. Every now and then I moonlight as a personal assistant to a few indie artists, but I am scared to venture out and do it full time. Lately I have been feeling like I am caught between a dream and a job. Any advice for me?

Caught Up,

Dear Caught Up,

dead-end-jobAs a graduate of a school for the arts, I am compelled to tell you to follow your dreams. If you feel as if you have what it takes to do you your own thing or change career paths, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Your current job is what pays the bills. But are you really content living from paycheck to paycheck just to make ends meet at or for a job that’s going nowhere? That’s both boring and exhausting. Why not go into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars so you can pay yourself to be your own bitch for hire, and eventually hire other bitches to work for you? Going into business for yourself translates into doing something that you love – by choice – not because some old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie (who incidentally gets paid three times more than you) told you to. Fuq him and do you! With a little effort, sweat, blood and tears (a small price to pay), you can be that old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie that makes life difficult for those employees who are too scared to take a chance on themselves. If I’m speaking harshly, it’s only because I want you to be mad enough to go out and make a change for the better. Just don’t come to my doorstep trying to whoop my ass for telling you some real, true shyt!

An important perk of going into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars, or whatever else you may choose to do, is you can be late as often as you like because you are sleeping with the boss. Hell. That should be all the reason you need! Shoot. With that said I just may get up and quit my job right now! Of course I’m not saying this out loud. I’m crazy, not stupid. You should also consider the perks of working for indie artists. I have three words for you: FREE CONCERT TICKETS!

On another note, what are you doing in your spare time? Day-dreaming about following your dreams? Be honest. Doesn’t that sound like a waste of time?

If there’s anything you want to do, even if it’s fart in public without worry, make it happen! You’re worth it. Right? …don’t take that farting thing too seriously – I’m just saying.

Don’t continue letting the fate of your future rest in the hands of someone else. Don’t be scared to fall or fail. Not only does falling and failing build character, it teaches you how to be strong and push yourself. It also gives you the strength to punch anyone that gets in your way. And finally, don’t be lazy. Get off your ass and be like Nike – “Just do it.” Complacency is a trap! And you don’t want to be trapped in a position that’s going nowhere.

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Dear Hottywood,

I took a field trip to the bathroom down the hall from my office only to be disappointed by the fact that the same fat, foul smelling guy has been in there for 40 minutes stinking up the place. A few of my mustache hairs fell out when I opened the door. Is there an appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom?

Up to Here with That

Dear Up to Here with That,

HULK BathroomC’mon man, be reasonable. If you were full of shit, would you want someone to limit the amount of time it takes for you get your pipes clean? I think the rational answer to this question is NO.  Also, NO there is no appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom. What are you, 6 years old?

When you were in grade school, didn’t your teacher give you a preposterous 3 minutes to use the john, assuming you didn’t have to drop a bomb in the commode? And when that teacher gave you those laughable 3 minutes, were you in control of time or did your shit have a mind of its own?

Asking someone to limit the time use of the company bathroom will come back to bite you in the ass (no pun intended) FLUSHthe next time you overload on Taco Bell, Chipotle or McDonald’s. How would you feel if you had a guard standing outside of your bathroom stall with a stop watch? I’m pretty sure you’d feel embarrassed and ready to fight. You’d also feel like you need to look for a new job after having even considered that someone (meaning your stall guard) would joke with his friends over lunch or during an inappropriate email exchange about whatever it was that crawled inside your stomach and died.

If you can’t wait for the bathroom to be free and clear of all bodies except your own so that you can pee or shit in peace and private, then you need to hold your mess and hope your intestines don’t explode or carry an adult diaper, a can of extra strength air spray, a large smell-proof bucket, a change of clothes, and a box of consideration.

Quote of the Week:  “Here I sit broken-hearted; Paid a dime but only farted. Next time I will take my chance; Save a dime and crap my pants!

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so and as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t. We don’t see eye to eye on ANYTHING except sex. When I mention anything about our differences I’m labeled as being “extra” (you know, someone that does too much). Even in private we don’t start off on the same page. I adapted to our communication imbalance, but I think I deserve more. And even though our sex amazing, he’s always the first one “satisfied.” I’ve brought this up numerous times only to receive the following response each time: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? I mean, didn’t you c*m? What’s the problem?”

I keep telling myself – and I keep being told by others – that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse, but I think there is potential for this relationship…maybe. What do you think?

Selfish in the City

Dear Selfish in the City,

IT IS TIMEBe careful not to settle for the wrong reason(s). If you are only happy or satisfied sexually, then it sounds to me that your relationship is or should be labeled as “bump buddies” or “friends with benefits” or some sort of business arrangement that involves free ass and no money exchange. Personally if you ask me, any hooker on the street would slap your forehead for willingly and continuously being screwed without an emotional connection or money exchange. I’m just saying.

You’re not going to settle comfortably with anyone unless you see eye to eye on [most] things outside of the bedroom, back seat of a car, public bathroom…whatever. Do you want to settle with someone who isn’t meeting your needs or entertaining your non-sexual desires? Or someone who always nuts before you? Really? That’s how you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want a Mr. Right or are you okay with a Mr. Right Now(?), because the picture you’re painting is a portrait of Mr. Right Now.

Ask yourself:

  1. Is he the only fish in the sea?
  2. Is the sex that good? Damn!
  3. Is he the best you can do?
  4. Do you think you have no more to offer than good booty?

The longer you sell yourself short, the more complacent you’ll continue to be in this half-assed relationship or whatever you want to call it.

You have a choice: (1) Either you get off your bump and find someone that can meet your expectations of the heart and mind or (2) continue to be screwed by dudes that’s only interested in f*cking.

If you look at it from that perspective you don’t need my opinion or anyone else’s for that matter. You know what you need to do. If old boy is being this difficult, Sweetheart, he’s not emotionally invested.

It’s time for you to be selfish about what you need rather than letting someone else be selfish about what they want from you. If it’s the sex that’s keeping you around, that’s an easy problem to fix just by visiting your local Pleasure Palace and picking up a couple of adult toys. It may not be as satisfying as the real thing but it’ll get the job done while you search for what you’re looking for.

“The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.”

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Dear Hottywood,

I was hooking up regularly with a lady friend of mine. In order to make our meetings more convenient, I never bothered to get my parking pass back from her (residents and guests must have a parking pass to park on the premises of my complex. Unfortunately the leasing office does not distribute guest parking passes anymore). She hasn’t been quite forthright in returning the pass, and has since made quite a few unannounced visits to my house. Even though I’ve expressed to her that I’m not interested in anything more than a casual hookup, she is rather insistent that we are a couple and that 2015 will be our year to make the magic happen between us. I want to keep f!@%ing her, but I don’t want the commitment and responsibility of being in a relationship. I also want my parking pass back. Please help.

Thank you,

Restricted

Dear Restricted,

Go AwayThis is one fine pickle you’ve gotten yourself into. Don’t you know that giving someone your residential parking pass is equivalent to giving them a set of keys to your house? You put yourself in a commitment when you gave her free access to your place, coupled with the regular hookups.

In this lady’s mind, you told her that she’s the only one you’re banging and that she can come over any time she wants because she now has unrestricted access to your community. Certainly (again, in her mind) she’s the only person you’re f!@%ing because no man would be stupid enough to give out his keys parking pass to more than one female at a time if he didn’t think things were serious. When you gave her the pass, she no doubt called all her friends and family and told them to expect wedding bells soon. I can almost bet you $1.00 that you let her keep the pass because you didn’t feel like walking out to her car in the cold to get it back after y’all banged late one night. I could be wrong, but every man has done this dumb shit at least once in his life. I’ve done it three times, personally. This valuable lesson that I wasn’t smart enough to learn the first time cost me $75.00 x 3.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve told her you’re not interested in anything more than a casual f@!k-fest. Your words are irrelevant now. All that matters is that you gave her a parking pass of her very own and pretty much permanently invited her into your personal space, which clearly means the opposite of what you said. Also, it’s not uncommon for a woman to equate sex with love. And if you’re sexing her regularly, you must love her a lot according to the natural order of a woman’s thinking who’s been single for far too long.

If you tried to explain to her your disinterest in a monogamous relationship and she’s ignored your plea, the only things left for you to do is to be mean and snatch the pass out of her car while she’s watching or be slick and do it behind her back. Your final option after retrieving your shit is to bone her one last time, ensuring that she stays over long after the gates have locked and the tow trucks have made their rounds. When she finally leaves your place only to discover that her car has been towed, she’ll be pissed enough never to risk coming back to your house with no parking pass to protect her vehicle, especially if you’ve locked the door after she’s left and immediately sent all her calls to voicemail. It’s a low-blow option with no morals or consideration, but at this point it seems that lack of morals and consideration are the only things that will get through to her since honesty isn’t working.

Just to be sure you got your message across, after you’ve gotten your pass back, banged one last time real good, put her out and became profusely unavailable after her car’s been towed, immediately post a sign on your door that reads something like (and just to be clear, one sign never works. If I were you I’d post a bunch of signs all at once):

BEWARE OF DOG (This is especially effective if you have no dog)

JUST MOVED

JUST DIED

DO NOT DISTURB. THIS MEANS YOU!!! YEAH, YOU!

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT KNOCKING

PLEASE GO AWAY. I DON’T CARE

TRY NEXT DOOR. I’M BUSY

BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS. DO NOT DISTURB

FILMING PORN. QUIET ON SET

NOT NOW. MY EGO NEEDS A REST

Good luck, my friend. I and every man on the planet who has ever gone through this ordeal is pulling for ya. And I’m praying that this chick isn’t a psycho stalker who is now planning your quick and silent demise. If I never hear from you again, I’ll know why.

~Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I hate to bring another relationship issue to Ask Hottywood, but I’m a bit at a standstill. My girlfriend has been missing in action for the last three weeks. In that time I’ve probably seen her three times (once per week), but the pattern is so abrupt. It has me worried that she’s seeing someone else. I just don’t have proof. I can’t shake this worried feeling that our relationship is over. I’ve been trying to be faithful and wait for things to get back to normal, but I’m not seeing any signs of normalcy and am beginning to care less about the demise of what we had that I once thought was so good. What should I do? Is it time to let go and move on?

~Wits End

Dear Wits End,

Don’t worry about what issues you bring to Ask Hottywood. What does Hottywood do? Hottywood Helps, no matter what the issue is.

Trust me when I tell you I’ve been where you are. I’ve been where you are at least five times in my life (five times meaning five hundred), the last being the hardest to deal with. I say that to say I understand that it’s not quite so simple to let go of someone because your heart (and your mind) doesn’t want to allow giving up to be an option. Think about it though. If your girl has been MIA for three weeks, but has graced you with her presence three times in twenty one days, she’s left you no choice but to assume something is up [enter worry and frustration here]. That ol’ heifer.

I don’t want to put any more thoughts in your mind than what you’ve already concocted yourself, but three weeks is a long time to leave someone hanging. Do you deserve that? Is that what you wanted or expected? NO! I don’t necessarily want to tell you to let go however it is time to move on with yourself. And I’m not talking about the right palm…yet. If your relationship with her is meant to be then it shall be. Don’t be a dummy in the process though. While you’re waiting around for her, who knows what she’s doing. Good or bad, the problem is that you don’t know. If you don’t know, that means she’s stumped the communication, which is a problem because if there’s one thing females like to do, it’s talk. So if she’s not talking to you…well, again, you’ve probably already thought about what I’m thinking so I won’t say it for fear of making matters worse. I know how dudes get when their girl or their favorite piece of ass goes ghost (I feel your pain my brutha. Stay strong. New booty is on the way soon if the old broad can’t get her shit together). …don’t jump to conclusions, though, until you’ve given her a fair chance to explain where the hell she’s been. If she chooses not to explain, chances are she’s hiding something. THEN you worry.

Meanwhile, revel in the time you had with her at one point. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst, or at least, or most – whatever you decide – prepare yourself for a new chapter in life. There’s no point in you waiting around for someone who is avoiding you. You can’t read her mind and begging (in my opinion) is not an option. Man up and focus on you. Once all of your attention is back on yourself, either she’ll come around or you will find someone else to hold your attention. Rent some porn; whack off a bit; go lay someone else. Exercise. Chop wood. Who cares? Do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about the one person who can’t or won’t find the time to think about you.

Let me leave you with this thought: “The higher up on the food chain you go, the admiration isn’t just for the hungry, but for the ones that go the extra mile to take a bite.” Chew on that.

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