What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

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Mixed Messages of Animated Debauchery

We are about to explore some uncovered territory in the form of animated debauchery.  Let the truth be told, I really don’t know who has it worse – kids of yesteryear or the children of today. 

There are so many limitations on what the average drunken, horny or outright imbecilic person can watch on television that the FCC hasn’t bothered to take a look at what’s been viewed on the Cartoon Network or the Boomerang channel for the last umpteen years.  Let’s begin with a blast from the past, shall we? 

< INSERT HUMOR HERE >

THE SMURFS

Smurfette – Everybody loves those blue little rodents that are no bigger than a fungus plant.  But has anyone ever bothered to wonder what the smurfs do for fun?  I’ll tell you what they do for fun.  They do Smurfette!   C’mon.  Think about it.  A hot, feisty, blond-haired blue-bodied female smurf in a village full of men and she has NO competition? 

Why do you think the smurfs sing that La-La-La song all the damn time?  Don’t you feel like singing the morning after you’ve gotten laid?  And where did the baby smurfs come from?  Let’s face it.  Smurfette is Papa Smurf’s #1 bitch and he’s making a killing off of pimping her out to all the other little blue dudes.  And Gargamel keeps attacking them because he can’t get any.  Either that or he’s just trying to shut them up from all that moaning and groaning they have going on in the mushroom village.  And speaking of mushrooms, isn’t that a form of a euphoric drug – kinda like E-pills?  Hmmmmm…  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  Talk about a natural high.  Geez. 

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SCOOBY DOO

Scooby Doo & Shaggy – First and foremost there’s nothing worse than a scaredy-cat dog.  Not only was the Scooby gang too stupid to make a profit off of solving ridiculous crimes, they weren’t bright enough to put Scooby’s ass to work.  I mean seriously, how many talking mutts do you know?  Scooby was an ol’ punk and freakishly close to Shaggy.  They cuddled.  They hugged.  They even drank from the same cup.  Scooby Doo and Shaggy introduced young, impressionable minds to the world of bestiality.  They probably confused more poor kids than they did entertain.  And to be honest with you, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for a Scooby Snack.  And Shaggy was the first person to start that Scooby snack craze; something similar to tainted brownies. 

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SESAME STREET

Big Bird – Big Bird had to be the gayest flamer on Sesame Street.  He was just one big old queen.  His voice was higher than a dog whistle and his body was covered in an oversized yellow boa.  He’d have probably worn high heels if he wasn’t so frikkin’ tall, but hey, that never stopped Dennis Rodman.  Gay or not, he somehow managed to keep his big ass on the red carpet.  Go figure! 

Well Big Bird, the only advice I can offer you is to watch out for greedy chicken lovers.  Cause your sexuality will have no baring on a mofo’s plate if you apply the right amount of flour, grease, salt and pepper.   

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LOONEY TUNES

Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny — Daffy and Bugs are two of televisions most favorite cartoons.  They’re both extremely witty and probably two of the coolest talking animals you’d ever want to be scared to hang out with.  But despite their hilarious practical jokes, crunchy carrots and spit induced clever comments; this competing rabbit and duck act are some very butch cross-dressers.  They’re not gay…well, when they’re not kissing the non-talking – Elmer Fudd – on the lips before running for their lives… 

And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay.  You are who you are, whether you’re a man, woman, duck or bunny rabbit; but I’m not convinced on the cross-dressing thing.  That’s just down right confusing.  And somehow getting a duck or a rabbit to wear 4” heels isn’t helping to make the ‘drag thing’ a catchy phenomenon in the hetero arena, especially when your viewing audience is a bunch of impressionable school-aged kids.  That’s all folks. 

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FAMILY GUY

Stewie Griffin — What can we not say about little Stewie Griffin from Family Guy?  He’s a genius, slightly narcissistic toddler with a deep rooted hatred for his mom and sister; has a bit of a retro racist flare and an adolescent sexual confusion for both genders.  Can you get any more classic than that?  

But despite his hang-ups, one thing you must say about the little bugger is that he always speaks his mind and keeps it real…whether he’s right or politically incorrect.  And let’s not omit the fact that he has got to be the most humorous little thing on TV.  

Now on the flip side, Stewie sends out a message to toddlers who happen to be well-spoken geniuses that it’s okay to be narcissistic and hate everything and everyone that isn’t like-minded.  He also carries all the characteristics of a potential serial killer.  But then again, I guess you don’t have to be a Stewie Griffin for that.  Off the top of my head, I can name about 10 mofos just like that, minus a talking canine companion and a baby stroller.  I guess it’s just funnier in crayon.

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We could probably go on and on with a list of questionable cartoons that we allow our kids to watch that are really no different from 2004’s Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Superbowl XXXVIII fiasco.  

But I guess as long as kids are quiet and out of a guardian’s hair long enough to talk on the phone, skim through pages of a dirty magazine or sneak a few extra cheese curls down their throats, there’s no real cause for concern.  I mean there are only a few kabillion children in the world…a great deal of them with access to television.  Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.   o_O

It doesn’t take 90% of any effort to get started to realize that something’s not right here. 

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Quote of the Day:    “The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.”

Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far

Earthlings, I call to your attention the underappreciated as well as the under-rated fact that we have crept our way through the first half of 2010.  Not surprisingly we have yet to fly to work in Nissan model hovercrafts or teleport our way out of a lie-gone-wrong with a mere push of a button.  

What we have been blessed to experience is the newest line of pet peeves, brought all the way to us from our very own local communities.  Men and women across the nation have managed to raise the bar when it comes to matters of diverse annoyances, laughter and awkward silence.  

If you ever wanted to smack someone in the forehead for something you thought could never bother you, hold off on that idea for a sec and check out Hottywood’s 1/2 year review of the 20 top pets peeves of 2010, so far.   You may find out you’re not the only person who’d be willing to face a misdemeanor charge for someone else’s dumb way of thinking.

Let’s begin, shall we? 

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People who beg for money at the gas station.  Getting on someone’s nerves in a vicinity where there’s a never-ending supply of flammable fluids is never a good idea. 

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When you go out with people and all they do is talk on their cell phone like you’re not even there.  There is no more appropriate moment for an “EJECT” button. 

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People who always complain.  Remind me to study a book of world languages so I’ll be sure no one can have an excuse for not understanding my one dying wish for them to shut the hell up! 

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Waking up to find a boot on your car.  Fingernail files and vaseline don’t really work.  The boot might as as well be on your foot.  Where the hell do you think you’re going with no car? 

You’d better have some good ass friends or a lot of bus tokens. 

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Hang nails.  Worst…hang nails on your toes.  Why not just get stung in your scalp by a swarm of mating bees?  It would be less painful. 

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These young guys walking around showing their dingy underwear.  Seriously, what the hell is that all about?  A wild coyote is gonna  jump out and chase their ass and they’re not going to be able to run because their pants will be tangled around their ankles. 

Not only is this a hygienic concern, there are safety matters to consider.

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People who are always right.  You know you’re wrong for that, don’t you?  The only thing they can do right is get away. 

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Uncle Bernie.  For obvious reasons. 

Underneath all that fur on his face, and the gang-related tattoos, and the wreak of alcohol, and the open wind he calls home — except on Sundays when he comes over to freeload for dinner — he’s a really good guy. 

He’s also single, ladies.

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Females who are way too desperate.  You’re single for a reason, skank. 

Ladies, don’t try this at home unless you have $.99 following your asking price. 

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Coworkers who don’t know a damn thing about computers.   Luckily for you, since creators made this thing called ‘StupidaMouse’, there’s no reason to break all your fingers with a dry-rotted mallot.  This is truly your lucky day!

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When your tank accidentally falls into a ditch.  I hate when that happens. 

“…somehow, I don’t think this will be a reasonable excuse for showing up late to work.”

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When your best friend has thrown you under the bus.   When it comes to karma and payback…

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

… it’s always better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t. 

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When some stupid person gets a really stupid tattoo in the most stupid place on his/her body.  “What the hell were you thinking?”  “Who wants to see that?”  “Were you high?” 

There are a series of questions that come along with this act — beginning with a major concern for one’s self-identification.  #CooCooCooCoo

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Bad ass kids.  I don’t even think a supporting statement is needed for this one. 

We all know those little monsters when we see ’em. 

The secret is to pinch them when no one’s looking.  …so I’ve been told, of course.

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When your coworker takes a sh*t in the john just before you walk in.  This is the devil at work, himself! 

The next time you experience this catastrophic event, run for the hills with your hands waving in the air!  Save yourself!  Red Alert!  Code Red!  S.O.S!  And if you really want to get the upper hand — time their ‘movement’ schedule.  Get into the stall moments before they do, release a family of baby snapping turtles in the commode and flee the scene.  When they sit their stinky ass on the pot…

[Enter your imagination here]

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Women who won’t keep their hair done.  This is probably the first reason why all of your relationships fail.  It’s unattractive and lazy and no one in their right mind wants to be seen with you.  

And I mean that in the most sincere way…

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The mean old lady at work that everyone thinks is soooooo nice but in actuality she’s a spawn of satan.  

Give it up, grandma!  The jig is up. 

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Staff meetings.  C’mon.  Admit it.  You know you’d rather eat a rusted-nail flavored ice cream cone instead. 

How about, “wake me when it’s over,”?

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When someone has brocolli stuck in their teeth.  Though it’s incredibly humorous to see some disgusting piece of greenery hanging in between your teeth, it’s very gross. 

…no, really.  It is. 

Seriously. 

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Number (#)2 Pencils.  Because I’ve still never seen nor know the difference between numbers 1 and 3. 

Am I missing something? 

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So there you have it my peeps!  Hottywood’s top 20 pet peeves for 2010, so far.  Something about these faux pas makes my skin crawl.  And when that happens I just want to load a back-pack full of sunflower seeds and go all ‘drive-by’ on everyone. 

Listen folks, it doesn’t take that much to get your head out of your ass.  For the most part you know what’s hot and what’s not.  And if you don’t, learning the difference is easy.  Getting started is the hard part.  But the good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.   

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Quote of the week:    “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.”

 

THE DAMNED LIST: For Parents With Kids Out of Control in Public Places

 A “DAMN YOU” LIST FOR PARENTS WHO ARE AFRAID TO TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR UNRULY KIDS IN PUBLIC PLACES

 Do We Blame the Children or the Parents?  

Bad_Kid 1You’ve seen them before –unruly children that wreak havoc on us well mannered, mild-tempered people.  They infest malls, grocery stores, restaurants and apartment doorsteps like roaches.  They speak to their parents as if the parent-child relationship roles were reversed.  They scream, kick, pout, and even ignore the hands that feed them.  And what do we do as witnesses to this unprecedented site for sore eyes?  We shake our heads at the parents who are obviously unaware of or simply refuse to grab the little monsters by the collar and stir up a little discipline and respect.  Well NO MORE, I say.  Damn that!  

I know there are many folks out there who would argue that disciplining your child in public is wrong, but if you think about it, if that child is being disciplined at home, they wouldn’t act like miniature ogres in public.  It’s time that we stop blaming the children for their less than perfect behavior and shake a stick at the parents for letting their guards down and not holding up the iron rod that was once so popular back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s when our parents stood proudly for the fight of proper adolescent public behavior.  

So that we’re clear on why I blame the parents for the irrational and ill-conceived notion of letting these children run amok, here’s a list of Damn-You’s that some parents should be ashamed of:    

DAMN THE PARENTS ~ A “Damn You” list for those parents too scared to take control: 

  • Damn you, parents for being too chicken-sh*tted to whack your child on the ass when they put on the pants you should be wearing
  • Damn you for not snatching your children up by the shirt collar to let them know whose boss
  • Damn you for using your inside voice when a leather belt would so much better get the point across
  • Damn you for letting them curse at you like sailors 
  • Damn you for letting them run around the store unsupervised
  • Damn you for not putting a muzzle on them during movies at the theater 
  • Damn you for allowing them to hurl shrimp scampi at my head while I’m dining at Red Lobster 
  • Damn you for not dragging their ass inside the house when the street lights come on

Bad_Kid 3You, parents are the reason why I pinch your child while you’re not looking.  You are the reason most businesses, large and small, are prohibiting youth from entering into their respected establishments.  You are afraid (said in an antagonizing, whiny voice).  You are leery that a stranger will call the cops and cry child abuse.  

Do you want to know what I think about that?  Well even if you don’t want to know, I’m going to tell you anyway.  Because if a child can say and do whatever the hell they want to do to you, so can I!  I say you tell the police to come and take care of the little brute.  You tell them to take their handcuffs and drag the kid, kicking and screaming to the nearest cell and feed them bread and water and take away all television privileges for just two hours.  Hellooooo, it’s called scare tactics.  

Children aren’t afraid of parents anymore.  They laugh when the parental temperament elevates and go back to their little clubs and gangs and compare notes on whose parent is the most yellow-bellied.     

Well I’ve had enough, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s putting a foot down.  

Bad_Kid 2I am demanding that you put your cell phone down long enough to give your kid one good-old fashioned pop to remind them that you are the one who brought them into this world and you are the one who’ll take them out if they don’t learn some manners and respect.  I suggest that you be the one who take control before people like me do it for you.  And believe me that would be a whole new set of problems.  

If you’ve read this article to this point and still seem to be oblivious to what the hell I am talking about, take a look at the video below.  If your child exudes this kind of behavior in public and you’ve refrained from tossing him over your knee like an old church woman during 11 o’clock service at the corner store-front church, then you as a parent are at fault.  Kudos to the child for playing you like a fiddle. 

If you have one of those bad ass kids who have no better respect for their elders and uses curse words to express their inner feelings like the child displayed in this next video, then you as a parent should be beaten with a thin tree-switch.

I rest my case.  After seeing these videos, I’m sure you want to sit yourself down in a corner and either cry yourself to sleep out of guilt and shame or go home and punish your child for all the pranks they have yet to pull.  Either way, it’s time for you to take some responsibility.  You produced the sperm or the egg.  Now produce some results and teach your child to be a better adult than they are a spoiled or bad ass child. 

That’s it cats and kittens!  I think this is the point where I need to make my stage left exit.  I’m sure I’ve stepped on some toes while dotting my “I’s” and crossing my “T’s”.  So I’d better leave before a swarm of angry scardey cats, I mean parents, come after me with baseball bats and rusted pipes.  Remember, my door is always open and I courage you to stop by and visit me anytime.  Anytime before 11am that is.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass.  I promise I will. 

Until next time my little Peruvian unsalted cheese curls, and remember 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Quote of the week:     “If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.”

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