A Birthday Tribute to the Hills of Hottywood

Ladies and gentlemen!  Guys and gals!  Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches!  I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour!  Today we celebrate a very special day.  No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.  Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating.  Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood!  

Today, as I blow out a flattering number of trick candles, eat mounds of chocolate cake and pass gas profusely from all the lactose-induced vanilla bean ice cream I can eat, I invite you to unbuckle those horrible skinny jeans, kick off your white socks and sandals, and put your table manners to the side as we feast at a table of endless chicken wings and sesame seed buns! 

On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so.  And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.  You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 

  • Tell your neighbors to shove their loud stereo sets up their ass;
  • Suggest to your coworkers that they email themselves straight to hell;
  • Lead that one self-absorbed person to the middle of a bullfighting coliseum after coloring their body w/ permanent red magic marker;
  • Dip your enemy’s underwear in raw hamburger meat and unleash a pack of hungry dogs on them;
  • Turn off all the hot water in your apartment complex at the break of dawn so people’s annoying shower singing can actually be what it sounds like – screaming; or
  • Put baby snapping turtles inside your landlord’s mailbox. 

It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like.  But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that I make the rules.  So you can do whatever the hell you damn well please in the name of humor, emotionless love and my birthday!    

May the rest of your day be filled with chicken wings, stripper poles, and restraining orders.  Not necessarily in that order.  

…oh, and if you don’t think you have the balls to be bad, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started!  Follow my lead and you just might learn something.  Happy birthday to me from me!  

Luv ya, babies.

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Quote of the week:  “Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips.  Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring. 

Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself.  You know, something to strive for and aspire to.   And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!

Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions!   Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.

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Start saying, “No.” 

I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.”  So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor. 

In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective! 

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Drink more; hangover less.

Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties.  Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time!   And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there.  So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!

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Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet. 

I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken.  Especially my mama’s fried chicken!  Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama.  Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff.  And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing.  He’s an officer for chicken!  Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken.  You know that chicken must be touched by God.  I mean listen to the name of the product. 

Okay, okay.  I guess you see where I’m going with this.  I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet.  Or die trying! 

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Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville. 

Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit.  But seriously, have you heard the guy sing?  He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.

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Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month. 

‘Cause I like to keep people guessing!    C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms.   That doesn’t make you weird.  It’s the other thing that makes you weird!   

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Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share. 

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Belch without saying, “Excuse me.”  Oh wait; I already do that.   

Hey, don’t judge me. 

MOVING ON.  →

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Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.  

And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!

How you like them apples?!________________________________________________________ 

Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.  

I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show. 

To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life.  She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper.  About the same age too, but that’s another story. 

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Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community. 

Ah come on.  I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel.   I can understand their frustration.  They keep running and running but never get anywhere.  That would make me want to punch somebody, too. 

Dear Mr. Hamster,

Be glad you’re not a turkey.  They are born and raised to be eaten. 

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So there you have it, folks.  I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically!   The hard part is sticking to the commitment.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:    “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”

 

Writing a New Chapter

For all of you who are looking forward to this week’s Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, sadly I must disappoint you with some bitter-sweet news. 

You know how business moguls get to vacation in St. Tropez and schzmuuuschz with other executives and high-banking celebrities?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing — only different

While seeking a little much needed R&R is in order, I’m busy exploring new dreams; new visions; and dare I say, new catastrophies — to look deeper into destiny’s mossy swamps and rare flowers.   I’m delving into new adventures; new fates; and new creepy lessons to be learned. 

The mysteries of tomorrow is a blank page waiting to be seduced by a ball-point pen.  …and well, my scandal-seeking friends — we all know I aim to please! 

All for you and the sake of witty entertainment, I — with the help of some of my very talented Hottylicious friends — am busting chops to bring three little winches named Karma, Fate and Lady Luck, to a desk or laptop near you, by way of a ground-breaking series — Hottywood Helps: The Webisode! 

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For the first time ever, you’ll not only get to read about the scandals that take place in the Hills of Hottywood, you’ll get to see it for yourself.

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But don’t pack your bags just yet, kids.  We’re still getting the city ready for your grand tour.  Patience, young grasshoppers.  “Patience” is the name of this game.   

 CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 6-12, 2010

There are many unanswered questions in this jacked up universe of ours.  Now is the time to thank your lucky stars that there’s one psychic left who cares enough to teach you how to pay the universe back for all the mean tricks its played on you in the forms of lying, pimples and broken promises of people who didn’t deserve you in the first place.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A man who eats with one chopstick is sure to go hungry. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You know how there’s always that one person in a bunch you can’t stand to be around? This week YOU are that person.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

A bb gun, a nail clipper and a pair of holy socks will really come in handy when you’ve run out of deodorant.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is not to listen to your own dumb advice.  Listen to someone else so you can blame them when things go wrong. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Sugar and spice and everything nice is what every man picks up with his 5-finger discount when his lady friend PMSes for the 100th time in a damn month.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Everything you eat will taste like it has freezer burn. Even them nasty ass hoes you can’t bring home to mama.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When it comes to your friends and enemies, it’s best to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The crap of a pigeon brings good luck, minus dozens of people pointing and laughing.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Maybe you’re just soooo attractive that you intimidate people from wanting to get into a relationship with you. Yeah, go with that.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

You Can Not Be Mislead If You Follow Your Own Steps

Good morning class.  Today we’ll be discussing stupid muthaf*ckers who insist on asking your opinion on matters that are just as stupid as the person who’s inquiring your input, but don’t appreciate your response. 

They’re out there.  Everywhere.  Sometimes self absorbed, often times ignorant to their own ignorance.  They are people who need validation to continue to be politically incorrect.  Oh what the hell…let’s not beat around the bush.  They are people who need validation to continue to be effin’ stupid.  They ask for your advice, opinion, or thoughts on a matter that they know in their heart and soul makes no sense and then judge and criticize you for the answer that you give, leaving you to ponder the thought, “What the hell did you ask me for?”  

Those very people will bore you with the details of their bad choices and try their damnedest to convince you they are right, all the while being more than hypocritical to the fact they don’t have all the answers – at least none of the right ones…or in most cases, the answers that are interesting enough to entertain.  

You can save your breath in offering up intelligent words of advice.  For the most part, they aren’t going to listen to you any way.  Just send them to a generic website or something and let them argue with the computer.  Now that would be more entertaining to witness.  If that doesn’t work, you can always stuff a sack of potatoes in their mouth and watch them choke on the skins.  Again, entertainment at its best.   Whatever you decide to do, it’d be better than having someone argue the very thoughts they practically begged you for.  And there would be no better payback for the person who wasted your time telling you about some issue you probably didn’t care about in the first place.     

So the next time a person asks for your opinion and then catches some devilish attitude for the answer you provide, there are a few options you can consider: 

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Punching them.

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Karate chopping them.

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Shoving them down a flight of stairs.

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Torpedoing a cake in their face.

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Tying them up and dangling them over a rooftop.

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Feeding them to sharks, or

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Unleashing a pack of belly-filled pigeons and watching them bird-sh*t all over the culprit.

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These considerations are a load of fun and only require a little effort on your part to make sure that very same fool won’t make the mistake of asking for your advice again.  If you keep in mind that 90% of any effort is getting started, you’ll realize nothing is impossible. 

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Quote of the week:    “Life can be summed up in three words: ‘It Goes On.’”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 11-17, 2010

If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name! 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back.  They are. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’ve tried patience.  You’ve tried understanding.   You’ve even tried silence.  Now it’s time to try threats and bribery. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If someone tells you they need space, take it as a compliment.  You aren’t that fun to be around. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

To some, you are playful, cute and cuddly – just like a chiwahwah.  Luckily you have a face to match.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Stepping out of the norm will cause people to applaud your decision to bathe.

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Quote of the Week:     “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 14-20, 2010

Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist.  Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind.  You’re only human.  Live a little.  Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

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 Quote of the Week:   “Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 6-12

Are you wondering if this week will be less pissier than the last?  Well take a look at your HORRORscope and find out! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be stalked by a family of spotted owls this week.  Guard your potato chips with your life and beware of one-legged old men walking backwards.

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It will rain all week, but only on you.  Umbrellas will be useless and your associates will nickname you “All Washed Up.”  Make new friends. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Red is the new black.  Go home and change your underwear.  You’ll thank me for this later.  This will be a good week for you.  Spice things up by adding mayonnaise in the bedroom. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You have a lot in common with cows and chickens.  A word of advice: stay away from Chinese carry-outs [because of the things you have in common with cows and chickens].  …remember the movie, “Cannibal.”    

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If it snowed any time in the last two weeks, then you’re pretty screwed for the next two weeks.  Don’t worry, your screwosity is only temporary.  You’ll meet a potential lover in an international supermarket, provided you can keep your gas issues under control. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your telephone will ring excessively with hang-ups and wrong numbers.  It’s going to annoy the sh*t out of you because you’ll be expecting a booty call that you will never get.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The theme song to “The Sound of Music” will be duck-taped to your memory.  That alone will be enough to drive you insane.  PS, don’t hum the tune around anyone if you want to keep the use of your vocal cords.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A family of horny pigeons will take turns peeking into your bedroom window while you’re getting dressed for work.  The sad part is, you’ll like it.  Your lucky word for the week is “Sicko.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

No matter what you are told, the only thing you will interpret from any conversation is how great you are.  That could be good for your ego, but bad for your social skills, you arrogant mutha-effa! 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Dogs will meow and cats will moo.  This should tell you what direction your week is heading in.  Most will suggest that you “Just Say No.”  Ignore those people and do the opposite.  You’ll need it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Farting will be the highlight of your week.  With that said, it ain’t looking so good.  Invest in a lot of room deodorizers and prepare to spend quality time alone. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

All of your Popeyes chicken will be cold and stale and each of the fast food chain associates will conspire to piss you off by not removing the feathers from the [chicken].   

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Quote of the Week:    “There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.”

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A LETTER TO MY HATER

Dear Hater,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to say thank you.  I would like to thank you for hating on me as much as you do.  You see, by hating me, you are helping me to the better person you aren’t willing to give me credit for. 

Ordinarily I would tell you to drive your car over a cliff, however I see your life is already doomed because you have nothing better to do with yourself than to find reasons to judge my personal success.  I’ve extended my hand to help you get a little self esteem and instead of taking my help, you damned it, leaving yourself in the same sh*t creek you were in when I first met you. 

Life is good for me.  It’s better now that I am away from you.  Yet you are trying your best to make yourself a part of my life.  For your information, I have enough crap pouring out of my ass after I eat a hefty combo of tacos and pickles.  I don’t need you to stink things up any more. 

If it wasn’t for your strong desire to hold me back, I would be a no good loser just like you.  I would have no friends, just like you.  I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship, just like you.  I’d probably be sitting in a corner pointing my gossiping finger at everyone who’s so much better than me…just like you. 

car-covered-with-bird-crapAlas I have prayed for peace and tranquility.  I also purchased a flock of trained circus pigeons to unload steaming bird droppings on your car each time you wash it.  I’ve changed my telephone number and placed a herd of wild llamas on my front porch to attack at the smell of your presence. 

I have found my place in life.  I am happy and rich in more ways than money.  And it is all because of you  – my inspiration; my muse; my personal crap bag.  My hater!

                                                                       Love always,

                                                                        Hottywood

 

P.S.

I’m sure you won’t be a hater  for all of your days…well, I’m not totally sure, but I do at least hope that your existence amounts to something more worthwhile.  Just remember that the change begins with YOU90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:    “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”