Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 25 – May 1, 2010

If all your shower water suddenly turned cold and the toilet bowl steamed up with the smelliness of your McDonald’s waste, it could prove to be a bad week.  But why second guess your bad luck when you can get the real answers from someone who knows best? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.  The bright side is that is the bright side. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If people keep telling you that you remind them of a skanky blond haired smurf who wears white pumps after Labor Day, then Houston, you have a problem. More so if you’re a boy.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Terrible consequences may occur if you are hit by a vehicle driven by a penguin wearing smelly gym socks and a smoking a Newport cigarette.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You may be serenaded with a romantic ballad on your birthday that goes a little something like this: “You remind me of jeep…”  Either you’re one ugly mofo or it’s time to go on a diet. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will discover that the person you trust most is on lock down in a cell block that begins with the first four letters of the alphabet.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It’s time to re-evaluate yourself if the person on the other side of the mirror wants nothing to do with you. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Reach out to someone you’d normally never say “hello” to.  Be sure to have a gas mask and a baseball bat handy.  Their breath will remind you why you’re always so blatantly shady. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Going commando is your contribution to giving back to society.  Turning tricks is the new “community service.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You are in for a lot of attention today and it has nothing to do with that questionable brown streak on the back of your pants. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Flash your church minister for an unexpected blessing in the form of a restraining order and a round trip ticket to hell. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You may start off your day feeling as if no one gets you.  Find solace in knowing that your day will end the same way. There’s no point in trying if you’re going to get the same end result. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s a good time for you to hang out with a crowd of friends.  If you don’t have any, go to the supermarket and squeeze a few melons…or breasts.   

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Quote of the Week:     “You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”