My dear, poor, unsuspecting friends; we need to have a little chat about something we all know about but are sometimes too shy (or embarrassed) to discuss. BLIND DATES.
Blind dates are not always all bad. They’re not always all good either – unless you have a horse shoe up your ass – but most people aren’t that lucky (unless you consider having a horse shoe up your ass lucky at all). So today we’re going to discuss a few key signs that indicate if you’re on your way to a successful blind date or something that’s quite the opposite.
THE INITIAL CONVERSATION
Every blind date begins with a series of simple telephone conversations (or in this day and age, email, instant or text messages). Whatever the case, these are typical introductory conversations where both parties try to paint beautiful pictures of themselves with washable paint. Don’t be fooled by the initial blind date pre-face convo. Whether over the phone or on paper, this potential person may sound like you just want to stick them in your back pocket. The voice coming from the other end of the receiver or the other side of the computer screen gives you a false sense of hope, expectation, and anticipation for something that would be no less better than wolfing down a liter of flat soda and a stale bag of popcorn.
In a nutshell, this convo is usually a set up for a major let down. However, the initial conversation will probably be the highlight of the date itself. Stick around and you’ll find out why.
MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME
Meeting that blind date for the first time is the moment of do or die. There’s a part of you that knows if you don’t go through with ringing the door bell or opening the front door for that “potential could-be,” you’ll kick yourself in the shin for depriving yourself of something that could be a sure thing. However, you could also be introducing yourself to a big bag of shame. Always keep in mind that in this very moment, you are either in for a few hours of great fun, conversation and company, or a seemingly endless amount of boredom, acute disgust, and/or ideas for revenge for the idiot who thought you and this non-date-worthy schmuck would be a match made in heaven.
Whether you’re pleased with the view from the outer exterior of the person you’ll be sharing the next few hours with or not, you’ve only come upon the first test. There’s still a small inspection that must take place that will dictate this person’s character a little more than the fluffy initial conversation(s) you may have shared prior to meeting for the first time.
Below are a few tips that will shed some light on the person’s consideration of self, company or situation. These tips tell how this person sees him/herself and in some cases, their relationships.
- If you step on a pile of potato chip crumbs somewhere between the living room and the dining room, chances are this person is a pure slob who doesn’t know how to keep house. They also can’t keep secrets and surely has something hiding in the closet, just waiting to fall out.
- If there are piles of bread crumbs on the dining room table, keep an eye out for ants. Where there are crumbs, there are ants. Either your date is one trifling mofo (motherf*cker) who simply lets the chips fall where they may (metaphorically and literally) or you’re going to be charged extra for bringing a pig to the restaurant instead of a person who knows how to eat respectably and excuse themselves from the table when it comes time to fart before the after-dinner mints.
- If there are onion peels on the dining room floor, your date will most likely have a problem with personal hygiene. It’s a proven fact in a book that hasn’t been written yet that onion peels equate to having a closeted funky underarm problem. Or worse. An underarm odor in places other than the underarms!
- If your date utilizes any time telling you about past surgeries, hospital visits or major or minor ailments, they’re probably crazy and you’d do better to run for the border now. If you’ve never believed it before, believe now that misery is happiest when it has company!
AFTER DINNER KISS
By the time dinner has concluded, your ears have probably bled from all of the listening to nothing you’ve indulged in over the course of the last couple of hours. Either that or your eyeballs have fallen out of their sockets because you didn’t want anyone to notice how embarrassed you were to be in the company of someone who is obviously below your standards. Hell, below anyone’s standards!
The bottom line is though you’re at the end of the date, believe it or not, the catastrophe has only just begun. You’ve now come to the point of needing to figure out one good reason to bypass the good night kiss. This usually happens somewhere around the invitation back inside for a nightcap, cup of coffee, or…you guessed it, crunchy cheese curls. Now if you were smart, you would’ve been thinking about an excuse the moment all your hopes and dreams were shattered when you saw your date for the very first time.
Never go out on a date — first or otherwise — without having a good reason for skipping over the good night kiss; even if it means stopping by your local novelty shop first, to pick up a pack of ass-breath chewing gum.
You always have three options to get out of the good night kiss; (1) come up with a good lie or excuse for not kissing at all (which we’ve covered in the previous paragraph) before meeting up with the date; (2) rip your lips off completely (which isn’t most likely, otherwise you’d be just as f*cked up as your date); or (3) sew your lips together with needle and thread. Honestly, you’d kill two birds with one stone by stitching your lips together. By using such a dramatic force of act, what you’d actually be saying (or implying since your lips would be sealed shut) is, “I don’t want to kiss you and I don’t want to discuss why the hell I don’t want your lips touching mine.” It’s simple and to the point. It may not be very nice, but who cares? You know damn well that you have no intention of seeing this person ever again, so manners aren’t necessary.
Now let’s recap. How can you tell if your blind date is aiming for a nose-dive straight to hell? Notice the table crumbs, critter infestations, framed hospital photos, onion peels, table manners, chappage of the lips (yes, I made up a word) and finally the conversation or lack thereof.
Peeping out a bad blind date isn’t that hard to do. The signs smack you in the face like a heat wave. You just have to know what to look for, or at least know how much you’re willing to take before you abandon the date altogether to go play in oncoming traffic.
Quote of the week: “Some relationships fail because people change and forget to tell each other.”
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