Hey, let’s face it…we don’t always have all the answers.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Quote of the week: “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”
This week’s HORRORscope is for all of the zodiac signs.
Quote of the week: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have no special skills not involving a broom. However, you are clean every Wednesday.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.
Quote of the week: “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.
Quote of the week: “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Wrong questions get wrong answers.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
Quote of the week: “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.
Quote of the week: “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”
Today’s HORRORscopes goes to all of the zodiac signs. You can thank me later.
Sincerely,
~Hottywood
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Lure the wolf with a hen.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.
Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST
Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
All of your sweatshirts may smell of old pork lo mein.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You can change your mind many times in a thousand years. Well, technically you can’t because you’ll be dead in about 60 years unless you’re a witch, a vampire or Nicholas Cage.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Lying about your age is proof that it is never too late to hire a math tutor.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Never do what you don’t want to do, except on 2nd dates – because that’s just good manners.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt looks like you are trying to smuggle two bald guys across the border.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A river too pure has no fish.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The way you look today is the best you’re going to look for the rest of your life.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
That gut feeling you’re experiencing is not a McDonald’s Big Mac settling on your stomach. Some shit is about to go down. No pun intended. Be ready.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You begin as a 7. After 100 cosmetic products and 3 ½ hours of prep work, you turn into a very temporary 9.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you made someone cum this year, you owe them a Christmas present.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Nothing takes the venom out of a strongly worded email like a spelling error.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your hair may smell like an improperly dried wash cloth.
Quote of the week: “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that make it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You stand for three things: truth, justice and candy corn.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
All of your cantaloupe will end up on the right side of your fruit salad.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Go to your local grocery store and randomly shadow box in the produce section. See what happens.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Be sure not to do anything to attract the attention of baby lizards.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Today may be the day, whether you like it or not, to speak on a concerning recurring and resentful issue of someone’s inability to match their socks with their belt.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You may have to give your seat up on the bus for a blind man and his seeing eye llama.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You have a reason to be about as jumpy as a mermaid at a fish fry.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
This week you will speak as if you are storing a mouthful of acorns.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can totally think of five nemeses more archier than your #1 arch nemesis, and one of them will be wrapped in a yellow boa.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will be to be more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has established a successful career as a parrot breeder.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Everything can be controlled except farts, and the amount of time it takes for a Domino’s pizza delivery…oh and Lindsay Lohan and the shrill of Aaron Neville’s voice.
Quote of the week: “Only trust people who like big butts. They they cannot lie.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Every time you don’t say “thank you” for any act of random kindness that someone shows you, your tongue will burn as if you’ve ingested a thousand baby stick pins and your nails will crumble like old Masking tape.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Someone is likely to beat you up in a parking lot. There is no question about that.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The best way to get your point across today is to speak like a parrot.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Every one of your belches will make a cross-eyed gold fish die. This is your way of giving back to your community.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Beware. You may be attacked by a lonely old office-hag whose renter’s insurance just lapsed.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If a man tells you his real middle name, you are officially betrothed.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are sure to win a Nobel Prize if you can successfully photograph a midget leprechaun doing the Electric Slide on stilts in the middle of an Arizona desert at night while blindfolded and wearing a pinky ring.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to say.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and see how that works out for you.
Quote of the week: “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Paper plates are your best china.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you refuse to let a pedestrian cross in the crosswalk, ten days after November 17th, your transmission will disintegrate, forcing you to catch the bus. Your legs will fall off during rush hour and no one will give up their seat for you on the metro.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are a quick thinker and fast on your feet, which makes you a perfect suspect for a liquor store robbery. Mistaken identity is inevitable. You have no idea what the word inevitable means. You are also a part time moron that never travels without beer and a pocket protector.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will be sympathetic to someone else’s problems. You were one of those suckers born every minute.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It’s bad luck to talk about a skin rash before any forms of foreplay. It’s also kind of gross unless you’re into that kind of thing, which no mortal should be.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
This week you will eat the biggest piece of cake on the planet and there won’t be a drop of juice in the house to wash it down with.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your local 24 hour convenience store will inconveniently close at 8PM tomorrow night.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are logical, practical and weird. Some would define you as boring. They would be right. You relish organization, except in your underwear drawer. Pray no one asks you about your underwear drawer. In fact, forget it even came up.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The mayor of Puppytown is a cat.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Peeing can teach you a thing or two about life. For example, once you put something into motion it is very hard to stop it. See the relation?
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There are two things you’re good at; (1) showing up and (2) eating, which in your warped little mind is a good thing because you usually show up uninvited to parties empty handed.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You have a reckless tendency to rely on booze since you have no talent or enough confidence in people to hope they pretend to find you remotely entertaining, and your favorite colors are paisley and polka dots (yeah, neither is a color).
Quote of the week: “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” -unknown
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will almost find a psychic partner but they will leave you before you meet.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is some crap up with which you will not put.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
In everyone’s life there is a teacher that can be bribed with lunch.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There is a strong chance you may be caught in a love triangle between two guys named Ben & Jerry.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrow’s tax fraud investigation.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
This week, talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
If it is for you it will be blessed. If not, know the signs and purchase a giant sling shot. It may come in handy.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.
Quote of the week: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
