Twas the Night Before Christmas in the Hood

By Hottywood Helps

Twas the night before Christmas, all was said and done

Not a creature stirred, not a roach, rat or bum.

The stockings were hung on the radiator with fear

That St. Nicholas would knock it over like he did last year.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

High from the weed that had gone to their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our skins from a long booty clap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,

Someone’s car was being jacked by some random masked boys.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

To make sure it wasn’t my car or I’d have to kick someone’s ass.

The moonlight bounced off the oil stained snow

Which pissed off the property manager and the neighborhood ho.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a pimped out sleigh and mutts dressed as reindeer.

With a little old driver shifting gears on the stick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his curse words came,

He whistled, and slurred, and called the bitches by name!

“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the hood and over that wall!

Don’t piss on the roof or else I’ll slip and fall!

The bare naked trees that stood tall in the sky

Were blocking the vision of my already bad eyes.

To the roof of the projects the pimped ride flew,

With a bag of IOU’s and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

St. Nicholas falling into a pile of dog poop.

He was wiping his butt when I turned around.

St. Nick wasn’t as jolly as you’d expect him to sound.

He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his feet,

He gave me a head nod instead of using words to speak.

He carried with him a bundle of toys

That he’d stolen from other little girls and boys.

His eyes were red from the liquor he drank.

His breath was all stinky.  Santa was tanked!

He was mad from the poop that was smeared on his clothes,

Either that or from when he accidentally rubbed his nose.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

The same as the crackhead’s from down the street.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

I think he had the munchies because he asked for some jelly.

Stoned or drunk, he was a giant old midget

That was stealing, not giving, and couldn’t control his fidget.

A wink of his eye cloaked with Christmas care

Made me think I should probably be scared.

He spoke not a word, he made not a sound,

But as I predicted knocked the radiator to the ground.

When the children woke up, out of the window he flew,

Santa had done what he’d come to do.

He left us with nothing but a note under the tree

That read, “Next year Christmas is on me.”

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas next year ’cause tonight is my night!”

___________________________________________________________

 ___________________________________________________________

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2016

image

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Quote of the week:  “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I hate it when someone walks into my office and asks me dumb questions like, “are you busy?” Of course I’m busy. I’m at work. Is there an appropriate way to tell someone to go away and leave me the hell alone?”

There Goes My Promotion

Dear There Goes My Promotion,

BUSYI can advise you that telling someone to go away and leave you the hell alone is a sure way to not only lose a promotion but also your job in its entirety. Why don’t you try skipping deodorant for a few days or not brushing your teeth for a week? I promise you no one will want to come near you. With these actions, you won’t have to use any language prohibited in the workspace (“no,” “I can’t,” “I’m busy.”).

Unless you come right out and say you’re otherwise preoccupied by order of God, there’s no amount of acceptable deterring appropriateness that will discourage a colleague from interrupting you for any reason. In the office world, saying the word “no” to anyone or “yes, I’m busy” is laughable, ill-advised and punishable by pink slip.

If you have a private office, you may try barricading your door so no one can get in. The problem with that is you may not be able to get out. You’ll realize how big of a problem this can be when (a) you have to use the bathroom and (b) when it’s time to leave for the day. If by some off chance you are able to keep your door closed for the day with the ability to enter and exit, you want to make sure that whenever you leave your office (bathroom break, lunch break, smoke break, etc.) you do so as clandestinely as possible. This would be a prime time to exercise your ninja stealth skills. Hide behind shadows, slither on the floor like a garden snake, or even trying emailing yourself to wherever you need to be. Be warned, though. Most officemates are nosey as hell. No matter how hard you try to be invisible there is always someone watching you. ALWAYS.

If you have a cubicle, I’m sorry to say you’re screwed. As long as your colleagues can see your face you are available to them. Period.

Your best option is to try my ‘not washing your ass’ suggestion. Good luck with that!

Hottywood

 


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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 8-14, 2016

pancake-o

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


This week’s HORRORscope is for all of the zodiac signs. 

“Your nipples will expand to the size of

flap-jacks.” 


Quote of the week:  “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I think I have a crush on one of my co-workers. The head on my shoulders is telling me to avoid an office romance at all costs (things never go well when I don’t listen to my instincts) while the head in my pants is telling me the complete opposite. What do you think?

Glutton for Punishment

Dear Glutton for Punishment,

Office RomanceHere is a very simple answer to a very simple question. NO! Turn around and walk away, and by walk away I mean RUN! It is never, ever a good idea to engage in an office romance.

Before I tell you the reasons why engaging in an office romance is a bad, and I’m sure these reasons will come as no surprise to you; you should smack yourself on the forehead one good time for seemingly insisting on once again not listening to your instincts. You’re about to set yourself up for a failure intentionally. If things tend to go wrong when you refuse to listen to yourself, why in the hell would you think things will be different this go around? Oh wait . . . I know why. The head in a man’s pants usually makes clearer sense than the one on his shoulders. I get it. I’m a guy so I fully understand. Still, my friend, this has red flag written all over it.

What if your interoffice relationship goes wrong? After sharing intimate details of your life with your romanticized co-worker, all of your personal business could be published in the company newsletter. We’re talking everything from the color of your underwear to the rhythm of your stroke.

What if the results of your work suffer for any reason? There would be no doubt that upper-level management would assume you’re distracted because you brought your personal relationship to the office.

What if random women in your office building start laughing, pointing and whispering as you walk down the hall? Chances are the size of your manhood has been discussed and is in question. You don’t want to piss off the woman you’re sleeping with at the office. There’s no wrath like a woman scorned so you’ll have to become her flunky and do everything she says in order to stay in her good graces. You better be one hell of a hookup because if you’re not you are in trouble. She’ll get tired of you not being what she expects and eventually she’ll dump you anyway because you’re weak – having to do everything you’re told for the sake of your reputation. Work is the one place where no one knows the details of your after-hours life. It’s the place where you have to appear to be a lion, not a pussy. Don’t give up your power for some booty.

What if you get into an argument with your romanticized co-worker during business hours? The tires on your car could all be flattened, leaving you stranded in the parking lot. AAA may be convenient but the wait for their arrival is often times brutal.

What if while you’re making out with your romanticized co-worker on top of a copier machine after hours, all your special goods are accidentally xeroxed and later falls into the hands of the night shift cleaning crew? Your goose is cooked!  I wouldn’t trust any after-hours cleaning crew. They have keys to everything – even your doom.

What if your romanticized co-worker is best friends with your supervising manager? All hell will break loose, shit will hit the fan and your ass would be emphatically fired.

Listen, Glutton for Punishment, if you don’t listen to your own instincts at least listen to mine. Trust me. I’ve taken a cruise on this ship and it is not a trip that should be taken lightly. Stay your ass away from anyone that works in the same building as you. Say good morning and good night and staple everything else closed – your mouth, your penis, your butt – whatever. The only things you should be focused on in the workplace are a promotion and a raise. Not a rise, if you get my drift.

Good luck with that and be sure to keep me posted.

Hottywood


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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 1-7, 2016

magic orange

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have no special skills not involving a broom. However,  you are clean every Wednesday.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.


Quote of the week:  “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 17-23, 2016

Bad Day

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.


Quote of the week:  “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”

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Permission to Replace Office Swivel Chair with Air Mattress

MEMO

TO:  Superior Managers of If I Told You I’d Have To Kill You (IITYIHTKY) Enterprises

FROM:  HNIC, No One Matters But Me Department

SUBJECT:  Permission to Replace Office Swivel Chair with Air Mattress

DATE:  Half Pass Right Now, 2016


This notice of memorandum serves as an official request for permission to replace [suite #211] swivel chair with a home-supplied air mattress.

Attached you will find a signed medical notice from Dr. Boo Boo McLeod, MD of the Unsanctified Round-a-Way Medical Center, requesting that human resource officials and all other appropriate personnel of IITYIHTKY Enterprises acknowledge and honor doctor’s recommendation for Hottywood Helps to permissibly replace is raggedy office swivel chair with a tricked out air mattress, in an effort to avoid any further compulsory medical treatment administered due to a rare case of coworkersannoystheshitoutofmeoxia, from which Mr. Helps suffers.

This condition causes Mr. Helps to lash out at fellow No One Matters But Me Department staff and risks interruption of interoffice departmental work progress, therefore he should be granted immediate approval to replace said furniture with a more comfortable sleep-encouraging apparatus.

Upon recent telephone conversations with Mr. Helps’ physician, Dr. Boo Boo McLeod, and in addition to research gathered from the world wide web, an air mattress would ensure Mr. Helps’ speedy recovery from coworkersannoystheshitoutofmeoxia.  Should the mattress coerce Mr. Helps into a temporary midday coma, the respite would ignite unused cells in his brain ultimately improving his work performance and allowing him to overcome the late day grogginess that so many IITYIHTKY Enterprises employees experience on a day-to-day basis (water cooler rumors have it).

I am in favor of supporting the healthiness of my entire staff and request that all official authorized superior managers do the same as long as proper documentation is supplied, not to include death threat notices.

In the event that further references are needed and/or necessary (in addition to Dr. McLeod’s recommendation), the telephone numbers of the below listed names may be provided upon request:

Please note that all below listed persons are dead so it may take a while to gather the information you seek [if applicable]. 

  • Winston Churchill
  • Napoleon Bonaparte
  • Albert Einstein
  • Leonardo Da Vinci
  • John F. Kennedy

Quote of the Week:   “A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting.”

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Can You Out-Snob a Snob?

As much as some of us hate to admit it, every single one of us has a little bit of snob in us. There are the hidden snobs that prefer bottled water over tap; the snobs that prefer “loud” over “bush”; the snobs that prefer lager over malt; snobs that prefer to eat their Snickers and pizza slices with a fork rather than using their fingers; snobs that refuse to wear the same thing twice (including wearing underwear two days in a row); snobs that won’t use public restroom facilities even though their stomachs are all but imploding from bubble-gut-itis; snobs that prefer one-on-on sex over group sex; snobs that prefer 7-11 hot dogs over vendor stand hot dogs; snobs that only eat a certain kind of ketchup or mayonnaise; snobs that are too good to bag someone else’s groceries for a living or take a food order as a drive-thru clerk; snobs that won’t eat a potato chip three seconds after it’s been dropped on the floor; snobs that judge people by the color of their shoe strings; snobs that…aw hell, you get the point! There are a whole bunch of snobs in the world. If you are able to lay your eyes on any person, then you are looking at a snob. But hold up…the same rule applies if another person can lay their eyes upon your snobbish ass!

Given this truth, it is always entertaining to watch a snob out-snob a snob.

There really is no point to this post except to remind us all that no one is perfect or any better than another. Everyone has issues; everyone has baggage; everyone has flaws. But it’s the snob in us that won’t admit those issues, bags or flaws out loud. Instead we’d rather wait and take offense when another snob airs out our dirty laundry. Do you see what I’m talking about? The snob in us won’t allow us to be honest with ourselves.

Endora (from Bewitched) said it best when she chanted the spell:

“…on the count of three we will see what a snob this clod can be.”


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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 13-19, 2016

Beer in Future

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wrong questions get wrong answers.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.


Quote of the week:  “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”

A Historic Leap Year Bedtime Story: You’ve Got to Pay to Play

Fellas, today is the one day that you really don’t want to wear deodorant – especially if you’re single or once hooked up with a woman who saw hearts on your nipples instead of androgenic hair.

History deems February 29th as the day when any three-eyed bearded woman, whose weight happens to be more than a double-trunked compact automobile, is allowed to pursue any man of her desire relentlessly for 24 hours and beat the hell out of him until he agrees to marry her.  Refusal of the proposed nuptuals would come at a price.

The tale began some time in 5th century Ireland, when a desperate wench in the heat of unbridled passion finally asked the question to her then inamorato, “What’s love got to do with it?”, which [arguably] later inspired Tina Turner’s 1984 hit single “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”  

The wench, very generous with her “jewelry box,” was pretty pissed off at her gentlemen caller for hooking up with her for her booty without taking up interest in asking for her hand in marriage.  Tired of being labeled a harlot, one night while wrapped in the arms of her philanderer, she finally complained of the sexual unfairness.  Much like today, the man friend spoke from his head in the southern region rather than the northern, and finally relented to set aside February 29th as the day the harlot would be allowed the right to ask for his hand in marriage.  As years passed and their relationship dissipated, four years succeeding their emotionless relations the moll took the sir up on his offer, not discerning the family he had since started with another woman of whom he’d developed genuine feelings for.

The harlot, who had not heard from her ex mister in a few turns of a set of 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds, tracked down her old beau to insist that he honor the promise he made to her in the bed where they lay one February night four calendars passed.  She had ridden a mule to the gentleman’s manor and hid behind a tall horse in a backyard stable with unsubtle patience, awaiting his bride to leave the grounds with their young.  Once the beau was left alone in the abode, she entered the estate, stripped him of his clothes as any honorable 5th century hooker would, and screwed him silly.  With each pelvic thrust upon his, she reminded him of the promise he made to her four years preceding that moment of conscripted fornication.  Now, being a faithful gentleman betrothed to the woman who bore his namesake, the former gigolo refused the harlot’s proposal.  Luckily for him, this woman was scorned in the 5th century and not in present day time.  Although the history of this tale is not completely substantiated, it is rumored that once the proposal was rejected, the harlot forced a razor to the gentleman’s neck and demanded that he repay her heartbreak with a final [tongue] kiss, a silk dress or a pair of gloves.

…talk about a cheap date.

Since then, February 29th has been associated with the day where a woman can be a butch for 24 hours and ask for a man’s hand in marriage or make him pay a penalty for [the proposal] rejection, which if you ask me is a win-win for the woman.  Who’s being unfair now?


Quote of the Week:  “Love is not having to say you’re sorry, unless of course your private parts stink when you’re getting special kisses.”

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What Valentine’s Day is All About

Today is Valentine’s Day – the day for spouses and fornicating significant others and side pieces and online sex hook uppers. Today is the day when 90% of the planet’s population get cavities or lose their teeth altogether; when cupids all over the world are gunned down by water guns filled with bleach or B.B. guns loaded with anthrax coated pellets; when dogs in residential neighborhoods hop the fences of their backyards to hump any bitch with four legs; when single people hide under rocks or disconnect their cell phones or purposely not log onto FaceBook.

To some people today is the day of love, romance, sugar, spice and everything replicated on the all-Triple X channel (which of course means humping until you drop). To others it’s the day they are reminded their sex appeal lacks what it needs to get them laid.

Whatever today is for you, make the most of it. Celebrate your love – even the ones you rent by the hour. Feel yourself up if you don’t have anyone to share this day with, and eat a lot of chocolate.

Because everybody knows Valentine’s Day means nothing at all without chocolate.



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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 7-13, 2016

flying cat

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.


 

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.


Quote of the week:  “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 17-23, 2016

SOUL

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Lure the wolf with a hen.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.” 


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.


Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST

Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.

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Same Sh*t, New Year: The Joy of Returning to the Office After a Long Holiday Break

Back to WorkIt doesn’t take long to get back into the swing of office hum-drum after spending days away of celebrating the Christmas/New Year holiday season. What makes me an expert in this truth is the return to the office, obviously.

As I sit at my desk sifting through piles of unfiled folders, past due email reminders, and pretending to be interested in my coworkers’ holiday fiascos, the one thing that sails the ocean of my mind is how much more of no real work I’m going to do than what I did before 2015 said goodbye for the last time.

I’m not going to return any emails today. I’m not going to check the voicemail messages that have my audix light flashing. I’m not going to contribute any comments to the first staff meeting of the year. I’m not going to file any folders. I’m not even going to pour hot coffee over the copier machine. I’m just going to sit here and continue to be paid to fill a seat behind an oak desk, the way God intended.

This list of nots is not to be confused with me not wanting to be here, because in all honesty I’m very glad to have returned. Being home on vacation doing nothing has a completely different feel than being at work doing nothing on paid time. I actually do miss my coworkers. I just don’t want to talk them. Same as last year. I also need a place to escape in order to prevent myself from drinking fully loaded alcoholic beverages for breakfast. …well I guess I can do that at work but contrary to popular belief that’s frowned upon. Same as last year. Go figure.

I guess when I think about it, my New Year attitude has only changed as it regards my personal life. For example when bill collectors call to hound me for a payment of a bill I have no intention to pay, I’m going to answer the phone and tell them I’m unavailable just like their phone number when the word unavailable pops up on the caller id.

Debt Collector

When it comes to work though, nothing’s changed. Same work. Same shit. It’s just a new year. If my memory serves me correctly (I’ve been told I suffer from CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) syndrome), I think I said this very same thing last year. With that said I don’t see a reason for me to rock the boat especially since I can’t swim.

On that note I’m going to go now. Line 2 is ringing although I’m not going to answer it. Instead I’m going to roam the halls in the event it’s an inside caller. That way I won’t be lying when I have to tell someone I wasn’t in my office when they called – coincidentally, just like I used to do last year.


Quote of the Week:   “You should check your email more often. You may have gotten fired three weeks ago.”

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