Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The Art of Sleeping at Work Without Getting Caught

How many times have you sat at your office desk and dozed off, only to wake up with the letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead?  C’mon, you can tell me.  I won’t tell anyone.  For those of you who are too shy to admit that you got stoned the night before and are suffering from a hangover, as well as to those of you who are simply so bored with your job that you doze off out of sheer ennui, you’re in luck!  I’ve come up with a few ideas to help get you through the day well rested!  

It’s safe to assume that you aren’t the only one who catches some Zs at work.  It’s common.  In fact, there’s an unwritten clause in your job description that suggests you can slack off and doze at your desk.  The trick is not to get caught.  And here’s where Hottywood comes in.  

Before you begin your mission, you must be sure to know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the day; production high peeks, coworkers’ personalities, the office snitch, you know, that kind of thing.  Once you’ve identified your playing field and have every base covered, the rest is a breeze. 

The next time your boss walks pass your office, he’ll see you at your desk with a nice bright smile, although you’ll actually be underneath your workstation counting sheep.  How, you may wonder?  The answer’s simple. 

Xerox your face and paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your overcoat with old files from your file cabinet and shut your door slightly.  Hang a “Please knock” sign on your door so that whenever someone comes to interrupt your sleep, you’ll be given a fair warning and possibly have enough time to get from beneath your desk back into your swivel chair.  

Most office mates won’t bother you anyway because they’ll be too busy meeting deadlines and getting ready for all those staff meetings you’ll be unprepared for.  Don’t worry.  When it’s time for you and your staff to gather for the weekly oral reports, just nod and smile and agree with whatever comment the last person said.   

If you’re a bald guy, here’s your chance to get creative.  Put those art skills to good use.  Take a magic marker and draw your face on the crown of your head and place a pair of glasses [prescription or personality] over the drawn in eyes.  That way, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re awake – just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as you were before you ate that heavy ass lunch. 

For all others who have a full head of hair and doesn’t carry a ‘Rogaine Gold Member’ card, there’s hope for you too…

Just like the bald guy drew his entire face on the crown of his head, all you have to do is illustrate an animated set of eyes on your closed eyelids, giving the impression that you’re awake when in fact you’re not.  No one will be the wiser, provided you are not a snorer.  

If you have no talent whatsoever or simply can’t draw anything more than a stick figure, your options of getting creative may be a bit more risky. 

At the moment you feel you can’t keep your eyes open any longer, pull the nearest fire alarm.  Dash back to your desk quickly and hide underneath it.  While everyone is running for their lives to clear the building, you will have at least 15 – 25 minutes of good, uninterrupted nap time.  If you’re smart, you’ll pull the alarm just after lunch. 

Use this as a last resort tactic.  It’s not one that you can try too many times.  Consider this tip your 8 ball in the side pocket. 

Finally, for all you folks who’d rather nibble on burning coal than attend one of your boring office functions, you can sneak in a few winks at your holiday parties and office picnics.  Just be warned that things can get a little dicey.   

In most cases, employers expect one or two employees to get plastered and doze off in a corner somewhere.  But it’s probably not a good idea to get so wasted that you have no idea what’s going on around you.  That same suggestion applies if you are a deep sleeper.  I promise you, you’ll be remembered for way more than sleeping on the job.  Especially if you have coworkers who like to play funny pranks and take blackmail pictures…like me!  

The key thing to remember when following any of these tips is that timing is everything. 

I know this list is short, but trust me it’s effective.  It’s understandable if you’re a little worried about pulling off these stunts, but when Mr. Sandman punches you in the grill, sometimes you are forced to do what you have to do.  It’s really not that hard as long as you put a little effort into it.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started.  The rest is cake!

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Quote of the week:   “Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.”