Office Work Leads to Excessive Alcohol Consumption

If we were to take a trip back in time to the era when alcohol was first invented (roughly 10,000 B.C.), we’d stumble upon the first person to blame their steamy night of unbridled passion on liquor. We’d stumble upon the first wino. We’d also stumble upon the first person to ever have a hangover at work.

 

Fast forward a few thousand years later and not much has changed. The average man or woman today can be found wobbling the streets in an off balanced attempt to walk off the beer bottles and shot glasses from their previous night (or their lunch break) that could potentially land their cold sweats in some major hot water.

As common as it is to drink in lively spirit (or even in depression or out of sheer voracity), it is equally as common for man to drag himself to the office by the collar with a hangover from hell. This act is about as common as skinny jeans for men and outlandish faux eyelashes for women and drag queens.

If you say you’ve never gone to work with a hangover you’re a liar. And if you believe your colleagues spend half the morning vomiting in the office pee-hole because they ate a bad bagel, you’re a fool. In fact, office work leads to  excessive consumption of alcohol. It’s a proven fact.

These days, employees drink to drown high levels of work-related stress. They drink to avoid punching their colleagues and supervisors in the nose. They drink to mask the tasteless flavors of the job’s cafeteria food. They drink to help them sleep through half of the eight hour work day. They drink because it’s necessary.

Even though there are ways to hide a hangover – scotch tape connecting the eyelids to the eyebrows; toothpicks in eyelids; painting pupils on closed eyes; bleach-based eye drops; – why bother going through all that effort, especially if and when the hangovers are a result of work overflow?

Instead of laying shame on the enormous intake of fermented beverages, hangovers should be something to be proud of. Excessive drinking brought on by the overwhelm of the office is validation that an employee is working harder than the human body can take. It means that employee is actually doing something between the hours of 9AM-5PM. He/She is doing his/her work, even if they are cranky from work overload and slowly bleeding to death from unfiled paper cuts and blisters on their keyboard typing fingers. Who cares if the employee’s head is ready to implode as long as the week’s progress report is up to par?

Managers in the workforce that forbid their employees to drink on the job ought to be ashamed of themselves. They want their cake and they want to eat it too, but not offer any of the damn cake to the drunk worker so he/she can soak up the liquor still lingering in their system. Isn’t that selfish?

Hard working employees shower with their clothes on to save time in the morning to go to work for a man dressed in a starched button down shirt who can’t even remember his department team members’ names. They hang themselves up in the closet at night hoping that being that much closer to their wardrobe will save them a confusing amount of effort of trying to decide what to throw on in the morning that will allow them enough time to catch the 7:10am shuttle bus.  And that amount of trouble is still not enough to convince manager(s) to implement a policy that supports the purchase of vodka and brandy from a vending maching inside the staff break room. Seriously, is that too much ask?

Employers don’t realize by now that employees that are bright-eyed and bushy tailed are really slackers? Those peppy office mates must not be underworked if they are not suffering from the medically acclaimed “Idranktoomuchlastnightis” or “Idranktoomuchonmyfifteenminutecoffeebreakoxology,” like all the rest of the American workforce. They are obviously not stressed out from full inboxes, emails and extended staff meetings. They are purposeless to the team and therefore should be fired. And any manager that doesn’t realize that ought to be fired too. Or set on fire.

Until employers, managers, supervisors, bosses, or whatever title they go by these days, hip themselves to the various stresses their subordinates go through every day, employees will continue to come to work with red eyes and fiery attitude problems. They will continue to sweat gin through their open pores. And they will continue to secretly sneak a swig from their flask under their desk just to get the job done and ensure themselves that they’ll get a paycheck at the end of the week.

Don’t think all managers don’t know that they are employing professional alchies to type a winning memo to the boss’ boss. Congress simply has not yet passed an appropriate bill that will allow those managers to stop playing stupid.


Quote of the week:  “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”

Hang Out MORE and Hangover LESS: Professional Drunkism

Are you some poor lush who can’t help but to get wasted every now and then, and by “every now and then” I mean all the damn time?  Do you make a complete ass out of yourself when you’ve been filled with the libation of your choice?  Do you dance on table tops, strip in front of crowds, or consistently leak fumes of alcohol through your pores?  Then your butt needs to be glued to a seat with your eyelids scotch-taped to your eyebrows so you can read the following message:

“THERE IS HOPE FOR YOUR DRUNK ASS!”

There is no denying that there’s pure greatness in losing all your inhibitions when alcohol comes into play.  Who are we kidding?  It’s the best feeling on the planet — next to sex, of course.  Think about it; not caring or worrying about anything or anyone – no reservations, hesitations or anything that ends in “ations.”  But with great joy also comes great pain.  That which we call the “hangover.”

Hangovers are the enemy.  They remind us how much of a great time we’ve had the night before – true, but they also remind us that we are not above the overwhelming headaches, stomach aches and barf bags.  So to all you alchies who can’t function without a drink in your hand as well as to the novice victims of inebriation, below are a few tips to help your joyful pathetic soul avoid the dreaded hangover, as much as possible.

Tip #1:  Though it goes without saying that dark drinks gets your goose loose in no time flat, they also bring on the worse hangovers and dries your mouth out like salt to a slug.  So pump yourself with water while you are drinking.  If you don’t want to be the only health-conscious lush at the party, try drinking a glass of water after every 3rd drink.  You want to prevent dehydration as much as possible.   And since drinking heavily causes you to pee-pee often, it only makes sense that you drink enough water to cover what you lose in urination, right?  In addition to the dehydration making you feel as if the room is spinning and you can pass out at any moment, it also makes your breath stink.  And no one wants that!

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Tip #2:   Keep some ibuprofen handy.  It’ll be your best friend when the morning after is laughing at you hysterically for A) tongue-kissing that total stranger in the middle of the dance floor or B) forgetting where the hell you left your underwear, provided your hot ass wore some to begin with.  Either way, it’s best to pop the pill just before you pass out and hit your head on the coffee table…I mean pillow.

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Tip #3:   Squirt some lemon juice on your tongue prior to drinking like a fish.  Something in the juice causes you not to get quite so sick, leaving you more precious time to practice your best interpretation of a wino!   Lemon juice also adds zest to the drink of your choice, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone.

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Tip #4:  The absorption of ethyl alcohol is dependent on the rate of gastric emptying.  For all you jocks and floozies who never paid attention in science, biology or chemistry class – don’t drink on an empty stomach.  The more slow-digesting foods you eat before drinking, the slower you will absorb alcohol.  Fatty and protein-rich foods digest slower, so they work best.  Think steak n’ cheese & burgers!  Mmmm.

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Tip #5:  Since NOT drinking isn’t an option to avoid or prevent a hangover, make sure you have nothing to do the next day and sleep like a lazy bum!   Just be aware that that’ll be the time when everyone will want to visit or call you.  After all, isn’t that life’s funny little way?  Sending people to look you in your baggy eyes when you look and feel your absolute worst?   Life can be a real bitch sometimes.   And so can the people who are busy laughing at your hungover ass.

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These tips are not all guaranteed to keep you partying all night long.  We’ll leave that to the rock stars.  But they will help you party longer with less of a throbbing afterwards.  And if even if you choose to ignore all these useful words of wisdom, there’s one thing I implore you never to forget: 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

Cheers to the Weekend: The Grand-daddy of Regret

Once upon a time an innocent boy, low on the popularity totem pole, decided to ignore his good-boy conscious and opted for once to live life to the fullest.

His adventures began with one little glass of alcohol…

As a result, the boy who otherwise would not have been taken seriously by any woman in a romantic arena got laid for the first time by a woman who would be considered by some to be as large as the arena itself.

He closed his eyes as he experienced his first romantic encounter – or so he thought – until he realized his eyes weren’t closed at all. Instead he was buried and suffocated by the weight of the woman’s massive house-like body.

It took all of 15 minutes before the large woman determined the noises coming from the frail boy wasn’t moans of pleasure, but rather yelps for mercy. Soon after, she freed him from her relentless grip. He ran in terror with a shred of dignity and even more shredded underwear. Sadly his equilibrium was about as note worthy as his judgment in alcohol and women.

As he sped away from the quiet street of the unfamiliar neighborhood of his plump love bucket, his car swerving from one side of the street to the other, he was tailed and pulled over by the cops for suspicion of drinking while under the influence.

Just when he thought things could get no worse…

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Quote of the Week:  “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

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Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

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Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 18-24, 2011

Here we are to you know when and what happens now is better than what happened then. Although sh*t will happen much if it could, it’ll all be all right with some insight from Hottywood.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Covering one lie with another is like covering bad meat with gravy.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Every Pizza Hut across the country will have a shortage of dough, limiting your menu choices to a cup of cheese & an IOU.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’ve had a rough night if the reflection in your mirror looks like Flavor Flav.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Out of seven billion people on the planet, no one has any business chasing after the one who doesn’t want to be caught.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

An obese midget named Bertha is going to flirt with you right after her jazzercize class while still wearing a thong leotard.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The common denominator of five failed relationships is you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The reason why people keep asking you where you’re going is because they know the places you’ve been.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

People who speak out of their ass talk a lot of sh*t.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slapping a McDonald’s cashier is unethical and probably illegal, but arguably therapeutic.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Finding the love of your life is easier than you think if you show a little chest hair and butt fat.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You feel slow and sleepy today, and that could mean that you’re finding it harder than usual to pay attention. In other words today is no different than any other day.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When speaking to people today, let your eyes do the talking. Yellow teeth is a conversation distraction.

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Quote of the week:   “If you think too much about the past, you’ll never be able to look to the future.”

Payback is a Bitch!

Kats and kittens, it’s time for us to sit our fat asses down for a minute to mean-mug those folks who take advantage of other people.  We don’t even really need to discuss a particular band of abusers but we’ll name them so they will know we’re on to them and are against their bullsh*t.  

The Offenders:  

Non-debt paying money borrowers; the folks who only call when they need/want something; the people who stand you up for dates and then make it seem like you were at fault; the folks who monopolize a conversation; the folks who monopolizes a conversation with talk of only themselves; supervisors and coworkers that can’t do their own work; Chinese carry outs that constantly change their menu prices based on the class of their customers; delivery guys that automatically take their tips and delivery fees out of the customer’s total charge and still expect an extra tip after they’ve made you walk to their car to pick up your food; meter maids that dish out tickets in an effort to fill some stupid quota; parents that don’t pay babysitters and day care centers; banks that charge $2.50-$3.95 surcharges for ATM usage; the IRS; the federal government; preachers that use the Lord’s name to cover up their sins; hustlers that charge $20 for a $10 bag; oil and gas companies; booty callers that think you’re good enough for a f*ck but not good enough for a relationship; nightclubs that allow ladies to get in free before midnight but charge fellas full price coverage all damn night; Facebookers and Tweeters who use the social networks to direct message some form of perversion; all Popeyes food chains that overcharge for their delicious, greasy chicken; family members that believe you owe them because of your blood relation; neighbors that borrow your electrical socket(s) when they don’t pay their electric bill; pimps; cab drivers; the DC metro rail system; the cost of city tourism; the $.99 store that charges a 6% tax charge, blatantly discrediting the store’s self entitled name; backstabbing BFFs; anyone that never has any money but always wants to go out to eat; friends that always need a ride somewhere but never offer any gas money; and Lindsay Lohan.  

These repeat offenders are able to get away with their shenanigans because we let them.  I am to here to take a stand and speak for those persons who are constantly taken advantage of by those people that think we’re too dumb to know what the hell they are doing.  

You offenders must stop this foolishness!  The world is too small and life is too short to be bombarded with the outrage of your sick, selfish and imprudent ways.  You have managed to take somebody’s kindness for weakness and therefore reserved your front row seat to a back alley beat down and have been placed on a waiting list for a quick journey straight to hell, and all those people who would not allow themselves to tell you “hell no” will do nothing less than take pride in watching karma bite you in the ass.  You may think you’re getting away with some slick sh*t, but let Hottywood be the one to tell you that every shut eye isn’t sleep.  Change your ways or change your zip code because today the change has come.  

#ThatIsAll

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Quote of the week:   “Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”    

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 11-17, 2011

Monday is here.  Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you?  You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream.  Lucky for you humor is what I do best.  When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition.  It’s a gas bubble. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.

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Quote of the week:  “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.” 

Conversation Hogs Really Stink

Boys and girls of the class, raise your hand if you find it not quite so funny when a friend, associate or even someone you couldn’t care any less about seems to work their personal problems into a conversation with you, in hopes that you’d ask them what’s wrong.  

This act is done by a lot of people and overlooked by many.  It goes unnoticed because it’s one of those things no one actually stops to pay attention to, needless to say except the person who keeps working their issues into the convo.  The subtle remarks are carefully inserted into related [and sometimes unrelated] subject matters and seemingly come out of nowhere, yet make the biggest silent impact on the person who’s forced to hear it and care even less than they did when the situation remained cohort.    

This may come as a shock to some, but the truth of the matter is more people than you’d think could give a sh*t about your problems because everyone on the planet has problems of their own, so if no one asks you what’s wrong after the fiftieth time you’ve griped about your uninteresting predicament, it’s pretty much common knowledge that no one really cares.  Stop imposing and stop whining.  Just stop because the person you’re buzzing up has long since stopped listening.  The only person who can get away with speaking without actually saying anything is the teacher on “Charlie Brown,” and after a while even a viewer changes the channel.  

If you want someone to know what the hell’s going on with you, tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Don’t drop not-so-subtle hints.  Don’t be slick with it.  Most people aren’t going to jump into your business willingly and consciously because they don’t want to be blamed for any dumb decisions you make. Most people aren’t going to comment on your issues because you’ve probably spit out the answers to your own questions anyway.  Most people are probably going to look straight through you in an effort to see the nearest “Exit” sign hanging somewhere behind you.  However if you’re not careful, one day you’re going to come up against someone that isn’t like most people.  And that person will willingly listen to you gloat about the stupidity and/or humdrum that is your life and will turn around and do one or all of the following:  (1) Tell you the truth – something you probably don’t want to hear; (2) Tell you, “so what?” – something else that you probably don’t want to hear; or (3) Tell any and everyone all about your business – and in case you didn’t know, your dirt sounds way more interesting coming from someone who isn’t you. The problem is words get twisted when they are spoken from someone else’s lips.  But because you insist on monopolizing an unwarranted conversation with someone who blatantly doesn’t give a rat’s ass, that’s just the price you have to pay.  Whether you learn a lesson or not isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own.  On the other hand as we stay true to the subject of this post, that last statement goes in one ear and right out of the other.  

If I were to tell you that 90% of any effort is getting started, I’d most likely be referring to you learning when to shut up. 

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Quote of the week:  “Some people talk a whole lot about nothing because it’s the only thing they know anything about.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 4-10, 2011

Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.

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Quote of the week:   “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 28-September 3, 2011

Irene has caused quite a bit of trouble which warrants some humor and on the double. Lucky for you, it’s what I do best or my name isn’t Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Minding someone else’s business only brings attention to your own.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The electric company will decide when it’s time for you to sit in a dark room and think about the bullsh!t you’ve gotten yourself into.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Today you need to step aside and let someone else do what you do better.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only thing worse than being lied to is getting your private parts stuck in the zipper of your pants.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to a burning question that’s been on your mind all week long can be found at the bottom of a bag of corn chips.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not forgetting is what makes forgiving harder than it sounds.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re feeling a bit blue, it’s probably because you’ve been spending too much time being green over something someone else has.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone thinks you’re angry today because of the way your eyebrows are connecting in the middle.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those bells you hear ringing in your head isn’t a bright idea. They’re police sirens.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone who knows the least about you will have the most to say.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In a moment you will see what a snob a clod can be.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is nothing amusing about the closing of an amusement park.

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Quote of the week:  “Don’t abuse the privilege of your entitlement of being stupid every now and then.”