Two Arrested After Jousting Match with Frozen Cigarette Smoke

Posted: Feb 20, 2015 11:39 AM EST
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SUITLAND, Md. – Two people are facing charges following a fight that broke out Thursday evening at a Maryland metro station bus stop.

Maryland State Police said the fight started around 5:15 p.m. between the Suitland metro station and the Come & Get It Liquor House on Silver Hill Road.

Police were called to the scene when two men, Sanchez Donino Marlo Estifan Elsavador Mario Plazza, Jr. and Billy Bob Norris, got into a physical scuffle, or sword fight as some witnesses described the altercation, when the smoke from their cigarettes had frozen due to the evening’s bitter cold temperatures and collided when a strong gust of wind knocked one man off his balance, lunging him into the other. Once the two men bumped, their ice-covered cigarette smoke shattered, much like jousting horseman wielding superhuman yet non indestructible glass lances, chipping the cigarettes and the fingers of each man holding them. That, sources say, is when all hell broke loose.

Maryland police sent out a smoke signal shortly after they were called, advising all passersby to stop at the nearby Liquor House to get a bag of popcorn so they can witness the battle until the first available officer nearest the commotion finished wolfing down his donut before pressing his way to the unruly scene. Unfortunately the smoke signal froze upon first contact of the open air and came crashing down from the sky until it hit the brawlers and spectators on the head, knocking almost everyone in the vicinity unconscious, as well as the cops and criminals perusing the exterior of the police station after the signal was sent.

Southern Maryland Hospital is now full of concussion patients who are all being treated for minor injuries, except for Plazza and Norris who are both getting wooden forefinger replacements to substitute the fingers they broke during their fight.

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Man Jumped for Not Sharing His Weed to Celebrate Vatican’s White Smoke Announcement

Church FightKILLEM COURT, Connecticut – Rodney McSausagefoot was beaten senseless in a parking lot of a Catholic church in Connecticut’s Killem Court Projects for sparking up a joint filled with marijuana after hearing of the Vatican’s announcement of a new Pope.

“Firing up a jay is how we celebrate good news in the hood. Actually firing up a jay is how we celebrate bad news in the hood.” McSausagefoot said before undergoing evaluation for the concussion he suffered from the assault.

Neighbors were outraged at the Catholic’s harsh reaction to the victim’s unwillingness to share his weed at the time of one of the most historical moments in Catholic history.

When police asked McSausagefoot why he didn’t offer any of his smoke to the attackers before being attacked he responded, “…because they didn’t put in on this.”

McSausagefoot could face a steep fine or a sentence in a county jail for being stingy with his weed.

Bathroom Etiquette No Laughing Matter At All-Midget Clown Convention

Midget ClownSAN DIEGO, CA – Violence erupted at the first ever all-midget clown convention Wednesday night after a gang of half-pint jesters got into a brawl in a bathroom stall.

The convention, comprised of clowns no taller than 3 ½ ft, started off on a high note with several performers from the comedian community taking to the circus-inspired stage. Things took a turn when a commotion erupted in a nearby restroom.

According to several eyewitnesses, the brawl broke out when a farceur urinated in a private stall without closing the door behind him. The sound of the pint-sized picador’s urination pouring into the commode annoyed the other occupants of the restroom so much that they threw bars of soap at him and began screaming expletives, followed by brutal punches.

San Diego police were called to the scene as the war between the little people exploded into a big mess.

A spokesman for the convention had no comment on the matter itself but expressed with much conviction that bathroom etiquette is a big deal in the midget community.

Monies raised from this year’s convention registration fees will go towards the purchase of a nursery of baby tree bushes for next year’s assembly so all of the little people can pee publicly in private.

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Quote of the Week:  “When a clown dies, everyone arrives at the funeral in one car.”

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Food Poisoning The Latest Weight Loss Craze in Hollywood

Hollywood, CA – Some of the hottest celebrities in Tinseltown have been spotted with shopping carts full of expired foods from their local grocery stores in a strange effort to get on board the latest weight loss epidemic – food poisoning.

According to one popular highly publicized blond divorced “Friends” star who wishes to remain anonymous, the noroviruses in unhygienic products are just the right amount of contamination, resulting in nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, to lose a noticeably photogenic amount of weight. Though the star has once been very open in the past about using the Atkins diet to maintain a Hollywood-approved slender frame, she admits Atkins is the most unhealthy diet of all, “unlike food poisoning,” she says, “which also serves as a full body cleanser. It’s the best of two worlds.”

The new unhealthy diet plan leaves hundreds of overly paid celebrity nutritionists, personal trainers and plastic surgeons out of work. U.S. Bankruptcy Court documents in California reportedly show multiple jumping jack specialists and counterfeit medical companies filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and estimated loss liabilities at $100 million to $600 million, about the cost a celebrity pays per week to get snapped with the body they want for a picture they pray will never show up on a “What Were They Thinking” list in a tabloid on a grocery store shelf.

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Quote of the Week:  “It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.”

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Arizona Woman Fired For Philandering With Footless Alien

A woman from Red Mesa, AZ who says she was fired for engaging in personal relations with a footless extraterrestrial filed a lawsuit against her former employer, Socks Socks Socks, Inc.

Margaret Shackleberry’s lawsuit accuses Arizona-based socks retailer Triple S, Inc. of discriminating against her unearthly boyfriend, whose name can not be pronounced because he is not from this planet, for not having any feet.

“The last few days have been very difficult. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s tough,” she told reporters of HottywoodHelps.com.

Shackleberry filed papers in a backwater court house just one day after the socks retailer let her go, citing disability discrimination under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

An attorney for Socks Socks Socks, Inc. said in a statement that Shackleberry was laid off for personal hygienic reasons, and feels confident the case will not hold up in a court of law on the grounds that her significant other is not a card carrying citizen of the planet Earth. Shackleberry has not yet responded to the attorney’s rebuttal against her discrimination accusations.

The lawsuit, filed in an Apache County Superior Court on February 11, seeks a minimum of $12,564,785.22, a red convertible Volkswagon and a lifetime supply of Persian cat fetuses.

Shackleberry started as a temporary floor sweeper in late 2012 with the small company and became a full-time employee in January 2013 according to the lawsuit.

Defense attorneys have until mid-March to respond to the lawsuit, or at least finish laughing at it.

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Quote of the Week:  “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”— Jay Leno

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Obama, West Collaborate Presidential Election Campaign Album: “If I Ruled the World”

President Barack Obama is under fire for his recent election campaign collaboration album with hip hop artist Kanye West.  

The album entitled “If I Ruled the World,” according to an anonymous Obama administration source, is said to be the Commander-in-Chief’s attempt to fall next in line to conjugate with reality star Kim Kardashian, who is rumored to be featured on the LP’s second track, conveniently titled “What an Armenian She-Devil Won’t Do for a Buck.”   

The unlikely alliance between the self-proclaimed king of pop and the political giant stuns music lovers and politicians alike and tailgates the president’s second grade-school name calling antics, reaffirming the ever humble West as a “jackass.” 

In September 2009 Obama memorably christened West a jackass after the hip hop mogul hammer jacked Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, leaving the country chanteuse to stain her overpriced studded gown with tears of embarrassment.