The Booty Call Agreement

So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money.  Did you miss something?  Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship.  News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping.  This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love.  We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class.  Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit.  It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single.  Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed).  The sex may have been great last night.  It may have been even greater this  morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’.  However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire.   After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading.  So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A)  You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing.  That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B)  They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C)  What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement.  It’s a binding contract.  It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out.  They’ll be back.  They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are.  At this point, you have the upper hand.


Quote of the week:    “It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

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Honey, It’s Not You. It’s Me: The Scientific Truth Behind Morning Wood

Ladies,

Not TonightI’m going to do you a favor and hip you to some 411. You are not as sexy as you think you are first thing in the morning. Don’t get me wrong. Wearing over-sized pink rollers with your head wrapped in the filthiest sheer scarf you can find may turn some men on. Morning breath may turn some men on. Those men are weird. But not all men are weird…all the time. And contrary to popular belief, not all men are horny when they wake up. …well, again, not all the time.

Usually, when you ladies wake up in the morning and are stabbed in the nape of your back from your beau’s jimmie, I’m sorry to say, it has nothing to do with your unflattering scarf and crinkled neck hair.  It has everything to do with nocturnal penile tumescence, or morning wood, as some would so eloquently refer to it. Nocturnal penile tumescence is a spontaneous erection of the penis during sleep or when waking up. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience nocturnal penile tumescence, usually three to five times during the night. Now that I think about it, when your man goes to choke his chicken at 3am, it’s not because you’ve turned him on soooooo much with your snoring, it’s because of this spontaneous erection that he must tend to before his balls explode.

The cause of nocturnal penile tumescence is not exactly known, but it is guessed that the hormones of the part of the brainstem involved with responses to stress or panic (scientifically referred to as locus ceruleus, so I’ve been told. I was kind of known for skipping biology class in school) allows testosterone-related excitatory actions to manifest as nocturnal penile tumescence. While we’re sleeping, a little angelic devil whispers in our ear that it’s time to lay the pipe!  In other words, whether or not there’s a phat butt pressed against our “little big friend,” us men are going to wake up ready to release and there’s nothing a woman’s bad morning breath or ratty old scarf can do to stop the urge! Their phat butt is just icing on the cake (no pun intended).

Fellas, if you ask me, this is the perfect time to say to your woman, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Wait. That conversation may not end well either. You get my point.

P.S. Ladies,

You’re welcome. I think.


Quote of the Week:  “We firmly believe there is more to life than money, sex and beer (not necessarily in that order). We just don’t know what it is.”

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(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


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“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

Summer Sizzles! Break Up to Make Out

The summer is sizzling and unfortunately, so are the tempers!  With each increasing degree of summer’s blaze, more and more clothes are peeling off, revealing to men and women alike, the glistening skin of toned upper torsos and perky ta-tas.  Tis the season to be jolly, just as long as you are single.

Smart mouths, bickering gripes, and wandering eyes are what most people have to look forward to this summer.  Short skirts and tank-tops are the season’s way of reminding bunned-up couples that it’s time to ditch their mates and flirt with every passer by who’ll look at the sweat dripping in all the right places for all the scandalously wrong reasons.

Get ready folks.  A rumblin’ is a comin’.

It’s no secret that most relationships die off around the holidays – specifically birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day, so the cheap one in the relationship doesn’t have to buy the needy one a gift.  But when the summer months come around, it’s a horse of a different color!  Men workout more to lift those perfect pecks while women eat less to give their waistline the ideal measure to accentuate those perfect boobs and that chewable apple bottom.  The name of the game is to look your best and flaunt all your assets because now is the time more people are going to be interested in what you have to offer — sans conversation, intelligence. accomplishments and all that extra mumbo jumbo.

During the hot season of summer, women are less likely to roll their eyes at a man for greeting her with a false sense of intention. Seemingly, men are more on top of their “game” because the woman is often times, much easier than she’d be if the chill in the air was as rigid as the chip on her shoulder.   It’s easy pickings.  One trollop after another.  One trip to the clinic waiting to happen.  No repercussions.  No explanations.  No ifs, ands or buts.

But don’t be fooled by the nearly naked.  These skanks-in-waiting are merely on loan.  The break-ups people encounter for the summer for reckless sexual arousal are usually temporary.  You can’t place much expectation in a dry hump on a hot July night.  The hump is just a hump and it ordinarily leads to an open gate of more activity with more players to the field.  The summer is typically not the right time to try to get into a relationship.  That’s what the rest of the year is for – again, except for the above mentioned holidays – birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day (for all you cheap readers out there). 

The next time your mate picks a fight with you, don’t take it personally.  It’s just a change of a season.  Well…maybe you can take it a little personally considering they’re only doing it for a free-for-all for those half dressed scoundrels who look better out of clothes than you do.  Let them go.  Like a boomerang, they’ll come back.  In the meantime, don’t feel guilty for wearing less material and showing off more of your own body parts.  Hey – if you got it, flaunt it.  You’ll appreciate the attention in the long run.  You’ll also have quite a little memory in the back of your mind when winter has returned and you and your lover aren’t speaking over some dumb argument that made no sense in the first place.  Just because you’re at the mall doesn’t mean you can’t shop…especially if there’s a return policy in effect.

This summer, go out.  Take a little off and see where, what and to whom it leads.  Stella got her groove back in the summer months.  So can you.


Quote of the week:   “Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”

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Interview with the Blanche Devereaux of the Projects

Many say that you only fall in love once, but there are some people who believe that theory to be total B.S.  For those of you who don’t believe you can find true love more than once in a lifetime, you obviously haven’t met LaShawnquonifa Latoya Fu – “FuFu” for short; the Blanche Devereaux of the projects.  HottywoodHelps.com sat down with FuFu to get her take on the subject of love.

“It couldn’t be a colder day on the planet where I stand in front of an ice cream truck, shivering in me’ knickers, in the middle of a neighborhood where the only thing that looks safe is the corner stop sign.  Finally after checking my watch for the fourth time, up walks the fabulous FuFu, clad in her oversized bamboo earrings, gold teeth and kinky tracks.”

 

 

Hottywood:  What’s up, beautiful?  Come here and show me some love!  You’re looking delicious as always.

**

FuFu:  Thanks, boo-boo.  You know how I roll.  You wanna taste?

 


“…Now if the ice cream truck in the dead of winter in the middle of a neighborhood where everyone wears designer bullet proof vests wasn’t a big enough  DO NOT ENTER sign, FuFu’s stank wedgie walk and peek-a-boo sandals should’ve been the only red flag I needed.  I could barely take in all of her tackiness because my eyes were locked on her cold ass toes.  On the bright side, any ice cream truck that sells steak & cheese sandwiches and chicken wings, whether it’s the winter time or the summer, has got to be worth the risk.”


Hottywood:  Uh, no.  I’m not real particular on leftovers, but thanks for the offer.  But that’s what we’re here to talk about, right?  I hate to get right to business but it’s colder than a muhfukkah out here!  HA!  Eh look, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

**

FuFu:  Oh you know I’ll do anything for you.  You can get it!

**

Hottywood:  You play too much.  We can talk about that later, off the record.  For now let’s talk relationships. As I’ve been talking to people off the block, I’ve learned that a lot of folk believe a person can only fall in love once in a lifetime; twice if you’re lucky.  But you seem to be the exception to the rule.  You’ve managed to find love many many many many many times with just about every dude in the neighborhood.  There are names for people like you.  “…Social Butterfly.”


“I bet you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?”


Hottywood: What’s your secret?

**

FuFu:  First of all, I ain’t no weak ass butterfly.  I’m a cross between a sting ray and a peacock.  Mmm hmm.  Yup.  And B) the secret is, “keep no secrets.”  People who keep secrets have something to hide.  That make people don’t trust you and stuff.  I just keep it real with people and roll with people who keep it real with me.  Especially dudes that keep it real.  Mmph!  That sh*t is sexy as a mug!   But see, some of these hoes out here be thinking they can bottle their sh*t up and sell it.  I ain’t like that.   I ain’t selling my sh*t fo’ nobody!  That’s just nasty.

**

Hottywood:  Um…  Cause if you sold it that would make you a whore?

**

FuFu:  Yeah, boo!  There you go!  You know what I’m talkin’ about.  And I ain’t nobody’s whore.  I respect myself too much for that, shuuuu.


“I have to be honest with you.  FuFu’s high pitched voice is slowly tearing the inside of my ears.  I really don’t know what the hell she just said and her chewing gum is damn near trying to jump out of her mouth.”


FuFu:  When I kick it with a dude I’m down for whatever.  Ride or die chick, like Eve.  But Ion’t get down until I know it’s the real thing.  Love.  True love.  Dudes don’t be trying to show their feelings cause they want to look all hard in front of all their boys and stuff, but when we be kicking it at his house or my house, or around back in the laundry room stairwell, they always tell me they love me.

**

Hottywood:  …Okaaaay…so explain to me how you’ve been so “lucky” to fall in love so many times and particularly with every guy on the block.  You don’t think that’s a little ironic?

**

FuFu:  Ion’t know.  I guess it’s just meant for me to have a boyfriend or something.  It’s just meant to be.  Right under my nose ring.

**

Hottywood:  Do you have a boyfriend now?

**

FuFu:  No, not right now.  But it’s funny ’cause as soon as a guy just stops calling me, one of his friends comes up and tells me he’s been eyeing me er’y since I hooked up with whoever just broke up with me.  Next thing you know, they be bringing me french fries with extra salt, pepper and ketchup and buying me all these drinks at the club and stuff.  Ion’t know, something about a man who wines and dines me just gets my coochie wet, you know?

**

Hottywood:  And just like that you move on from your last relationship on to a new one…?

**

FuFu:  Mmm hmm.

**

Hottywood:  And these relationships are serious[?].  And physical I assume.  They tell you they love you; do you love them?

**

FuFu:  Of course I love them.  Ion’t just sleep around unless I know I love somebody.  I’m a classy b*tch.  Plus I like french fries.

**

Hottywood:  Wait.  I’m a little confused.  So they tell you they love you and then ya’ll go do your business?

**

FuFu:  Yeah.  Whatchu think this is? Ion’t know why, dudes just be falling in love with me real quick.  It must be my pretty smile or sum’in.

**

Hottywood:  But these guys all know each other which obviously means they know about you.  You don’t think it’s a little strange that your ex-boyfriends’ friends suddenly become interested after you’ve broken up?

**

FuFu:  What’s strange about that?

**

Hottywood:  You’re right.  What could I possibly be thinking?  Do any of your exes call you?

**

FuFu:  Whatchu mean, for like booty calls and stuff or just to talk?

**

Hottywood:  Yeah.  What you said.

**

FuFu:  They do, and we’re cool and stuff.   Well, except for me and my babys’ fathers.  But er’ybody else is cool.  I just don’t let none of ‘em come over if I’m dating someone else.  That would be disrespectful, you know what I mean?  Oh and Ion’t want my kids to see all that, you know?  I gotta set an example and sh*t.

**

Hottywood:  So if you’re not dating then they can come over for a conjugal?

**

FuFu:  A what?

**

Hottywood:  A conjugal…  …a booty call.

**

FuFu:  Oh.  Yeah, why not?  Ion’t have no problem with that if I ain’t committed.  And sometimes they be telling me they miss me and want to come by to give me money to get my hair done or buy a new fake Louis Vuitton bag or some shoes or sum’in.  So you know it’s all good.

**

Hottywood:  Oh well that’s different.  That’s not to be confused with putting yourself out there for money though, right?

*


“Does anyone else see RED FLAGS all over this???”


FuFu:  Unh Unh.  I ain’t standing on no street corner or nuffin.  They just be giving me money.  The funny part is after it’s all over, if I get in the shower or fall asleep or something, when I wake up or come back in the room, money just be sitting on the bed or the dresser.  Ion’t even have to ask for it.  Ain’t that sweet?


“Smells rotten if you ask me.”


I just seem to attract a lot of men and Ion’t even have to leave my street to meet ‘em.  I think a lot girls be jealous of me and stuff but I can’t help that I’m popular and easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Easy?

**

FuFu:  Mmm Hmm; …easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Oh, oh, oh.  Yeah right.  That’s what I thought you said.  …So you like the way things are right now?  Everything’s going great?  …you’re happy?

**

FuFu:  Hell yeah boo-boo.  I mean, I wish I had a boyfriend or something right now, but I’m patient.  Why?  You trying to come over?

**


“Either a gunshot went off in the alley next to the ice cream truck or FuFu is throwing me a low blow. There is no other word to describe this moment better than, ‘…um.'”

I hate to interrupt the flow of the story, kiddies, but sadly the interview continued to take a quick trip down a short drain. And by that I mean I couldn’t stomach the ignorance of this broad.  FuFu is a cool chick and all and definitely someone worth having around when the carry out cashier tries to overcharge you for your food, but there’s only so much naivete’ one can take.

She went on and on about her ideal husband, describing him as someone who would have a lot of money, drive a big truck, and always offer her some of his beer. “…You know, what every woman looks for in a man.”  Her words.  Not mine.

After a few more shameless passes, gum popping and head pats, FuFu received a phone call from her ex, Datrell (but everyone around the way calls him Briefcase because he handles his business.)

He offered to take her to a movie and Burger King, so she had to get the coarse baby hair on the back of her neck straightened out and find a babysitter.  She asked me if I could watch her kids, but unfortunately it was the anniversary of the first day I ever noticed someone’s toenails could actually scrape the ground.  I had big plans.  I know, I know. Darn the luck.

Whatever the case for the end of the Q & A, I was thankful.  Never in my life have I had the UNpleasure of talking to someone so blinded, without morals and completely oblivious to her own self-values.

Ladies, and this goes to you, too, fellas; don’t get stuck in a box.  The world and the lives that it ensues are way too big for that.  It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.  Don’t be a LaShawnquonifa.


Quote of the Week:    “It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.”

 

11 Things That May Look Good To You But Aren’t Good For You

1. Quadruple bacon cheeseburgers – Though it may taste and smell good, quadruple bacon cheeseburgers will clog your arteries and drive you one step closer to your doom. If by chance you suffer death by cheeseburger, at least you’ll die happy with crumbs around your mouth. Let’s just hope the crumbs are from the cheeseburger, otherwise there’s one more thing to add to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you. Maybe not, I can’t imagine that shit looking good either.

quadruple cheeseburger


2. Cinnamon roll flavored vodka – It may sound good. It may even smell good, but this cocktail is so sweet you can almost feel your kidneys melting from the inside out.  There’s one thing that should never be turned into an alcohol and that’s a cinnamon roll. Let’s all just die from the sugary glaze the way God and pastry chefs intended.

Cinnamon Bun Flavored

japanese-sour-face


3. Men – You never know what’s in their pants. It may be a golden rod, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes.

creepy


4. Women – You never know what’s under their skirts. It may be the sweetest nectar, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes. Also, depending on the time of the month, they may exude multiple personalities, all of whom are related to the Bride of Chucky. …unless you like that sort of thing. And if you do, then YOU should be added to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you.

creepy woman


5. Stripes – Stripes only look good on skinny celebrities who pay others to pick the most flattering patterns for their skinny ass bodies. Whether the world wants to believe it or not, not everyone looks like a skinny ass celebrity that can afford to pay someone to make them look good. Also, stripes are easily equated with prison inmates, which is arguably another item that can be added to this list.

Stripes


6. Any medicine with a warning label – Feel good for a minute or die the death of a million dooms?

WARNING 

  • Swelling of the tongue, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Extreme diarrhea, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Makes your butt itch, which is a sexual NO NO
  • Backs up your urinal flow, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes you to go temporarily blind forever, which in some cases after an extreme amount of alcohol can increase your sexual activity. This warning may actually work in your favor, although you should be mindful of numbers 3 and 4.

Warning


7. Church members – the devil knows how to play dress up in big hats and expensive neckties. Keep messing with the devil and he will certainly make you cuss someone the hell out!

Church Members


8. Apartment complex leasing offices – Wherever you decide to move, the leasing office will almost always be the most well-kept building in the complex. Every other apartment unit might as well be located in the alley next door to a Chinese carryout in the hood.  Also, the nice, friendly voices on the phone when you call the leasing office usually never matches the ugly attitudes you encounter when physically visiting the office. #InvasionOfTheBodySnatchers

Leasing Office

run down apartment

 


9. Kids – Kids are great as long as you can give them back to their parents. They pee in the bed, lie, steal, beat up other kids, beat up other adults, set cats on fire, learn to speak and think for themselves, which is a scary thought all by itself, and cost more money than an average person makes in a lifetime, unless of course you’re Beyonce or Oprah.  But they’re still cute. Most of them anyway.

bad kids


10. Low pay for just causes – No one is typically warned that the average working class citizen sees about $5 of recreational money out of every paycheck. Between bills, taxes, kids, spouses, jump offs, and quadruple cheeseburgers, a person needs to save $5 per paycheck to eventually afford a nice coffin, burial plot, and people to bribe to come to their funeral.

low-pay


11. Cursing – Curse words are typically used by people too ignorant or lazy to come up with better words of expression or explanation. Personally I must be lazy as shit. Oh wait. See what I mean?

Profanity


Quote of the Week:  “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

Please Leave a Message at the Beep…or Don’t. I Don’t Care

RING RING RING:

“I’m sorry I’m not available to receive your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief detail of the purpose of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a great day!”

BEEP

PHONE MESSAGEMaybe I was born under a rock, but whenever I get this message when I DO bother to call someone, I follow directions; leave my name, number and a brief detail of the purpose of my call, and then wait for someone to call me back. What I don’t do (and what I hate when anyone does it to me) is call the number back three, four or five THOUSAND more times until someone gets on the phone, annoyed enough to tell me to stop calling just before they hang up on me and block my number.

Guys and gals – especially if you are a guy or a gal that’s calling someone because you want to borrow money, sugar or get some ass – don’t do this! Just don’t. It’s intrusive, inconsiderate and pressed. It also implies that you can’t follow directions, which automatically makes one assume you were a D student in school who failed every subject except lunch.

I could elaborate on this, but I think I’ve spelled everything out in black and white. Oh wait…I forgot. Some of you are D students who failed every subject in school except lunch. I guess that would include English and Reading. So for the sake of argument, when you hear this:

RING RING RING

“I’m not so sorry that I’m not available to receive your call, because chances are you are going to call back any way and disregard my opening statement that clearly states I’m not available to receive your call. I guess if you must, you can leave your name and number. There’s no need to leave a reason for your call because the chances of me not caring are great. I might call you back, depending on the number of times I see your number on my caller ID. You are most likely calling because you want something that I am unable or unwilling to give.  Listen for the beep and decide wisely on how you will proceed. Bye.”

BEEP

Follow the damn directions and sit back and be patient. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE THAT WAIT.


Quote of the Week:  “When you ignore a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual.”

For the Love of God, Get to the Point Already!

Far be it from me to be rude (any time after 3PM; or when someone I don’t like tries to hold an extended conversation with me or anyone that I know; or if I’ve not had sex in more than 4 days; or if my Chinese food doesn’t taste as tasty as I anticipate; or when I’ve been asked a stupid question first thing in the morning; or if I don’t like the way my barber cuts my hair; or…aww hell, I guess it isn’t that far from me to be rude), but if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s when someone refuses to get to the point of a story…much like I just did with this first paragraph.

Last week I asked a friend about the status of her failing relationship. This week, I’m still waiting on the results of the status. I kid you not, she’s still describing the outfit she wore during the argument she had with her boyfriend that led me to ask about the status of the relationship. I guess it’s needless to say I no longer give a damn about her, her (I don’t know if he’s now her ex) boyfriend, or their relationship. And even more needless to say I don’t give a damn about what she was wearing. But for as long as she’s been describing this outfit (again, it’s been about a week, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 5.8 seconds), it sounds to me that if the relationship has failed, it has everything to do with what she was wearing. Either that or she bored him to death with her endless stories or rebuttals.

What am I trying to say here? Get to the point of your stories – especially if you are conversing with me or any other man on the planet. Most men, and by most men I mean all of us, have the attention span of a goldfish. Unless you are talking about sports, Nicki Minaj’s booty or Pamela Anderson’s boobs, you’ll lose us at hello.

PS, see how quickly I got to the point? Take note, people.

Thank you and goodbye. The end.

Hottywood


Quote of the Week:  “Your secrets are safe with me, because there is a good chance I was not listening.”

Just One of Those Days

OneOfThoseDays

Today is one of those days. Yup I’ve concluded.

My mood is straight up. It isn’t anything eluded.

The rain is coming down and my penis is risen.

My stomach is growling and I’m without any chicken.

My coworkers are all talking holes in my head

And my bad luck hasn’t been lucky yet enough to kill me dead.

The phone keeps ringing, while unexpected meetings pop up.

Instead of death on the spot this is my luck.

Horny as a toad, stuck in a room for eight hours.

My colleagues’ sweet salutations causes my mood to steadily sour.

As much as I want to say “Get the hell away,” I don’t think today is the day I should go that way.

“Why do you say that?” asks the nosy man on my left.

Because today is pay day and I’d like to continue collecting checks.

In my future though, rests a spirits store and some green

If you don’t get it, you don’t get – like the Washington Post, nah mean?

Speaking of “don’t get it,” I’m not getting it now

Which is why I’m in this mood. BOOM, BAM, KAPOW!

Something’s gotta give, and I mean soon before I turn into a straight goon.

The day is still young and the night’s not here yet.

I know I’ma get something. You can place that on a bet!

Was it this serious for me to put this in a poem?

Yes it was cause that’s how I roll

BITCHEZ!

 

Good and Bad Date Music: Put It In A Love Song

You haven’t lived unless you’ve experienced a good date.  And on the flip side, you haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced a bad one. Either way, it’s quite simple to tell the difference between the two.  Usually, within the first 30 minutes of a date, you can tell which direction it’s headed in.  Often times, if the date is bad, there aren’t too many chances to get out of it, other than the usual lame “emergency” excuses; the fake phone calls; the picking of the nose; the farting during the appetizer course.  The list can go on.  However long the list, it’s all been said and done.

Unless you’re just one bold muthaeffer that flat out doesn’t give a sh*t, there is something you can do to free yourself from the torture of a bad date that’s a little less conspicuous than the above mentioned.  “What’s that?” you may ask.  MUSIC!  Just like music is healing for the soul, it’s also healing from a whack ass date.  You just have to choose the right song.  Now, music isn’t just for getting out of a date.  It sets the tone for whatever it is you have in mind.  …freaks.

Read along, learn something, and try it on your next date.  Just be sure to get in touch with Hottywood when it’s over and let me know how it turned out.  Not only am I that interested, I’m also just that nosey!

Music is for the mind; the body; the soul; and the emergency escape!


GOOD DATE MUSIC

The table is set.  The candles are burning.  The bed is covered in rose petals and latex.  Now all you need is some good music!  Check out the list below to light a fire under your mate’s bum.

Brown Skin by India Irie ~ Though India’s music is much about empowerment, she also gives you an equal dose of romance.  This song speaks of the goodness of rubbing up against sweet dark skin and the taste of chocolate kisses.  Her voice is sultry and alluring and will surely get two horny toads in the mood to ribbit on a lily pad!

 

I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry ~ Because seriously, what heterosexual man (or lesbian, for that matter) hasn’t dreamed of getting laid by two chicks?

 

 

Like a Virgin by Madonna ~ First of all, Madonna has got to be the queen of eroticism and there’s no better song to get a fella’s attention than the hankering of a girl who’s yearning to be touched for the very first time…again.

Storm [Forecast] by Jamie Foxx ~ If you’ve ever visited the hood, then you know what it means to make it rain!  Jamie does an amazing job of using analogies to describe the sensations of human ecstasy.  I believe he emphasizes the phrase, “Let me feel the raindrops fallin’ down all over my love; I want it soaking wet all over the bed…”  I have just two words for that – “High Five!”

BAD DATE MUSIC

The conversation is lacking.  The dinner is awful.  And the bed is as cold as a smurf’s village during Smurfette’s time of the month.  Seeing as how most people aren’t lucky enough to be equipped with a portable ejection seat, here’s a perfect opportunity to use music as a fireman’s pole to make that quick get-away!

I Hate You So Much Right Now by Kelis ~ Honestly, the title speaks for itself.

 

 

Trading Places by Usher ~ Although Usher sings the sh*t out of this song, and the beat makes you want to handle your business on a stripper pole, nothing turns a woman off more than a man telling her that he wants to be the bitch while she hits it from the back.

 

Get Out of My Life by Aaron Neville ~ Seriously, any song by Aaron Neville is enough to kill a mood, but can you be any more direct than telling a mofo to get out of your life???   Also, Aaron uses the term, “honey child” in these lyrics.  Call me crazy, but it’s not attractive for any man to say, “honey child.”  Sounds like someone just lost some major cool points!

Bitch Please by Lil Wayne ~ This song is just frikkin’ scary and sends all the right messages to all the wrong dates!  The song says things like, “stop lying, bitch,” “look into my eyes ho,” “my goons got guns on deck.”  If a person is still in the mood after hearing this, then your next date night should be at the local loony bin.


Now these are just the top eight songs that popped into my head off the break for a successful date or a successful escape.  I’m sure there are dozens more.  In fact, dozens isn’t even a fraction of the amount of songs that enhance or dethrone a mood.  It’s all a matter of careful pickings by the inspiration of the person who’s making you wet or causing you to dry up.  Whatever the case, finding the right song isn’t hard.  But in case you think it is, always remember that 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Where words fail, music speaks.”

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Back Off, Sucka!

There comes moments in everyone’s life when you just want to tell someone to “Back Off!”  It’s not an unusual feeling and it’s not always as rude as you may think, especially if that person is doing all but verbally asking you for the reminder that they should mind their own damn business.  

Sometimes children want to tell their nagging parents to put a muzzle on and allow them to be children before being prematurely molded into old bitties.  Sometimes residents want to tell their neighbors to put blindfolds on and stop peeking out their windows when late night booty calls ring the doorbell.  Often times, co-workers want to shoot paperclips in the eyeballs of their nosy colleagues when they dig deep and pass judgment on the private events that have taken place in their associates’ personal weekend lives.  Even pets deserve a certain level of “back offage” when they demand a high level of attention.  

Everyone at some stage of the game reserves the right to be wrong, shady, introversive, keep secrets and make their own mistakes without someone else’s snotty nose minding the business that doesn’t belong to them.  There are a dozen ways to tell someone to back the hell off and lucky for you, Hottywood is here to help you figure out the proper way to get your point across!  Rude doesn’t always have to be bad.  It can be considered simply as being frank.  No matter how you spin the word, I promise you’ll only have to spin it once.  

To the mean old farts at church that can’t get with the crossroads of secular and gospel music:  Remove the batteries from your hearing aid when it comes time for the youth choir to sing their Sunday morning selection or risk the brakes on your wheelchair being tampered with.  Silence is golden

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To the single friend who has more advice to give to their coupled pals:  Spend more time worrying about why no one wants you instead of evaluating why your married associates are having trouble in paradise.  Those friends have done something well enough to get hitched that you obviously haven’t mastered yet.  Loser.     

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To the bill collector who bombards consumers with repeated phone calls and threatening telephone messages:  You should consider yourself lucky that you’re hiding behind a telephone receiver, but never underestimate the power of switchboard.com and a gang of anti-telemarketing vigilantes.  Karma’s a bitch, bitch!  

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To the school teacher whose come to a conclusion of why a student isn’t grasping the essence of a particular classroom study lesson:  The problem isn’t with the student; the problem is that you really aren’t that great of a teacher and you’re probably going to get your ass whipped at 3 o’clock by an angry parent for failing to do your job properly in teaching that child the basics.  Run for your life!   

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To the desperate round-da-way chick who keeps trying to give up the booty to anyone who’ll take it:  Nobody wants to be bothered with someone who has a VIP pass to the free clinic. 

Don’t back it up.  Back it off, huzzy!   

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To the supervisor who keeps asking his/her employee about the status of a project:  Realize that in the amount of time it takes for you to walk over to that employee’s desk, a family of baby snakes can devour the flesh of a nuisance human.  Silence speaks volumes.  

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[…and finally] To the person who simply won’t shut the hell up:  Either you stop talking or you may find yourself packing a bag for a very quick trip over a long cliff.  Hush already, will ya?  

If some of these commanding demands are a little too extreme for you to use on anyone who’s getting a little beside themselves where your business and peace of mind is concerned, then maybe you need to go somewhere and grow a backbone, because honestly more times than few, being direct is your best bet in telling someone to back the hell up and stay out of your beez-wax!  Truth be told you’re not being rude.  You’re being honest.  And if being honest is too hard for you to share with someone else, then the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.  The second thing is to realize that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 22-28, 2009

Ever wondered if you could change your luck if you knew what your future held?  Well guess what, Hottywood can help! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your french fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

None of your booty calls will answer their phones this week. Cold showers and porn will be God’s way of telling you He still cares.  Stay strong.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Hot chicks will flirt with you even if you are a woman but they will only have one eye brow. Beware of one-heeled polar bears and hairless puppies. Someone will piss you off all week. Buy insect repellent and rope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Do you like cold pastrami on molded pumpernickel bread with brown lettuce and government cheese?

…me neither.

Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that will make tomorrow better. Good luck.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Am Amish person will invite you to a polka dance and your paycheck will be short $58.13. Your grocery bill will be sky high and your bank account will be negative (-)$58.25.  Wear a paper bag over your broke ass head.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Goat cheese is your enemy. Your supervisor will not get laid this week and will take it out on you. Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state. Buy some paperclips. They are sharp and inconspicuous.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A little birdie is going to tell you you look fat. Purchase a new baking dish, you’re going to have chicken all week. Count to 5 backwards three times in your sleep.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You won’t win any congeniality awards this week because you are selfish, rude and right about everything. You’re going to have a good week because no one will want to be around you to get on your nerves. Use your time wisely to reflect on how arrogant you are.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This week you will be cursed with slouchy socks and extra tart morning breath. Avoid the subway. Everyone will view you as a moving target.

EVERYONE.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Invest in a plus-sized vocalist association. Your lover will stop being an ass only when the fat lady sings.  

…let me know how that works out for you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Any gift you receive will be broken. Then again you may not receive a gift at all so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Christmas will be better for you as long as anyone who might give you a gift this week does not give you a damn thing for Christmas.

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Quote of the Week:    “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?

WHY THE SEX STOPS WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS

Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 

 

Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

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Ass-Whooping: A Brain Deficiency Defined

leave me alone 2So you’re ex won’t take “No” for an answer, eh?  Someone owes you money and they aren’t grasping the concept of “Leave me alone before I body-slam your ass!”  And now you’re searching for an understanding of why your message isn’t getting across.   Well search no more.  Have I got the answer for you!   

It’s common.  We’ve all gone through it.  If you haven’t, you will.  You’ve told your ex to take a hike and they just don’t seem to let go.  What do you do? 

Let’s begin by naming the problem for what it really is.  Researchers have discovered that the point just before a person gets his or her ass whooped does in fact have a medical term.   Selective Lingual Comprehension.  I know…I know…you’ve probably never heard of this before.  Doctors are still researching the term and its cause.  But I have experienced its effect.  And though there is no known cure for this disease, I can help you identify it and steer you from a poor innocent soul who has been stricken with such a case.

What is Selective Lingual Comprehension?

memory loss 1Selective Lingual Comprehension (SLC), most commonly found in Americans or those who have been living in the states for a number of years, is a disturbance in the memory of stored information of variable durations and causes a victim to forget basic meaning of words and phrases.  It is a rare side effect of a person who loses certain parts of his/her memory after being abruptly evicted from a house (usually after a one-night stand or a bad lay) or a owes a financial debt.  Not much is known about this disease because it only results when certain areas of the head has been traumatized, when a debt is owed, or when the ego has been bruised.   

What are the symptoms of Selective Lingual Comprehension?

There are common elements in identifying people with this untreatable illness.  Those elements are not identified however, until after you’ve loaned them money or screwed them unmercifully in an inebriated or vulnerable rant.  Common symptoms are:

  • Refusing to accept a break up
  • Forgetting to repay a debt
  • Inventing false truths
  • Borrowing a car without permission

The list continues, but these are enough to get you started. 

What triggers Selective Lingual Comprehension and how can I avoid someone who has it?

Dollar signIt takes a small act of interest in the victim to set this mind boggling time bomb off in their brain.  If you have loaned them money, they will suddenly view you as a First National Bank.  They will continue to beg you for funds as if they are homeless or hooked on some obscene controlled substance like mushrooms or pre-mixed long island iced teas.  Before you shoot them in the esophagus with a bb gun, try telling them to hit the road or suggest they stand in front of a moving bus.  If they continue to ask you to loan them anything other than an envelope filled with anthrax, be prepared to “just say no” in an as many languages as your small little mind can retain.  Remember, they will unconsciously forget the English terms for rejection and/or acute threats, therefore flashlighting the key elements of the disease.  If you have loaned a SLC patient money, even if only once, that is the only thing they will see and remember.  You are now a living ATM machine and they will continue to withdraw from you until you have been dragged kicking and screaming to the poor house, arrested or murdered.  They do not understand the American meaning of the word, “no.”  Even death is a little grim. 

morning afterIf you have bedded an SLC casualty more than once, then you’re probably screwed.  Chances are they have lost all comprehension of rejecting words and will view anything you say as a ploy to get them back into the bedroom.  …or back seat of your car…depending on where and how good the first and second lay was.  Telling them “it’s over” is pointless.  A person who suffers from SLC will no longer recognize words such as “no” or “get lost.”  They will only interpret those references as “please” and “what time should I call you?” 

You must not get upset.  You mustn’t let yourself be consumed with a problem that has not yet been proven to be treatable.  If you have humped a person who suffers from selective language comprehension and have denied their requests for another delve into your god-given goodness, you should be knowledgeable of how to “just say no” in languages other than English, just as I have described for someone who owes a financial debt.  This will ensure that they get the message.  Once they have unconsciously forgotten the English pronunciation and definition of the word “no,” you should be armed with bilingual alternatives. The video below will give you a few examples.  Read them.  Study them.  Learn them.   If these examples still do not help you, result to violence.  Just consider making that your last option, unless your name rhymes with BottyhoodBelts.

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shadow boxingIf your preferred choice of international kiss-offs still carry no effect on the inflicted, punching always works.  Black eyes and broken ribs are just as much universal languages as music and art.  Purchase a pair of brass knuckles and shadow box every morning to sharpen your skills.  You will most likely meet a SLC martyr sooner rather than later.  Good defenses and weapons will be comforting and reliable if you are caught in a dark alley with a delusional gambit of the SLC condition. 

HidingWhen all else fails.  Hide.  Hide inside your file cabinet at your job.  Stock up on perishable foods and water and barricade the doors and windows of your home with 2x4s and barbed wire.  Surround yourself with vicious dogs and keep a reliable battery operated radio close by so you will not have to leave your home for any reason or as little as possible. 

Keep in mind that these are not proven facts to get rid of a person with selective lingual comprehension.  The alternative language(s) you choose to say “no,” “leave me the hell alone” or “kill yourself” are not guarantees that your offender will understand your denunciation…but it will be a step in the right direction. 

If my advice does not work, I will personally loan my shot gun to anyone who needs it.  I have plenty to spare, so don’t hesitate to ask.  I am as generous with my weapons as I am with my advice. 

On that note, I will get my walking shoes and skidattle.  Remember that you are always welcomed to stop by and check me out as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  Yes I will. 

Until next time my little chocolate sprinkled camel humps!  Don’t forget that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:   “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t don’t really matter.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009