Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    


Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 11-17, 2010

If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name! 



January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.



February 19 – March 20   

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas. 



March 21 – April 19 

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back.  They are. 



April 20 – May 20 

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as. 



May 21 – June 20 

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass. 



June 21 – July 22 

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind. 



July 23 – August 22 

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic. 



August 23 – September 22 

You’ve tried patience.  You’ve tried understanding.   You’ve even tried silence.  Now it’s time to try threats and bribery. 



September 23 – October 22 

If someone tells you they need space, take it as a compliment.  You aren’t that fun to be around. 



October 23 – November 21 

To some, you are playful, cute and cuddly – just like a chiwahwah.  Luckily you have a face to match.    



November 22 – December 21   

Stepping out of the norm will cause people to applaud your decision to bathe.


Quote of the Week:     “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.”