Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The “I” in Me, Myself and I

Everyone has experienced those types of folks who think they are better than everyone else.  You know who I’m talking about.  Generally, the people who used to be popular in high school, who are no longer as popular as the world told them they would be.  The very same people who are now grown, forgettable, working average jobs and are getting paid minimum wage at most. 

Somehow in their own little delusional world, everything still revolves around them.  As much as we want to point our fingers and laugh at the mistake they’ve made of thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, some part of us, a part maybe the size of a mustard seed, can’t help but to acknowledge their commitment in being rightfully shallow and arrogant about their own greatness.  If there’s one thing we can take from these people, it’s the fact that they understand there is an “I” in “me, myself & I.”    

  • I am the best!”   
  • I can do no wrong!”
  • I don’t need you to agree because your opinion doesn’t matter.”   

To us, those people may not amount to a hill of beans but they are confident enough to believe otherwise.

Like all the supercilious folks on the planet, we need to find the confidence within ourselves to admit that we are special, different, and perfect in our own eyes because no one else will.  Everyone else is too busy being as special as we are and even more so consumed with reminding us why we don’t match up to their personal expectations of us

There’s one thing that we all fail to realize.  Everyone has flaws.  It kind of levels the playing field, don’t you think?  You may not have as many flaws as the next person but you do have them.  You just have to know how to make them work for you.  And if you can’t, then you really have to know how to do one of two things: 

  1. Pin point the flaws of others and make them sound a hundred times worse than they actually are, or
  2. Be clever enough not to show the public that your flaws are as embarrassing as people make them out to be.  In other words, know when and how to lie. 

Embrace your crooked teeth, split ends and small wardrobe.  Your shortcomings are a part of you that makes you different from the next person.  It is what makes you memorable — unless you have bad B.O. (body odor).  There is no walking away from that. 

So the next time someone walks up and says to you, “You think you’re all that,” you respond to them, “Yes I do.  Thank you for noticing.”  It doesn’t take that much to be a part time egotistical, conceited mutha-effer who doesn’t think his own sh*t stinks.  90% of any effort is getting started.  Try a little harder and f*ck what anyone else thinks!   The world is your oyster.  Use the shell to throw at all the ugly people who are way less important than you are and remember — Hottywood Helps!   

__________________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:   “To attempt to advise conceited people is like whistling against the wind.”