Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 8-14, 2010

Many times, as you prepare to embark on a life-changing experience, one of your armpits perspire more than the other.  That’s what we call the element of surprise.  Life has a funny way of playing those kinds of pranks on people.  Before you turn around, drop your pants and moon the “element of surprise,” here’s your chance to get a jump on what other tricks life has up its sleeve. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A muppet dies every time you lie to a bill collector. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re great at keeping secrets as long as no one’s around to talk to you.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen for a round of applause every time you flush the toilet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

One can always tell the type of sh*t you’re into by the stinky trail you leave behind. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Same crap, different toilet. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Stupid people need love too, just not from you.  Unless, of course, you’re as stupid as they are. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of pigeons wearing false eyelashes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Science dictates that you are likely to be uninvited to your own party.  Bacon is on sale at your local market. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to make a name for yourself 600,000 brillo pads from today.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re an excellent liar.  You’ll lie about lying if you have to.  Also, your socks don’t match what you’re wearing but you’ll probably say you meant to do that. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Deception is necessary in order to capture a true spirit. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” 
 

The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

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Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

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Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 25-31, 2010

The universe has a funny way of laughing at us.  Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens!  That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time.  But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think.  However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Channel your outer beauty.  Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon.  Fight smart not hard.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner.   Avoid hooded ducks on steroids. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own.  That equals disaster.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week.  It’s okay.  No one thinks you’re normal anyway. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait.  You’re bound to say something to mess it all up. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone will test your intelligence.  They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:      “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 30-June 5, 2010

The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass.  Hey, you saw that coming a mile away.  You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent.  But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you.  This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top.  Oh, and your socks don’t match. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance.  However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business.  Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence.  This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land.  It’s the public bathroom on Route 66. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This is a good week to start a new trend.  Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest.  Preferably synthetic. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow.  If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat.  This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will have no taste buds for the next three days.  There is no better time to get your freak on! 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 16-22, 2010

When the worst seems to get you down and you’ve run out of booby traps in your stained bag of tricks, there’s only one person who can help steer you in the direction away from karma, stink bombs and a winch named “Lady Luck.”  That person is Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your saliva will taste like mop water. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of sky rats.  They are plotting to take over the world.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day – “F*ck it.”

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Ketchup and white socks hold the answers to all of your questions today.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Chest hair is not meant for braiding.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters.  Unless of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Whoever told you, “winning isn’t everything,” merely found a nice way to tell you it’s best to win at losing than it is to lose at winning. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Do some cleaning today.  Start with your nose and your butt.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your love life is booming as you are likely to attract anyone with no job and a criminal record. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about.  Put your hand over your heart and do what you do best.  Lie. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “We must believe in luck.  How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 31 – Feb. 6, 2010

They say only time will tell what the future holds.  I say rubbish!  Hottywood can tell you that. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This could be a make or break deal.  Either way, you attract more bees than flies to honey; so don’t trip.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone’s going to tell you “You aren’t worth sh*t.”  Prove them wrong then give them an ultimatum: “Get with the program or duck!”

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

What you long for is an illusion.  The past is not as ideal as you remember, so stop living in it.  You don’t have what you once had for a reason. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing will piss you off more than discovering there’s no sugar to go into your kool-aid. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Alright, enough is enough.  You’ve done all you can.  It’s time to sit back and let someone else do all the work.  Take the credit when they’re done. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You spend money like you poop on the toilet.  Make sure you can handle that sh*t, with your broke ass. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You’re going to have a social gathering that no one will come to.  Relax.  You’ll be the life of the party.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will love to hear anything you have to say just as long as you’re asleep. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Follow the instincts you learned in the streets – especially in the vicinity of liquor stores, banks and strip clubs. 

…oh, and maybe church.  o_O

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you’re bored, find comfort in knowing everyone is bored with you, too. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone insists on treating you like a child.  It’s time to get gully.  You may have to cut a biatch!

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Watch your ego before your ass gets jumped in an alley by three one-eyed bandits with no home training. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “Love at first sight is a result of too much to drink.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 24-30, 2010

So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”