Are Blind Dates Worth the Trouble?

My dear, poor, unsuspecting friends; we need to have a little chat about something we all know about but are sometimes too shy (or embarrassed) to discuss.  BLIND DATES.

Blind dates are not always all bad.  They’re not always all good either – unless you have a horse shoe up your ass – but most people aren’t that lucky (unless you consider having a horse shoe up your ass lucky at all).  So today we’re going to discuss a few key signs that indicate if you’re on your way to a successful blind date or something that’s quite the opposite.

THE INITIAL CONVERSATION 

Every blind date begins with a series of simple telephone conversations (or in this day and age, email, instant or text messages).  Whatever the case, these are typical introductory conversations where both parties try to paint beautiful pictures of themselves with washable paint.  Don’t be fooled by the initial blind date pre-face convo.  Whether over the phone or on paper, this potential person may sound like you just want to stick them in your back pocket.  The voice coming from the other end of the receiver or the other side of the computer screen gives you a false sense of hope, expectation, and anticipation for something that would be no less better than wolfing down a liter of flat soda and a stale bag of popcorn.

In a nutshell, this convo is usually a set up for a major let down.  However, the initial conversation will probably be the highlight of the date itself.  Stick around and you’ll find out why.

MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME 

Meeting that blind date for the first time is the moment of do or die.  There’s a part of you that knows if you don’t go through with ringing the door bell or opening the front door for that “potential could-be,” you’ll kick yourself in the shin for depriving yourself of something that could be a sure thing.  However, you could also be introducing yourself to a big bag of shame.  Always keep in mind that in this very moment, you are either in for a few hours of great fun, conversation and company, or a seemingly endless amount of boredom, acute disgust, and/or ideas for revenge for the idiot who thought you and this non-date-worthy schmuck would be a match made in heaven.

Whether you’re pleased with the view from the outer exterior of the person you’ll be sharing the next few hours with or not, you’ve only come upon the first test.  There’s still a small inspection that must take place that will dictate this person’s character a little more than the fluffy initial conversation(s) you may have shared prior to meeting for the first time.

Below are a few tips that will shed some light on the person’s consideration of self, company or situation.  These tips tell how this person sees him/herself and in some cases, their relationships.

  • If you step on a pile of potato chip crumbs somewhere between the living room and the dining room, chances are this person is a pure slob who doesn’t know how to keep house.  They also can’t keep secrets and surely has something hiding in the closet, just waiting to fall out.
  • If there are piles of bread crumbs on the dining room table, keep an eye out for ants.  Where there are crumbs, there are ants.  Either your date is one trifling mofo (motherf*cker) who simply lets the chips fall where they may (metaphorically and literally) or you’re going to be charged extra for bringing a pig to the restaurant instead of a person who knows how to eat respectably and excuse themselves from the table when it comes time to fart before the after-dinner mints.
  • If there are onion peels on the dining room floor, your date will most likely have a problem with personal hygiene.  It’s a proven fact in a book that hasn’t been written yet that onion peels equate to having a closeted funky underarm problem.  Or worse.  An underarm odor in places other than the underarms!
  • If your date utilizes any time telling you about past surgeries, hospital visits or major or minor ailments, they’re probably crazy and you’d do better to run for the border now.  If you’ve never believed it before, believe now that misery is happiest when it has company!

AFTER DINNER KISS

By the time dinner has concluded, your ears have probably bled from all of the listening to nothing you’ve indulged in over the course of the last couple of hours.  Either that or your eyeballs have fallen out of their sockets because you didn’t want anyone to notice how embarrassed you were to be in the company of someone who is obviously below your standards.  Hell, below anyone’s standards! 

The bottom line is though you’re at the end of the date, believe it or not, the catastrophe has only just begun.  You’ve now come to the point of needing to figure out one good reason to bypass the good night kiss.  This usually happens somewhere around the invitation back inside for a nightcap, cup of coffee, or…you guessed it, crunchy cheese curls.  Now if you were smart, you would’ve been thinking about an excuse the moment all your hopes and dreams were shattered when you saw your date for the very first time.

Never go out on a date — first or otherwise — without having a good reason for skipping over the good night kiss; even if it means stopping by your local novelty shop first, to pick up a pack of ass-breath chewing gum.

You always have three options to get out of the good night kiss; (1) come up with a good lie or excuse for not kissing at all (which we’ve covered in the previous paragraph) before meeting up with the date; (2) rip your lips off completely (which isn’t most likely, otherwise you’d be just as f*cked up as your date); or (3) sew your lips together with needle and thread.  Honestly, you’d kill two birds with one stone by stitching your lips together.  By using such a dramatic force of act, what you’d actually be saying (or implying since your lips would be sealed shut) is, “I don’t want to kiss you and I don’t want to discuss why the hell I don’t want your lips touching mine.”  It’s simple and to the point.  It may not be very nice, but who cares?  You know damn well that you have no intention of seeing this person ever again, so manners aren’t necessary.

Now let’s recap.  How can you tell if your blind date is aiming for a nose-dive straight to hell?  Notice the table crumbs, critter infestations, framed hospital photos, onion peels, table manners, chappage of the lips (yes, I made up a word)  and finally the conversation or lack thereof.

Peeping out a bad blind date isn’t that hard to do.  The signs smack you in the face like a heat wave.  You just have to know what to look for, or at least know how much you’re willing to take before you abandon the date altogether to go play in oncoming traffic.


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The Relationship Quiz

It’s never easy to accept when a relationship is over, whether you are effected by the disruption or the cause of it.  Luckily for you,

Hottywood Helps! 

This little quiz will help you to realize how much BS you are able to endure from your mate before finally packing your overnight bag and running for the border.

Be warned that the truth hurts, but in the end hurt never felt so good.

When you are tired of hearing the sound of your mate’s voice, do you:

  1. Spend all your time in the bathroom flushing the toilet repeatedly to drown out your partner’s voice?
  2. Remove all the writing utensils from the house and then tell your partner to write down everything it is they have to say?
  3. Resort to a telephone call using sign language?
  4. Threaten to never have sex with your partner again if they don’t shut up?
  5. Suffocate them with a bunch of Safeway bags?
  6. None of the above.  No one will date me.

When you stop trusting your partner, do you:

  1. Replace every telephone number in their address book with that of the city morgue?
  2. Eat a spoonful of quick drying cement, French kiss them and become permanently joined at the lips?
  3. Cheat on your mate with as many people as you can in an effort to be an even bigger whore than you believe them to be?
  4. Put caramel in the seat of all of their underwear?
  5. Eat a bag of Funyons just before it’s time to do the grown up?
  6. None of the above.  My mate dumped me for a midget gypsy pole dancer.

When your partner makes goo-goo eyes at the restaurant waiter/waitress for an extra free basket of bread, do you:

  1. Get the server fired by insisting to the restaurant manager that the particular server stars in a recurring role of ‘America’s Next Top Pimp’s Bitch’?
  2. Jump in your partner’s lap and dry hump them during the dessert course?
  3. Blindfold your partner with a handful of burnt spaghetti?
  4. Openly discuss the furry mole that’s growing around your partner’s waxed nipples?
  5. Order the most expensive thing on the menu [to-go], then end the relationship dramatically while stiffing your partner for the bill.
  6. None of the above.  My partner can no longer eat solid foods because I broke his/her jaw bone the last time he/she flirted with someone else.

If your partner perceives you as a moron, is it because you:

  1. Don’t know the telephone number for 9-1-1?
  2. Own a drawer full of the same pairs of mismatched socks?
  3. April Fool’s Day jokes are played on you every day?
  4. Attempt to pay your speeding tickets with an EBT card?
  5. Can never find ‘To Wong Fu’ on the Chinese take-out menu?
  6. None of the above.  My mate is just as much of a moron as I am.

You are probably not relationship material if you:

  1. Communicate with the voices in your head more than you do with actual people.
  2. Think a third wheel in a relationship has anything to do with a tricycle.
  3. Would rather make love while watching a Dominos Pizza commercial rather than a skin flick with the words ‘Butts, Boobs and Butternut Squash’ in the title.
  4. Think Dorothy was a genius for walking into a forest full of lions, tigers and bears.
  5. Believe the shortest month of the year would not be so short if it wore high heels.
  6. None of the above.  The cleavage on my back seems to be a real turn-off to people so I already I’ll never be considered as relationship material.

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I think I have a crush on one of my co-workers. The head on my shoulders is telling me to avoid an office romance at all costs (things never go well when I don’t listen to my instincts) while the head in my pants is telling me the complete opposite. What do you think?

Glutton for Punishment

Dear Glutton for Punishment,

Office RomanceHere is a very simple answer to a very simple question. NO! Turn around and walk away, and by walk away I mean RUN! It is never, ever a good idea to engage in an office romance.

Before I tell you the reasons why engaging in an office romance is a bad, and I’m sure these reasons will come as no surprise to you; you should smack yourself on the forehead one good time for seemingly insisting on once again not listening to your instincts. You’re about to set yourself up for a failure intentionally. If things tend to go wrong when you refuse to listen to yourself, why in the hell would you think things will be different this go around? Oh wait . . . I know why. The head in a man’s pants usually makes clearer sense than the one on his shoulders. I get it. I’m a guy so I fully understand. Still, my friend, this has red flag written all over it.

What if your interoffice relationship goes wrong? After sharing intimate details of your life with your romanticized co-worker, all of your personal business could be published in the company newsletter. We’re talking everything from the color of your underwear to the rhythm of your stroke.

What if the results of your work suffer for any reason? There would be no doubt that upper-level management would assume you’re distracted because you brought your personal relationship to the office.

What if random women in your office building start laughing, pointing and whispering as you walk down the hall? Chances are the size of your manhood has been discussed and is in question. You don’t want to piss off the woman you’re sleeping with at the office. There’s no wrath like a woman scorned so you’ll have to become her flunky and do everything she says in order to stay in her good graces. You better be one hell of a hookup because if you’re not you are in trouble. She’ll get tired of you not being what she expects and eventually she’ll dump you anyway because you’re weak – having to do everything you’re told for the sake of your reputation. Work is the one place where no one knows the details of your after-hours life. It’s the place where you have to appear to be a lion, not a pussy. Don’t give up your power for some booty.

What if you get into an argument with your romanticized co-worker during business hours? The tires on your car could all be flattened, leaving you stranded in the parking lot. AAA may be convenient but the wait for their arrival is often times brutal.

What if while you’re making out with your romanticized co-worker on top of a copier machine after hours, all your special goods are accidentally xeroxed and later falls into the hands of the night shift cleaning crew? Your goose is cooked!  I wouldn’t trust any after-hours cleaning crew. They have keys to everything – even your doom.

What if your romanticized co-worker is best friends with your supervising manager? All hell will break loose, shit will hit the fan and your ass would be emphatically fired.

Listen, Glutton for Punishment, if you don’t listen to your own instincts at least listen to mine. Trust me. I’ve taken a cruise on this ship and it is not a trip that should be taken lightly. Stay your ass away from anyone that works in the same building as you. Say good morning and good night and staple everything else closed – your mouth, your penis, your butt – whatever. The only things you should be focused on in the workplace are a promotion and a raise. Not a rise, if you get my drift.

Good luck with that and be sure to keep me posted.

Hottywood


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A Historic Leap Year Bedtime Story: You’ve Got to Pay to Play

Fellas, today is the one day that you really don’t want to wear deodorant – especially if you’re single or once hooked up with a woman who saw hearts on your nipples instead of androgenic hair.

History deems February 29th as the day when any three-eyed bearded woman, whose weight happens to be more than a double-trunked compact automobile, is allowed to pursue any man of her desire relentlessly for 24 hours and beat the hell out of him until he agrees to marry her.  Refusal of the proposed nuptuals would come at a price.

The tale began some time in 5th century Ireland, when a desperate wench in the heat of unbridled passion finally asked the question to her then inamorato, “What’s love got to do with it?”, which [arguably] later inspired Tina Turner’s 1984 hit single “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”  

The wench, very generous with her “jewelry box,” was pretty pissed off at her gentlemen caller for hooking up with her for her booty without taking up interest in asking for her hand in marriage.  Tired of being labeled a harlot, one night while wrapped in the arms of her philanderer, she finally complained of the sexual unfairness.  Much like today, the man friend spoke from his head in the southern region rather than the northern, and finally relented to set aside February 29th as the day the harlot would be allowed the right to ask for his hand in marriage.  As years passed and their relationship dissipated, four years succeeding their emotionless relations the moll took the sir up on his offer, not discerning the family he had since started with another woman of whom he’d developed genuine feelings for.

The harlot, who had not heard from her ex mister in a few turns of a set of 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds, tracked down her old beau to insist that he honor the promise he made to her in the bed where they lay one February night four calendars passed.  She had ridden a mule to the gentleman’s manor and hid behind a tall horse in a backyard stable with unsubtle patience, awaiting his bride to leave the grounds with their young.  Once the beau was left alone in the abode, she entered the estate, stripped him of his clothes as any honorable 5th century hooker would, and screwed him silly.  With each pelvic thrust upon his, she reminded him of the promise he made to her four years preceding that moment of conscripted fornication.  Now, being a faithful gentleman betrothed to the woman who bore his namesake, the former gigolo refused the harlot’s proposal.  Luckily for him, this woman was scorned in the 5th century and not in present day time.  Although the history of this tale is not completely substantiated, it is rumored that once the proposal was rejected, the harlot forced a razor to the gentleman’s neck and demanded that he repay her heartbreak with a final [tongue] kiss, a silk dress or a pair of gloves.

…talk about a cheap date.

Since then, February 29th has been associated with the day where a woman can be a butch for 24 hours and ask for a man’s hand in marriage or make him pay a penalty for [the proposal] rejection, which if you ask me is a win-win for the woman.  Who’s being unfair now?


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What Valentine’s Day is All About

Today is Valentine’s Day – the day for spouses and fornicating significant others and side pieces and online sex hook uppers. Today is the day when 90% of the planet’s population get cavities or lose their teeth altogether; when cupids all over the world are gunned down by water guns filled with bleach or B.B. guns loaded with anthrax coated pellets; when dogs in residential neighborhoods hop the fences of their backyards to hump any bitch with four legs; when single people hide under rocks or disconnect their cell phones or purposely not log onto FaceBook.

To some people today is the day of love, romance, sugar, spice and everything replicated on the all-Triple X channel (which of course means humping until you drop). To others it’s the day they are reminded their sex appeal lacks what it needs to get them laid.

Whatever today is for you, make the most of it. Celebrate your love – even the ones you rent by the hour. Feel yourself up if you don’t have anyone to share this day with, and eat a lot of chocolate.

Because everybody knows Valentine’s Day means nothing at all without chocolate.



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The Booty Call Agreement

So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money.  Did you miss something?  Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship.  News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping.  This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love.  We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class.  Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit.  It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single.  Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed).  The sex may have been great last night.  It may have been even greater this  morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’.  However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire.   After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading.  So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A)  You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing.  That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B)  They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C)  What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement.  It’s a binding contract.  It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out.  They’ll be back.  They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are.  At this point, you have the upper hand.


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Honey, It’s Not You. It’s Me: The Scientific Truth Behind Morning Wood

Ladies,

Not TonightI’m going to do you a favor and hip you to some 411. You are not as sexy as you think you are first thing in the morning. Don’t get me wrong. Wearing over-sized pink rollers with your head wrapped in the filthiest sheer scarf you can find may turn some men on. Morning breath may turn some men on. Those men are weird. But not all men are weird…all the time. And contrary to popular belief, not all men are horny when they wake up. …well, again, not all the time.

Usually, when you ladies wake up in the morning and are stabbed in the nape of your back from your beau’s jimmie, I’m sorry to say, it has nothing to do with your unflattering scarf and crinkled neck hair.  It has everything to do with nocturnal penile tumescence, or morning wood, as some would so eloquently refer to it. Nocturnal penile tumescence is a spontaneous erection of the penis during sleep or when waking up. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience nocturnal penile tumescence, usually three to five times during the night. Now that I think about it, when your man goes to choke his chicken at 3am, it’s not because you’ve turned him on soooooo much with your snoring, it’s because of this spontaneous erection that he must tend to before his balls explode.

The cause of nocturnal penile tumescence is not exactly known, but it is guessed that the hormones of the part of the brainstem involved with responses to stress or panic (scientifically referred to as locus ceruleus, so I’ve been told. I was kind of known for skipping biology class in school) allows testosterone-related excitatory actions to manifest as nocturnal penile tumescence. While we’re sleeping, a little angelic devil whispers in our ear that it’s time to lay the pipe!  In other words, whether or not there’s a phat butt pressed against our “little big friend,” us men are going to wake up ready to release and there’s nothing a woman’s bad morning breath or ratty old scarf can do to stop the urge! Their phat butt is just icing on the cake (no pun intended).

Fellas, if you ask me, this is the perfect time to say to your woman, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Wait. That conversation may not end well either. You get my point.

P.S. Ladies,

You’re welcome. I think.


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Payback is a Bytch – I Mean Pig!

The Muppets. Kermit the Frog has a new girlfriend, Denise, after splitting from long term love Miss Piggy. Pictured Kermit and Denise who is his new girlfriend Image grab from internet - for Nikki http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/DeniseIt’s no secret that the world isn’t taking so well the demise of the long-standing relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog.  While Piggy has been hush hush about the recent split, Kermit’s cool points have spiked with the onset of his relationship with his new squeeze, Denise, a sexy marketing executive at Network ABC, home of the Muppet’s new show soon to be aired later this month.

Though media circuits across the celebesphere have been ablaze with word of Kermit’s latest conquest, no one can overlook or forget that Miss Piggy is the original diva of ‘bounce back!’

Since their split, Piggy has traded in her pint-sized stilettos for a pair of one-size fits all leg warmers to don at the gym as she shapes her post-breakup body for a string of rumored new beaus.  And let me tell you, Miss Piggy lives to prove that even a pig can be a baaaaad bitch!

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While Kermit the Frog paves the ground with interviews and press conferences to promote The Muppet’s new show and shed light on the Piggy split, Miss Piggy hasn’t exactly shied away from the spotlight either, though she’s never been one to shy away from the spotlight.

Known to be one of Hollywood’s most celebrated fashionistas, she can’t help but to attract the attention of some of Tinseltown’s hottest men, starting her own social media trend that #frogsaresolastseason. Though she’s been parading around town on the arms of some pretty highly profiled arm candy, an anonymous source has hinted that Miss Piggy may have found someone special enough to replace her former green lover.

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No word yet on how serious things may be getting in her love life, but if anything can be judged by this picture, this pig may soon be poked by another pound of bacon!

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You know what they say, “PIGS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!”


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Kermit’s New Pig is a Fox!

Denise and KermitListen here, guys and gals. If there’s any one man . . . ahem – frog . . . on this planet that I have mad respect for, it’s Kermit the Frog!  That amphibian is a G!  Not long after his very public breakup with America’s favorite bacon-flavored diva, Miss Piggy, Kermit has gone all googly-eyed for another porker. And this pig is a fox! Sources say things could be heating up fast.

Rumor has it Kermit’s been getting cozy with a hot little ABC marketing executive who is exotically named Denise. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know ABC is the network home of his new hit show The Muppets, with whom he costars with none other than his former lover and attention hog, Miss Piggy – and I hear, kats and kittens, that Piggy is none too happy with Kermit’s recent hook up.

Tension between Kermit and Piggy has already been strong, but now the air is really getting thick with Kermit’s steamy new relationship. One would imagine The Muppets would suffer greatly from Piggy’s subtle jealousy and Kermit’s gigoloism, but the two remain professional during filming, often times noted as storming off in two separate directions once the cameras have stopped rolling – Piggy to her tricked out on-set  trailer and Kermit to an all-expense paid night out on the town with his new piece.

While Miss Piggy may be off somewhere feeding her troubled little heart,

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Denise is gearing up for her acting debut, appearing along side the former couple on The Muppets, set to premier September 22 at 8PM on ABC.

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I personally am not ready to see Kermit move on to another, especially so quickly, but I also admittedly can’t knock his hustle. Do you, Kermit. Or should I say do Denise?

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Kermit & Piggy: America’s Most Powerful Couple No More

There have been many celebrity breakups that I’ve cared nothing about: Demi Lovato and that dude . . . um . . . what’s his name? Trace Cyrus. Whoever the hell he is. Khloe and Lamar; Kendra and Hank; Selena and the Biebs; Wiz and Amber; Kourtney and Scott; Mariah and Nick; That guy and that gal from that movie. Seriously, I could go on. But nothing has shaken me to the core like the demise of the world’s most powerful couple. NOT Obama and Michelle. NOT Oprah and Gayle. NOT Jay and B. NOT Ben and Jerry. Oh wait. They broke up, too. But rather . . . are you sitting down for this? Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!  OH. MY. GOSH.

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What has the world (and by the world I mean Hollywood or Muppetland, whatever) come to? Just when I had revived all hope for love, this happens.

Many have speculated that the breakup was a result of Piggy’s diva-esque Mariah-Carey syndrome. Many more have speculated that Kermit’s sudden desire for chitterlings caused a moral divide between the pair. My younger cousin’s daughters classmate’s half brother’s boo thang thinks it’s because Piggy was no longer satisfied with Kermit’s skinny ass frog legs.  I personally think this break up is a ploy to rake in more ratings and curiosity for the Muppets’ upcoming ABC television show that no one under 40 will watch.

SayinggoodbyeWhatever the case this is a sad, sad day in Hollywoo . . . Muppetlan . . . the world.  And to show my respect for this now unbound union, I vow that for the next 7 hours, 13 minutes and 2 seconds I will not fill a plate with crispy, succulent bacon. Oh gosh that sounds good! That’s how much I respect Miss Piggy. I ain’t said nothing about no ham. That’s a horse of a different color.

Kermit, stay strong bruh. After 40 years of devotion to the same woma . . . pig, you’ve proven that you are a good catch. Don’t jump out there too soon to try to mend a broken heart. And Miss Piggy, I hope your career is worth more than the love you’ve foolishly given away.

I’m not choosing sides here. I’m equally pissed at the both of you and equally hurt for the both of you. Even though I’m 1,000,000,000% sure I’ll never watch The Muppets reboot, you still have my support for the next 7 hours, 12 minutes and 38 seconds.

Announcement


I wish they would have called me. Hottywood could have helped.

Summer Sizzles! Break Up to Make Out

The summer is sizzling and unfortunately, so are the tempers!  With each increasing degree of summer’s blaze, more and more clothes are peeling off, revealing to men and women alike, the glistening skin of toned upper torsos and perky ta-tas.  Tis the season to be jolly, just as long as you are single.

Smart mouths, bickering gripes, and wandering eyes are what most people have to look forward to this summer.  Short skirts and tank-tops are the season’s way of reminding bunned-up couples that it’s time to ditch their mates and flirt with every passer by who’ll look at the sweat dripping in all the right places for all the scandalously wrong reasons.

Get ready folks.  A rumblin’ is a comin’.

It’s no secret that most relationships die off around the holidays – specifically birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day, so the cheap one in the relationship doesn’t have to buy the needy one a gift.  But when the summer months come around, it’s a horse of a different color!  Men workout more to lift those perfect pecks while women eat less to give their waistline the ideal measure to accentuate those perfect boobs and that chewable apple bottom.  The name of the game is to look your best and flaunt all your assets because now is the time more people are going to be interested in what you have to offer — sans conversation, intelligence. accomplishments and all that extra mumbo jumbo.

During the hot season of summer, women are less likely to roll their eyes at a man for greeting her with a false sense of intention. Seemingly, men are more on top of their “game” because the woman is often times, much easier than she’d be if the chill in the air was as rigid as the chip on her shoulder.   It’s easy pickings.  One trollop after another.  One trip to the clinic waiting to happen.  No repercussions.  No explanations.  No ifs, ands or buts.

But don’t be fooled by the nearly naked.  These skanks-in-waiting are merely on loan.  The break-ups people encounter for the summer for reckless sexual arousal are usually temporary.  You can’t place much expectation in a dry hump on a hot July night.  The hump is just a hump and it ordinarily leads to an open gate of more activity with more players to the field.  The summer is typically not the right time to try to get into a relationship.  That’s what the rest of the year is for – again, except for the above mentioned holidays – birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day (for all you cheap readers out there). 

The next time your mate picks a fight with you, don’t take it personally.  It’s just a change of a season.  Well…maybe you can take it a little personally considering they’re only doing it for a free-for-all for those half dressed scoundrels who look better out of clothes than you do.  Let them go.  Like a boomerang, they’ll come back.  In the meantime, don’t feel guilty for wearing less material and showing off more of your own body parts.  Hey – if you got it, flaunt it.  You’ll appreciate the attention in the long run.  You’ll also have quite a little memory in the back of your mind when winter has returned and you and your lover aren’t speaking over some dumb argument that made no sense in the first place.  Just because you’re at the mall doesn’t mean you can’t shop…especially if there’s a return policy in effect.

This summer, go out.  Take a little off and see where, what and to whom it leads.  Stella got her groove back in the summer months.  So can you.


Quote of the week:   “Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”

ask-hottywood

How To End a Bad Date Disgracefully

Are you tired of going on one bad date after another?  Has your best friend set you up with someone who’s below your standards?  Did you finally get the telephone number of the hot chick in your church who turns out to be dumber than a door knob…or worse, a hot chick with bushy underarms? Well now’s your chance to rest easy, because you’re not alone.

It’s time to stand up for your rights and fight back with a few easy quick steps to sabotage a bad date disgracefully!   This list is very short, but also very fun!  The look on your date’s face when you purposely act like a moron [to make them uninterested in you] is priceless!

Listen carefully.  These tips take careful planning and coordination, but are worth every effort.


Conveniently leave home without any money.

Just be prepared to wash an ass-load of dishes, or make a break for it!  If you really want to make a bad impression, make a scene that you’re cheap and put the blame on your date.


Speak only in rhyme like a rap star.

Be sure to use animated sound effects and boisterous hand gestures.  Offensive language and stereotypes are a must!  This routine will be most effective if you are in a family-oriented establishment.  End each verse with, “You know what I’m sayin’ Gee?” and grab your crotch obsessively.  Make your stage-left exit before the cops arrive.



When speaking to your date, never use any direct eye contact.

In fact, just cover your eyes completely while screaming, “Medusa!”  If you really want to stir things up, toss your drink in her face.  Oh what the heck, toss everyone’s drink in her face! Then run like the wind because there’s no doubt that she’s going to fuq you up!


Each time your date attempts to speak, interrupt them with useless facts about cheese.

Be as annoying and rude as possible.  But beware, your date may just like cheese.  If so, fart loudly and fan the smell with your restaurant menu.  Do not smile when doing so.


Have your wife call during dessert. 

This will raise more questions than a little bit.  To be a top-notch jack ass, invite her along and compare your wife to your date.  Don’t compliment either your wife or your date and refer to yourself only in third person.  Once your date finishes pinching herself in disbelief, insist that she owes you money for her half of the meal and a partial payment for your wife’s meal.



Pick your nose a lot.

To ensure that no one misses what you are doing, be sure to announce each time you’ve felt a booger and show it to the disgusted audience.


Stuff all of your food into your mouth at once and whistle the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show.  

 


Compliment your date’s legs – from underneath the table.  

Be sure to pack a hockey mask as this usually ends with a swift kick to the nose.


Remove the top half of your clothes until your nipples are completely exposed.

It won’t matter if your date walks out on you because nine times out of ten you’re going to leave with someone else anyway.


Sneeze on your date’s food and then ask, “Are you gonna eat that?”

The more moist the sneeze, the better.  Oh, and don’t forget to leave your manners and Kleenex at home!


Getting someone to lose interest in you is not that difficult actually, especially if you’re still on 1st date status; that is unless your date is a psychopath, a total Grade F, or someone so desperate for attention that no matter what you do bad, it’s all good.  Even if you’ve fallen into a trap of dating one of the types listed above, it’s not impossible to come up with a quick crash and burn.  All it takes is a little more effort to be even more annoying.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.



Quote of the week:
   “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  There’s no sense being a damn fool about it.”

Interview with the Blanche Devereaux of the Projects

Many say that you only fall in love once, but there are some people who believe that theory to be total B.S.  For those of you who don’t believe you can find true love more than once in a lifetime, you obviously haven’t met LaShawnquonifa Latoya Fu – “FuFu” for short; the Blanche Devereaux of the projects.  HottywoodHelps.com sat down with FuFu to get her take on the subject of love.

“It couldn’t be a colder day on the planet where I stand in front of an ice cream truck, shivering in me’ knickers, in the middle of a neighborhood where the only thing that looks safe is the corner stop sign.  Finally after checking my watch for the fourth time, up walks the fabulous FuFu, clad in her oversized bamboo earrings, gold teeth and kinky tracks.”

 

 

Hottywood:  What’s up, beautiful?  Come here and show me some love!  You’re looking delicious as always.

**

FuFu:  Thanks, boo-boo.  You know how I roll.  You wanna taste?

 


“…Now if the ice cream truck in the dead of winter in the middle of a neighborhood where everyone wears designer bullet proof vests wasn’t a big enough  DO NOT ENTER sign, FuFu’s stank wedgie walk and peek-a-boo sandals should’ve been the only red flag I needed.  I could barely take in all of her tackiness because my eyes were locked on her cold ass toes.  On the bright side, any ice cream truck that sells steak & cheese sandwiches and chicken wings, whether it’s the winter time or the summer, has got to be worth the risk.”


Hottywood:  Uh, no.  I’m not real particular on leftovers, but thanks for the offer.  But that’s what we’re here to talk about, right?  I hate to get right to business but it’s colder than a muhfukkah out here!  HA!  Eh look, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

**

FuFu:  Oh you know I’ll do anything for you.  You can get it!

**

Hottywood:  You play too much.  We can talk about that later, off the record.  For now let’s talk relationships. As I’ve been talking to people off the block, I’ve learned that a lot of folk believe a person can only fall in love once in a lifetime; twice if you’re lucky.  But you seem to be the exception to the rule.  You’ve managed to find love many many many many many times with just about every dude in the neighborhood.  There are names for people like you.  “…Social Butterfly.”


“I bet you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?”


Hottywood: What’s your secret?

**

FuFu:  First of all, I ain’t no weak ass butterfly.  I’m a cross between a sting ray and a peacock.  Mmm hmm.  Yup.  And B) the secret is, “keep no secrets.”  People who keep secrets have something to hide.  That make people don’t trust you and stuff.  I just keep it real with people and roll with people who keep it real with me.  Especially dudes that keep it real.  Mmph!  That sh*t is sexy as a mug!   But see, some of these hoes out here be thinking they can bottle their sh*t up and sell it.  I ain’t like that.   I ain’t selling my sh*t fo’ nobody!  That’s just nasty.

**

Hottywood:  Um…  Cause if you sold it that would make you a whore?

**

FuFu:  Yeah, boo!  There you go!  You know what I’m talkin’ about.  And I ain’t nobody’s whore.  I respect myself too much for that, shuuuu.


“I have to be honest with you.  FuFu’s high pitched voice is slowly tearing the inside of my ears.  I really don’t know what the hell she just said and her chewing gum is damn near trying to jump out of her mouth.”


FuFu:  When I kick it with a dude I’m down for whatever.  Ride or die chick, like Eve.  But Ion’t get down until I know it’s the real thing.  Love.  True love.  Dudes don’t be trying to show their feelings cause they want to look all hard in front of all their boys and stuff, but when we be kicking it at his house or my house, or around back in the laundry room stairwell, they always tell me they love me.

**

Hottywood:  …Okaaaay…so explain to me how you’ve been so “lucky” to fall in love so many times and particularly with every guy on the block.  You don’t think that’s a little ironic?

**

FuFu:  Ion’t know.  I guess it’s just meant for me to have a boyfriend or something.  It’s just meant to be.  Right under my nose ring.

**

Hottywood:  Do you have a boyfriend now?

**

FuFu:  No, not right now.  But it’s funny ’cause as soon as a guy just stops calling me, one of his friends comes up and tells me he’s been eyeing me er’y since I hooked up with whoever just broke up with me.  Next thing you know, they be bringing me french fries with extra salt, pepper and ketchup and buying me all these drinks at the club and stuff.  Ion’t know, something about a man who wines and dines me just gets my coochie wet, you know?

**

Hottywood:  And just like that you move on from your last relationship on to a new one…?

**

FuFu:  Mmm hmm.

**

Hottywood:  And these relationships are serious[?].  And physical I assume.  They tell you they love you; do you love them?

**

FuFu:  Of course I love them.  Ion’t just sleep around unless I know I love somebody.  I’m a classy b*tch.  Plus I like french fries.

**

Hottywood:  Wait.  I’m a little confused.  So they tell you they love you and then ya’ll go do your business?

**

FuFu:  Yeah.  Whatchu think this is? Ion’t know why, dudes just be falling in love with me real quick.  It must be my pretty smile or sum’in.

**

Hottywood:  But these guys all know each other which obviously means they know about you.  You don’t think it’s a little strange that your ex-boyfriends’ friends suddenly become interested after you’ve broken up?

**

FuFu:  What’s strange about that?

**

Hottywood:  You’re right.  What could I possibly be thinking?  Do any of your exes call you?

**

FuFu:  Whatchu mean, for like booty calls and stuff or just to talk?

**

Hottywood:  Yeah.  What you said.

**

FuFu:  They do, and we’re cool and stuff.   Well, except for me and my babys’ fathers.  But er’ybody else is cool.  I just don’t let none of ‘em come over if I’m dating someone else.  That would be disrespectful, you know what I mean?  Oh and Ion’t want my kids to see all that, you know?  I gotta set an example and sh*t.

**

Hottywood:  So if you’re not dating then they can come over for a conjugal?

**

FuFu:  A what?

**

Hottywood:  A conjugal…  …a booty call.

**

FuFu:  Oh.  Yeah, why not?  Ion’t have no problem with that if I ain’t committed.  And sometimes they be telling me they miss me and want to come by to give me money to get my hair done or buy a new fake Louis Vuitton bag or some shoes or sum’in.  So you know it’s all good.

**

Hottywood:  Oh well that’s different.  That’s not to be confused with putting yourself out there for money though, right?

*


“Does anyone else see RED FLAGS all over this???”


FuFu:  Unh Unh.  I ain’t standing on no street corner or nuffin.  They just be giving me money.  The funny part is after it’s all over, if I get in the shower or fall asleep or something, when I wake up or come back in the room, money just be sitting on the bed or the dresser.  Ion’t even have to ask for it.  Ain’t that sweet?


“Smells rotten if you ask me.”


I just seem to attract a lot of men and Ion’t even have to leave my street to meet ‘em.  I think a lot girls be jealous of me and stuff but I can’t help that I’m popular and easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Easy?

**

FuFu:  Mmm Hmm; …easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Oh, oh, oh.  Yeah right.  That’s what I thought you said.  …So you like the way things are right now?  Everything’s going great?  …you’re happy?

**

FuFu:  Hell yeah boo-boo.  I mean, I wish I had a boyfriend or something right now, but I’m patient.  Why?  You trying to come over?

**


“Either a gunshot went off in the alley next to the ice cream truck or FuFu is throwing me a low blow. There is no other word to describe this moment better than, ‘…um.'”

I hate to interrupt the flow of the story, kiddies, but sadly the interview continued to take a quick trip down a short drain. And by that I mean I couldn’t stomach the ignorance of this broad.  FuFu is a cool chick and all and definitely someone worth having around when the carry out cashier tries to overcharge you for your food, but there’s only so much naivete’ one can take.

She went on and on about her ideal husband, describing him as someone who would have a lot of money, drive a big truck, and always offer her some of his beer. “…You know, what every woman looks for in a man.”  Her words.  Not mine.

After a few more shameless passes, gum popping and head pats, FuFu received a phone call from her ex, Datrell (but everyone around the way calls him Briefcase because he handles his business.)

He offered to take her to a movie and Burger King, so she had to get the coarse baby hair on the back of her neck straightened out and find a babysitter.  She asked me if I could watch her kids, but unfortunately it was the anniversary of the first day I ever noticed someone’s toenails could actually scrape the ground.  I had big plans.  I know, I know. Darn the luck.

Whatever the case for the end of the Q & A, I was thankful.  Never in my life have I had the UNpleasure of talking to someone so blinded, without morals and completely oblivious to her own self-values.

Ladies, and this goes to you, too, fellas; don’t get stuck in a box.  The world and the lives that it ensues are way too big for that.  It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.  Don’t be a LaShawnquonifa.


Quote of the Week:    “It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.”

 

11 Things That May Look Good To You But Aren’t Good For You

1. Quadruple bacon cheeseburgers – Though it may taste and smell good, quadruple bacon cheeseburgers will clog your arteries and drive you one step closer to your doom. If by chance you suffer death by cheeseburger, at least you’ll die happy with crumbs around your mouth. Let’s just hope the crumbs are from the cheeseburger, otherwise there’s one more thing to add to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you. Maybe not, I can’t imagine that shit looking good either.

quadruple cheeseburger


2. Cinnamon roll flavored vodka – It may sound good. It may even smell good, but this cocktail is so sweet you can almost feel your kidneys melting from the inside out.  There’s one thing that should never be turned into an alcohol and that’s a cinnamon roll. Let’s all just die from the sugary glaze the way God and pastry chefs intended.

Cinnamon Bun Flavored

japanese-sour-face


3. Men – You never know what’s in their pants. It may be a golden rod, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes.

creepy


4. Women – You never know what’s under their skirts. It may be the sweetest nectar, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes. Also, depending on the time of the month, they may exude multiple personalities, all of whom are related to the Bride of Chucky. …unless you like that sort of thing. And if you do, then YOU should be added to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you.

creepy woman


5. Stripes – Stripes only look good on skinny celebrities who pay others to pick the most flattering patterns for their skinny ass bodies. Whether the world wants to believe it or not, not everyone looks like a skinny ass celebrity that can afford to pay someone to make them look good. Also, stripes are easily equated with prison inmates, which is arguably another item that can be added to this list.

Stripes


6. Any medicine with a warning label – Feel good for a minute or die the death of a million dooms?

WARNING 

  • Swelling of the tongue, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Extreme diarrhea, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Makes your butt itch, which is a sexual NO NO
  • Backs up your urinal flow, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes you to go temporarily blind forever, which in some cases after an extreme amount of alcohol can increase your sexual activity. This warning may actually work in your favor, although you should be mindful of numbers 3 and 4.

Warning


7. Church members – the devil knows how to play dress up in big hats and expensive neckties. Keep messing with the devil and he will certainly make you cuss someone the hell out!

Church Members


8. Apartment complex leasing offices – Wherever you decide to move, the leasing office will almost always be the most well-kept building in the complex. Every other apartment unit might as well be located in the alley next door to a Chinese carryout in the hood.  Also, the nice, friendly voices on the phone when you call the leasing office usually never matches the ugly attitudes you encounter when physically visiting the office. #InvasionOfTheBodySnatchers

Leasing Office

run down apartment

 


9. Kids – Kids are great as long as you can give them back to their parents. They pee in the bed, lie, steal, beat up other kids, beat up other adults, set cats on fire, learn to speak and think for themselves, which is a scary thought all by itself, and cost more money than an average person makes in a lifetime, unless of course you’re Beyonce or Oprah.  But they’re still cute. Most of them anyway.

bad kids


10. Low pay for just causes – No one is typically warned that the average working class citizen sees about $5 of recreational money out of every paycheck. Between bills, taxes, kids, spouses, jump offs, and quadruple cheeseburgers, a person needs to save $5 per paycheck to eventually afford a nice coffin, burial plot, and people to bribe to come to their funeral.

low-pay


11. Cursing – Curse words are typically used by people too ignorant or lazy to come up with better words of expression or explanation. Personally I must be lazy as shit. Oh wait. See what I mean?

Profanity


Quote of the Week:  “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”