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Zodiac Signs


 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 8-14, 2010

Many times, as you prepare to embark on a life-changing experience, one of your armpits perspire more than the other.  That’s what we call the element of surprise.  Life has a funny way of playing those kinds of pranks on people.  Before you turn around, drop your pants and moon the “element of surprise,” here’s your chance to get a jump on what other tricks life has up its sleeve. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A muppet dies every time you lie to a bill collector. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re great at keeping secrets as long as no one’s around to talk to you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen for a round of applause every time you flush the toilet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

One can always tell the type of sh*t you’re into by the stinky trail you leave behind. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Same crap, different toilet. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Stupid people need love too, just not from you.  Unless, of course, you’re as stupid as they are. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of pigeons wearing false eyelashes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Science dictates that you are likely to be uninvited to your own party.  Bacon is on sale at your local market. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to make a name for yourself 600,000 brillo pads from today.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re an excellent liar.  You’ll lie about lying if you have to.  Also, your socks don’t match what you’re wearing but you’ll probably say you meant to do that. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Deception is necessary in order to capture a true spirit. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” 
 

The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

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Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

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Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 25-31, 2010

The universe has a funny way of laughing at us.  Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens!  That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time.  But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think.  However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Channel your outer beauty.  Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon.  Fight smart not hard.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner.   Avoid hooded ducks on steroids. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own.  That equals disaster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week.  It’s okay.  No one thinks you’re normal anyway. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait.  You’re bound to say something to mess it all up. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone will test your intelligence.  They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.

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Quote of the Week:      “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”