Keep That Selfie to Yourself

I’ve always been in favor of self-promotion and an even bigger fan of self-love. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder what people think about when they take “selfies.” Granted, half of the world is obsessed with posting pictures [on social networks] of their new weaves, and dramatic caterpillars eyelashes, or the pimple on their face that they try so desperately to convince all the rest of the world is actually a replica of Marilyn Monroe’s famous beauty mark.  I get it. You love yourself. If you don’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to give a damn about you?

What I don’t get are the folks that know they have no business posting pictures of themselves at all. I’m speaking specifically about the people with starched unibrows, and glass eyes, and one nose nostril with a booger hanging out, and lips so dark that their mouth almost looks invisible in night time photos; or the people with hair lines that start in the middle of their chapped head, or the folks that forget to put in their dentures before aiming the camera at their grill.

I don’t understand women that want to show the world pictures of their voluptuous implants and then tell everyone that they are respectable women with not a plastic hooker bone in their body (not that I don’t enjoy looking!), or dudes that think they are turning women on by flexing non-muscles in their bird chests. I don’t see why someone finds it so important for me to see what they’re wearing that day, especially when their outfit consists of striped chef’s pants and dusty crocs. I don’t like to see women throw up the deuce sign while their fingernails look as if they’ve been changing oil at the local mechanic shop all day. I don’t like seeing bathroom sinks or toilet bowls being used as a backdrop for a photo shoot. I know I’m not the only one that doesn’t like it so please, knock it off! I’m serious. Give me a break.

You know if someone wants to look at you OR NOT. You know when your outfit is a fail. You know that someone is going to point out all the flaws you are purposely putting on display. You know if that selfie will make it to the bottom of a trash bin for a NO WAY JOSE magazine cover. You know these things because you are no different from the people that are judging your grade F selfies. You look at other people’s photos and say, “They knew better than that,” or “What the hell?” or “Why?”

Just stop. Before you hit the upload button to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, ask yourself if your selfie is a smart idea.

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Quote of the Week:  “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the worm.”

DAMN: Testosterone Boosting Aides are Just as Bad as Having Man Cramps

Cry BabyIf you’re a man that has just discovered this little thing called IMS – Irritable Male Syndome – the male version of PMS, then have I got some news for you…and it ain’t all good.

Before I begin, let me start by telling you that when a man experiences IMS (his monthly), he experiences a drop in his testosterone levels. This is why he bitches and whines like a girl (hey, I was raised by a family of six women who always associated their bitchiness with their menstrual cycles, so there’s no need to come after me with a crowbar for that statement. The “bitchiness” line comes from that brood of women. It’s THEIR word, not mine. I just so happen to agree with them. Those bitches are crazy!).

AnyHOO, after doing a little reading during my morning commute to the office, I found that a new Veteran Affairs study shows testosterone creams, gels and patch use is proving to be pretty risky, increasing risks of heart attacks, stroke and death in men with low hormone levels and other health problems. The study raised concerns about the widely used testosterone aides that are heavily marketed for low sex drive, [fatigue and purported anti-aging benefits].

Mood SwingIn case you have no idea what that means, if a man is on his period and his testosterone level is equivalent to that of estrogen, and suddenly he can’t get his junk to rise or he’s just not sexually motivated, being on his period isn’t the only reason for him to be mad as hell. Now that there’s a risk in applying testosterone boosting aides, there’s not a damn thing that man can do but wait for his levels to rise so he can “man up” again and put it down in the chambre. In simpler terms, while a man is on his period, sex isn’t likely because his penis is limp; and he’ll probably get no attention from any women because no woman, except fag hags, like men that act like bitches.

If you ask me, this is looking like this is a no win situation. Somewhere in the world there’s a woman laughing at a man on his period and pointing her finger at him while chanting, “Nananabooboo!” Let’s just hope she isn’t chanting on a day where the man’s period is stronger than his will to avoid kicking her in the shins.

Even though I could elaborate more on this whole BEWARE OF TOPICAL ADMINISTERING thing, I won’t. I’ve probably already scared the shit out of a handful of men as it is.

RELATED STORIES: Do men have periods, too?

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Quote of the week: “All will be told when the scroll unfolds.”

The Logic in Stupidity

Sometimes it’s kind of nice to watch people make fools of themselves. Their idiocy reminds you that you’re not the only dummy strolling the streets of Earth. How does one make a fool of him/herself? The possibilities are endless. But I’ll name a few ways just to satisfy you. If anything listed below summarizes you in any way, then rest assured that someone is relishing in your jackassdom.

Ugly people that think more attractive people want them for their sex appeal. USUALLY THE ATTRACTIVE PERSON WANTS SOMETHING TANGIBLE FROM THE UGLY PERSON; CHASE DREAMS. NOT PEOPLE.

Unintelligent people that purchase personality glasses in an array of colors, and always seem to use a word in the wrong context. DUMMY.

People that eat peanut butter sandwiches without having a beverage to wash it down with. GENIUS.

Miley Cyrus. NUFF SAID.

Coworkers, colleagues, and/or supervisors that don’t know they are the butt of all office jokes. IF THEY TALKED ABOUT JESUS, THEY’RE SURE AS HELL GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU.

Anyone that hides their dirty little secrets inside their medicine cabinet. 40% OF ALL HOUSE GUESTS SNOOP THROUGH YOUR MEDICINE CABINET. LET’S SEE IF THAT HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.

Anyone that doesn’t know a McDonald’s menu by heart.   THE MENU HASN’T CHANGED IN FOREVER YEARS, MORON. “SECURITY!”

All those persons that have no idea what the word “groaking” means. Clue – #NOGREEDIES!

Delusional folks that think they know you based on a relationship you’ve established on a social network. GET A LIFE, LOOSER. ON PAPER I LOOK LIKE I STEPPED OUT OF A MAGAZINE. IN REAL LIFE I HAVE A UNIBROW AND MY TWO BIG TOES’ NAILS CONNECT MAGNETICALLY. BUT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW THAT.

Miley Cyrus. OH WAIT…WELL, NEVER MIND. SHE’S A REPEAT OFFENDER (WHOM I SECRETLY LOVE).

People that release silent farts and think no one smells that shit. IF IT WASN’T ME THEN OBVIOUSLY…… Granny used to always say “Better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein!”

People that think their opinions are only worth $.02. WHAT THE HELL IS $.02 GONNA BUY? YOU CAN KEEP THAT!

The best thing is that the list goes on, so when you stop to think about all the dumb stuff [other] people do, think, and say, something about their stupidity makes you feel a little bit better about yourself.  Who wouldn’t appreciate that warm fuzziness?

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Quote of the Week: “Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.”

What Constitutes a Bad Day…?

Over the last few days I’ve heard a few people complain about the bad days they’ve been having, myself included.

For example, I had a hankering for fried chicken for a full run of an eight out work day, an hour and a half of commute time, and the sixty minutes it takes for me to settle down and unwind after a long day of solving everyone else’s problems. Just as soon as the smoke settled from the soles of my feet from running around the office all day, it was finally time to fry up some delicious deep fried wings, when to my surprise I realized I had no cooking oil. The first word that came to my mind began with the letter “F” and ended with a “K.” Anyone that knows me knows that a disruption in my plan to devour some golden fried chicken wings is equivalent to the world coming to an end.

In the long run, though having a day incomplete with chicken wings is, can, or should be considered a natural disaster, it doesn’t constitute a bad day (unless of course you’re me. Shit ain’t right without my wings).

However for the record, as long as you’ve:

not lost all of your rent receipts and are now facing a $558 charge from your leasing office for non-receipt of funds on something you know you’ve paid; or

not received a phone call from a detective threatening to bring you up on charges of fraud for a payday loan you failed to remit in the amount of  [either] an $800 settlement fee or $4000 and some change, to include legal fees, late fees, miscellaneous penalty fees and kick your ass fees; or

not been told by your weed man that his car has been broken in to and his stash stolen on the day that your significant other broke up with you, auctioned off all of your personal belongings to their secret bed buddies, and your deodorant failed while riding the bus with a bunch of rude and brutally honest high school teenagers; or

not thrown up uncontrollably as a result of drinking too many vodka shots at the very moment of oral sex or penetration; or

not experienced a taste bud deficiency – specifically when all of your potato chips taste like canned spinach; or

not noticed that every pair of trousers you own has a hole in the crotch; or

not been demoted from a volunteer trash man to volunteer human pooper scooper in an urban city dog park, AKA the hood; and finally

not run out of cooking oil when you so desperately wanted to fry some damn chicken wings;

Then you have no reason to complain about anything. You’ve had a good day!

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Quote of the Week:  “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early and not enough the bad luck of the worm.”

Conversation Hogs Really Stink

Boys and girls of the class, raise your hand if you find it not quite so funny when a friend, associate or even someone you couldn’t care any less about seems to work their personal problems into a conversation with you, in hopes that you’d ask them what’s wrong.  

This act is done by a lot of people and overlooked by many.  It goes unnoticed because it’s one of those things no one actually stops to pay attention to, needless to say except the person who keeps working their issues into the convo.  The subtle remarks are carefully inserted into related [and sometimes unrelated] subject matters and seemingly come out of nowhere, yet make the biggest silent impact on the person who’s forced to hear it and care even less than they did when the situation remained cohort.    

This may come as a shock to some, but the truth of the matter is more people than you’d think could give a sh*t about your problems because everyone on the planet has problems of their own, so if no one asks you what’s wrong after the fiftieth time you’ve griped about your uninteresting predicament, it’s pretty much common knowledge that no one really cares.  Stop imposing and stop whining.  Just stop because the person you’re buzzing up has long since stopped listening.  The only person who can get away with speaking without actually saying anything is the teacher on “Charlie Brown,” and after a while even a viewer changes the channel.  

If you want someone to know what the hell’s going on with you, tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Don’t drop not-so-subtle hints.  Don’t be slick with it.  Most people aren’t going to jump into your business willingly and consciously because they don’t want to be blamed for any dumb decisions you make. Most people aren’t going to comment on your issues because you’ve probably spit out the answers to your own questions anyway.  Most people are probably going to look straight through you in an effort to see the nearest “Exit” sign hanging somewhere behind you.  However if you’re not careful, one day you’re going to come up against someone that isn’t like most people.  And that person will willingly listen to you gloat about the stupidity and/or humdrum that is your life and will turn around and do one or all of the following:  (1) Tell you the truth – something you probably don’t want to hear; (2) Tell you, “so what?” – something else that you probably don’t want to hear; or (3) Tell any and everyone all about your business – and in case you didn’t know, your dirt sounds way more interesting coming from someone who isn’t you. The problem is words get twisted when they are spoken from someone else’s lips.  But because you insist on monopolizing an unwarranted conversation with someone who blatantly doesn’t give a rat’s ass, that’s just the price you have to pay.  Whether you learn a lesson or not isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own.  On the other hand as we stay true to the subject of this post, that last statement goes in one ear and right out of the other.  

If I were to tell you that 90% of any effort is getting started, I’d most likely be referring to you learning when to shut up. 

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Quote of the week:  “Some people talk a whole lot about nothing because it’s the only thing they know anything about.” 

Refresher Course: What Not To Do on a First Date

In this day and age, dating has become more difficult than ever, well with all the games that  people play and the stipulations for the potentialities of the dates themselves.  Some people are hopeful while others bear all on chance, luck and booze.  But if you ask me, no matter how dry your well is or how hot your crotch may be, there should still be some limitations on what should and shouldn’t be considered acceptable “dating” behavior, especially when referring to the dreaded first date. 

Today we are not going to focus on all the right things that should take place during a first date.  It’s too mushy and not as much as fun as pin-pointing all the wrong and bad sh!t that can and more often than not goes wrong.  We’ve discussed first date rules before, however during my course of eavesdropping on conversations at a few dine-in establishments over the last few weeks, I’ve concluded that a ball park figure of about five gazillion daters need to be reminded of what not to do on a first date.  I understand that there may be some that asks who am I say?  Quite frankly, responding in my best Rick James voice, “I’m Hottywood, bitch!” 

Rule #1: Don’t show up for a first date showing too much.  I’m not going to spend too much time focusing on this because I’m sure all you bright citizens (and illegal aliens – the rules of dating apply to all who ultimately wants to get laid one day or one way or another) know what the hell I mean. 

Ladies, don’t show too much cleavage (that includes back cleavage), legs (especially if your date is the size of Professor Clump, because he may mistake them for drum sticks and may possibly try to eat you using a pitch fork, a butter knife and the nearest bottle of hot sauce), forehead zits (for obvious reasons) or wear too much makeup (think Ronald McDonald or the creepy little puppet from all the Saw movies.  Your bad makeup job will be the first thing your date sees and the last thing they remember, causing you to be the punch line of all their jokes as they tell their friends what a disaster you were your date was).  Doing any of these things will change your date’s perspective of you, causing him/her to think you’re cheap, horny, greasy, a piece of meat or an extra in a rural area carnival side show.  Don’t get me wrong, ladies.  By all means, please tease!  You want to give your date something to look forward to.  Just be careful not to serve it all on a platter before time of the main course.  Everyone knows all things don’t taste as good as they smell.  

Fellas, don’t show too much chest hair (old school pimp status), man boobs (no chick wants a man who has to buy and wear more bras than she does), ding ding prints (proves that your pants are too tight and may result in your Johnson not working right and causes your manhood to stink like rotten ketchup), belly button rings, tongue piercings or toe rings (are all gay and looks stupid on a man and if you wear them you should have a drink thrown in your face and never be allowed to date again).  

Rule #2: Lose the cell phone for a while.  It’s not a good look to give the illusion that you are more important than you are, especially when the person you’re breaking bread with doesn’t know enough about you to care.  It makes you look like you’re eager to show that you have friends or overly proud that you just bought a new cell phone.  It’s also rude and indicates that the person you’re communicating with over the phone warrants your attention more than the person you’re communicating with over the table.  If that’s the case then you made the date with the wrong person and you need to take your ass back home and try again and hope like hell they don’t do the same thing to you. Also cell phone frequencies slowly causes cancer and makes your appetizer course taste funny. 

Rule #3: Tongue kissing on a first date is a no-no!  Let’s be honest, nobody knows where the hell your lips have been, much less your tongue.  Halitosis may be an issue.  Gum disease could be a problem.  You wouldn’t get punched in the teeth for forgetting your dentures, obviously but you could still get decked some place else unless you forget your false stomach or your silicone forehead.  Try a kiss on a cheek (the face, not the ass).  It’s safer.  You even want to be careful kissing someone on their hand because if no one ever told you, people do some strange things with their hands. 

Rule #4: Don’t reveal too much personal information.  Under any circumstances do you ever want to reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Very rarely do you get a second chance to make a first impression.  Do not bring up your money problems because they imply that you are either cheap, broke, a closeted bank robber or an excessive gambler.  Don’t talk about any past relationships because it will lead your date down a path of searching for reasons [through your words and actions during the remaining moments of your get-together] of why your ass is single now.  Don’t talk about your sex life.  That’s an instant buzz kill simply because there are so many red flags attached.  For example, when you talk about your past love life, you look horny, desperate, prostitutish, and often times not hot enough for anyone to believe that you’ve gotten the ass you’re boasting about.  If you must bore your potential companion with a serious case of TMI, make sure it isn’t until the liquor bottle is half empty, that way you can blame your diarrhea of the mouth on the booze and your date will more likely appreciate being drunk so they don’t have to comprehend what you’re actually saying.

Rule #5: Last but not least, don’t spend any time blatantly advertising how attractive you are.  Let your date do that, otherwise you might as well strap a full length body mirror to the vacant seat at your dinner table.  Truth be told, anyone who thinks that much of their self isn’t worth thinking much about. 

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Quote of the week:  “People are like foreign foods.  Everything that smells good doesn’t taste good.”

The Self-Evaluation Quiz

SELF-EVALUATION QUIZ 

It’s never easy to accept that you have flaws, despite the flaws anyone may point out.  Luckily for you Hottywood Helps!  This little quiz will help you to realize that your ass is not as perfect as you think.  Be warned that the truth hurts. But in the end, hurt never felt so good; although in this case it might.  

When do you feel your best? 

  1. When you find yourself hooked up to an IV full of coffee. 
  2. When you’re too drunk to know where the hell you are.
  3. When you’re nipples are hardest.
  4. When you’ve waken up in a strange bed after a drunken romp with a horny one-eyed stud muffin from a Kansas trailer park. 
  5. When someone boosts your ego.
  6. Never.  You’re the complete opposite of “life of the party.”  

When talking to people do you

  1. Spit?    
  2. Stare at boobs?
  3. Avoid eye contact?
  4. Blink excessively?
  5. Let your underarms do all the talking?
  6. None of the above. You never speak to anyone because people say you sound as if you have a moutful of caramel.    

When you go to a party or social gathering, do you 

  1. Sneak in the back door wearing criss-cross jeans and Shaq-brand tennis shoes from Payless or someplace even more cheap? 
  2. Make a loud and obnoxious entrance so everyone will have a legitimate reason to avoid you all night?  
  3. Announce the pee stain on your pants because you couldn’t find the bathroom.  
  4. French kiss all of the other guests after eating a bag of Funyons? 
  5. Fart out of the wrong end when you laugh uncontrollably?
  6. None of the above. You never get invited to parties.  

When you go out to eat in a public restaurant, do you   

  1. Chew with your mouth open because it’s more convenient to stuff more food down your throat while you’re still chewing what’s already in there?
  2. Belch without saying excuse me (…although there’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re a midget.  Then it’s just gross.)? 
  3. Order the most expensive meal on the menu knowing that you’re broke as shit?
  4. Accidentally forget to wear pants on purpose?
  5. Steal the utensils from the next table while the occupants are using them?
  6. None of the above. You’ve been banned from public eating establishments for reasons only known by you and God and your imaginary friends.  

When you are bored, do you  

  1. Make prank phone calls to old people and Chinese pet detectives?             
  2. Clean the lint out of your belly button?             
  3. Speak backwards while groping your private parts or the private parts of the person to whom you are speaking?
  4. Try to whistle at a frequency only dogs can hear (mother-in-laws and supervisors not included)?  
  5. Make plans with more than one person knowing damn well you don’t have enough gas in your car to make it pass the hooker on the corner at the top of the hill? 
  6. None of the above. With the all the voices in your head, you never get bored.