The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

The “I” in Me, Myself and I

Everyone has experienced those types of folks who think they are better than everyone else.  You know who I’m talking about.  Generally, the people who used to be popular in high school, who are no longer as popular as the world told them they would be.  The very same people who are now grown, forgettable, working average jobs and are getting paid minimum wage at most. 

Somehow in their own little delusional world, everything still revolves around them.  As much as we want to point our fingers and laugh at the mistake they’ve made of thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, some part of us, a part maybe the size of a mustard seed, can’t help but to acknowledge their commitment in being rightfully shallow and arrogant about their own greatness.  If there’s one thing we can take from these people, it’s the fact that they understand there is an “I” in “me, myself & I.”    

  • I am the best!”   
  • I can do no wrong!”
  • I don’t need you to agree because your opinion doesn’t matter.”   

To us, those people may not amount to a hill of beans but they are confident enough to believe otherwise.

Like all the supercilious folks on the planet, we need to find the confidence within ourselves to admit that we are special, different, and perfect in our own eyes because no one else will.  Everyone else is too busy being as special as we are and even more so consumed with reminding us why we don’t match up to their personal expectations of us

There’s one thing that we all fail to realize.  Everyone has flaws.  It kind of levels the playing field, don’t you think?  You may not have as many flaws as the next person but you do have them.  You just have to know how to make them work for you.  And if you can’t, then you really have to know how to do one of two things: 

  1. Pin point the flaws of others and make them sound a hundred times worse than they actually are, or
  2. Be clever enough not to show the public that your flaws are as embarrassing as people make them out to be.  In other words, know when and how to lie. 

Embrace your crooked teeth, split ends and small wardrobe.  Your shortcomings are a part of you that makes you different from the next person.  It is what makes you memorable — unless you have bad B.O. (body odor).  There is no walking away from that. 

So the next time someone walks up and says to you, “You think you’re all that,” you respond to them, “Yes I do.  Thank you for noticing.”  It doesn’t take that much to be a part time egotistical, conceited mutha-effer who doesn’t think his own sh*t stinks.  90% of any effort is getting started.  Try a little harder and f*ck what anyone else thinks!   The world is your oyster.  Use the shell to throw at all the ugly people who are way less important than you are and remember — Hottywood Helps!   

__________________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:   “To attempt to advise conceited people is like whistling against the wind.”

  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 25 – May 1, 2010

If all your shower water suddenly turned cold and the toilet bowl steamed up with the smelliness of your McDonald’s waste, it could prove to be a bad week.  But why second guess your bad luck when you can get the real answers from someone who knows best? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.  The bright side is that is the bright side. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If people keep telling you that you remind them of a skanky blond haired smurf who wears white pumps after Labor Day, then Houston, you have a problem. More so if you’re a boy.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Terrible consequences may occur if you are hit by a vehicle driven by a penguin wearing smelly gym socks and a smoking a Newport cigarette.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You may be serenaded with a romantic ballad on your birthday that goes a little something like this: “You remind me of jeep…”  Either you’re one ugly mofo or it’s time to go on a diet. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will discover that the person you trust most is on lock down in a cell block that begins with the first four letters of the alphabet.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It’s time to re-evaluate yourself if the person on the other side of the mirror wants nothing to do with you. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Reach out to someone you’d normally never say “hello” to.  Be sure to have a gas mask and a baseball bat handy.  Their breath will remind you why you’re always so blatantly shady. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Going commando is your contribution to giving back to society.  Turning tricks is the new “community service.” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You are in for a lot of attention today and it has nothing to do with that questionable brown streak on the back of your pants. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Flash your church minister for an unexpected blessing in the form of a restraining order and a round trip ticket to hell. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You may start off your day feeling as if no one gets you.  Find solace in knowing that your day will end the same way. There’s no point in trying if you’re going to get the same end result. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s a good time for you to hang out with a crowd of friends.  If you don’t have any, go to the supermarket and squeeze a few melons…or breasts.   

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.”