Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 30-June 5, 2010

The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass.  Hey, you saw that coming a mile away.  You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent.  But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you.  This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top.  Oh, and your socks don’t match. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance.  However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business.  Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence.  This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land.  It’s the public bathroom on Route 66. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This is a good week to start a new trend.  Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest.  Preferably synthetic. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow.  If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat.  This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will have no taste buds for the next three days.  There is no better time to get your freak on! 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting. 

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Quote of the Week:     “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 4-10, 2010

Welcome back neighbors of Hottywood!  I hope you all reveled in fun and laughter as you played your April Fool’s pranks on your most gullable fools…I mean friends.  Though you sought and received immense entertainment at the expense of many others, sadly you must keep in mind that no badly-tasted joke goes unpunished.  ~ In, enters a bitch named Karma.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You are dumber than people give you credit for. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t let anyone underestimate your stupidity. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Reading is fundamental.  You should be able to read more than a palm, you dummy. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Heaven will shine its blessings upon you in the form of potato chips. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your personal space is not big enough for you and your ego.  That’s part of the reason why no one wants to be around you. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The novelty of the saying, “Home Sweet Home” wears off when you’re too pooped to put out [for your room and board].  Earn your keep. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Try not to worry too much about everything that is going on around you.  You are the bad luck that is contaminating the air.  ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Let someone else monopolize the conversation for a change, so you can hear the same sound of boredom everyone else hears when you speak. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Government cheese is a perk of public assistance, despite what you’ve been told.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The same high-powered voice that says, “Come on down!” on the ‘Price is Right’ is the same voice that came up with the catch phrase, “…and let there be light.” 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

This will not be a good week for romance because that new fragrance you keep wearing smells like penguin sweat. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A baseball bat, a lead pipe and a ransom note carries just as much weight as a 9-1-1- call. 

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Quote of the Week:     “To all imbeciles out there,  “…being stupid is a choice.””

What You Settle For is What You Get

Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses.  Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble.  All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time.  You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that.  If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
 
I’d like to start off today’s lesson with a little motto that I think works for a multitude of situations: “When in doubt, get out.”   Keeping that in mind, let’s begin with the signs of a settle.  
 
Tip #1.  If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap.  They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants.  This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date.  If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out.  You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
 
Tip #2.  If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother.  The road ahead will be rockier than a Bedrock sky scraper.  It’s true that most people meet their matches in nightclubs or house parties, but it’s not always necessarily so that you or that person is a party type.  Nine times out of ten, that very same party animal loves the nightlife and the dangers that come along with.  For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue.  What goes on in the night when every eye is shut?  Is it not true that the freaks come out at night?  If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call.  Some ass is better than none at all. 
 
Tip #3.  If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line.  This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!”  You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is?  Is it marriage?  An alternative lifestyle?  Kids?  No job?  No common sense?  A sexaholic?  An alcoholic?  The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers.  Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead.  Watch your step before you fall into a ditch.  Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy.  You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into.   
 
Tip #4.  If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air.  That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them.  Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them.  The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike!    
 
Tip #5.  If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them.  Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be.  If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth.  And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’!   
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To put the matter mildly, what you settle for is what you get, so in order not to settle, you just have to put in a little effort and spot all the signs.  Putting in a little effort is not as hard as you think.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started. 
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Quote of the week:   “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 31 – Feb. 6, 2010

They say only time will tell what the future holds.  I say rubbish!  Hottywood can tell you that. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This could be a make or break deal.  Either way, you attract more bees than flies to honey; so don’t trip.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone’s going to tell you “You aren’t worth sh*t.”  Prove them wrong then give them an ultimatum: “Get with the program or duck!”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

What you long for is an illusion.  The past is not as ideal as you remember, so stop living in it.  You don’t have what you once had for a reason. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing will piss you off more than discovering there’s no sugar to go into your kool-aid. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Alright, enough is enough.  You’ve done all you can.  It’s time to sit back and let someone else do all the work.  Take the credit when they’re done. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You spend money like you poop on the toilet.  Make sure you can handle that sh*t, with your broke ass. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You’re going to have a social gathering that no one will come to.  Relax.  You’ll be the life of the party.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will love to hear anything you have to say just as long as you’re asleep. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Follow the instincts you learned in the streets – especially in the vicinity of liquor stores, banks and strip clubs. 

…oh, and maybe church.  o_O

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you’re bored, find comfort in knowing everyone is bored with you, too. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone insists on treating you like a child.  It’s time to get gully.  You may have to cut a biatch!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Watch your ego before your ass gets jumped in an alley by three one-eyed bandits with no home training. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Love at first sight is a result of too much to drink.”