This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I read your column all the time and laugh at some of the [relationship] advice you give to your readers. Well this time I’m coming to you for that same enlightening advice.

For the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been seeing a young lady that I met by way of a mutual friend. The introduction was initially set up because of our supposed similar interests. I should probably say that we went all the way on our first date, thus in my eyes, placing her on booty call status. However in HER eyes, I’m THE ONE. In these short days I’ve become a just-add-water husband. She’s told all of her friends and family about me, made me her beneficiary in the likeliness of her untimely demise, and is now talking marriage, children, and where we’re going to live once we’ve retired.

I’ve tried to tell her that she’s moving way too fast and that I very much enjoy my bachelor life, but that doesn’t seem to be getting through her thick skull. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want anything more to do with her than a quick “What’s up?” on somebody’s instant message chat service.

How can I dump this chick without breaking her heart?

HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP

Dear HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP,

BREAK UPIt sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into one fine mess. Should I bother to pinpoint where you made your mistakes? You slept with her already; you’ve entertained her love lust for you; and you’ve kept her around even though you told her you like to roll as a bachelor.

You’re giving her the impression as though there’s still some hope for her delusional ass. As long as you continue to pretend to be interested she’s going to continue to actually be interested.

Sadly, judging by the way you’ve described how she’s latched on to your nuts, it doesn’t look like you’re going to make a clean break from ol’ gal. You have one of three options here.

  1. Tell her the truth. “Bish, Ion’t want you!” Wait. That may be too harsh. “I’m not interested. It’s not me. It’s you.” It still may be a little harsh, but the truth will set you free. Free from this Earth when she runs over your ass with a dune buggy. No matter how you spin it, telling her the truth is going to break her heart because you’ll be telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Let me just warn you now to watch out for the water works. No man is safe from a woman when she begins to cry.
  2. Pick an argument with her. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about. It could be over the smallest, dumbest thing you can think of. Tell her you hate the way her hairy knees feel when they brush up against the back of your legs when you two lay in bed together. Whatever excuse you come up with, though, be sure to make a big, ignorant deal out of it. The key to this trick is to make her out to be the bad guy [tell her she should be whipped with a bag of nickels for having hairy knees]. And no matter what she says or does, do not let her accept the blame for the argument…or shave her knees. You want her knees to stay hairy in the event she traps some other dude after you and he needs a good excuse to dump her ass.
  3. Be a real man and disappear into the wind. Cut off all communication her; text, phone, email, messenger pigeon, foam cups and string, miming – the whole 9.

There’s not going to be an easy way to get out of this so you should probably expect to come out with a few scars. If you’re still standing in the end though with all of your body parts intact, and are still single to boot, then the battle was worth the fight!

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been in a dating slump lately. With that said, my ex (we broke up eight months ago) whom I thought I loved, has “seemingly” come back into the picture – not surprisingly with one thing in mind. When he returned to my life, the first thing he wanted to discuss was sex but knowing I’m not that type of girl he chose to talk about our failed relationship instead/first. We had an extensive text conversation followed by a face-to-face conversation which resulted in him blaming me for the demise of our relationship (for lack of better word, because it sure as hell wasn’t a relationship). When I saw that things were going nowhere, I decided to give in and just have sex with him, not for his sake but for the sake of my own needs. I’m not shocked that I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m kind of in my feelings and don’t know why. Can you shed some light on why I can’t let go of what was never there?

Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally

Dear Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally,

It’s evident that you still harbor feelings for this fool and yet you are letting him make a fool out of you. Let me start off by saying that if your ex (or anyone for that matter) insists on holding on to his pride, ego or excuses instead of holding on to you, it’s time to let go.

You didn’t indicate exactly why your relationship failed but rather he blamed you for the demise, yet he returned for some ass (???). Can we say RED FLAG? I would have suggested you not give in to him, but I totally understand having needs. Everyone has needs and need to get laid from time to time.

Here is your reality check, though:  If you saw no successful result at the end of the texted or face-to-face conversation about your past relationship, then you wasted your fingertip strength, your breath and your time; if you gave up the booty and he hasn’t responded to you afterwards in any way, shape or form, and you still can’t see where he’s coming from, then you need a piano to fall on your head. Trust me. You don’t want that. It hurts; if you slept with him simply to satisfy your needs then maybe you ought to be satisfied with that. Stop putting your eggs in his basket. He doesn’t want your eggs. He wants your basket.

You’re probably holding on to something that isn’t or never was there simply because you want it but don’t have it [right now] or [think you] can’t get it. But the truth is you can have everything you want if you don’t act pressed, foolish or blind – especially not for him. You can probably do better. You probably should hold out for better. You should probably tell yourself that you deserve better. You’ll probably get something or someone better once you believe and accept there’s something better out there for you. Once you accept that then his BS will be just as much of a joke as you are to him. In the meantime if you want to phuck him to satisfy your sexual desires then may I suggest you learn how to separate your emotional feelings from your physical?

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

My husband is an addict. He isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. His case is much worse. He’s addicted to donuts. Glazed; chocolate glazed; powdered; jelly-filled; cream-filled. If it’s soft baked with a hole in the middle or something juicy enough to ooze out onto his lips, he can’t resist it. 

I’m worried the sugary deliciousness will eventually destroy his waistline. Is there anything I can do to calm his desire to consume the bready goodness? 

Sincerely, 

The Wife of a Skinny Fat Man 

Dear Wife of a Skinny Fat Man,

Hooked on DonutsI’m going to speak on your husband’s behalf and tell you to back off a little bit. In today’s society, men have enough “stuff” to deal with (like making sure the wife is always happy even at his own expense, for instance). I know you may be worried about his eating habits, but unless your husband is at risk of falling into a diabetic coma, a few million donuts won’t hurt anything except your bed springs, which I’m sure are already getting a workout when he hits your skins.

Telling him what he can/can’t/should/shouldn’t eat will eventually translate to nagging and that always puts a damper on communication and the relationship as a whole – slowly but surely. Once he feels you are nagging him, if he doesn’t eventually tell you to shut up and go away he’s going to ignore you all together. Trust me; that will be more of a strain on your relationship than his donut consumption.

Does he tell you when you can/can’t buy shoes? Does he tell you that you shouldn’t have a headache when he wants to have sex with you? Does he tell you that you can’t have chocolate when you’re PMSing? If he did tell you these things, 9 times out of 10 your response would be, “Chile, please!”

Flip the script and put yourself in his shoes and not in his pants (let him wear the pants in the family). Think about how it makes him feel when you tell him what he can and can’t do. Ask yourself, “Would you rather him to be addicted to donuts or drugs and alcohol or sex with other women?” The more you tell him not to eat donuts, the more he’s going to eat out of spite – and soon your name will be THE WIFE OF A FAT FAT MAN.

Hottywood

 

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve unknowingly been having relations with someone who failed to mention to me he’s in a relationship. I found out on Facebook. Should I be in my feelings? 

Vanessa Del Rio

Dear Vanessa,

Other WomanIf I were you I’d feel some kind of way, too. Morally speaking, it shouldn’t feel great to phuck another woman’s man. That would make you look like a bit of a whore bag and would be a justifiable reason (in the other woman’s eyes) to get your ass whooped [by his girlfriend] when she finds out (keyword: WHEN). If homeboy has been digging into you and his girlfriend, that would imply that he has no respect for either one of you, and leaves you to wonder how many other chicks he’s banging. You should be mad about that. You should also be a little scared and quick to get yourself checked out. Dial 1-800-CLEANMEUPQUICK.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but the next time you screw someone who has a Facebook page, do a little research. It’s not stalking if you’re going to drop your panties for him anyway. Most people post their whole lives on Facebook, so in his eyes he probably didn’t think he was keeping any secrets from you. Like a lot of men do, he just didn’t tell you his full story. Surprisingly you didn’t check. But I bet you learned a lesson, didn’t you?

Cut your sexual ties with this dude, at least until he gets dumped by his girlfriend, or to put it nicely – unhitched. He’s either going to get dumped or he’s going to get tired of pretending to be faithful while he boinks you and whomever else he’s openly phucking in secret. If he’s a great lay you don’t want to lose his contact for good. If he’s a lousy lay, you have nothing to lose but your pride.

If it’ll make you feel better, do it to him one last time. I mean do it so good that you put his ass in a coma. Then when you hear him snoring for at least 20 minutes uninterrupted, put hot wax on his eyebrows or instant hair removal and let ‘er rip! He might attack you afterwards but mentally and/or emotionally you’ll feel better. Physically you’ll be in a lot of pain if he catches you, but you can’t blame that on me. I can only solve one problem at a time.

Good luck!

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

The last two weeks have been extremely challenging. Everything happened that I thought was unthinkable. I got slapped in the face by people with no hands and kicked so much until my knees fell off, cutting me down to size. I’m usually the person that people turn to for guidance or just a general good time. But now that I’m in a dark place, no one wants to be bothered. Outside of reading your Hottywood Helps funnies, what can I do to get myself out of my funk? 

Who Can I Run To 

Dear Who Can I Run To,

No TimeI have to admit, being a man self-proclaimed to have all the answers for everyone (but myself at times) is easier than it looks/sounds. Since you’ve come to the right place I’ll let you in on this little secret; when you have no one else to turn to or no other place to run and hide, the best place to find comfort isn’t just in the bible, it’s inside the pages of a bad celebrity gossip magazine – preferably InTouch or Life & Style. It’s always nice to read about people who make waaaaaaaay more money than you, date hotter people, live in nicer homes, and drive better cars, and are feeling just as crappy, if not worse, than you are. That lets you know that even greater, more popular, and often untouchable people are just as normal and miserable as, well…you.

Find yourself a hobby, like making bracelets out of a box of Cheerios cereal. The creative distraction will take your mind off your troubles and will also help you to realize that it’s time to change your situation when you’ve been reduced to making bracelets made out of some dry ass cereal (it also tastes great!).

As for your peeps that don’t want to be bothered when you’re down and out…wave that delicious bracelet in their face(s) – all two of them – and be the first to yell, “No greedies!” They may think you’re being funny but in that moment, you will have made someone laugh while bringing joy to yourself, knowing that you are serious as shit.

Let me know how things turn out for you.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Some new neighbors moved into my building about two weeks ago and they are proving themselves to be unruly. Between the weed smoking and the night time fights, they are driving me crazy. Before I call the police, do you have any suggestions for me to get them to calm down? 

Gladys Kravitz

Dear Gladys,

Loud NeighborsI have to be straight up with you and say there isn’t much you can do legally to get your neighbors to tone it down outside of calling the police and complaining. You could knock on their door and ask them kindly to shut the phuck up, but depending on where you live and the type of neighbors they are, that would be a disaster waiting to happen.

It should come as no surprise that I have a million ideas running through my mind that will answer your question. None of which I’d recommend aloud in front of anyone that carries a badge, a gun or a 2×4, however I promise they’d all work in your favor. Instead of listing those ideas here, click on this link to see where my head is.

Man vs. Wild: The Rise and Fall of the Nuisance Neighbor

If all else fails, start a neighborhood watch in your neighborhood and convince every participating member to stand outside of your neighbors’ door while carrying pitch forks and burning torches (if you bake the members of the neighborhood watch group some weed-laced muffins, you can get them to do anything you want). Maybe you can scare some sense into those nuisance neighbors of yours. You may want to stand in back of the crowd, though, so they won’t recognize you. If they notice you’re a part of the angry mob, they just may wait for you to come home late one night ready to beat the hell out of you.

In the meantime, beating them at their own game would be my first and last suggestion before calling the police. Not only is it personally satisfying and could possibly earn you a lot of street cred (or could make you the center of a bunch of neighborhood gossip), it’s a lot more fun!

Good luck.

Hottywood

 

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

My pal calls or texts me nearly a hundred times a day with some cockamamie story about him being victimized in some way. The bottom line is he is a chronic complainer. What can I do to make him stop?

Sign,

Hear No Evil See No Evil

Dear Hear No Evil See No Evil,

Get Over YourselfUnfortunately the only way to get him to chill with the complaints is to sew his lips shut with barbed wire – although that might run the risk of you sitting the rest of your life out in an electric chair, which coincidentally is your next option.

Sadly, most chronic complainers don’t view themselves as complainers at all. They believe what they are doing is sharing entertaining stories with you. And since you listen, they find no reason to stop. You’re going to have to be truthful with him and kick him in the throat; tell him he’s depressing the shit out of you; tell him he’s sucking the air out of his own existence and yours, too; tell him he needs to learn how to appreciate the happier things in life.  You should be warned though that anything you do or say will cause him to think you don’t want to hear about his gripes. And even though you don’t, he’ll take it much more harshly than the pain of being kicked in the throat.

Being truthful by telling him that he’s not exactly a ray of sunshine will be nothing more than a waste of your time and the pin that pops the balloon of your friendship. You can top his victimizing stories with your own, but that takes more effort than what’s it worth. You can saw your ears off with a fingernail file, but ears make a person so much more appealing. You can drown yourself in a pitcher of water, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me. I’ve tried.

I’ll tell you what you should do. Build a carbon copy of yourself out of Popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. He’ll be so consumed in himself that he won’t realize that you’re more bored stiff than usual. He’ll keep going on and on and on and the reaction that he doesn’t get out of you will easily be mistaken for your overwhelming interest in his less than interesting story. Problem solved!

No need to thank me. Hottywood Helps! It’s what I do.

 

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Is it true that it’s bad luck for a cat to walk across your path? 

Superstitiously Superstitious

Dear Superstitiously Superstitious,

Black Cat Bad LuckIt all depends on where you come from.

If you’re from the hills of Hottywood, a black cat that crosses your path is only bad luck if you’re walking or driving blindfolded and on the other side of the cat is a mountain cliff and a 100ft drop to your doom.

If you’re from Great Britain, black cats are seen as lucky and are often given in token form to brides. It’d probably be considered bad luck for the bride though if she’s allergic to cats or the people that gives them as tokens.

If you’re from Japan, black cats are considered good luck. In fact it’s said that [in Japan] if a woman has a black cat she will have many suitors. I don’t know how lucky that woman would be if she were a dominant lesbian and has sworn off men for the rest of her days.

In Western history, black cats have often been looked upon as a symbol of evil omens, specifically being suspected of being the familiars of witches. Apparently no one in Western history has ever seen Bewitched or Charmed. In contrast, some considered it lucky that both shows went off the air. Here, the luck depends on the person questioning it…and TV ratings.

The luck of cats also depends on the direction of the path the cat crosses…or if you’re cross-eyed and can’t tell the difference between one side from another. In Germany, some believe that black cats crossing a person’s path from left to right is a bad omen. But from right to left, the cat is granting favorable times. Why not just scotch-tape two baby kittens to your ankles? The balance of luck will offset good vs. evil. Wait, maybe not. Those kittens might use your ankles as scratching posts. Call me crazy but that doesn’t sound much like good luck.

Okay, so the answers that I’ve given in response to your question seems to lean towards the side of bad luck, however anything can be considered back luck if you don’t put barbeque sauce on it first. Life is what you make of it, not what someone else makes of it for you.

If I haven’t answered your question satisfactorily, allow a giant black panther to cross your path and report back to me what happened. If I hear from you, then that means you ran and got away; and he didn’t catch, scratch and eat you. All the world will automatically know that you’re lucky to be alive.

If I don’t hear from you again, well…question answered.

Hottywood

Let me tell you a little story: 

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Anonymous, was riding his four-wheeled 10-speed bike (he has training wheels) when he saw a black cat nearly crossing his path. Instead of swerving to get out of the path, he decided to run over the cat and kill any chances of bad luck. That choice was a bad decision. 

Anonymous ran over the cat who by the way didn’t die but rather laughed at him. The front wheel of his bike exploded instantly causing him to lose control. He swerved speedily and ran over the legs of a beer guzzling homeless man. Unsurprisingly he flew off the bike and landed on an elderly woman, thus knocking her hip out of place. The bike ended up on the other side of the street atop a state trooper’s squad car. 

laughing cat

Anonymous was arrested for reckless driving, driving while under the influence (the homeless man’s beer spilled all over Anonymous’ “I Live for Luck” t-shirt), and was hit with a $5000 fine for premeditated animal cruelty. His bike was impounded and he’s still in litigation with the elderly woman and the homeless man who are both suing him for medical expenses.   

Was the situation a result of good luck unraveling or his own undoing?

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

A couple of days ago my friendship ended with a very close friend over some random girl he just started dating. After meeting her and getting to know a bit about her, it was easy to determine she wasn’t a good fit for him. When I told him he could do better, he responded by telling me if I can’t deal with his relationship(s), then I can take a hike. Naturally his words didn’t sit well with me so I decided to take him up on his suggestion. Now I’m wondering if I jumped the gun. What do you think? 

Short Fuse

Dear Short Fuse,

I gotta tell you I think this is one of those moments where you would have been better off minding your own business. I’m sure your intentions were good (even though the road to hell is paved with good intentions), but I’m curious to know what gave you the right to stick your nose in his relationship. I bet he’s wondering the same thing.

You probably offended him by questioning his judgment on this girl. Maybe you overstepped your bounds by questioning his relationship at all. It’s possible you made yourself sound jealous. Whatever the reason for your $.02, it sounds like you offered (or forced on) him an unwarranted piece of advice that he would have been fine without.

If you’re wondering whether or not you jumped the gun, walk a mile in his shoes and think about what your response would be if someone were to ask you why you’re wearing a pair of shoes that doesn’t look good on your feet.

Hottywood