Big Kids/Small Strollers: What the…???

I know I’m going to step on some toes here, but what the hell is the deal with mothers who carry big ass babies in strollers? Babies that are big enough to push their moms around, carry groceries, and mow the lawn?  Are there so many dependency issues that are un-discussed that this blatant baby stroller abuse is exceptional?

Hellooo…ATTENTION BABY STROLLER ABUSERS: This madness must cease! 

I don’t place blame on the super smart children who are clever enough to pull the wool over their parents’ eyes and have them push them around town like programmed robots.  I commend those brilliant little rugrats actually, and wish they’d send me a ‘How-To’ manual.

Who I do place blame on are the oblivious parents who are stupid enough to push around these midgets.

If you parents don’t wake your asses up and make these children walk!  This is the reason why we have loud, rude and obnoxious children running amok inside our local grocery stores, malls and subway stations.  Parents are cradling their children and giving up their parental control even before the children’s evil little minds develop enough to understand the power of parental manipulation.

As a spectator and avid fan of all babies, from the ages of infancy to late toddlerhood, it’s time for someone to take a stand and tell you overly dependent mothers to stop hogging the treadmill and let those babies exercise their legs a little.  Children like to walk.  Something about activities keeping their bones strong…[I don’t know].  Besides, you look stupid pushing around those big little people and I have to admit that people like me are forced to talk about you and exploit your idiocy.

It’s evident that there are a host of “holding ons and letting goes” that parents have to do as part of raising their children: from relating to friends, to going to school, to buying a candy bar, to sexuality, to safe health practices, to driving, to voting, to getting married and having children of their own.  What the parent(s) need to understand is that the phase of letting go becomes easier once they tip the stroller forward and force the kid, who’s probably all of 12 now, to get up and stand on his/her own two feet.  This will teach the child to be independent, confident, strong, and totally not the geek in over-sized glasses who gets picked on and beat up every Friday at 3PM.

The history of strollers extends back centuries in time even before the first automobile made its debut.  There was a time when a baby carriage (as it was first known) was considered a luxury only afforded by those of elite society, who actually carried babies inside the carriages. Today any household with an infant (or a puppy) is more than likely equipped with a baby stroller [cue Tori Spelling].  Over the past few, oh gazillions of years or so, a plethora of strollers have been designed for all different purposes, terrains and activities.

You have your:

  • Double strollers, triple strollers…even your quad seating strollers
  • Jogging Strollers (stroller choice for parents who are serious joggers or runners)
  • Combo Strollers (stroller choice for parents who want a versatile stroller that can be used for their child’s infancy and throughout toddlerhood. This stroller consists of a toddler stroller base and a coordinating infant bassinet)
  • Pram/Carriage Strollers (stroller for taking leisurely walks through the neighborhood with your newborn)
  • Lightweight Strollers (stroller for traveling or running errands since they weigh less than 12 pounds)

But there is not a stroller built for those children whose legs drag the ground as their parents push them, while the kid sends text messages on their Cricket cell phones.

Parents, it’s time to let go a little.  Take a deep breath and cut the umbilical cord already.  If need be, I’ll buy you a damn pair of scissors myself.

Too much holding on and too little letting go and those poor babies will believe that you don’t have confidence in them and they’ll eventually fail to learn from their own trials and errors what they need to know to navigate into the adult world.  They are going to grow up to be needy helpless adults who live in your house and eat all of your food until you’re old and dried up and unable to fold their laundry and spoon feed them soggy Captain Crunch cereal.

Typically when I see this moral code of conduct violated, I don’t know whether to drag the kid by the collar out of the stroller or smack the parent in the center of the forehead for putting that big mofo in a stroller in the first place, but I’m just one person.  If I’m the only one who’s willing to take a stand, then I’m simply begging for a few years in jail or a serious up ass kicking.

What I can do however, is offer a little advice:

There is an excellent parenting book that I stumbled across that deals with this dynamic. It’s available in most book stores.  The name of it is Getting Those Big Ass Kids Out of Those Small Ass Strollers For Dummies.

Make the effort.  Read the book.  Have some courage and let your kid walk.  Truth be told they’re probably holding their head in shame as you strap them inside that baby stroller while they’re studying for their pre-calculus exam.  Cut the cord.  Let them evolve into a capable adult.  Stop making excuses and start making some changes!


Quote of the week:    “Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.”

What We Can Learn From Living in the Hood

Konnichiwa, dudes and dudettes!  Today we are going to talk about valuable lessons learned.  Not just any valuable lessons, but lessons that we can learn from living in the hood.

Many of you may not know that my toilet bowl was not always made of 14 karat gold.  I know, I know.  It may come as a shock to you, but I too, did not grow up with palm trees and rollerblades to get me from point A to point B on the boardwalk.  In fact, my neighborhood was quite the opposite.  But despite the bald patches in the lawns of my neighborhood’s less than grassy pastures, there are a heck of a lot of things that I’ve learned from living in the hood.  And it’s time to pass on my knowledge to those who daringly turn their nose up to some of the world’s most seemingly tainted communities.

Pack your bags kids, because after seeing all that can be gained from living on the wrong side of the tracks, you may just be ready to plan your next trip to a neighborhood where your best bet is to double-bolt the locks on your doors!


Lesson #1 ~ The Value of Discipline and Respect

In any ‘hood’, one of the first two things that you learn is discipline and respect.  Discipline begins with what your parents teach you at home and is usually supported by a thin switch pulled off the closest tree or any belt pulled from whatever pair of pants your daddy is wearing at the time.  Both [the switch and the belt] are enough to keep your ass in check when they strike your behind like stray bullets.  It may sound a little harsh, but it’s a consequence most misbehaved kids have to endure for being disrespectful to their elders…aw hell, being disrespectful PERIOD.  Things like stealing, sassing and lying are most common reasons for getting that ass tapped.  Also getting caught making out in the basement with no adult supervision anywhere in the house (every kid on the planet knows they aren’t supposed to have company while their parents aren’t home) or sparking up a fat blunt are sure ways to reserve a one way trip to WHOOPING WORLD. KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. Luckily, getting back-handed in the lips is what most parents go for today, just to remind their kids of what is to come next.

NOTE: When daddy’s belt is unleashed, run for your life!  When grandma’s switch is swinging, bob and weave. Only be sure to get hit on purpose at least once. The more granny misses with that switch, the angrier she becomes and the worse the whooping is. FYI, if your parents send you out to pick out your own switch, just keep on going.  Don’t bother going back in the house.  Pack a PB&J sandwich and run-away. Don’t come back until you think your parents have forgotten they owe an ass whooping. PS, good luck with that. Parents don’t forget something as important as hopping on that behind!

Keep in mind, though, that in the hood, it’s not just your parents that have all the fun of whooping your tail.  It’s also the neighbors.  There’s a little saying that I grew up with that goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” which to me says everyone in that village has a right to spank you when you’ve screwed up.  Having said that, respecting the rules and knowing your place as a child are the keys for not getting popped.  As you become an adult, you’ll quickly remember the sting of whelps the next time you want to get out of line and disrespect someone.

…AND in case you didn’t know, children are not the only ones susceptible to a spanking. Adults can get out of line and say some slick shit, too. When they do, they should watch out. You never know when you’re going to open your mouth and your daddy steps out, reaching for whatever belt you’re wearing at the time. #PutUpYourDukes


 Lesson #2 ~ Appreciation for the Simple Things in Life

Let’s be real.  Most people live in the hood or the projects because they just can’t afford a better grade of land.  It’s not a bad thing.  The hood has the best parties – that is before the cops arrive to break up the fight that almost always inevitably causes the party to go awry.  But because most [or let me speak of my own personal experience] project dwellers do not have much, appreciation for the simple things is imminent.  Things like:

  • Kool-Aid, the least expensive beverage on the planet…next to tap water, of course;
  • Oodles & Noodles, the cheapest, easiest and most popular dinner choice of all the little greedy kids that selfishly grub on noodle juice at the playground;
  • Cable TV, because it saves money on aluminum foil.  How does it save money on aluminum foil?  Simple.  Thanks to cable TV, aluminum foil is now only used for kitchen duty and no longer for getting a better reception when wrapped around a television antenna.
  • The final piece of appreciation is beer.  On almost every street corner in the hood there’s a liquor store.  Beer is the cheapest of alcoholic beverages and probably the most easiest to get.  As you become old enough to stop sneaking sips of the malt beverage or slick enough to stop paying random dumb adults to purchase your booze for you, you save money on your spirits when you’ve finally graduated to a higher class of associates who like to hang out in nightclubs and local bars.  While they’re spending loads of cash on their gin & tonics and long island iced-teas, you’re saving your Benjamins on bumbers, 24oz and 40oz sized Steele Reserves and Budweisers, leaving you plenty of cash in your pocket to load up on the economy size family pack of oodles & noodles, which will come in handy when you’ve blown all of your money on something completely worthless. Not referring to beer of course. Beer is not worthless. Beer is a culture of the hood.

 Lesson #3 ~ The Appreciation of Music 

One can’t deny that music is a big part of living in the hood.  Granted, you may not hear Mozart, but it is very easy to be reminded of the tribal drums of Africa, thanks to the sounds of particularly loud bass echoing through the speakers of a pimped out ‘hoopty’, usually at the most disturbing hours of the night.


Lesson #4 ~ Social Interaction  

Because there are all types of people and personalities in some of the city’s most questionable neighborhoods, we learn the value of diversity.  As a result of living in these neighborhoods, we are able to gauge the best way to deal with some of the best and the worst people.  For example; bullies, winos, hustlers, hoes, nosey neighbors, crooked cops and Jehovah’s witnesses.

You’d be surprised how these types of people integrate into today’s society and dress up their debatable personalities in the common workplace.  Living in the hood gives you an advantage over when and how to run and duck for cover when you see these folks headed in your direction.

 

 

 


  Lesson #5 ~ Fashion Awareness 

Fashion is the final piece of hoodiology, because no matter what you don’t have [while living in some form of the projects] the one thing that everyone does have is a means to get a brand new outfit to wear to the club, even if that outfit consists only of a spanking white pair of tennis shoes, which nobody better step on if they don’t want to catch a beat down before the last call for alcohol.


So many people misconceive those who were raised on a little bit of nothing; who grew up on back alley streets; shadow-boxed and played street football because they couldn’t afford to attend stadium sporting events; whose credit is bad and who has criminal records longer than some of the wrap sheets of some of Hollywood’s most notable out of control young starlets.  But the thing that they don’t know is that some of society’s most capable people are born and raised right in the crappiest of neighborhoods, where values and responsibility is surreptitiously at its highest peak and free fun reigns supreme.

Never forget where you come from or what you’ve learned from where you’ve been.


Quote of the week:   “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

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HottywoodHelps.com Names Mother and Son as May 2012 Junior Hottywood Artist

May 2012 – In recent issues of HottywoodHelps.com’s Junior Hottywood Artist feature stories, recognition has been given to individual students, church choirs, and school classes. Continuing with the theme of recognizing the most note-worthy of unsung artists, this month’s kudos is extended to a special team – Dequan Kamari Wooten and this mother, Kirsten Williams.    

Dequan, a 6th grade student at Waldon Woods Elementary School, like many children his age, enjoys spending time with his family. He has a passion for sports that is further exceeded by his desire to greet that passion head on, which is what makes his story such a remarkable one.  Like many young boys Dequan dreams of one day making a name for himself in the sports arena. Unlike many with the same dream, the one thing that separates Dequan from other common dreamers is his Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy.  

Born 3lbs 3oz and nine weeks before his expected delivery date, doctors diagnosed Dequan, one half of a set of twin boys, with spastic diplegia just before his first birthday and was expected never to walk. The news fell hard on his parents, more so when epileptic seizures complicated his condition even more.  Refusing to accept the possibility of her son’s inability to walk, mother, Kristen immediately sought orthopedic treatment from the Georgetown University Hospital, Physical Medicine and Rehab Department and HSP Pediatric Center in an effort to propitiate Dequan’s desire for mobile independency. After receiving two major surgeries, he is now able to walk with the aid of leg braces. 

Understanding the difficulty and frustration of not being able to play field sports with his peers, his school coach afforded him an opportunity to help coach the school’s [sports] team(s), broadening his knowledge [of sports] from a different angle.  Kristen saw the joy in Dequan’s eyes from the support he received from his family, friends, school and doctors and continued her struggle to seek additional aid. With her commitment came a ray of hope. Upon the recommendation of doctors, Williams was able to solicit help from members of the Staff Rehabilitation Equipment Professionals group, a leading supplier of wheelchairs in the Washington, DC area.  The group donated a loaner custom made orthopedic bike, allowing Dequan to recreationally pedal freely with his friends, strengthen his gait as an alternative means to daily physical therapy, and most impressively enter into this year’s Special Olympics of Maryland, an organization that focuses on year-round sports training and athletic competition for persons with intellectual disabilities. 

Dequan’s strength, determination and perseverance for living out his dream of being active in a sports arena, specifically his role in the Special Olympics of Maryland, has earned him a spot on the mantle as this month’s Junior Hottywood Artist! 

Albeit what sounds like a sad story has blossomed into quite the opposite on paper, the scrolls haven’t quite fully unfolded.  Knowing that the bike provided by the Staff Rehabilitation Equipment Professionals is on loan, Dequan’s family now finds itself in the middle of a tumultuous battle with an insurance agency to provide financial support of a new custom bike – one that is paid for by the family rather than borrowed from a third party source. Despite the medical experts’ documented acumen for the need for paralytic mobility, the insurance company has denied Williams’ claims multifariously on the speculated grounds that the coverage is for mere convenience rather than ennobling need. 

Not accepting “No” as an option, the arbitrate mother has since spearheaded community fundraising projects to help raise money to purchase the new bike, sans the support of the refusing insurance company.  On Sunday, April 29th she hosted a bake sale in the Clinton, Maryland community and plans to host another one in this coming month. It is because of her industrious effort as a concerned and supportive parent that she is acknowledged as this month’s second Junior Hottywood Artist honoree.     

Kats and Kittens, please join me in a round of applause for the first time ever Mother/Son Junior Hottywood Artists, Dequan Kamari Wooten and Kristen Williams!

 

HottywoodHelps.com Announces July’s Featured Junior Artist of the Month

July 2011 – Guys and Gals, it is yet time to spotlight another hidden talent in the Metropolitan area.  This month’s Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month is none other than Arrington James Lassiter, a recent graduate of Luke C. Moore Senior High School, class of 2011.  

Arrington, 19, has been featured in over 500 dance performances, productions, and events throughout the DMV area, in addition to New York, Florida and the state of Georgia, alongside dance greats such as Arthur Mitchell and Debbie Allen (who once taught at my alma mater, the Duke Ellington School of the Arts) as both a dancer and choreographer.  With such training and experience under his belt, while [currently] performing with the Northeast Performing Arts Group, located in Washington DC, he also teaches children ages 3-10 the joy and art of dance.  

Arrington is not only being acknowledged for his rhythmic accomplishments and contributions, but also for giving his time and talents to children younger than he who shares his passion for dance.  For this reason, HottywoodHelps.com honors Arrington James Lassiter and wishes him much success as he prepares to matriculate at Anne Arundel Community College to further his education in academic studies as well as the performing arts. 

*Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to Arrington James Lassiter for being this year’s 7th official Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month!

Arrington James Lassiter, age 19 Washington DC

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Announcing This Month’s Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month

June 2011Kats and kittens, half of 2012 is almost over and this month HottywoodHelps.com has a new light to shine on another set of bright young diamonds in the rough, the BodyMoves Contemporary Dance Company (BCDC). Located in Fort Washington, Maryland, BodyMoves is a community movement center that hosts a variety of programs for youth, including martial arts, gymnastics, and of course dance!

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the dance group in action as they celebrated their 5th Anniversary Jubilee.  They danced through time and culture on pointed toes and perfect extensions and carried their audience to whimsical places far beyond any theater seat.

This impressive youth group danced like swans to classic rhythms; classical, contemporary, jazz, gospel, hip hop and African dance, with so much eloquence that their talent completely dispeled their age.  “Bravo!” BodyMoves Contemporary Dance Company.  “Bravo!”  I say, to a job well done on your part in proving that the art of dance places no discrimination on age and soul. 

 

*Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to the BodyMoves Contemporary Dance Company for being this year’s 6th official Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month!

-Hottywood

BodyMoves Contemporary Dance Company, Fort Washington, Maryland

Hottywood Helps Announces May Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month

May 2011 – Kats and kittens, five months into the new year and HottywoodHelps.com has decided to expand its appreciation of young artists, beginning with this month’s featured student, Dominique McCoy. 

Dominique is a student at Francis Stevens Education Campus located in Washington, DC. Her hobbies include reading Fancy Nancy books, coloring, playing with dolls and bonding with her brother. She was chosen to be this month’s featured student artist for receiving the honor of having her art work displayed in the 11th Annual Student Art Exhibition, now showing at the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. This exhibition showcases an array of student artistic achievement in the District of Columbia. 

Though many schools participated and hundreds of artworks are currently on display, this month we give recognition to the adorable and charismatic Dominique for proving that there is no age requirement on talent nor art.

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*Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to Dominique McCoy for being this year’s 5th official Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month!

Dominique McCoy, age 4 Washington DC

To see all of this year’s Junior Hottywood Artists of the month click [HERE].

HottywoodHelps.com Announces This Month’s Junior Hottywood Writer of the Month

April 2011 – This month, we are not simply going to celebrate the honors of one gifted student for his/her impeccable writing abilities, nor one school.  Instead, we are going to celebrate an ensemble of youngsters who sing praises to the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  After all, songs are words set to music.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to the Angelic Choir of Second Baptist Church Southwest for celebrating 48 years of lifting up the name of Jesus in song!  

On Sunday, April 3, 2011, twenty-nine gifted and talented youth came together to render musical selections to dozens of witnesses who gathered in the sanctuary of Second Baptist, a community church located in Washington DC’s Southwest district, to commemorate the achievement of another year of the choir’s musical service.  Drums beat, voices lifted, and the holy spirit filled the building as the melodic adolescent group sang, danced and recognized the scholastic achievements of those [choir] members who landed a place in line for this year’s honor roll.  

HottywoodHelps.com chose the children of the Angelic Choir to honor as this month’s Junior Hottywood Writer(s) of the Month because of their dedication, faith and commitment to God’s word.  

In the troubling times that we face now, children have a tendency to stray towards the gray areas of life – but not these children.  Instead of stomping their feet and rolling their eyes at the sound of the word “church,” these children are proudly and prayerfully taking in proper lessons from their parents, pastor and choir coordinators to follow a road promised by a power greater than all powers.  

These children have rallied to say “No” to the fast life and “Yes” to the promised life!  And for that, they are to be commended. 

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*Please join me in a round of congratulations to Second Baptist Church Southwest’s Angelic Choir for being this year’s 4th Junior Hottywood Writer(s) of the Month and the first church [choir] ever to be chosen for this rewarding title! 

-Hottywood

Second Baptist Church SW Angelic Choir, Washington DC

What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

Mixed Messages of Animated Debauchery

We are about to explore some uncovered territory in the form of animated debauchery.  Let the truth be told, I really don’t know who has it worse – kids of yesteryear or the children of today. 

There are so many limitations on what the average drunken, horny or outright imbecilic person can watch on television that the FCC hasn’t bothered to take a look at what’s been viewed on the Cartoon Network or the Boomerang channel for the last umpteen years.  Let’s begin with a blast from the past, shall we? 

< INSERT HUMOR HERE >

THE SMURFS

Smurfette – Everybody loves those blue little rodents that are no bigger than a fungus plant.  But has anyone ever bothered to wonder what the smurfs do for fun?  I’ll tell you what they do for fun.  They do Smurfette!   C’mon.  Think about it.  A hot, feisty, blond-haired blue-bodied female smurf in a village full of men and she has NO competition? 

Why do you think the smurfs sing that La-La-La song all the damn time?  Don’t you feel like singing the morning after you’ve gotten laid?  And where did the baby smurfs come from?  Let’s face it.  Smurfette is Papa Smurf’s #1 bitch and he’s making a killing off of pimping her out to all the other little blue dudes.  And Gargamel keeps attacking them because he can’t get any.  Either that or he’s just trying to shut them up from all that moaning and groaning they have going on in the mushroom village.  And speaking of mushrooms, isn’t that a form of a euphoric drug – kinda like E-pills?  Hmmmmm…  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  Talk about a natural high.  Geez. 

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SCOOBY DOO

Scooby Doo & Shaggy – First and foremost there’s nothing worse than a scaredy-cat dog.  Not only was the Scooby gang too stupid to make a profit off of solving ridiculous crimes, they weren’t bright enough to put Scooby’s ass to work.  I mean seriously, how many talking mutts do you know?  Scooby was an ol’ punk and freakishly close to Shaggy.  They cuddled.  They hugged.  They even drank from the same cup.  Scooby Doo and Shaggy introduced young, impressionable minds to the world of bestiality.  They probably confused more poor kids than they did entertain.  And to be honest with you, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for a Scooby Snack.  And Shaggy was the first person to start that Scooby snack craze; something similar to tainted brownies. 

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SESAME STREET

Big Bird – Big Bird had to be the gayest flamer on Sesame Street.  He was just one big old queen.  His voice was higher than a dog whistle and his body was covered in an oversized yellow boa.  He’d have probably worn high heels if he wasn’t so frikkin’ tall, but hey, that never stopped Dennis Rodman.  Gay or not, he somehow managed to keep his big ass on the red carpet.  Go figure! 

Well Big Bird, the only advice I can offer you is to watch out for greedy chicken lovers.  Cause your sexuality will have no baring on a mofo’s plate if you apply the right amount of flour, grease, salt and pepper.   

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LOONEY TUNES

Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny — Daffy and Bugs are two of televisions most favorite cartoons.  They’re both extremely witty and probably two of the coolest talking animals you’d ever want to be scared to hang out with.  But despite their hilarious practical jokes, crunchy carrots and spit induced clever comments; this competing rabbit and duck act are some very butch cross-dressers.  They’re not gay…well, when they’re not kissing the non-talking – Elmer Fudd – on the lips before running for their lives… 

And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay.  You are who you are, whether you’re a man, woman, duck or bunny rabbit; but I’m not convinced on the cross-dressing thing.  That’s just down right confusing.  And somehow getting a duck or a rabbit to wear 4” heels isn’t helping to make the ‘drag thing’ a catchy phenomenon in the hetero arena, especially when your viewing audience is a bunch of impressionable school-aged kids.  That’s all folks. 

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FAMILY GUY

Stewie Griffin — What can we not say about little Stewie Griffin from Family Guy?  He’s a genius, slightly narcissistic toddler with a deep rooted hatred for his mom and sister; has a bit of a retro racist flare and an adolescent sexual confusion for both genders.  Can you get any more classic than that?  

But despite his hang-ups, one thing you must say about the little bugger is that he always speaks his mind and keeps it real…whether he’s right or politically incorrect.  And let’s not omit the fact that he has got to be the most humorous little thing on TV.  

Now on the flip side, Stewie sends out a message to toddlers who happen to be well-spoken geniuses that it’s okay to be narcissistic and hate everything and everyone that isn’t like-minded.  He also carries all the characteristics of a potential serial killer.  But then again, I guess you don’t have to be a Stewie Griffin for that.  Off the top of my head, I can name about 10 mofos just like that, minus a talking canine companion and a baby stroller.  I guess it’s just funnier in crayon.

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We could probably go on and on with a list of questionable cartoons that we allow our kids to watch that are really no different from 2004’s Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Superbowl XXXVIII fiasco.  

But I guess as long as kids are quiet and out of a guardian’s hair long enough to talk on the phone, skim through pages of a dirty magazine or sneak a few extra cheese curls down their throats, there’s no real cause for concern.  I mean there are only a few kabillion children in the world…a great deal of them with access to television.  Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.   o_O

It doesn’t take 90% of any effort to get started to realize that something’s not right here. 

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Quote of the Day:    “The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.”

Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far

Earthlings, I call to your attention the underappreciated as well as the under-rated fact that we have crept our way through the first half of 2010.  Not surprisingly we have yet to fly to work in Nissan model hovercrafts or teleport our way out of a lie-gone-wrong with a mere push of a button.  

What we have been blessed to experience is the newest line of pet peeves, brought all the way to us from our very own local communities.  Men and women across the nation have managed to raise the bar when it comes to matters of diverse annoyances, laughter and awkward silence.  

If you ever wanted to smack someone in the forehead for something you thought could never bother you, hold off on that idea for a sec and check out Hottywood’s 1/2 year review of the 20 top pets peeves of 2010, so far.   You may find out you’re not the only person who’d be willing to face a misdemeanor charge for someone else’s dumb way of thinking.

Let’s begin, shall we? 

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People who beg for money at the gas station.  Getting on someone’s nerves in a vicinity where there’s a never-ending supply of flammable fluids is never a good idea. 

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When you go out with people and all they do is talk on their cell phone like you’re not even there.  There is no more appropriate moment for an “EJECT” button. 

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People who always complain.  Remind me to study a book of world languages so I’ll be sure no one can have an excuse for not understanding my one dying wish for them to shut the hell up! 

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Waking up to find a boot on your car.  Fingernail files and vaseline don’t really work.  The boot might as as well be on your foot.  Where the hell do you think you’re going with no car? 

You’d better have some good ass friends or a lot of bus tokens. 

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Hang nails.  Worst…hang nails on your toes.  Why not just get stung in your scalp by a swarm of mating bees?  It would be less painful. 

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These young guys walking around showing their dingy underwear.  Seriously, what the hell is that all about?  A wild coyote is gonna  jump out and chase their ass and they’re not going to be able to run because their pants will be tangled around their ankles. 

Not only is this a hygienic concern, there are safety matters to consider.

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People who are always right.  You know you’re wrong for that, don’t you?  The only thing they can do right is get away. 

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Uncle Bernie.  For obvious reasons. 

Underneath all that fur on his face, and the gang-related tattoos, and the wreak of alcohol, and the open wind he calls home — except on Sundays when he comes over to freeload for dinner — he’s a really good guy. 

He’s also single, ladies.

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Females who are way too desperate.  You’re single for a reason, skank. 

Ladies, don’t try this at home unless you have $.99 following your asking price. 

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Coworkers who don’t know a damn thing about computers.   Luckily for you, since creators made this thing called ‘StupidaMouse’, there’s no reason to break all your fingers with a dry-rotted mallot.  This is truly your lucky day!

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When your tank accidentally falls into a ditch.  I hate when that happens. 

“…somehow, I don’t think this will be a reasonable excuse for showing up late to work.”

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When your best friend has thrown you under the bus.   When it comes to karma and payback…

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

… it’s always better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t. 

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When some stupid person gets a really stupid tattoo in the most stupid place on his/her body.  “What the hell were you thinking?”  “Who wants to see that?”  “Were you high?” 

There are a series of questions that come along with this act — beginning with a major concern for one’s self-identification.  #CooCooCooCoo

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Bad ass kids.  I don’t even think a supporting statement is needed for this one. 

We all know those little monsters when we see ’em. 

The secret is to pinch them when no one’s looking.  …so I’ve been told, of course.

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When your coworker takes a sh*t in the john just before you walk in.  This is the devil at work, himself! 

The next time you experience this catastrophic event, run for the hills with your hands waving in the air!  Save yourself!  Red Alert!  Code Red!  S.O.S!  And if you really want to get the upper hand — time their ‘movement’ schedule.  Get into the stall moments before they do, release a family of baby snapping turtles in the commode and flee the scene.  When they sit their stinky ass on the pot…

[Enter your imagination here]

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Women who won’t keep their hair done.  This is probably the first reason why all of your relationships fail.  It’s unattractive and lazy and no one in their right mind wants to be seen with you.  

And I mean that in the most sincere way…

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The mean old lady at work that everyone thinks is soooooo nice but in actuality she’s a spawn of satan.  

Give it up, grandma!  The jig is up. 

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Staff meetings.  C’mon.  Admit it.  You know you’d rather eat a rusted-nail flavored ice cream cone instead. 

How about, “wake me when it’s over,”?

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When someone has brocolli stuck in their teeth.  Though it’s incredibly humorous to see some disgusting piece of greenery hanging in between your teeth, it’s very gross. 

…no, really.  It is. 

Seriously. 

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Number (#)2 Pencils.  Because I’ve still never seen nor know the difference between numbers 1 and 3. 

Am I missing something? 

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So there you have it my peeps!  Hottywood’s top 20 pet peeves for 2010, so far.  Something about these faux pas makes my skin crawl.  And when that happens I just want to load a back-pack full of sunflower seeds and go all ‘drive-by’ on everyone. 

Listen folks, it doesn’t take that much to get your head out of your ass.  For the most part you know what’s hot and what’s not.  And if you don’t, learning the difference is easy.  Getting started is the hard part.  But the good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.   

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Quote of the week:    “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.”

 

THE DAMNED LIST: For Parents With Kids Out of Control in Public Places

 A “DAMN YOU” LIST FOR PARENTS WHO ARE AFRAID TO TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR UNRULY KIDS IN PUBLIC PLACES

 Do We Blame the Children or the Parents?  

Bad_Kid 1You’ve seen them before –unruly children that wreak havoc on us well mannered, mild-tempered people.  They infest malls, grocery stores, restaurants and apartment doorsteps like roaches.  They speak to their parents as if the parent-child relationship roles were reversed.  They scream, kick, pout, and even ignore the hands that feed them.  And what do we do as witnesses to this unprecedented site for sore eyes?  We shake our heads at the parents who are obviously unaware of or simply refuse to grab the little monsters by the collar and stir up a little discipline and respect.  Well NO MORE, I say.  Damn that!  

I know there are many folks out there who would argue that disciplining your child in public is wrong, but if you think about it, if that child is being disciplined at home, they wouldn’t act like miniature ogres in public.  It’s time that we stop blaming the children for their less than perfect behavior and shake a stick at the parents for letting their guards down and not holding up the iron rod that was once so popular back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s when our parents stood proudly for the fight of proper adolescent public behavior.  

So that we’re clear on why I blame the parents for the irrational and ill-conceived notion of letting these children run amok, here’s a list of Damn-You’s that some parents should be ashamed of:    

DAMN THE PARENTS ~ A “Damn You” list for those parents too scared to take control: 

  • Damn you, parents for being too chicken-sh*tted to whack your child on the ass when they put on the pants you should be wearing
  • Damn you for not snatching your children up by the shirt collar to let them know whose boss
  • Damn you for using your inside voice when a leather belt would so much better get the point across
  • Damn you for letting them curse at you like sailors 
  • Damn you for letting them run around the store unsupervised
  • Damn you for not putting a muzzle on them during movies at the theater 
  • Damn you for allowing them to hurl shrimp scampi at my head while I’m dining at Red Lobster 
  • Damn you for not dragging their ass inside the house when the street lights come on

Bad_Kid 3You, parents are the reason why I pinch your child while you’re not looking.  You are the reason most businesses, large and small, are prohibiting youth from entering into their respected establishments.  You are afraid (said in an antagonizing, whiny voice).  You are leery that a stranger will call the cops and cry child abuse.  

Do you want to know what I think about that?  Well even if you don’t want to know, I’m going to tell you anyway.  Because if a child can say and do whatever the hell they want to do to you, so can I!  I say you tell the police to come and take care of the little brute.  You tell them to take their handcuffs and drag the kid, kicking and screaming to the nearest cell and feed them bread and water and take away all television privileges for just two hours.  Hellooooo, it’s called scare tactics.  

Children aren’t afraid of parents anymore.  They laugh when the parental temperament elevates and go back to their little clubs and gangs and compare notes on whose parent is the most yellow-bellied.     

Well I’ve had enough, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s putting a foot down.  

Bad_Kid 2I am demanding that you put your cell phone down long enough to give your kid one good-old fashioned pop to remind them that you are the one who brought them into this world and you are the one who’ll take them out if they don’t learn some manners and respect.  I suggest that you be the one who take control before people like me do it for you.  And believe me that would be a whole new set of problems.  

If you’ve read this article to this point and still seem to be oblivious to what the hell I am talking about, take a look at the video below.  If your child exudes this kind of behavior in public and you’ve refrained from tossing him over your knee like an old church woman during 11 o’clock service at the corner store-front church, then you as a parent are at fault.  Kudos to the child for playing you like a fiddle. 

If you have one of those bad ass kids who have no better respect for their elders and uses curse words to express their inner feelings like the child displayed in this next video, then you as a parent should be beaten with a thin tree-switch.

I rest my case.  After seeing these videos, I’m sure you want to sit yourself down in a corner and either cry yourself to sleep out of guilt and shame or go home and punish your child for all the pranks they have yet to pull.  Either way, it’s time for you to take some responsibility.  You produced the sperm or the egg.  Now produce some results and teach your child to be a better adult than they are a spoiled or bad ass child. 

That’s it cats and kittens!  I think this is the point where I need to make my stage left exit.  I’m sure I’ve stepped on some toes while dotting my “I’s” and crossing my “T’s”.  So I’d better leave before a swarm of angry scardey cats, I mean parents, come after me with baseball bats and rusted pipes.  Remember, my door is always open and I courage you to stop by and visit me anytime.  Anytime before 11am that is.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass.  I promise I will. 

Until next time my little Peruvian unsalted cheese curls, and remember 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Quote of the week:     “If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.”

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