Happy Friday, people.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’……
Ah hell. Never mind.
Nothing goes with a good breakfast like a good book! Get your copy of Hottywood Helps’ first novel, Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, today! Available at Amazon.com.
Just when that annoying indestructible strand of nipple hair had finally fallen out, I didn’t think things could get any better until my friends over at SmashingThroughLife nominated HottywoodHelps.com for a Liebster award.
Of course at first I had no idea what the hell a Lobster Liebster award was or why I was nominated for it, but if I’m being recognized for anything other than winning a pie eating contest, it’s all good with me, so thanks SmashingThroughLife. Folks, if you’ve not visited their website yet, get off your ass and go over there now. It’s some good stuff. If you don’t, you will forever walk into invisible spider webs with your mouth open.
Since you asked, I know you didn’t really but I’m going to tell you anyway what the Liebster award is. The Liebster award is a recognition that’s given to small bloggers by other small bloggers. There isn’t any money or chicken wings associated with the award (although there should be) but it’s nice to know that others are reading some unknown and/or underground blogs other than the blogger and the two or three people he’s holding hostage and forcing to stomach his/her literary works. If you are lucky enough to receive a nomination for this prestigious award like I have, then the universe (and by “universe” I mean the judges and nominators) request that you stop being lazy for just a second to do the following things.
- Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog. That’s just common courtesy like saying “please,” “thank you,” and “pass the damn jelly!”
- Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
- Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
- Display the Liebster Award logo.
- No tag back thingy’s.
Also as part of the process, it is asked that you reveal some interesting (and sometimes intrusive) facts about yourself by answering some questions that have been posed by the nominator (see #2 above). For example, below you’ll find some questions that SmashingThroughLife asked me. I don’t know if the answers I provided were exactly what was expected, but I’m going to assume part of the reason I was nominated for the Liebster award is because there’s no telling what the hell I will say next.
- How do you take your eggs? I take them out of the carton while I’m still inside the supermarket when no one is looking and place them inside my shirt or pants. Usually I look like I have man boobs or really big balls. Almost always no one has the “balls” to ask any questions. After I’ve taken and carefully hidden the eggs inside my clothes, I walk out of the store very quickly and very, very carefully.
- What is the best concert you’ve ever been to? The best concert I’ve ever been to was any concert where one of my personalities serenaded my other personalities in Russian Pig Latin. I may not have been able to translate any of the lyrics, but music like farting, is a universal language.
- What’s hiding under your bed right now? Dents in the floor from where I tried to cave in my downstairs neighbors’ ceiling after listening to one of their drunken late night trysts. Arguably I could have been jealous that I wasn’t invited or involved, but that’s not the question at hand now is it?
- Worst book you ever read, maybe you couldn’t even finish it. What was it? The book was called ‘Behind the Velvet Ropes’. I don’t remember much about it except that it made me wish I had a velvet rope tied around my neck with the other end [of the rope] attached to any car involved in a high speed police chase.
- How do you like your pizza topped? Duh. I like my pizza topped with another pizza.
- What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever eaten? Pickled raven’s wings. …don’t ask.
- What is the most played song on your iPod? ‘Bitch Please’ by Lil Wayne because the words are so romantic. Some of the lyrics say: “Stop lying, bitch,” and “Look into my eyes, ho.”
- Would you or do you go to the movies alone? I probably would go to the movies alone as long as it’s a matinee and there’s no one there to see me by myself, and no one there to think I have no friends. However I’m never alone and I never go anywhere alone. I have too many voices in my head. At least that’s what they tell me.
- When was the last time you got so drunk you couldn’t remember anything the next morning? I don’t know. I don’t remember. Last night is highly possible, though. Wait, what was the question?
- Something that makes you smile every single time you think of it. What is it? The thought of tying my old supervisor’s shoe strings to the back of an Amtrak train. He may not like it but I’d sure get a kick out of it. In fact, I’m smiling now just thinking about it.
- What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? The bravest thing I’ve ever done was flip my desk upside down, set it on fire and mooned an entire office of people while in the process of quitting my job (not necessarily in that order). Oh wait, you mean in real life? If you mean in real life, the bravest thing I think I’ve done was drop my pants to my ankles while peeing standing up.
Now that you’ve gotten all into my business, let me share with you a list of the blogs I’ve chosen to nominate for the Liebster award. I hope they take the time to follow directions and answer the 11 questions I’ve put together so that I and everyone in the blogisphere can get to know them a little better.
- Ned’s Blog
- Smashing Through Life
- Marriagecoach1’s Blog
- Dream Free or Die
- Sen1989 “The Prince of Urban Media”
- Stuff Black People Hate
- MDM Associates
- The Human Water Cooler
- Dark Office Humor
- My Everyday Power Blog
- Elife Advice
Nominated bloggers, please answer the 11 questions below:
- Do you hover over toilets in public bathrooms?
- What body part do you wash first?
- What’s the strangest talent that you don’t have?
- What’s one common reason all of your exes share for dumping you?
- If you had to choose between never washing your bed sheets and never washing your bath towel again, which would you choose?
- If you were the only man/woman on Earth with the very last McDonald’s French fry, where would you hide?
- When was the last time you played an air guitar?
- Name something that you do alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.
- Have you ever sniffed an armadillo’s butt (if not, you’ve not lived)?
- How often do you clean out your belly button?
- Have you ever found your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s brother/sister/friend more attractive than them?
So that’s what it is, my people. I’ve been nominated for an award; answered some questions about myself for all of you that are nosy enough to care (or not to care); and I’ve given my nominations for those I think are worthy enough to be recognized. What the hell more do you want from me? Geez.
As I pack my long tree branch with a bunch of personal things wrapped up in a bandana tied to the end of the stick, I want to say “much love to you all” before I take my hike! Let us all remember 90% of any effort is getting started. The other 10% leaves you too tired to care about finishing what took you so long to start in the first place.
Again, thanks for nominating Hottywood Helps. Now you won’t have to wake up to glass bottle caps under your car tire every morning.
Dear Metro Officials,
I’m taking the time to write this letter to wholeheartedly say to you, “Thanks for nothing.”
Every time I get on the train, about five minutes after my ride begins, I am reminded of just how intolerably ghetto you are. Maybe it’s the constant breakdowns, the fires on the train tracks, the suicidal jumpers, the muggers, the single tracked cars, the broken escalators and elevators, the no shuttle bus services or the constant hike in fares that give me so little hope that you will ever get your shit together.
Last night during the one hundred and tenth minute of my thirty minute commute, I had nothing but time to read the newspaper and was a little surprised at the ambitious plan metro has for an upgrade, which is presumed to be paid for by metro riding tax payers – an expense that will cost millions if not billions of dollars. Of course we’d be happy to pay for your upgrades. Why not? You are already bleeding us dry from a system that barely works. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to add more subway lines and underground tunnels that will more than likely cost more trouble and add more time to our commutes while taking more money out of our pockets and paychecks? Please know that I say this with the most sincere sarcasm.
My intent on writing this open letter of disappointment and disgust to you is tarnished by my body’s lack of strength as I am completely exhausted from last night’s wait in a sea of angry metro riders for the next available shuttle bus to ANY metro station remotely close to my home, which unsurprisingly didn’t arrive for at least two hours after you made a public announcement that there was no longer any running trains to my station. I believe your exact words were, “If you are traveling in the direction of Greenbelt (the opposite way from my home, of course) there will be a twenty minute delay. If you are traveling in the direction of Branch Avenue (guess where I was headed), you are out of luck! There is no metro service at this time and God only knows when we’ll be up and running again.”
Aren’t you tired of singing this song? I know I’m tired of hearing it.
Oh, to dream of the days of old where commuters were transported to their destinations by giant tyrannosaurus rexes like on the Flintstones. Life would be so much simpler, provided those dinosaurs wouldn’t eat their passengers which, in all honesty, wouldn’t be any worse than what metro is doing to its riders today.
Quote of the Week: “Mass transportation is doomed to failure because a person’s car is the only place where he can be alone and think.”