Hey, let’s face it…we don’t always have all the answers.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Quote of the week: “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”
This week’s HORRORscope is for all of the zodiac signs.
Quote of the week: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have no special skills not involving a broom. However, you are clean every Wednesday.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.
Quote of the week: “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.
Quote of the week: “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Wrong questions get wrong answers.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
Quote of the week: “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.
Quote of the week: “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”
